Today, Matt Wilson and I are launching our newest project, Movie Fighters! If you read the movie reviews that we used to do at ComicsAlliance, then you’re already familiar with the format: We pick a (usually terrible) movie and go in-depth with it so you don’t have to. Movie Fighters is the same style, but instead of breaking it up into a two-part review, we’re doing it as an all-new audio experience. It’s like it’s being broadcast directly to your iPod or other MP3 playing device! We call it… a podcast.

The first episode is up now, where we go head-to-head with 1994′s genuinely terrible Double Dragon, and you can get the whole thing for just one dollar. And if you’ve already donated to the War Rocket Ajax fundraiser, then there’s a download code for the first episode waiting for you in your inbox. We’ll be doing the show biweekly, starting with finishing our promised round-up of fighting movie games, going through Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, Tekken, King of Fighters, and then on to our next listener-voted series. Will we finally be forced to sit through all five (six? seven?) Resident Evil movies? Who knows?

If you still have doubts, you can listen to the first track (our introduction, where we talk about skating rinks and beat-em-ups) for free, so please give it a shot and let us know what you think!

This week on War Rocket Ajax, Greg Rucka is back to talk about his highly successful Kickstarter for Lady Sabre and the Pirates of the Ineffable Aether! Also, and I know this is going to be shocking, we talk about Batman a little bit. Plus, barbecue and wrestling are the two great tastes that taste great together, and we announce our brand new project!

War Rocket Ajax #158: A Man Who Seeks Revenge with Greg Rucka

(WARNING: Contains NSFW language)

We are available on iTunes! Click here to find ComicsAlliance Presents War Rocket Ajax in iTunes, where you can subscribe and leave us a review if you enjoy the show!

You can also stream the show using the player above, or download it in MP3 format from WarRocketAjax.com.

Show Notes:

Follow Greg Rucka on Twitter and Tumblr. He likes to answer people’s questions about Wonder Woman.

Read Lady Sabre, by Greg and Rick Burchett, and then check out the Kickstarter!

Matt’s new column at MTV Geek. He talks about Kickstarter there, too.

Tim Donst cut a promo from the hospital.

Chris’s Rec: The Chikara Mixtapes

Matt’s Rec: Django Unchained

Comics Reviewed:  Batman & Red Hood #20, Batman #20, Archer & Armstrong #0.

Mark your calendars for May 22nd, folks: In two weeks, Chad Bowers, Erica Henderson, Josh Krach and I are launching Subatomic Party Girls through Monkeybrain Comics, available only on Comixology! Together, Cleo, Libby and Vette are Beryllium Steel, the hottest power pop trio in music, and they’re about to launch their biggest tour date ever: Performing live from the surface of the moon as a test for the brand-new subatomic light drive. If it works, it won’t just be the biggest stunt in rock ‘n’ roll history, it’ll usher in a new age of nearly instantaneous space travel. If something goes wrong, however, the girls might just find themselves stranded on the other side of the galaxy with space pirates, intergalactic crime bosses and a spacefaring cult that wants them dead. I’ll let you figure out how it goes down.

The first issue of the ongoing series is a jam-packed sixteen pages, plus bonus material from Erica’s sketchbook, and it’ll set you back a cool 99¢ for the download. It’ll be available on Wednesday, May 22, but if you can’t wait, you can pre-order it right now!

It probably goes without saying, but I’m really excited about this. Chad and I have been wanting to do a book like this forever — I think the title actually predates Awesome Hospital — and if you’re not familiar with Erica’s work, she’s basically amazing. I set up a Tumblr where we can post some stuff, so keep an eye on that for promos as we ramp up to the first issue. So mark your calendar, check the tumblr and preorder the new series, and get ready for a whole new era of the Action Age!

Way back in 1996, the very first Yahoo! search that I ever did once I got the Internet at home was for Xena: Warrior Princess erotic fiction. That might be a little too much information to be sharing here, but I’m bringing it up for two reasons. First, because before I start throwing out judgments, I think it’s important to establish that I’m coming at it from an alarmingly informed perspective. Second, because on that fateful summer day, I learned that there was a lot of Xenarotica out there. Seriously. That is what they called it, and possibly the origin of my fetishistic love of portmanteaus.

