The Tarot Experience: Live!

As I mentioned last night, I thought it might be a good idea to liveblog the latest issue of the inimitable Tarot, Witch of the Black Rose on Twitter as I read it, mostly because I love to find new and exciting ways to put off writing my posts.

In any case, people seemed to like it, so for those of you who missed out last night, I thought I’d go ahead and post an expanded version of it here. So please, join me tonight for Tarot #56: The Liveblogging Experience:

 

Page 0: Okay, here we go with TAROT #56. I got the cover where she wasn’t shyly covering her rack, ’cause it’s more empowering that way.

 

Page 1: Tarot wakes up and immediately starts masturbating. Meanwhile, a spider with a skull on it alights onto her breast. Seriously.

 

Page 2: Well, that’s a handy recap, for those of you who were finding the plot of Tarot to be a little too confusing.

 

Page 3: Behold! PLANET SLAYER!

 

 

Man, this comic is not very well lettered. (Sorry, Holly)

 

Page 4: Tarot talks about how she hopes the sun (you know, the one in the sky?) likes seeing her naked.

 

Page 5: That is one close-up shot of a vagina you’ve drawn there, Jimbo.

 

Page 6: “Though the world may ridicule women for the the size of our breasts, I will remember it is only a reflection of their immaturity and lack of education.” Touché, Tarot. Touché.

 

Page 8: Tarot has been taking a bath for five pages.

Five.

Pages.

 

Page 10: “I guess that fairy doesn’t know the reputation Pooka has with chasing them. She’s messing with the wrong goblin cat.” Or, to put it another way…

 

 

Page 11: I’m not sure that one plays a pan-flute by just shoving one entire end in one’s mouth, but then again, it ain’t my comic.

Page 13: And thus, Tarot is bewitched by Pan to perform a striptease against her will. Remember that time that PREVIEWS said this was the most female-empowering book on the stands? Good times.

 

Page 14: That’s a hell of a description of an erection you’ve written there, Jimbo.

 

 

Page 16: Oh no wait, here’s the empowering part: “BACK OFF OR I WILL FRY YOUR HIDE!” “AHHHH, IT STINGS!” “GOOD! IT’S SUPPOSED TO!” And yes, that is actual, award-winning dialogue from what these guys have determined is the best independent comic book of 2008.

 

Page 18: And it is at this point that this issue of Tarot has officially become The Legend of Zelda With Tits.

 

Page 22: Gasp! Tarot’s cat has been stabbed by fairies! WITH POISON! This is the cliffhanger.

 

Page 23: And here’s a two-page article on “Tonya’s Kayos Magick,” with a bunch of pictures of a naked girl that I assume is Tonya. Oh hey, it’s about Sigil Working! You too can increase sales on The Invisibles with these handy steps!

And mercifully, that was the end.

The One-Sentence Week In Ink: May 28, 2009

Make ‘em say UNF!

 

 

Na-na na-na!

That’s right, folks, it’s Thursday night (more or less) and that means that it’s time for another round of the Internet’s Most Punctual COmics Reviews! Although as you may be aware, the Memorial Day holiday caused comics to be shipped a day late this week–unless of course you live in the godless heathen lands of Canada–so in order to give me time to actually read the stuff I’m reviewing, I’m dragging the One-Sentence Reviews (or two, if you count the alt text) back out of retirement for a special engagement!

Here’s what I got this week…

 

 

…and here, in brief, is what I thought about ‘em!

 


 

Amazing Spider-Man #595: It might just be a reflection of my recent, unabashed enjoyment of I Kill Giants, but I found Joe Kelly’s return to Spider-Man to be far more enjoyable than his last work with the character, to which my reaction was, and I quote, “it got me to give Kelly another shot, but that’s not a mistake I plan on making again.”

 

Batman: The Brave and the Bold #5: I’ve mentioned the steady improvement of the Brave and the Bold tie-in before–and this issue continues that trend with a script from the always-enjoyable J. Torres that involves flying monkeys and a big red Captain Marvel Dragon–but the real story here is on the letters page, where a kid writes in requesting to see Batman team up with the Blackhawks, and thus proves that the current generation of comics-reading youngsters might just be all right.

 

Godland #28: Reviewing Godland is pretty much an exercise in futility, as it all boils down to how much you like Casey and Scioli’s faux-Kirby cosmic tripouts (in my case, quite a bit), but I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that on a purely costume-related basis…

 

 

…this guy right here is the most awesome dude in the universe.

 

Incredible Hercules #129: Jack of Hearts completists–of which I know at least one–will want to take note, as the Cosmic Avenger and Part-Time Poet makes a cameo appearance in this, America’s Finest Source of Sound Effects Since 2008.

