I caught the first episode of the new Brave and the Bold cartoon this weekend, and I’ve gotta say, I thought it was fantastic. Everything about the show, from the opening sequence with Green Arrow to the team-up with Blue Beetle was a lot of fun, and while it’s clearly the spiritual successor to Batman ’66–what with the fact that Batman pulls a freakin’ lightsaber out of his utility belt to fight a robot clock–I don’t really consider that to be much of a problem.

Still, as much as I enjoyed the show itself, I was even more interested in the opening credits and the list of guest starts that it promised, because I’m pretty sure I saw both The Demon and Kamandi the Last Boy On Earth in there, and brother, that’s pretty exciting. And while I’m all for new stories, there’s a part of me that hopes that they go back to the original Brave and the Bold comics for story ideas, especially where Kamandi’s concerned, because that thing is rad.

If that is the plan, though, there’s issue that I’d definitely like to see adapted for the screen:

Brave and the Bold #132, by–who else?–Bob Haney and Jim Aparo!

As you can tell from the cover, this one features Richard Dragon: Kung-Fu Fighter, who never quite managed to fight his way out of the z-list because… Well, because Marvel had Master of Kung Fu, and really, who would you rather read about: Some guy who’s all “Hey, I’m a kung-fu fighter”… or the Kung Fu Master?

Also, his name is Dick Dragon.

Fortunately for Dick, Brave and the Bold was nothing if not the perfect showcase for characters built around Eastern philosophy and punching bad guys, and so when he saves Albus Dumbledore from a gang of Kraven-lite muggers…

…he quickly finds himself embroiled in a good old fashioned team-up.

Although actually, there’s nothing quick about it. In fact, according to the story, the bulk of the action doesn’t take place until a year later, when Dragon comes to Gotham City. And why the arbitrary time jump? Because Bob Haney, that’s why.

In any case, Dickie D. eventually winds up in Gotham, and he’s taking a midnight stroll through the park when he’s set upon by a villain with a remarkably unfortunate name:

THE STYLIST.

“Richard Dragon! I am… THE STYLIST!”

“Your name is known to me. Think you can give me a quick trim, maybe some highlights?”

“Hey, that’s not what I–”

“I could really use a pedicure too, if you’ve got the time.”

“HEY! SHUT UP! It’s because I’m a master of many different STYLES.”

“Yeah, great, do you have any magazines I could look through here, or…?”

“I WILL MURDER YOU WITH NUNCHUKS.”

Or at least, that’s how it would’ve gone if I wrote it. Haney’s Dragon, however, doesn’t take the bait, and instead they get right into the fisticuffs, which–and I am going to be totally serious for a second here, guys–is one of the all-time greatest comic book beatdowns I have ever seen.

Because when the Stylist comes at Richard Dragon with set of nunchuks, Dragon decides to grab for whatever’s handy–which in this case is a park bench–and winds up facing down a highly trained karate assassin…

…with A TWO BY FOUR WITH NAILS IN IT.

What follows is violence as only Aparo can bring it, as Dragon breaks his leg…

…and his jaw…

…and then goes in like he’s going to just beat the living hell out of him:

Unfortunately for fans of plank-based violence, Batman interrupts before the beating can continue any further, and–mistaking Rich for a mugger–starts what is probably the talkiest fight scene of all time.

This, I think, is what would translate best to the new cartoon. They’re obviously going for a friendlier Batman than the dour loner of Justice League and the Animated Series, and Haney’s version is chatty as hell:

Even with all the talking, though, Haney still manages to make him sound like Batman by having him seem thoroughly bored with the fact that he’s dealing with a kung fu assassination plot in the middle of Robinson Park. “Karate stuff. Great. That’s new.”

Anyway, to make a long story short, once Batman sorts out who’s the bad guy here and informs Dragon that the bearded transient of the opening sequence was actually a recently deceased millionaire who may have left Dragon his fortune, he then agonizes over the fact that he can’t do anything to stop the Stylist because he hasn’t committed any crimes. Even putting aside the fact that the Stylist just Attempted Murder two pages ago, Batman fails to remember that he’s a private citizen who puts on a mask and beats the crap out of muggers every night because he’s got nothing better to do, and that now is a little late to start worrying about things like “rights.”