Point being, with fifteen years of fan-fiction doing the heavy lifting (and the grunting, and the breathy longing), there’s no reason for Xena XXX to be this boring, and I blame it entirely on a lack of imagination in the story department. Honestly, even beyond the erotic fan-fiction, the actual show has seven years worth of plots that are basically just porn scripts without the sex. Here:

When an old friend of Xena’s lands herself in prison, Xena also gets herself arrested so that she can rescue her. Gabrielle begins a food fight so she can get into prison to help Xena.

That is an actual episode summary from the first season, and that’s before they really started getting into the lesbian subtext. You basically just need to shoot that and call it a day.

Instead, here’s what director Jordan Septo ended up going with: Draco wants to trap Xena by getting Eros to shoot her with an arrow that’ll make her fall in love (or at least highly theatrical lust, from the looks of things) with him, so he lures Xena into a town where Autolycus is bilking the local wenches out of their virtue. Xena shows up, but Eros gets drunk and shoots Gabrielle instead, and Draco absconds with her. Hercules shows up to lend a hand (and penis), and Xena rescues Gabrielle. Also all the cast members (plus Ares and Aphrodite) have sex with each other in various combinations, but not really the ones you want to see.

The whole thing’s just really basic on almost every level, with a really frustrating lack of effort in how it’s made — and yes, I do realize that is something that a lunatic would say about a porn version of Xena: Warrior Princess. I stand by it, though, if only because it’s hard not to compare it to Axel Braun’s superhero parodies for Vivid, which really do make the effort. Even when they’re bad — which they frequently are — they’re trying. Xena XXX, however, stops at just-good-enough, and half the time it drops the ball on that.

Case in point, here’s a shot of Tommy Pistol as Autolycus:

Dude actually does do a pretty decent job of aping Bruce Campbell’s mannerisms, but c’mon son. Autolycus has a moustache and a goatee. Randy Spears grew a moustache and then covered it up in white makeup to play Cesar Romero playing the Joker in Batman XXX, you can make the effort.

Along the same lines, while the costumes are great, the lack of attention to detail is really distracting. Axel Braun built a fucking Iron Man suit (literally) for his movies. Xena XXX leaves the price tag on Gabrielle’s boots:

Price tag aside, Lexi Belle is a pretty great choice for Gabrielle. She seems like a nice girl.

I generally try to avoid reviewing the actual sex, but I will say that it seemed to suffer from a similar lack of imagination. The Ares and Aphrodite scene in particular was super mechanical, although the part of my brain that really likes reading way too much into things wants to believe that was a choice on Tommy Gunn’s part, because of course the God of War would just singlemindedly ram into something until he achieved his goal.

Also, that is not a typo: This picture features both a Tommy Gunn and a Tommy Pistol. Tommy Rifle was sick that week.

I will say, though, that there is a downright shocking lack of lesbian sex in this movie. Xena and Gabrielle don’t even get into it until the last scene, and while I respect the idea of building to that as the climax of the film, it doesn’t really fit in. Putting aside for the moment that Hercules essentially being responsible for the rescue at the end is something that really undercuts the show’s original formula of feminism and exploitation in equal measure, I’m just going to go ahead and say this: Nobody watching a porn version of Xena wants to see a dude involved in the sex scenes. Maybe Hercules — maybe. But only because this dude is basically awesome:

All in all, it feels like a big waste of potential. I mean, there is no reason in the world that Draco is in this movie and Callisto isn’t. Plus, if you’re going to throw Gabrielle in there with a guy, I think we can all agree that it should’ve been Joxer.

They really dropped the ball not offering that part to Hollywood Actor Ted Raimi right from the start. I’m like 90% sure he would’ve done it.

