Lately I’ve been getting a few gripes from readers about how I don’t review Tarot anymore, and unlike Anita Blake — which I honestly had no idea was actually still coming out — there’s a reason for it: It hasn’t been all that interesting lately. I’m pretty sure the last two or three issues were an origin recap that was framed as a story about the origins of Tarot’s leather bikini, and while I’d be pretty interested in knowing why someone decided breast-spirals and perpendicular boot-spikes were the proper uniform of the Swordmaiden to the Goddess, that wasn’t really addressed.

The latest issue, however… is magnificent. So join me as I write up my thoughts on the mind-blowing events of Tarot #63, in which The Talent manages to work necrophilia, head-only lycanthropy, electric fishnets and a pretty thorough lack of commas into one amazing story!

Whenever I go through Previews (as I was for this morning’s post, I always like to pay special attention to the ads for Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose, if only to see if Jim Balent’s had to draw any bikinis onto otherwise naked ladies to meet content standards. This time around, the bikini was the least of my worries, as I noticed that The Talent drew a sexy lady…

…and straight up gave her Courage Wolf’s head:

And as Tarot usually does, that got me thinking: What if instead of putting Courage Wolf in Tarot, you put Balent’s dialogue into the world of Courage Wolf?

And as you can see from the image above, that’s exactly what I did. Truly, I am a scholar for today.

I’ve been waiting to write about this one for almost a month, but ComicsAlliance’s Girl Week has finally given me the chance to throw the spotlight on the upcoming Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose MiniMates! And if you’re curious, you can check out the original video in all its Comic Sans glory, featuring full turnarounds on all four figures, plus the music of Horror Story.

You guys… I am going to buy these things so hard.

Over the past few weeks at ComicsAlliance, I’ve had the pleasure of shining the spotlight on some of my favorite Christmas Comics, and just in time for Christmas Eve, I put on my tackiest sweater and bring you the flipside of the coin: the Five Worst Holiday Comics Ever!

As you can see from the image above, this one gave me the chance to revisit “Holiday Witches” from Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose #41, which means that I am reasonably certain that this will be the only Christmas comics article that you read that includes the phrase “almost raped by Frankenstein.”

And that’s at the top of the list.

So give it a read, and enjoy the last-minute gift ideas for the hated enemies on your shopping list!

Chris Sims?! Writing about Tarot?! Believe it!

Yes, last week saw the release of the BroadSword Comics Falll 2009 promotional video, so today on ComicsAlliance, I provide minute-by-minute commentary for the announcements concerning everyone’s favorite witchity empowerment figure, who mysteriously can’t get through a swordfight to the death without becoming aroused by her far more skilled male counterpart.

Not to spoil it for anyone, but the biggest item in the video is the news that Balent is teaming up with Diamond select toys to bring Tarot into a third mind-boggling dimension, and I’ll be honest: The question here is not if I’m going to buy it, but how many.

So enjoy, and look for our annual delve into the Tarot archives later this month as Spooktoberfest rolls on!

In case you somehow managed to miss the last week of the ISB, and the national robo-calling campaign, and the skywriters I hired, and the message I rented out on the side of the Goodyear Blimp and my appearance on Last Call with Carson Daly, I turned 27 last Wednesday, and as you might expect from someone who celebrates his birthday with the pomp usually seen at most medium-sized college graduations, receiving tribute to my lasting awesomeness from various cretins thoughtful gifts from my good friends is one of my favorite parts.

Before I get around to what I got this year, I’ve got a few presents for you guys.

Woman of A.C.T.I.O.N. #1 finished up on my birthday, with all 25 pages of story (plus a letters page and pin-ups from Rusty Shackles and Kate Holden) available to read online or download as a .cbz file. During the writing process, I toyed with the idea of uploading it a page at a time, so I tried to have some kind of break at the end of every page (which came in handy when I decided to change the chapters), but I think it reads better all in one shot. So if you haven’t yet, give it a read.

