Chris vs. Pokemon: Original Edition

Ever since Pokemon Black came out last month, I’ve been obsessing over the wonderful world of pocket monsters. You know, like I do with every single thing I like. You didn’t think I started a website because I was only mildly interested in stuff, did you?

Anyway, it’s gotten to the point where I’ve even started thinking about making up a few Pokemon of my own, which I imagine is a pretty common thing for fans of the franchise. I mean, I might not actually have the talent to draw any of the things I come up with, but I’m at least as good as the people working on the game at looking around and identifying common objects that could potentially have faces in order to create stuff like an evil lamp or an exceptionally chatty ice cream cone. Don’t get me wrong, I like those things, but they’re not exactly difficult to think up.

So when I ran into some road construction while I was driving home the other day, inspiration struck, and I came up with a couple that I thought would fit right in with the official ones. I told Sheli Hay, artist of the brand new webcomic Troop Infinity, and she surprised me by actually drawing them up and sending them to me in today’s mail. Strangely, and this is not a joke, she had drawn them in crayon on the interior of a bizarrely folksy sympathy card that advised me to “keep on keepin’ on” in the wake of tragedy.

For the record, Sheli thinks I’m the weird one.

Anyway, feast your trainer eyes on Trafficone!



Trafficone, the Construction Pokemon, would be a bug/ground type who hangs out at construction sites like Unova’s Route 4, disguising itself so it can feast on unattended planks and scrap metal.

But what’s this? Trafficone is evolving!



Congratulations! Trafficone has evolved into Conestruct!

The basic ideas were mine — and I even made sure the names fit in the game’s ten-character limit — but Sheli really knocked it out of the park with the little details like Conestruct’s reflector-eyes and the spikes on his shell. I’m thoroughly pleased with ’em.

They have inspired me… to keep on keepin’ on. Thanks, Sheli!

Ask Chris #51: Because You Actually Demanded It



This week, Ask Chris pretty much puts the nail in its own coffin by offering up a blow-by-blow rundown of a My Little Pony vs. Pokemon wrestling match. And I remind you, this is a column based on actual reader questions.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t do it up right: In addition to my commentary, you’ll also get a piece of original art from fellow Pony fan Jen Vaughn, illustrating the madness. Oooooh yeeahhhhhhh.

Chris vs. Pokemon: Addendum

Last week, I wrote up a post at ComicsAlliance where I went through the in-game descriptions of everyone’s favorite collectible monsters to identify the Ten Most Disturbing Pokedex Entries in Pokemon. I think it’s a pretty solid list, but today, I found something I’d overlooked while I was playing through Black.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Vullaby:



My first thought on seeing this thing was “Oh, It’s a little baby bird that still has a piece of its egg. It’s like someone mashed up Togepi and Beaky Buzzard from the Foghorn Leghorn cartoons. Cute.” And then I read its Pokedex description:

Species: Diaper Pokemon. Its wings are too tiny to allow it to fly. As the time approaches for it to evolve, it discards the bones it was wearing.

“Wait, bones? What do you mean bones–”

And then I looked a little closer at what I’d thought was an eggshell.



VULLABY IS USING A HUMAN SKULL AS A DIAPER. Who the hell designed this thing, G.G. Allin?!

And it gets stranger. Lest you think that Vullaby and Mandibuzz are out there murdering the citizens of Unova in order to diaper their offspring, the Pokedex for White points out that they use bones that they find. And this opens the door for some questions that I don’t think Nintendo was really prepared to ask. Specifically, where are they finding so many human skulls?! Are there so many mass graves in the world of Pokemon that an entire species of animal has evolved with a biological imperative to take a dump on the bones of man?

Chris vs. Pokemon Is Back In Black… and White



For those of you who have been missing my highly irregular series where I review Pokemon for their aesthetic value, you are in for a treat: The Japanese release of Pokemon Black and White has provided me with 156 new creatures to examine the living hell out of, and guys? they are pretty awesome.

So awesome, in fact, that after a ten year absence, I am hopping on the Pokemon train again. What’s that?

Why yes, I am single.

Chris vs. Pokemon Returns at ComicsAlliance!



Today at ComicsAlliance, I’ve used the recent release of Pokemon HeartGold and SoulSilver to revive one of the ISB’s most punishing recurring features: Chris vs. Pokemon!

I’ve done these articles before as a punishment for my readers, but this time things are different, as I’m joined by CA contributor David Uzumeri, who rose to the challenge admirably, even dropping science like the equation seen above. So if you want to see us eventually work our way through all 453 (or whatever) Pokemon, leave a comment and let ’em know!

Chris vs. Pokémon, Round Two


#104: Cubone


I’m not going to lie to you guys. Cubone is messed up.

On the one hand, Cubone not only wears armor and uses weapons, which makes him a badass, but the armor and weapons are made of bones, which makes him some kind of super-metal caveman badass. He’s not just going to use Quick Attack on your enemies, this little guy’s going to beat them unconscious with the bones of his fallen enemy. He is rude.

On the other hand, things start to get a little weird once you find out that his helmet is made from the skull of his dead mother, and is less an affirmation of rudeness than the source of Cubone’s profound psychological problems. And from there on in, he becomes the Saddest Pokémon Ever.

According to our pals over at Bulbapedia

During the night, it cries for its lost mother and it is unable to let go of the memory of her. Its cries echo within the skull and it comes out as a pained and sad melody that can travel
for miles around its mountain homeland. Sometimes, it can emit mournful sounds during the day. On the night of a full moon, its cries are the loudest – for it seems to recognize its mother’s face in the moon.

Jesus, man. I think I need to go sit down for a minute.




#285: Shroomish


And here we have another fine example of the “fuck it, just draw a face on whatever you had for lunch” school of Pokémon design.

Anyway, as you can tell from the picture above, Shroomish is an angry mushroom that really ought to evolve into an angrier mushroom called Wartobello, but doesn’t. And really, I don’t want to belabor the obvious here, but come on, Shroomish. There have been a lot of video games about angry mushrooms. You’re not really adding anything to the conversation here.




#476: Probopass


So, uh… it’s not just me, right? You guys see a really super-racist caricature of a Jewish robot too?

Christ. And I thought Jynx was bad.




#91: Cloyster


And then there was the time that they just cold drew a face on a vagina and put it in a children’s game.




#143: Snorlax


Straight up, y’all: Snorlax. Is. The Motherfucker.

This dude goes where he wants, when he wants. And if he decides he wants to sleep on the highway, then guess what? You better find your ass a flute and start putting out some slow jams, because otherwise you are going nowhere, son. Literally all this guy right here does is eat, sleep, and beat ass. That is it.

He is living the American Dream.



Special thanks to Evie and her mental Pokédex.