This week on War Rocket Ajax, we’re joined by my ex-boss, Caleb Goellner, for a show that’s equal parts a memorial for ComicsAlliance and a pretty optimistic chat about his awesome comics, Task Force Rad Squad and Mermaid Evolution. It’s a long one, clocking in at almost two hours, but… well, we had a lot to say. Plus: Love Haters, Matt finally discovers Copra, and yet another discussion of why Chris can’t play the shootin’ games that all the cool kids like so much.

War Rocket Ajax #157: Hashtag Hireable with Caleb Goellner

(WARNING: Contains NSFW language)

We are available on iTunes! Click here to find ComicsAlliance Presents War Rocket Ajax in iTunes, where you can subscribe and leave us a review if you enjoy the show!

You can also stream the show using the player above, or download it in MP3 format from WarRocketAjax.com.

Show Notes:

Caleb’s on Twitter! Follow him if you like hearing about pugs and snowboards, bro.

Pay whatever you want for Task Force Rad Squad (even $0, if you’re an unemployed cheapskate) and read Mermaid Evolution online!

The War Rocket Ajax donation drive is back. Hit the comments or send an email to warrocketpodcast at gmail and tell us what you’d like for rewards.

Rest In Peace, Michael Ryan. Listen to his amazing hater story from his appearance on the show.

Which is your favorite Mighty Mutanimal?

Chris’s Rec: Chris Sims and Matt Wilson, for all your bad movie-watching needs.

Matt’s Rec: Farcry 3: Blood Dragon

Comics Reviewed: Adventures of Superman #1, The Copra Compendium, Indestructible Hulk #7.

This month, things are obviously a little shaky for me, but as is so often the case, I find that it’s pretty easy to take solace in the misery of others, especially when “others” means “Les Moore and his infinitely punchable face,” and I gotta say: Over the past few weeks, this thing has been in rare form. Evil fathers! Memories of cancer! The phrase “he was murdered when I was a baby!” It’s a good one. For certain values of “good.”

Funky Winkerbean, April 12:

For those of you who haven’t been obsessing over this strip for the past two years, Lisa’s Story is the memoir Les wrote about how his first wife died of breast cancer, and is, to date, the only bit of success that he’s had in his career as a writer. The big development in April has been that it’s finally been optioned for a movie — or in this case, a made-for-cable deathstravaganza — and that Les himself has been given the job of writing the screenplay.

This is important information to know, because what you see above is a strip where we find out that Les’s reaction to the prospect of sitting down and reliving his first wife’s slow, painful death is to get horny enough to start straight up pawing at his current wife until she physically shoves him out of the room.

Funky Winkerbean, April 26:

Meanwhile, over in our B-plot, we have what might actually be a happy moment if it wasn’t for literally every single thing going on around it. Jessica and Darrin are announcing to Darrin’s parents — well, his adopted parents, his real parents are the Very Dead Lisa and a guy who will be important in about six paragraphs — that Jessica’s pregnant. That’s good news, right?

Well, except for the part where Darrin’s dad powers through his recent stroke (because of course he had a recent stroke) to reveal that he never once explained to his son how sexual reproduction works, and Darrin responds by brushing off his father in favor of getting a zinger in about how his dad was less caring and informative than an actual inanimate object.

Listen. As my Google history will attest, I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. I literally have a stack of comps from Vivid Video sitting by my desk waiting for me to write reviews nitpicking the continuity. But there is nothing, nothing that has made me more uncomfortable than having Darrin casually chat about internet porn with his mom.

Funky Winkerbean, April 1:

Oh, here’s something a little more wholesome: Bullying!

I can’t decide which would be weirder: Opening up a newspaper and seeing this strip in complete and utter isolation, sitting there between Garfield and Peanuts, with three silent panels of people being genuinely horrible to each other, capped off by a weary face looming, or actually reading Funky every day and watching this strip lead into Owen getting a lecture about the Lone Ranger. Seriously: That is what happens.

Funky Winkerbean, April 30:

Back at the Fairgood place, Jessica is expressing her excitement about pregnancy in about the way you’d expect: By talking about how she really wants to finish the documentary about her father’s murder.

