“No Percentage Mixing With You Oriental Style!”

I caught the first episode of the new Brave and the Bold cartoon this weekend, and I’ve gotta say, I thought it was fantastic. Everything about the show, from the opening sequence with Green Arrow to the team-up with Blue Beetle was a lot of fun, and while it’s clearly the spiritual successor to Batman ’66–what with the fact that Batman pulls a freakin’ lightsaber out of his utility belt to fight a robot clock–I don’t really consider that to be much of a problem.

Still, as much as I enjoyed the show itself, I was even more interested in the opening credits and the list of guest starts that it promised, because I’m pretty sure I saw both The Demon and Kamandi the Last Boy On Earth in there, and brother, that’s pretty exciting. And while I’m all for new stories, there’s a part of me that hopes that they go back to the original Brave and the Bold comics for story ideas, especially where Kamandi’s concerned, because that thing is rad.

If that is the plan, though, there’s issue that I’d definitely like to see adapted for the screen:

 

 

Brave and the Bold #132, by–who else?–Bob Haney and Jim Aparo!

As you can tell from the cover, this one features Richard Dragon: Kung-Fu Fighter, who never quite managed to fight his way out of the z-list because… Well, because Marvel had Master of Kung Fu, and really, who would you rather read about: Some guy who’s all “Hey, I’m a kung-fu fighter”… or the Kung Fu Master?

Also, his name is Dick Dragon.

Fortunately for Dick, Brave and the Bold was nothing if not the perfect showcase for characters built around Eastern philosophy and punching bad guys, and so when he saves Albus Dumbledore from a gang of Kraven-lite muggers…

 

 

…he quickly finds himself embroiled in a good old fashioned team-up.

Although actually, there’s nothing quick about it. In fact, according to the story, the bulk of the action doesn’t take place until a year later, when Dragon comes to Gotham City. And why the arbitrary time jump? Because Bob Haney, that’s why.

In any case, Dickie D. eventually winds up in Gotham, and he’s taking a midnight stroll through the park when he’s set upon by a villain with a remarkably unfortunate name:

 

THE STYLIST.

 

“Richard Dragon! I am… THE STYLIST!”

“Your name is known to me. Think you can give me a quick trim, maybe some highlights?”

“Hey, that’s not what I–”

“I could really use a pedicure too, if you’ve got the time.”

“HEY! SHUT UP! It’s because I’m a master of many different STYLES.”

“Yeah, great, do you have any magazines I could look through here, or…?”

“I WILL MURDER YOU WITH NUNCHUKS.”

Or at least, that’s how it would’ve gone if I wrote it. Haney’s Dragon, however, doesn’t take the bait, and instead they get right into the fisticuffs, which–and I am going to be totally serious for a second here, guys–is one of the all-time greatest comic book beatdowns I have ever seen.

Because when the Stylist comes at Richard Dragon with set of nunchuks, Dragon decides to grab for whatever’s handy–which in this case is a park bench–and winds up facing down a highly trained karate assassin…

 

 

…with A TWO BY FOUR WITH NAILS IN IT.

What follows is violence as only Aparo can bring it, as Dragon breaks his leg…

 

 

and his jaw…

 

 

…and then goes in like he’s going to just beat the living hell out of him:

 

 

Unfortunately for fans of plank-based violence, Batman interrupts before the beating can continue any further, and–mistaking Rich for a mugger–starts what is probably the talkiest fight scene of all time.

This, I think, is what would translate best to the new cartoon. They’re obviously going for a friendlier Batman than the dour loner of Justice League and the Animated Series, and Haney’s version is chatty as hell:

 

 

Even with all the talking, though, Haney still manages to make him sound like Batman by having him seem thoroughly bored with the fact that he’s dealing with a kung fu assassination plot in the middle of Robinson Park. “Karate stuff. Great. That’s new.”

Anyway, to make a long story short, once Batman sorts out who’s the bad guy here and informs Dragon that the bearded transient of the opening sequence was actually a recently deceased millionaire who may have left Dragon his fortune, he then agonizes over the fact that he can’t do anything to stop the Stylist because he hasn’t committed any crimes. Even putting aside the fact that the Stylist just Attempted Murder two pages ago, Batman fails to remember that he’s a private citizen who puts on a mask and beats the crap out of muggers every night because he’s got nothing better to do, and that now is a little late to start worrying about things like “rights.”

