Ask Road Rage Venom

Dear Road Rage Venom,

Help! When I first got to college, my roommate was great, and while we still get along about half the time, the other half is a nightmare! She’s constantly complaining about how loud my music is, even when I’m wearing headphones while I study, and sometimes she’ll just go crazy and start yelling at me over the slightest thing. I may not be a perfect roomie, but I know I’m not doing anything that bad! Can you give me some advice on what to do before I divide the room down the middle like a bad sitcom?

–Up The Walls at UCLA

 

 

RUN IF YOU LIKE, PARKER!!! IT WON’T SAVE YOU!

You CANNOT avoid us, PARKER! Have you forgotten that WE are immune to your pathetic “Spider-Sense?” We can strike at ANY TIME, from ANYWHERE, and keeping your turn signal on for EIGHT MILES will not spare you from our well-deserved VENGEANCE! Sooner or later, your Exit will come, Parker… And THEN you will be OURS!

Good Luck,
Road Rage Venom

 


 

Dear Road Rage Venom,

Lately, I’ve been noticing that one of the girls at work has been stopping by my desk to chat. Normally, I wouldn’t think anything of it, but her visits seem to have gotten more and more frequent lately, and even when we’re just talking about work, her smile lights up the cubicle. I’ve always been the shy type, but after seeing you help so many people, I knew you could do the same for me. So put it to me straight: Is she interested, or am I reading too much into office chit-chat?

–Lovestruck in Laramie

 

 

Did you REALLY think that this PITIFUL effort would stop me, Parker?! An eighty-car train inching along the tracks is hardly an impassable barrier, and the sharp agony of the its whistle is NOTHING compared to the burning HATRED we feel for you! The hate that comes from the way you HUMILIATED us when we were Eddie Brock, and rejected–WHAT?! It’s STOPPING?! We have been sitting here for SIX MINUTES ALREADY! But every SECOND that goes by only INCREASES our RAGE–BACKWARDS?!

WE WILL DESTROY YOU FOR THIS, SPIDER-MAAAANNNN!!!!

Sincerely,
Road Rage Venom

 


 

Dear Road Rage Venom,

Ever since I saw Old Yeller as a kid, I’ve always thought that a growing boy should have a dog. Well, fast forward a few decades, and my own son’s old enough that I think he could handle the responsibility of a pet. The only problem is what kind of dog we should get for him? He likes all kinds, and while my wife thinks a big dog like a German Shepherd would be too much and favors a smaller one, I’m not sure how much fun he’d have with a little puppy. Who’s right?

–Pet Lover in Peoria

 

 

Roadside Assistance? Yes, we have a–my member number? All right, it’s 221314. Yes. We are on the freeway just past Exit 27, and we have a flat tire.

…Yes. No, if we HAD a spare tire, we wouldn’t be CALLING for ASSISTANCE! Our VENGEANCE demands SWIFT and–NO! DO NOT PUT US ON HOLD AGAIN! Each SECOND you delay dispatching a tow truck takes Spider-Man further from our grasp! DO NOT–Hello? HELLO?!

Oh that’s it, you just made THE LIST. The world won’t miss another foolish phone operator anyway, especially one that sounds just… like…

PARRRRRKEERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
Road Rage Venom

 


Road Rage Venom is a noted expert in both relationships and business whose weekly advice column appears in over seventy newspapers nationwide. His latest book, A FOUR-WAY STOP SIGN WILL ONLY DELAY THE INEVITABLE, PARKER!!!!!, is a nationwide bestseller from Harper Collins. He is not a real doctor.

Ask Road Rage Venom

Dear Road Rage Venom,

Lately, my boyfriend’s been really distant, and when he left his cell phone in my car, I noticed that he stored the numbers of a lot of people that I didn’t know. When I asked, he said they were just friends, but I have my doubts. How do I know if he’s cheating on me?

–Worried in Wilmington

 

 

PARKERRRRR!!!!!

Do you think high gas prices can stop me, Parker?! Thanks to a fuel-efficient import, it’s little more than an amusing FAILURE! We are coming for you, Parker, and not even rush hour traffic on the one-ten is going to stop us from our REVENGE!

Sincerely,
Road Rage Venom

 


 

Dear Road Rage Venom,

I’ve finally gotten to the point in my career where I feel like I should become a homeowner, but with all the recent craziness in the housing market, I could use some advice. What’s a good fixed-rate APR to try for when I’m looking for a loan?

–Tired of Renting in Renton

 

 

Do you REMEMBER, Parker?! Remember how you humiliated us?! REJECTED us?! Our hatred gives us strength, Spider-Man, and this time your friends in the Fantastic Four won’t be around to STOP us! What?! A TOLL ROAD?!

CURSE YOU, SPIDER-MAN!!!

Sincerely,
Road Rage Venom

 


 

Dear Road Rage Venom,

I’m sick of being a doormat! It’s not that I don’t like my friends, but I feel like I’ve been letting them push me around: I always have to drive people when we go out, and they’re always coming over to my place without calling! How can I be more aggressive about what I want without losing them as friends?

–Timid in Topeka

 

 

PARKERRRRR!!!!!! WHY WON’T YOU LET US MERGE?!?!?!

Our exit is RIGHT THERE, you maniac, and you’re driving TWENTY MILES UNDER THE LIMIT! We have had our turn signal on for thirty seconds, and you are SORELY testing our patience! Revenge will be ours, Parker… Revenge will be ours.

Best of Luck,
Road Rage Venom

 


Road Rage Venom is a noted expert in both relationships and business whose weekly advice column appears in over seventy newspapers nationwide. His latest book, WE’RE COMING FOR YOU IN OUR VAN, PARKER!!!!, is a nationwide bestseller from Harper Collins. He is not a real doctor.