Dear Road Rage Venom,
Help! When I first got to college, my roommate was great, and while we still get along about half the time, the other half is a nightmare! She’s constantly complaining about how loud my music is, even when I’m wearing headphones while I study, and sometimes she’ll just go crazy and start yelling at me over the slightest thing. I may not be a perfect roomie, but I know I’m not doing anything that bad! Can you give me some advice on what to do before I divide the room down the middle like a bad sitcom?
–Up The Walls at UCLA
RUN IF YOU LIKE, PARKER!!! IT WON’T SAVE YOU!
You CANNOT avoid us, PARKER! Have you forgotten that WE are immune to your pathetic “Spider-Sense?” We can strike at ANY TIME, from ANYWHERE, and keeping your turn signal on for EIGHT MILES will not spare you from our well-deserved VENGEANCE! Sooner or later, your Exit will come, Parker… And THEN you will be OURS!
Good Luck,
Road Rage Venom
Dear Road Rage Venom,
Lately, I’ve been noticing that one of the girls at work has been stopping by my desk to chat. Normally, I wouldn’t think anything of it, but her visits seem to have gotten more and more frequent lately, and even when we’re just talking about work, her smile lights up the cubicle. I’ve always been the shy type, but after seeing you help so many people, I knew you could do the same for me. So put it to me straight: Is she interested, or am I reading too much into office chit-chat?
–Lovestruck in Laramie
Did you REALLY think that this PITIFUL effort would stop me, Parker?! An eighty-car train inching along the tracks is hardly an impassable barrier, and the sharp agony of the its whistle is NOTHING compared to the burning HATRED we feel for you! The hate that comes from the way you HUMILIATED us when we were Eddie Brock, and rejected–WHAT?! It’s STOPPING?! We have been sitting here for SIX MINUTES ALREADY! But every SECOND that goes by only INCREASES our RAGE–BACKWARDS?!
WE WILL DESTROY YOU FOR THIS, SPIDER-MAAAANNNN!!!!
Sincerely,
Road Rage Venom
Dear Road Rage Venom,
Ever since I saw Old Yeller as a kid, I’ve always thought that a growing boy should have a dog. Well, fast forward a few decades, and my own son’s old enough that I think he could handle the responsibility of a pet. The only problem is what kind of dog we should get for him? He likes all kinds, and while my wife thinks a big dog like a German Shepherd would be too much and favors a smaller one, I’m not sure how much fun he’d have with a little puppy. Who’s right?
–Pet Lover in Peoria
Roadside Assistance? Yes, we have a–my member number? All right, it’s 221314. Yes. We are on the freeway just past Exit 27, and we have a flat tire.
…Yes. No, if we HAD a spare tire, we wouldn’t be CALLING for ASSISTANCE! Our VENGEANCE demands SWIFT and–NO! DO NOT PUT US ON HOLD AGAIN! Each SECOND you delay dispatching a tow truck takes Spider-Man further from our grasp! DO NOT–Hello? HELLO?!
Oh that’s it, you just made THE LIST. The world won’t miss another foolish phone operator anyway, especially one that sounds just… like…
…
PARRRRRKEERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
Sincerely,
Road Rage Venom
Road Rage Venom is a noted expert in both relationships and business whose weekly advice column appears in over seventy newspapers nationwide. His latest book, A FOUR-WAY STOP SIGN WILL ONLY DELAY THE INEVITABLE, PARKER!!!!!, is a nationwide bestseller from Harper Collins. He is not a real doctor.