In any case, he’s able to roust the Stylist with a bit of good old-fashioned entrapment, and once he flees the country for South America, we finally come face to face with the real villain of the story. See, the bad guy here isn’t the Stylist, or even the potential heir who hires him.

No, the bad guy here is the economy, because apparently things have gotten so bad that BATMAN HAS TO FLY COACH.

 

 

Blazes indeed, Batman. Blazes indeed.

Unintended Bricksequences

As anyone who’s spent any time with the ISB knows, the defining comic book of my youth–and my all-time favorite to this day–is Batman #425, in which Batman throws a car battery at an unsuspecting thug.

Now, my good pal Dave Lartigue, whose exploits inspired a few of my own efforts, has recreated my favorite page in glorious LEGO:

 

 

Oh man. For comparison, and because I haven’t posted it in almost six months, here’s the original page:

 

 

So awesome.

For more–including the awesome Necromancer’s Tower scene and the only Star Wars related content I still love–check out Dave’s Flickr stream. Thanks, Dave!

Spooktoberfest Special: Fear For Sale!

Despite the fact that he doesn’t have the lunatic flash of the Joker or the epic scale of Ra’s al-Ghul, the Scarecrow has always been one of my favorite villains.

At the risk of turning this into another one of those pseudo-intellectual essays, I think it has a lot to do with the way he works as a contrast to Batman. We’ve all seen the scene where he establishes that criminals are superstitious and cowardly, but Jonathan Crane’s a nice reminder that those aren’t qualities limited to those who break the law, and as much as Batman’s cape and devil-horn bat-ears are designed to frighten crooks, the Scarecrow uses the same tactics on the (relatively) innocent.

Plus, he’s got an awesome design. Seriously, say what you want about the lanky stitched-mouth of Scarecrow Classic, but that redesign they did for the latter seasons of the animated series? The one with the tattered coat and the noose around his neck? That thing is tight.

He’s got a good track record, too: SuperFriends notwithstanding, he’s been in a lot of good stories, owing to the fact that for such a deceptively simple concept, there’s a lot you can do with him.

Which brings us to tonight’s spoooooooky selection, from Detective Comics #571, which is without question one of my favorite comics of all time.

Seriously, even with competition from its contemporaries–which included Dark Knight Returns, Year One and Jim Starlin’s run over in the pages of Batman–Mike W. Barr’s Detective is one of the greatest runs of all time, and this is one of its high points.

I mean, just check out this splash page:

 

 

Man. Alan Davis. I have a feeling that kid’s gonna go far in this industry.

Also, it’s my duty as a comics blogger to point out that this is the issue that gives us this:

 

 

“Shoosh” indeed.

Anyway, here’s how it goes down: Following a hunch after two major accidents involving sports figures taking insane chances, Bruce Wayne and young Jason “Jay” Todd hit the racetrack, only to find three time Indy 500 Champion Jack Hogan attempt a reckless pass and end up as a fireball.

Fortunately, one quick change later, Batman and Robin are able to help out by–

 

 

NOW CUT THAT OUT!

Anyway, despite the disastrous wreck and some pretty serious injuries, Hogan doesn’t seem to have any regrets about his actions. Why? Well, as Batman discovers with his handy Science Microscope, he’s been dosed with a psychoactive chemical by the Scarecrow. But rather than the usual tactic of bringing out the subject’s deepest fears, this one works to take them away:

 

 

Before long, of course, Robin gets kidnapped and Batman gets dosed with the chemical, and that’s where this issue gets upgraded from “great” to “totally kickass.”

Because that’s when we start to get Cocky Batman:

 

 

This is what’s so great about this issue: Taking a character that–even in a run as fun and relatively lighthearted as Barr’s–was rooted in dour, methodical purpose and showing the contrast as he gets more and more reckless under the influence of the Scarecrow’s drug and watching him try to force himself to not have fun being Batman.