In any case, he’s able to roust the Stylist with a bit of good old-fashioned entrapment, and once he flees the country for South America, we finally come face to face with the real villain of the story. See, the bad guy here isn’t the Stylist, or even the potential heir who hires him.

No, the bad guy here is the economy, because apparently things have gotten so bad that BATMAN HAS TO FLY COACH.

Blazes indeed, Batman. Blazes indeed.

Just ask The Super-Sons!

It’s “hip!” It’s “now!” It’s Haney!

Which of the following panels from Bob Haney and Jim Aparo’s classic Batman/Kamandi team-up in The Brave and the Bold #120 is the craziest damn thing you have ever read?

Please show your work.

You have just witnessed Batman karate chopping a talking gorilla hard enough to kill a normal man, which, coincidentally, is also hard enough to create a pink explosion at the point of impact. On a scale of one to freaking out, how awesome is this?

It occurred to me while I was doing this months’ Previews roundup that there may be some of you out there who don’t understand why I’m so excited about DC’s upcoming Saga of the Super-Sons trade paperback. Of course, those of you who have actually read a Bob Haney story will already understand my desire for this thing–especially seeing as it includes a lost story from the pulped Elseworlds 80 Page Giant–but for those of you who haven’t, allow me to explain.

Ladies and gentlemen… I give you the Super-Sons:

Yes, springing from the pages of Haney and Dick Dillin’s World’s Finest #215 are the college-age sons of Batman and Superman, who take on the imaginative names of Batman Jr. and Superman Jr. and hit the grim and perilous world of 1972 head on, against the wishes of their heroic parents.

Incidentally, despite the fact that being married to perpetually faceless women and having kids in their twenties contradicts just about every story published about these guys since 1940 or so, Haney assures us that the stories of Clark and Bruce Jr. are, and I quote, “not imaginary, not fantasy, but real, the way it happened.”

Then again, Bob Haney said a lot of things. It’s probably best to just move on.

True to form, Haney doesn’t waste any time with the story, and rather than giving us anything other than the basic premise on the first page–specifically Superman and Batman have kids that are exactly like them, right down to their names–he gets right to the action. There are, for the record, exactly four panels of a tense phone call between Clarks Jr. and Sr.–wherein Superman reveals his surprisingly uncharacteristic disapproval of Junior’s job working at a community center where he helps others “struggle agains that octopus of despair, the ghetto”–before we get to the main event: Biker Fights.

Having apparently lost their battle with the octopus of despair and turned to crime, Satans’s Shockers crash through the walls and start hassling Clark Jr., who, even though he’s been expressly forbidden by his father to fight crime, decides that he’s had all he can stand and he can’t stands no more!

Hey Clark! How aged do you like your Scotch?

Man, that guy’s a mean drunk.

Needless to say, the bikers–whose names run along the lines of “Big Alice” and “Crumbum”–are no match for Junior, and even though he only has half of Superman’s powers, what with being half-Kryptonian and all, he beats the crap out of them pretty easily. Of course, once the Old Man shows up to chew him out for going banana on those guys, he decides he’s had enough of the older generation and storms out.

And by “storms out,” I mean “punches through a wall.” That’s just how Superman Junior rolls.

Meanwhile, in Gotham City, it turns out that the Waynes have it even worse than the Kents, because their son… is a hippie:

Or maybe he just talks that way because he’s a Bob Haney character.

Either way, it seems that, much to the dismay of Wayne the Elder, Bruce Jr.’s been dressing up as Batman and punching out criminals at night. It seems things have been pretty rough between father and son, what with the fact that Batman didn’t bother to tell his kid he was Batman until two years previous, a bizarre fact that would stand for all of two stories before Haney contradicted it in a tale where the Super-Sons decided to find out whether man was inherently good or evil by screwing with cavemen in the Arctic.