 

Spider-Man: The Short Halloween: Uh, hey, Marvel, look, this one’s perfectly enjoyable, and I don’t want to embarrass you guys or nothin’, but did you know you put out your Halloween-themed one-shot by two guys from SNL and the the great Kevin Maguire a full five months before Halloween?

 

ISB BEST OF THE WEEK

 

 

Tales Designed to Thrizzle #5: Just when you thought my reasonably arbitrary ranking system couldn’t get any more farcical, I’m going to go ahead and throw the top honors this week to Thrizzle without even reading it, because…

a) Michael Kupperman is hands-down one of the funniest guys in comics,

b) It gives me a nice excuse to link to Adult Swim’s Snake ‘n’ Bacon, the show based on Kupperman’s comics that features Flight of the Conchords’ Kristen Schaal and NPR’s David Rakoff, and

c) The only reason I haven’t read it already is because it’s the one comic this week that I wanted to take some time to enjoy,

…and yes, that all still counts as one sentence and you can suck it.

 

Wolverine #72: As much as this comic represents a complete and utter clusterfuck–what with #73 shipping out of order for some ill-defined reason and the fact that “Old Man Logan” doesn’t even finish here, instead going on to a special in the vague, far-off future–I’ve got to admit that Mark Millar’s loud, predictable, amazingly stupid lift of all the Marvel dystopian futures just charms the hell out of me every time I read it.

 

Eternal Smile: Again, this is one that I haven’t had the time to read yet, but since it’s the latest book from Gene Yang, whose Eiser and Printz Award-Winning American Born Chinese was hands-down one of the best comics I’ve ever read, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that it’s probably worth checking out.

 


 

And that’s the week! As always, if there’s anything you desperately want me to elaborate on, or if you just want to talk about how Kyle Baker’s Special Forces is the loudest, smartest, funniest, most horrifying, all-around best war comic in years (which I pretty much covered when the series was coming out anyway), feel free to leave a comment.

But try to keep it to one sentence, folks; we’re workin’ on a theme here.

Monster Plus Goes Live Next Week!

Face Front, Action Agents!

 

 

Click on through to the Action Age today for the official propaganda for next week’s release of Monster Plus #1, by Chad Bowers, Nathan Kroll and Andrew Kjelstrup!

I wrote the press release–which you can tell because my partner has never once referred to himself as “Rad” Chad Bowers in public–but alongside it is a pin-up by Chris Nye, who worked with Chad on Impossible and one of the pin-ups for Danger Ace #0, so check it out, and be here next week when we introduce a hero that’ll blow your mind, and a villain that’s even better!

Not Superman, but an Incredible Future Simulation!

You can say a lot of things about DC in the Silver Age, but you can’t accuse them of being stingy with the Superman.

Not just because Superman himself was starring monthly in two comics of his own, plus World’s Finest, Justice League, Superboy, Adventure Comics, and eventually DC Comics Presents, but because there were even different versions of the guy running around. Even putting aside the -girl, -horse, -monkey and -cat, you had the standard model, Superboy, the alternate future Superman Jr., Supermen Red and Blue, and Superbaby, who was presumably targeted at whatever degenerates were out there demanding more stories centering on poor grammar.

Which brings us to yet another Super-Doppelgänger:

 

 

Yes, The Superman of 2965, whose story can be found in the recent Superman: Past and Future, which also includes the absolutely essential stories of Lois Lane’s romance with Superman’s dad and that one time that Jimmy Olsen met Hitler. And really, after those, this guy doesn’t seem all that odd, but he raises his fair share of questions.

First and foremost: Why? Klar Ken T5477 (because, see, it’s the future!) was created by two of the greats, Edmond Hamilton and Curt Swan, for what appears to be no reason whatsoever. I mean, it’s not like there weren’t already a ton of stories about Superman rolling around the 30th Century or anything. And beyond that, there’s just no point. Seriously, 2965 here has no differences from his 1965 counterpart: Same powers, same costume, same haircut, heck, he even has the same job, working for the Daily Interplanetary News Service with future analogs for Lois, Jimmy and even Perry White.

Although to be fair, Perry is now an awesome robot:

 

 

Of course, the PW-5598 would fall out of favor by the 2970s, when it would be largely replaced with the J. Jonah Jametron.

There are a couple of differences, though. Superman-2965′s Fortress of Solitude is an invisible satellite first located in space, then later in the heart of the sun–an idea that Grant Morrison swiped for DC One Million–and… well, that’s pretty much it.

Except that he’s also completely immune to Kryptonite:

 

 

Instead, the Superman of the Future has developed a another weakness:

 

 

Seawater.

 

 

Yes, that’s right:

 

 

Seawater.

So, to review: We have been given a far-future Superman who is exactly like regular Superman–to the point where he teams up with far-future Batman to fight far-future Joker who has exploding water while protecting his secret identity from far-future Jimmy Olsen–except that he can be killed by a substance that covers three quarters of the planet.