Plus, Alan Davis does wonders with it:

 

 

Thus, hepped up on fear-removing goofballs, Batman’s faced with a gauntlet of traps at a cement factory with what has to be the worst safety record in Gotham City. Seriously, if your job has spinning blade traps and pitfalls that pop up in the middle of a hallway and you’re not guarding the lost treasure of an ancient wizard or something, contact OSHA before you’re run over by a remote-controlled semi-truck.

 

 

This, incidentally, is exactly how my Batman vs. Optimus Prime fan-fiction went.

Of course, as with all sinister lairs, deathtraps prove no obstacle to Batman, and before long…

 

 

…and it’s revealed that in order to counteract the drug’s influence, Batman conjured up his own worst fear and held it in his mind, using it to focus on getting through the traps, beat the Scarecrow, and rescue Robin.

And that fear? Oh, I think you know where we’re going with this one:

 

 

Man. Good thing that never happened, huh?

In addition to the comic itself, “Fear For Sale” was later adapted into an episode of the Animated Series and handily reprinted–along with a lot of other great stuff–in Batman in the Eighties, and it’s well worth picking up.

I mean, come on:

 

 

Cocky Batman. He’s worth it for the eyebrow alone.

Friday Night Fights: Again With the Bloodsucking!

Time for another spooky smackdown with Bahlactus and the Friday Night Frights! Tonight: The Vampire Cults of Gotham City!

 

 

 

 

 

Because when your boyfriend is a guy who fights vampires, wolves, and a good old-fashioned crushing wall trap in the pages of Batman and the Mad Monk, it pays to know when to bash someone’s face in with a chair leg.

But What About the MI-6Pack?

You know what? I love the KGBeast and I don’t care who knows it.

A pretty bold statement, I know, because the Beast is without question one of the goofiest Batman villains ever created. I mean, just look at the guy:

 

 

Sure, it might say “Soviet Super-Assassin” on his resume, but let’s be real here: That guy’s about two zippers away from full on bondage gear, and the fact that he’s wearing leather trunks and a pair of thigh-high boots really isn’t helping much.

Then again, maybe it’s because of his goofiness that I like him so much, and since I haven’t talked about Batman in, what, two days? I thought that tonight, we’d take a look at the story that introduced him to us: Jim Starlin and Jim Aparo’s Ten Nights of the Beast.

Originally released as a four-part story in 1988’s Batman #417-420, Ten Nights was one of a lot of stories, like The Cult, that were vying to be the Next Big Thing in the wake of Year One and Dark Knight Returns. But whereas The Cult attempted to bridge the gap and make DKR the official future by throwing in stuff like a tank-like Batmobile and a darker villain, Ten Nights tried to recapture its spirit by making it as big a story as possible.

With the side effect being that it was absolutely ridiculous.

Seriously, this thing is the 1980s Action Movie of Batman stories. It’s what would happen if you let Jeph Loeb write Batman. The real Jeph Loeb, I mean, the guy who wrote Commando, not the self-parody who actually did write Batman. I wouldn’t let that guy write me a check.*

So here’s how it goes down:

 

 

Laughing Boy up there is Anatoli Knyazev, a ruthless, highly trained super-spy from the Soviet Union who operates under the codename “The KGBeast,” a name so gloriously ridiculous that it wouldn’t be surpassed until the debut of the Beast’s own protegé, the NKVDemon. In any case, he’s gone rogue and come to America to assassinate ten government officials on a list that includes President Ronald Reagan in order to stop them from developing the Star Wars project.

It is, therefore, the Eightiesest Story Ever Written.

In order to achieve this goal, the Beast–following the same model of Soviet Efficiency that brought us Ivan Drago–decides that the best plan of action would be coming to Gotham City and killing pretty much everybody. Seriously, the body count in this thing is ludicrious; the Beast leaves a bigger body count that tops even John Rambo’s personal best. Over the course of the titular Ten Nights, the Beast manages to personally murder well over a hundred Gothamites, including nailing eighty at once when he poisons the soup at a fundraiser:

 

 

Admittedly, they’re all Republicans, but… Nah. Nobody deserves that.