No, really.

Anyway, Bruce Jr. jumps off the balcony before his ‘rents can revoke his crime-fighting privileges, and once we find out that he is quite possibly the most stylish dude in comics history…

… the “spiritual brothers” hook up and decide to make a go of crimefighting themselves.

Rather than sending them out untrained, however, the Super-Dads decide that it’d be a better idea to arrange a test for them to see if they can actually cut the mustard as crime-fighters, so they decide to pit them against mob boss Rocco Krugge, who rules the streets of Sparta City with an iron fist.

Yes. Sparta City. Feel free to make your own joke now.

Of course, rather than throw them into the real Sparta City, Superman gets the bright idea to create a duplicate city so that nobody’ll really get hurt when things inevitably go wrong. Seems like a solid plan, but the question here is how he’s going to pull it off.

Now, the record will show that I’ve read a lot of Silver Age comics, and have a passing familiarity with how people get things done in those things, so I assumed that Superman would use his incredible powers to actually build a duplicate city, maybe going so far as to stock it with life-like robots that would mirror the actions of their real-life counterparts.

I was wrong. Very, very wrong.

In actuality, Superman decides it’s a far more expedient idea to grab the San Andreas Fault and crack it like a whip, which causes Sparta City to accelerate to the speed of light, thus creating a duplicate Sparta City that exists one day in the past.

I have read a story where a man in red pajamas runs through the sun and back while holding his breath and vibrating his molecules. I have read a story where the Atom shrinks down and goes into Batman’s corpse and starts kicking him in the brain to get him to get up and fight crime. I have read a story where a shape-shifter and his caveman sidekick/nemesis team up to play a game of football with an atomic bomb against robots. But that?

That’s the craziest thing I have ever seen.

Needless to say, the rest of issue pales in comparison, but really: What wouldn’t?

The Super-Sons eventually arrive in Sparta City without realizing that they’re actually in an incredible simulation thereof, and promptly get into a running gun battle on their motorcycle. And then they have a pillowfight.

Seriously.

While all that’s going on, it turns out that the aged Rocco Krugge–who has bullied his son into the “family business” in the most subtle parallel since Hewoes–has made an amazing recovery from being super-old. Thus, with the Super-Sons causing him trouble, Krugge dispatches his kid for a hit on Superman and Batman Junior, which he glumly carries out to its conclusion.

Superman Jr’s buried alive in cement–unable to escape due to his weaker powers–and in a surprisingly violent twist, Batman Jr’s shot in the head execution style at a construction site. So there’s that.

Incidentally, Dick Dillin goes to great lengths to hide the identity of Superman and Batman’s wives, to the point where poor Mrs. Wayne is made to wear a giant sun hat at breakfast. The overall effect, I’m sure, was intended to convey an air of mystery that allowed the kids to have mothers without “spoiling” the long-term love triangle of Superman, Lois Lane and Lana Lang (or Batman, Catwoman and Talia, I guess), but it comes off as… well, creepy, especially given Haney’s editorial about how this stuff really happened. That’s right, kids of the ’70s: Superman’s got a secret, faceless wife stashed away somewhere in Metropolis that nobody knows about! Enjoy!

Anyway, the rumors of their deaths, et cetera and it all turns out to be a trap to lure Krugge to the graveyard, where it turns out he’s stashed the key evidence that’ll bring down his empire. Then, in yet another example of this story just getting darker and darker, he trips over his own wife’s tombstone, accidentally shoots himself in the gut, and dies.

As it turns out, the events in the ersatz Sparta City seem to reflect those in the genuine article, as demonstrated by Batman, who is incredibly happy that somebody died:

And that, it seems, is considered a success. Thus everything works out okay, and the Super-Sons are free to ride off on their motorcycle–their one motorcycle–in search of further adventures involving events that not only don’t make sense, but actively seek to destroy it, and Haney is able to once again wrest the Crown of Insanity from the vicelike grip of Bob Kanigher.

But we’ll see what happens when that Metal Men Showcase comes out.