Ah, 1975. When you could master the martial arts without ever leaving your home:

(Click for a larger, slightly legible image)

Yes, chopping your throat in the pages of Deadly Hands of Kung Fu #20–the same issue that brought you the historic first meeting of Jack Kirby and Chuck Norris–is the combat system that can change your life: Aicondo! And while it doesn’t quite capture the elegance of Count Dante and the Dance of Death, there’s a lot to like about it.

First, I like that Aicondo is a combat system that has been distilled from ancient fighting arts, because when you’re choosing the right way to take out a nondescript bald assailant and/or romance a lady with the power of your gi and feathered hair, you want something described in the same terms as a fine wine. If only they promised that the deadly secrets of Aicondo had been cask-aged for sixteen years in the highlands of Scotland, that $6.95 would’ve been on its way a lot sooner.

And then there’s the actual sales pitch, wherein it is made abundantly clear that Aicondo is not a sport and is, in fact, a razor-sharp system of action response, a term I intend to apply to virtually everything I do in my day-to-day life from now on. Also of note, the fact that Aicondo, unlike lesser self-defense systems, is not a martial “art.”

Why? Because art is for girls.

And seriously, why bother with girls when you can Select A Trusted Friend–a line that makes the crucial mistake of assuming that the readers of Deadly Hands of Kung Fu actually had trusted friends–with whom you could share your secrets, tone your body, and develop a bond built around mail-order certificates and a vaguely-defined “fraternity?”

I mean really, this thing practically sells itself.