Anyway, exactly why everyone involved in the SDI–up to and including the President of the United States–is hanging out in Gotham City is never really addressed, but they are, and that means that when the Beast starts killing people by the handful, he has to deal with Batman. But while the Batman of the late 80s was probably at the height of his career as an ass-kicking international crime-fighter, the Beast stays one step ahead of him, thanks largely to the judicious use of a tactic often employed by Batman himself:

 

Child Endangerment

 

After a while, though, Batman ends up catching up with the Beast on a rooftop, and that’s when this thing just stops even trying to make sense. While following the Beast from one roof to another, Batman manages to loop a rope around one of his wrists, effectively trapping him.

Unfortunately for Batman, the Beast is currently armed with a fire axe which was just shown on the previous page to be fully capable of cutting through the line in question, even when wielded one-handed, with a little bit of effort. So as far as traps go, it’s not exactly Batman’s best.

And yet, the Beast chooses the absolute worst way of getting out of it:

 

 

Dude straight cuts off his own hand.

Starlin obviously meant for this to show that the Beast was as ruthless as his namesake and willing to sacrifice anything to accomplish his mission, but what with the fact that he could’ve also escaped by cutting the rope that is right there, it really just makes him seem like a dumbass. I mean, hands are pretty useful in one’s day-to-day life even if one is not a super-assassin.

And it’s like he totally realizes it, too. There’s a shot on the next page where he looks over his shoulder at Batman as he escapes, and while the narration assures us that he’s swearing vengeance, I’m pretty sure that he’s actually just going: “Wait. I could’ve just cut the rope. … Shit.”

After that, the story pretty much coasts to the finish line, with the KGBeast replacing his severed hand with a customized knife/gun thing–because, you know, comics–and eventually heading down to the sewer to fight Batman, who–what with the fact that the Beast has Diplomatic Immunity, which was a major plot point in at least three of Starlin’s Batman stories–decides not to take him into the police, instead just locking him up down there until he dies of starvation.

No, really.

 


(Click for a larger image)

 

Of course, eventually someone realized that Batman luring criminals down to the catacombs for a nice cask of Amontillado was probably not the best way for the character to work, and so Marv Wolfman later revealed in Batman: Year Three that he later called the cops and told them where to find the Beast.

And that makes this the only story where a villain’s complete disregard for human life pushes Batman to the point where he has to unleash his ultimate weapon: The Time Out.

 


 

*: This is a lie. Jeph Loeb can write me as many checks as he wants, and with each one, I will swear that ULTIMATES 3 is the greatest comic book I have ever read.

The Batchuk Contest: And The Winner Is…

Last Sunday, I asked the readers of the ISB to take their shots at drawing Batman using unconventional nunchuks, and I’ve gotta say: You guys really came through on this one, and I can honestly say that there wasn’t a single entry that didn’t make me laugh.

So let’s see what Batman’s pulling out to fight crime tonight!

 

The very first entry from NickT set the standard that everyone else had to live up to:

 

Nunchuks Made of Batman’s Dead Parents

 

Hey, thedarkbackward draws a lot like Matt Wagner! Somebody get this guy a miniseries!

 

Nunchuks Made of Frankenstein’s Monster

 

Pj Perez brought us the first in a sub-genre that can only be called “Sidechuks.”

 

Nunchuks Made of Robins

 

The rain on Chris’s chest is a salt-water baptism…

 

Nunchuks Made of Sharks… IN THE FUTURE

 

Kilmoonie knows that the most devastating weapon is brutal Internet handsomeness.

 

Nunchuks Made of Chris Sims

 

Jamie goes the extra mile to bring us…

 

Nunchuks Made of the Punisher

 

I knew there was a reason they called Just Some Guy “Mr. Action!”

 

Nunchuks Made of Jimmy Olsen
(Check here for a full explanation and a larger version)

 

Falcon7 goes back to Gotham by Gaslight to bring us this beautiful bit of destruction:

 

Nunchuks Made of 19th Century Street Urchins

 

Earlofthercs crafted a sigil to tap into the collective unconscious of the fictionverse, but when that didn’t work out, he drew this:

 

Nunchuks Made of Grant Morrison

 

The 52 worlds of the DC Universe are as a child’s plaything to Dave!

