Christmas Spectacular: A Very Kirby Christmas!

It probably goes without saying, but given that I try to update the ISB every day, I rarely have any idea what I’m going to be writing about until I actually sit down to do it. Tonight, though, things are a little different.

Yes, with Christmas Eve finally upon us and the magic of the season in full swing, it’s time for something that I’ve been planning on covering since December 26th of last year. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for all-out awesome, because tonight belongs to…

 

 

THE SEAL MEN’S WAR ON SANTA CLAUS!

 

…by Michael Fleisher and–wait for it–Jack Kirby.

Originally created to be the story in 1976’s Sandman #7, this one was shelved when the series was canceled and eventually saw print six years later as part of the all-Christmas Best of DC Digest #22, and while that issue predates my own birth by about eight months, I think it’s safe to say that this comic was made for the ISB.

I mean, just look at that opening panel: It’s a Christmas comics starring Santa Claus where someone’s punching out an animal while being menaced by bears, and it’s drawn by Jack Kirby. With the exception of a car battery, that’s everything I like about comics all thrown into one!

So here’s how it all happens: It all starts on Christmas Eve morning, when young Jed’s sent out into a blizzard by his reasonably horrible guardians so that he can try to get a contribution to the Christmas fund from alleged miser Titus Gottrox. As it turns out, though, Gottrox–who at first appears to be a villain in the classic tradition of Mr. Potter from It’s a Wonderful Life–isn’t all that bad of a guy, and once Jed explains his position…

 

 

…Gottrox offers to donate a cool million bucks to the charity on the condition that Jed proves the existence of Santa Claus before midnight.

Despite the fact that Gottrox is pretty confident that Jed won’t be able to deliver–although he mentions as an aside that he’ll make some sort of contribution anyway–the fact that Jed’s so eager to run off and return with the proof spooks his nephew Rodney, who resolves to follow Jed and keep him from endangering his future inheritance.

Jed, however, has a bit of an ice up his sleeve to ward off any of Rodney’s shenanigans, and with one toot of his magic whistle, the Sandman appears to help out!

 

 

And this, for the record, is where it starts to get crazy.

So, fortunately for Jed, the Sandman and Santa are pals “from way back,” and one quick trip through the ejector tube sends them straight for the North Polar region of the Dream Stream, where the Nightmare Wizard loans them a flying sled, and seriously, you guys? That’s the craziest sentence I’ve ever typed.

 

 

Meanwhile, Rodney stumbles across Jed’s whistle and uses it to trick the Sandman’s dimwitted sidekicks, the aptly named Brute and Glob, into helping him follow. Owing to the fact that he’s almost devoured by the Nightmare Wizard’s man-eating tree Samantha, however, he’s unable to catch up with them before they finally reach Santa’s workshop.

And that’s probably for the best, considering that Jed and the Sandman are immediately set upon by highly aggressive, hammer-toting elves, who are a bit on edge because–get ready for it–Santa has been kidnapped by the Seal Men.

Clearly, this aggression cannot stand, and after deciding that they are in fact bad enough dudes to save Santa Claus, Jed and the Sandman set off to the land of the Seal Men, where they’re promptly bonked on the head and thrown into a dungeon. It’s pretty much exactly what they expected to happen, so once they find Santa, the Sandman quickly melts the wall with his magic whistle.

Just how the Sandman’s magic whistle melts the wall is never satisfactorily explained, but honestly, if we’re going to start nitpicking here, we’ll never get anywhere with this one.

Oh, and as it turns out, Santa’s kind of a jerk:

 

 

…but I think we can chalk that up to his extended imprisonment. Regardless, he quickly gets back to his jolly old self once he gets the opportunity to out his aggression on his captors:

 

 

 

Of course, seeing as it’s Santa we’re talking about, he’s happier talking his problems out than fighting over them, and the reason for their aggression is finally revealed after the Sandman just comes right out and asks the Seal Men “What’s wrong with you people, anyway?! Why are you so determined to sabotage Christmas?”

They’re mad, of course, because they’ve been denied a Merry Christmas, thanks to a series of truly horrible gifts:

 

 

I think we can all sympathize.

Of course, as Jed points out, it’s all just a misunderstanding, and when you’re dealing with an operation designed to deliver toys to every child in the world in one night, these little mix-ups are bound to happen. Santa promises to correct the problem and exchange the gifts, the Seal Men promise not to be so mean anymore, and everyone resolves to have the Merriest Christmas their little hearts will allow.

Well, everyone except Rodney that is, who’s holding Mrs. Claus at gunpoint back at the workshop, but since it takes the Sandman and Santa all of three panels to deal with that little threat, I think we’re safe skipping right over it. Besides, we’ve got to get back to the original point which, if you’ll remember, was proving Santa’s existence to Old Mr. Gottrox! And what better way to do that than with a visit from the Big Guy himself?