Putting aside for a second that the second panel is one of the finest examples of pure, uncut Winkerbean, this one might require a bit of explanation. See, while there are currently two strips set in the Funkyverse, there was once a third; John Darling, a spinoff that followed the adventures of a dimwitted, self-absorbed talk show host. It ran for about twelve years, but when Batiuk got into a conflict over ownership of the strip in 1991, he solved the problem by having Darling cold murdered on-panel in what had up to that point been a gag strip and then ending the next day. Then he used it as a plot point in Funky.

I might make fun of the dude’s comics, but never forget that Tom Batiuk is a straight up baller.

Crankshaft, April 27:

Speaking of Funky‘s spinoffs, here’s an installment from Crankshaft, the more gag-oriented strip that, according to its official description, “engenders reader loyalty with its engaging storylines and Crankshaft’s muddled aphorisms.” It’s about how the world around us is recognizable only as a series of painful injuries.

Funky Winkerbean, April 18:

If there’s one thing that Funky Winkerbean has been missing all these years — aside from, you know, the concept of joy — it’s honest-to-God actual super-villainy, so you can imagine how giddy I am at this strip. While his identity remains unrevealed, I am all but certain that the dude who appears in Panel 3 here is actually Darrin’s birth father, the jock who got Lisa drunk, took her virginity in the back of a car, knocked her up and never spoke to her again in one of the strip’s earliest flirtations with focusing on the horrors of the human condition.

I mean, who else could it be? Look at that dude! He’s sitting around his house in a wifebeater with his blinds all askew drinking a generic can of “Beer!” The only way he could be more evil is if he turned around and broke the fourth wall by staring at us with an evil smirk.

Funky Winkerbean, April 28:

See? SEE?! This dude might just clock in at above 400 milihitlers. Although knowing Funky Winkerbean and its tendency to disappoint me when I actually want to see these people have their lives ruined, it’s just as likely that he’s coming back to apologize for, you know, ruining pretty much everyone’s life. That generic beer, though… I hate to say it, but I’m holding out hope.

And finally…

Funky Winkerbean, April 21:

Oh fuck you.

Keep up with Funky Winkerbean in your local paper, or on Chron.com!

As you probably heard already, AOL shut down ComicsAlliance last week after three years and three Eisner Award nominations. This is pretty upsetting for a number of reasons, not the least of which being that I’m currently out of a full-time job.

More than that, though, CA was a dream job in a lot of ways. I’ve wanted to be a professional writer since I was 12, and CA was literally the place that made that happen, allowing me to quit my day job and focus on making jokes about Batman on a professional level. There were so many opportunities that I got because of that job, and so many friends. That’s the thing about CA, and one of the reasons I think it worked so well: We all really got along, which made it fun to argue with each other and easy to write things that were meant to entertain ourselves more than anyone else. Working with Laura, Joe, Caleb and Andy gave me a pretty incredible amount of freedom to write about things I wanted to write about, and as selfish as it is, losing that is pretty depressing — something that’s been slightly exaggerated by the fact that most reactions are almost treating me like I am actually dead, instead of just sitting at home replaying Fable II  and hustling for more work. But on the bright side, the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. I’ve gotten a lot of support from friends and readers, and it seems like there are a lot of people out there who are going to miss CA as much as I will. Or, you know, as much as you can without it directly impacting your wallet.

As for what’s next, I’m really not sure. This kind of took us all by surprise, and I have no idea how long ComicsAlliance.com is going to stay up or if they’re going to keep my work available there. War Rocket Ajax is Matt’s and mine, so that’ll continue into the forseeable future (and hey, now might be a good time to visit our sponsors). I’ve got a few unannounced projects that’ll be revealed soon, so I’ll obviously be talking about them here, on Twitter and on Tumblr, and I’ve got that semi-regular gig writing jokes about ’90s technology in movies at Wired, but I still don’t know where I’ll land permanently, if anywhere. I’ve seen  a lot of people mention that I could just keep on writing here, but that’s not really that workable considering that writing here doesn’t make a whole lot of money. A very, very kind reader did throw a donation my way to keep the ISB up and running, though, so there’s that. But, you know, hopefully it’ll all work out.

