Smallvillains 8×11: Legion



For some reason, we’re in yet another month of reruns for the final season of Smallville — apparently they need time to watch popular movies and work out how to directly lift their plots — so Uzumeri are once again attempting to understand just how we got to this loathsome state by taking a look at past episodes. This week, we tackle one that I’ve actually been wanting to see for quite some time: Season 8’s “Legion”, in which Cosmic Boy, Lightning Lad and Saturn Girl do what they do best. And by that I mean “come back in time to be a dick to Superboy.”

It’s a strange, strange episode, but it made for a refreshing change from the nonsense we’ve been watching lately, and it also gave me a chance to talk about my favorite Legion story of all time. Plus, we saw TV Doomsday, and man. That stuff is crazy.

Smallvillains 10×16: Scion



This week, Smallvile manages to introduce Conner Kent before Clark becomes Superman, and it has officially gotten to the point where I am legitimately angry at this show for existing. So enjoy the fruits of my labor as Uzumeri and I recap and review yet another lousy episode (which he actually liked), in a column featuring guest appearances by game show mainstay Charles Nelson Reilly, the starship Enterprise‘s Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and the Geoff Johns of 1994!

For the record, that last one is Uzi’s doing.

Smallvillains 10×15: Fortune



In this week’s review of Smallville, I have finally gotten so fed up with this show that you can call me Macho Man, because I get straight up savage.

It’s the old days, the bad days, the poorly written days of the early ISB as I take this show to task for yet another movie ripoff and a complete inability to actually resolve any of the plots that it introduces so that it can flaccidly drag itself to the finish line of the end of the season with a fervor so intense that Uzi actually apologized for suggesting we watch this show in the first place. And really, that’s all I ever wanted.

Smallvillains 10×13: Masquerade



This week, Smallville finally made a big leap in its treatment of the Superman mythos, but because it’s Smallville, it’s weird and makes no sense.

Also, were you aware that there’s a Law & Order: Criminal Intent video game that sounds a lot like a super-serious version of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney? Because there is, and the producers of Smallville want you to know that in the strangest way possible.

Smallvillains 10×13: Beacon



Just in case you were worried that today would be all hearts and flowers, the Smallville Hate Parade continues with “Beacon!” The best thing I can say about it is that it’s better than last week’s, but head over to ComicsAlliance to watch Uzumeri and I sit through another hour of television made by people who have completely forgotten that characters should have reasons for doing the things they do. Or in Clark’s case, for not doing any damn thing at all.

Smallvillains 10×12: Collateral



Finally, after almost two solid months of reruns, Smallville returned with a new episode this week, and it is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.

Seriously, Uzi and I have tried to be pretty even-handed with this show, but it didn’t take any time at all for our discussion of this televised atrocity to descend into an all-out hatefest. So please, enjoy it as we try to figure out just what the hell happened here. Why was Lois in the virtual computer Matrix simulation Tron world with the super-heroes? Why did Chloe wear a weird white pantsuit? Why did they have Clark fly using stupid video game cheat code logic, rather than just having Superman fly? We have no answers. Just jokes.

The Dubious Romance of 1980’s Super Friends Action Valentines



Over at Andertoons, Mark Anderson has posted a set of Super Friends Valentines from 1980, and while the vast majority of them are the standard fare, there are a few — like the one above — that send a slightly dubious message.

That’s why over at ComcisAlliance, I’ve run down ten of the most dubious, featuring romantic no-nos from vague threats to actually stabbing someone with a pointy object. Admittedly, that last one might have a longstanding tradition in the world of romance, but I think only the metaphorical version is acceptable.