 

 

And remember he does! Thus, Jed gets the million for charity, the Seal Men get their presents sorted out, Gottrox gets to fly Santa’s sleigh…

 

 

…the Sandman gets one last issue before he’s kicked back to cancellation, and, perhaps most importantly, we all get exactly the kind of Christmas special you’d expect from the man who brought us all those wonderful stories and horrible dreams.

And really, aren’t those what Christmas is all about?

 

 

Christmas Special: Yes, Virginia!

Since this is our third Christmas here on the ISB, it’s probably become pretty apparent that I’ve got something of a soft spot for holiday specials. In fact, along with Abe Lincoln covers, Christmas comics are one of the few things that I’ll actually go out of my way to collect regardless of quality, which is why I’m the proud owner of both Dan Fraga’s Santa the Barbarian and the bottomlessly awful Warrior Christmas Special, by the ex-pro wrestler / lunatic of the same name.

But it’s not all bad, and it’s in that spirit that tonight, I’m throwing the spotlight onto what is, without question, my favorite Christmas comic of all time.

Is it the best holiday special? Well, that’s still up for debate, and for sheer beautiful storytelling, you’d be hard-pressed to beat Alan Brennert and Dick Giordano’s “Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot,” starring Deadman, from 1988’s Christmas With the Super-Heroes #2, which never fails to bring a tear to the eye on its annual reading. It’s fantastic, and if you don’t already own it, well, there’s still a couple of days left to experience it at the proper time of year.

But it’s not my favorite, and if this one’s not the best, it’s certainly a close second.

 

Coming from the pages of 2005’s Marvel Holiday Special–reprinted for your convenience in handy digest format–this story isn’t just my favorite Christmas comic, it’s my favorite Jeff Parker comic. And considering that that guy knocked out Agents of Atlas AND the best Avengers story ever in the same year, that’s saying something.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…

 

 

YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A SANTRON!

 

And with a title like that, how could it not be awesome?

So here’s the rundown: It’s the Avengers’ annual Christmas party, and seeing as it takes place between the start of New Avengers and the beginning of Civil War, everybody who’s anybody (plus the eternal hanger-on that is Wonder Man) is in the house. Specifically, it’s Dr. Strange’s house, and despite the fact that everyone and their manservant are being total jerks to Greg “Gravity” Willis…

 

 

…the party’s in full swing, complete with radio-controlled mistletoe steered over Spider-Woman’s head so that she’s obligated by holiday tradition to make out with every single male member of the team in turn.

 

 

Man. Remember back when Iron Man used his powers for petty mischief and good-natured sexual harassment, before he embraced crypto-fascism as a means to solve his problems? Ah, the good ol’ days.

Also awesome: Luke Cage’s (Sweet) Christmas Sweater. Nothing more need be said about its wondrous majesty.

Meanwhile, across town, there’s a young woman named Virgie Hanlon–an electronics genius who had been emotionally traumatized when she was eight by classmates who told her there was no such thing as Santa Claus–has just finished working on a project of her own that will keep other children from experiencing such a horrible fate:

 

 

ROBOT SANTA.

 

And right there is the moment this comic officially becomes awesome. But it only gets better from there.

Unfortunately, once Virgie activates her ersatz Kris Kringle, there’s a slight bug in the programming that she didn’t anticipate:

 

 

Thus, Robot Santa, complete with rocket-sled and holographic reindeer, sets off to kill the Avengers. This story could stop right here and be in the top ten holiday comics of all time, but Parker and Brown still have seventeen pages to rock.

Needless to say, it doesn’t take long for the cybernetic Father Christmas to track the Avengers down to the Sanctum Sanctorum and start blasting everyone with a neural disruptor, which is slightly more severe than getting a lump of coal in your sock. Of course, once Wolverine shows up to stab Santa Claus with his adamantium claws–thus proving that Canada holds nothing sacred–the truth is finally revealed, and the fact that we all probably figured it out from the story title alone doesn’t keep it from being awesome:

 

 

For you see, Santa… is actually Ultron, the megalomaniacal robot bent on genocide that has somehow yet to get Hank Pym booted out of the Avengers once and for all.

Thus, the Avengers throw down with their deadliest enemy in Dr. Strange’s living room–all while Aunt May is baking in the next room with Mary Jane and Jessica Jones–until Spider-Man figures out Santron’s one secret weakness…

 

 

…and once again, the day is saved… with SCIENCE!

Under normal circumstances, the story would end there, but once the heroes figure out what Virgie Hanlon was doing with one of Ultron’s bodies in the first place, they find her, stop her from turning herself into the police, and bring her to the party. And that’s where this story truly becomes great

Virgie’s pretty bummed out by the fact that she was brainwashed by an evil robot that took advantage of her childlike faith in Santa Claus, and ask if the Avengers think she’s nuts for holding onto the idea for so many years. And what follows is a sequence that, well, you probably oughtta just read for yourselves:

 

(Click for larger images)

 

 

Oh man. You guys’ll have to excuse me for a minute, it’s… uh… a little dusty in here.