For now, I’m still just kind of shocked about CA getting axed, so forgive me if this got a little rambly. We’ll see what happens!

War Rocket Ajax #156: That Means I Win with Justin Aclin

(WARNING: Contains NSFW language)

You can also stream the show using the player above, or download it in MP3 format from WarRocketAjax.com.

Notes:

Follow Justin Aclin on Twitter!

Read all about the Mandalorian Crushgaunt. Please note that this will take up all of your day and that while you can do it in secret, we will all be able to tell what you did.

In DOA 5, Zack goes full-on minstrel:

Obviously, we’ll have some pretty big news to discuss on next week’s show. Hoo boy, will we ever.

Chris’s Rec: Mass Effect 3‘s Citadel DLC.

Matt’s Rec: The Mel Brooks episode of Marc Maron’s WTF podcast.

Comics Reviewed: Batman Incorporated #10, Jupiter’s Legacy #1, and G.I. Joe #3.

The guy who looks like Conway Twitty and sounds like Early Cuyler is here with his angry, shouting grandson. #WaffleHouse.

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

They are arguing very loudly about ham. #WaffleHouse — Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

“How about you get back in the truck and we go home and I give you a can of Vienna sausages and a fork?!” #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

Then he yelled over here to see if he could have the comics when I was done with them. #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

Now he’s reading Peanuts aloud. #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

“[obnoxious laugh] read Garfield! Never make a cat mad!” #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

Waitress just told him they’re out of sausage gravy. He threw the paper down and yelled “CAN’T YOU JUST MAKE MORE?!?!” #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

PS: I got the last of the gravy. #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

“Is Dennis [the Menace] trying to be mean?” “I don’t know. Are you?” #WaffleHouse #SickGrandpaBurn

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

I wish I could describe what just happened but the important thing is that Grandpa is actually DAD. #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

Okay, so: Dad got up to storm out because kid wouldn’t decide what he wanted and kept yelling at the waitress. #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

Then kid stood up and pithed a fit with lots of “DAAAAD WHYYYYYY” and dad said he could “eat Armour all day.” #WaffleHouse #BrandNames

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

Kid then begged not to go and THREW himself dramatically back in the booth and laid on the table while Dad ordered. #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

“You’re not happy with anything in your life are you?” “DAD IM SUPPOSED TO GET TWO PIECES OF TOAST” #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

Literally ordering more food so I can see how this plays out. Dad just told kid he was tired of kid “eating like an animal.” #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

“Do you want me to take this belt off? I got no qualms about putting you on that counter and wearing your butt out.” #WaffleHouse #NOQUALMS

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

“Do you want to check in on grandma?” “I could care less about grandma.” #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

“No I’m not gonna paint your room! You created that filth, you can live in it.” #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

“It was an accident!” “Poking holes in the wall with a sword wasn’t no accident!” I SWEAR TO GO THIS WAS JUST SAID. #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

Kid chopped up the stairs with a hatchet at the age of three apparently. #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

“One way or another you’ll be wearing a uniform when you turn 18. A prison uniform or an army uniform, your choice.” #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

Kid went out to the parking lot. “Dad did you pick up the stick that was out here?” “I broke it and threw it over the fence.” #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

“DAD!!! THAT WAS THE LONGEST STICK I FOUND ALL YEAR!!!!” #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

“I’m gonna go smoke a cigarette.” “Yeah well I’ll be FINDING ANOTHER STICK!!!” #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

Not gonna lie, I lost my shit at that last one. The Stick Saga paid off. #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

One more thing from earlier: During the discussion of painting the kid’s room, Dad was listing all the things he’d destroyed. #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

Curtains (torn up), bedposts (hacked up with a knife or something), etc. #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

“And then I gotta patch up all the holes in the floor you peed into when you was too lazy to get up from your video games.” #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013

“DAD! THAT IS *PRIVATE*!!!” #WaffleHouse

— Chris Sims (@theisb) January 27, 2013