Monthly Archives: March 2011

Nuclear Pianos and Rubber Ears: The 1990 Captain America Movie

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As you may have heard, there’s a Captain America movie coming out later this year, and in what might be the most inexplicable promotional move ever, Disney is planning to hype that up by releasing a director’s cut of Cap’s last cinematic effort, a 1990 film starring Matt Salinger that was shelved for two years before being released to VHS.

You can probably see where this is going.

Yes, that’s right: Once again it has fallen to me to review a piece of cinema obsucra, and in the grand tradition of Marmaduke and Jonah Hex, I take on Captain America for ComicsAlliance, running down 96 minutes of nonsense for your reading pleasure.

Ten “Sexy” Costumes That Really Aren’t

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Today at ComicsAlliance, I’m striking a blow against the patriarchy by writing up a list of Ten “Sexy” Super-Heroine Costumes That Really Aren’t. It was actually a little harder to compile than it sounds, because there really is a difference between bad costumes and bad art, as well as between costumes that are supposed to be sexy and costumes that are just lousy.

I know, I know. My life is soooooooo hard.

LISTEN TO THE SOUND OF MY VOICE!

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Holy buckets, y’all! I’m on all kinds of podcasts this week! If by “all kinds,” you mean “two.”

First up, of course, it’s an all-new episode of War Rocket Ajax! This week, Matt and I sit down with one of Ajax’s favorite people, the amazing Colleen Coover! Colleen returns, as she always must when a new BioWare game is released, to talk about Dragon Age 2, her favorite and least favorite colors, and our thoughts on Taco Bell.

Plus, Matt and I chat with each other about comics, Lex Luthor’s pastry theft is discussed once again, and I just keep talking about Pokemon.

 

 

Next up, I was a last-minute fill-in guest on this week’s Awesomed By Comics! I handed out awards to Marcos Martin and Knight & Squire, ran my mouth about how I don’t like Wonder Woman (but, like everyone else, I totally have a Wonder Woman pitch), and defend the honor of Batman against the railing of my two favorite philistines. Also, more Pokemon talk.

I will never be invited back, so enjoy it while it lasts.

7 More Super Dictionary Entries That Need To Be In Comics

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Since you’re reading this on the Internet, I’m going to go ahead and assume that you’re aware that Chris Roberson recently stuck a reference to the famous “Forty Cakes” panel from The Super Dictionary into the pages of Superman. This is, of course, awesome, but more than that, it opens the door for even more bits and pieces from what might just be the weirdest comics publication of all time to make it into mainstream super-hero stories. So today, I’ve written up 7 more Super Dictionary Entries that should be in comics.

And yes, I am available to write El Dragon.

Chris vs. Pokemon: Addendum

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Last week, I wrote up a post at ComicsAlliance where I went through the in-game descriptions of everyone’s favorite collectible monsters to identify the Ten Most Disturbing Pokedex Entries in Pokemon. I think it’s a pretty solid list, but today, I found something I’d overlooked while I was playing through Black.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Vullaby:

 

 

My first thought on seeing this thing was “Oh, It’s a little baby bird that still has a piece of its egg. It’s like someone mashed up Togepi and Beaky Buzzard from the Foghorn Leghorn cartoons. Cute.” And then I read its Pokedex description:

Species: Diaper Pokemon. Its wings are too tiny to allow it to fly. As the time approaches for it to evolve, it discards the bones it was wearing.

“Wait, bones? What do you mean bones–”

And then I looked a little closer at what I’d thought was an eggshell.

 

 

VULLABY IS USING A HUMAN SKULL AS A DIAPER. Who the hell designed this thing, G.G. Allin?!

And it gets stranger. Lest you think that Vullaby and Mandibuzz are out there murdering the citizens of Unova in order to diaper their offspring, the Pokedex for White points out that they use bones that they find. And this opens the door for some questions that I don’t think Nintendo was really prepared to ask. Specifically, where are they finding so many human skulls?! Are there so many mass graves in the world of Pokemon that an entire species of animal has evolved with a biological imperative to take a dump on the bones of man?