(Sniff)

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Christmas Special: A Friendly Reminder From the Amazing Joy Buzzards

 

 

And that means you, Supergirl.

 

More information on the mystical luchadore known only as El Campeon can be found in Smith and Hipp’s Amazing Joy Buzzards, but for the story of how El Campeon rescued Santa from the talons of Black Peter–and their quest for the tag team championship in 1951–you’ll need the 2005 Image Holiday Special. Which, just so you know, also includes a Godland story, a one-page gag strip by Friend of the ISB Benito Cereno, a G-Man strip by Chris Giarrusso, and of course, girl-on-girl holiday makeouts!

Christmas Special: Santa Claus Must Die!

If you were around for last year’s round of ISB Christmas Cheer, you might recall that I celebrated my favorite holiday by throwing the spotlight on what I termed the Wildly Inappropriate Christmas Special, a theme that brought us both Tarot’s horrifying, naked romp through the snow and Batman shouting that his parents deserved to die, and I’m pretty sure those captured exactly what I was looking for.

This year, though, I decided to go in a bit of a different direction, and bring you holiday comics that I actually really love. It’s a pretty abrupt change, I know, but fortunately, I’ve found something that might make the transition a little easier.

After all…

 

 

…this one’s awesome and wildly inappropriate!

Or at least, that’s the way it looks on the surface. Given my well-documented love of Santa Claus, it might be a little surprising that one of my all-time favorite holiday comics has the Jolly Old Elf in imminent danger of swallowing a .45 caliber slug right on the cover, but that’s until you take a moment to recall that this is an issue of Garth Ennis and John McCrea’s Hitman.

Hitman, for those of you not in the know, is Ennis’s finest work, and considering the body of work that guy’s put out over the years, that’s saying something.

And besides, unless I missed a crucial scene in one of the Rankin & Bass cartoons, I don’t think the real Santa’s a shambling radioactive horror.

 

 

Come to think of it, this premise might require some explanation.

One of the recurring elements of the series that’s sadly fallen by the wayside since it ended at #60 is the way that heavy industries–usually in the form of Injun Peak Research Facility, a low-rent STAR Labs where the experiments were always resulting in the kind of accidents resulting in super-powers and an unquenchable thirst for revenge–were always giving rise to super-villains, to the point where they kept hitmen on speed dial to clean up their messes before they ended up destroying a huge chunk of Gotham City.

Thus, disgruntled janitor Bob Smurd takes a header into a vat of nuclear waste down at the power plant, and, well, see for yourself:

 

 

 

Did I mention that Ennis does the narration entirely in faux-Grinchian rhyme? It’s beautiful.

Anyway, needless to say, a crazed, super-powered St. Nick rolling around town blowing up last-minute shoppers on Christmas Eve is bad for everybody, so the guys at the plant do the same thing the Injun Peak boys did when they accidentally turned the entire animal population of the Gotham City Aquarium into zombies: They call Tommy Monaghan.

 

 

I mentioned the rhyming, right?

 

 

Man. I love this comic book.

So Tommy and his partner, Natt the Hat, commence tearing around Gotham on Christmas Eve, rolling up on every Santa they can find and checking them out with a geiger counter until they finally find the guy they’re looking for, which, seeing as he’s rampaging through a mall on a yuletide murder spree, isn’t as difficult as you might think.

Of course, a rampaging super-Grinch presents a whole different set of problems once you actually find him, what with all the super-strength and radioactive eye-beams and such.

Once you hit ’em with a car, however…

 

 

…they tend to go a little more quietly.

Thus, in an ending befitting one of the greatest Christmas comics of all time, Tommy and Natt ram him through a brick wall and, despite the fact that Bob pleads for mercy–and because of the fact that his pleas are lifted from Blade Runner–they gun him down, collect their fee, and buy presents.

But that’s not really what makes this one so great. No, like all Christmas stories, this one’s got a moral, and that’s where Ennis and McCrea truly shine:

 

 

And that, my friends, is the true meaning of Christmas.

Well, for me, anyway.

Christmas Special: A Holiday Treat

I don’t normally do this sort of thing for a variety of reasons, but what the heck? It’s Christmas!

So in the spirit of giving, here’s one of my all-time favorite holiday specials in its entirety: The four-page saga of “The Night Prowler” from House of Mystery #119–reprinted for your enjoyment in the wonderful DC Universe Christmas trade paperback–by the team that brought you Swamp Thing, Len Wein and Berni Wrightson.

Enjoy!

 

(Click for larger images)

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas Special: On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave To Me…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You can send the same gifts to your true love–or casual acquaintances, we won’t judge you here–in the pages of Scott Pilgrim, Captain America: War & Remembrance, Azumanga Daioh, Jack of Fables v.1, and other bizarre corners of my collection.

Special thanks to BitterAndrew.

For still more holiday Wassailing from the ISB, check out last year’s tribute to Santa Claus!