 

Nunchuks Made of Batmen

 

Psychofish knows that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through Jim Aparo.

 

Nunchuks Made of Mjolnir and Stormbreaker

 

Brian Smith gives us something that I can only describe as “inexplicable and hilarious.”

 

Nunchuks Made of That “Cliff Hangers” Guy From The Price Is Right
(AKA Yodelchuks)

 

Bryan Boles has next summer’s zombie-themed event comic RIGHT HERE!

 

Nunchuks Made of Brian Michael Bendis an Robert Kirkman

 

Tim C did a sequential piece that is just… Just… I mean freakin’ look at it!

 

Nunchuks Made of Monkeys That Are On Fire

 

Jacob Z. Clinton‘s entry is probably the most metal thing I’ve seen today. And I saw Slayer fight Manowar with broadswords.

 

Nunchuks Made of Narwhals Who Are Immune To The Omega Effect

 

It’s like andrewg2442 reached into my head and pulled out my most wonderful dream.

 

Nunchuks Made of Bears With Chainsaws

 

Mitch presents a martial art 65 million years in the making.

 

Nunchuks Made of Tyrannosaurus Rexes, One of Which Appears To Be In a Gang (or Breakdance Crew)

 

Ninjaink can smell their fear… and it is sweet.

 

Nunchuks Made of Chainsaws

 

DouglasG is all about keeping things in scale.

 

Nunchuks Made of Godzilla and Mechagodzilla

 

Sean Whitmore‘s entry isn’t really nunchuks, but come on: we’re not really dealing with the standard definition at this point.

 

Nunchuks Made of Batman’s Own Dislocated Arms

 

Heimdall deserves his own case in the Batcave.

 

Nunchuks Made of Sidekicks

 

Schujo has two words for you: “Ka” and “boom.”

 

Nunchuks made of Dynamite

 

And now, a few that I got via email:

Moises Tavera created a strange world in which The Dark Knight was even more awesome than it was:

 

Nunchuks Made of Movie-Sharks

 

Friend of the ISB Richelle Mead has a fun activity that you can do at home!

 

Nunchuks Made of Smash-Hit Urban Fantasy Novels

 

Paul Milne is now on my Christmas Card list forever.

 

Nunchuks Made of MODOK and MODAM

 

Michael Noonan sent me what is unquestionably the strangest entry I’ve ever gotten:

 


(Click for full-size)

Nunchuks Made of Chris Sims That Are Used To Defeat Tarot, Orca the Whale Woman, the Joker and Dave’s Long Box While Herbie and Rachelle Goguen Look On

 

Caleb Mozzocco gives us a triptych of awesome:

 


(Click for full-size)

Nunchuks Made of The Punisher, Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter: Guilty Pleasures, and Batman

 

And finally…

Philip Oldham is In It To Win It!

 

Nunchuks Made of Missy and Torrance, The Rancho Carne Toros Cheerleaders From Bring It On

 

I don’t think I’m exaggerating here when I say that with entries like that, this is quite possibly the greatest contest in the history of contests, and considering that I got somebody to draw Batman using nunchuks made of MODOKs who also have their own nunchuks, I think I could retire from this whole internet thing tomorrow and be perfectly happy with that. Everyone who contributed was absolutely fantastic. You’ve made the world more awesome, and you should all be proud.

But, this is a contest, and that means that there can be only one winner, and that (dubious) honor can only go to one entry.

Because when you get right down to it, this entire thing was based on Batman using nunchuks made of sharks, and there’s only one thing that could possibly beat those:

 

NUNCHUKS MADE OF ANTI-SHARK REPELLENT BAT-SPRAY
by CornFedCannibal

 

Congratulations, CFC! You’ve won yourself an autographed copy of Teenagers From the Future, featuring an all new essay by me on the inherent teenage cruelty of the Legion Constitution, a copy of Batman Chronicles v.1, wherein Golden Age Batman hits people with other people a lot, and whatever else I happen to scrounge up before it’s time to mail out the prize.

Thanks, everybody! And really… No OMACHUKS?

 

Note: I’ve been through my email and the comments of the original post twice each, but if I happened to miss anybody, please shoot me an email to let me know.