Also, my latest article for the ComicsAlliance went up on Wednesday, in which I gave you, the readers who love to see me suffer, the greatest gift of all: I read an issue of the ICP comic and briefly reviewed it for a gallery of Nine Terrible Comics Based On Real People (and Four That Were Pretty Awesome). I may never be the same again.

Wednesday was also the day when I announced my latest project: WAR ROCKET AJAX!

So hey, remember back in 2006 when I though it would be a good idea to do a podcast while teaching myself sound editing software? Yeah, well, neither does anyone else, but for the twos of you who were clamoring for the return of my nerd-tinged Southern accent, I’m launching a new podcast this week with co-host Eugene Ahn, where we sit down with a guest every episode and talk about comics. This week’s guest? Matt Fraction. Yeah: We’re opening with the guy who writes Uncanny X-Men. That’s how War Rocket Ajax rolls. Check out the site for more news and a full-sized version of Rusty’s great logo, and I’ll keep you posted for when the first installment is dispatched.

But enough about the things I’m giving to you. What matters now is what people gave me.

First up, a tip of the party hat to pally Doctor K, who went well out of his way to make my birthday awesome and gave me a ton of books that I’m sure you’ll be seeing crop up on the ISB soon, including both the prequel novel to the GI Joe movie and the second Gabriel Hunt book, which of course is the next selection for our ISBook Club. Thanks, Dr. K!

Continuing the theme of literature, pals Richelle and Caitlin came through with the greatest gift two writers can give to another: awesomely lurid paperbacks:

Yes, it’s two installments of Jonathan Cain’s world-renowned famous published Saigon Commandos series, the long out of print cult classics that go for up to sixty-two cents on Amazon. According to Wikipedia, Cain is now a private detective in Los Angeles and one of his novels was made into a Roger Corman picture, and it’s easy to see why. #5, pictured above, might have the best title, but if the back cover copy is to be believed, #6 is the single greatest book ever published:

BATTLE COP

When an army of Vietnamese mercenaries boldly slaughters a U.S. payroll convoy, it falls to Sergeant Stryker and the MPs of the 716th to take on the bandits the only way they know how: With no mercy and with M-16s on full automatic!

The raiders, though, are only one of Stryker’s problems. He also has to flush out a sniper who shot off the face of an army chaplain right in the middle of a eulogy, survive a face-off with a hungry bengal tiger, and chase down a Commie sapper team in Saigon’s back alleys.

But Stryker, the ex-Green Beret, is used to the danger and death on the toughest beat in the wordl. And when tracers light up the night sky, every murdering slime, Cong sympathizer, and GI-hating whore will pay hell at the hands of his…

SAIGON COMMANDOS

I gotta confess, I hope Richelle and Caitlin read these before they put ‘em in the Snake-Eyes vs. Storm Shadow gift bag and sent them to me. Not because they’re not incredibly talented writers already, but because I’m pretty sure every single work of fiction ever would be better if it involved that series of events. Thanks, guys!

My birthday present from Kevin came early this year, and if you managed to catch me at HeroesCon, you’ve probably seen it already: Business cards featuring Solomon Stone and Minxy Flatbush, as drawn by Matthew Allen Smith in TCOSS #1:

Thanks, Kevin!

And speaking of Smithy, one of the perks of knowing a bunch of artists is that they tend to draw nice stuff for your birthday, and I got some fantastic pieces from my guys this time around.

First up, Tamas Jakab of El Gorgo knows what I’m looking for:

And Rusty Shackles drew me an awesome pin-up of Solomon Stone (or, to be honest, of Minxy Flatbush and the 3-D Zombies):

And Smithy, of course, drew me a shot of our Dream Project (or at least, my Dream Project that I’d drag him kicking and screaming onto:

Thanks guys!

But out of all of those, there’s one present that stands out above the rest. This one comes from Jake Bell, formerly of Ye Olde Comick Booke Blogge fame, who went to San Diego and had a conversation about me.

With Jim Balent.

Which led to this:

So that’s what I got for my birthday, and clearly, they’re presents that we can all enjoy.

But mostly me.

Because they’re mine.