Chris vs. Pokémon, Volume One

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#126: Magmar

 

Oh now what is this bullshit?

According to Bulbapedia, Magmar here has characteristics of both a salamander–the one from the Monster Manual, not the one from science class–and a duck, and that is just fantastic. Big ups to whatever mad elder god responsible for this world of junior-league cockfights decided it would be a good idea to combine an elemental fire lizard with nature’s least threatening creature. Great job.

I mean, look at this guy, it’s like he was assembled from spare parts, capped off with the forehead of Exeter from This Island Earth. It’s like Charmeleon mated with a Koopa Troopa’s hillbilly cousin and the kid was raised on moonshine.

You’re a biter, Magmar. A fake-ass, buster-ass biter.

 

RATING:

 

#288: Vigoroth

 

Vigoroth was a sadistic tyrant of Carpathia, a kingdom located in the Carpathian Mountains in central Romania. Self-described as the “Scourge of Carpathia” and “the Sorrow of Moldavia,” he was also known as “Vigoroth the Cruel, Vigoroth the Torturer, Vigoroth the Despised, and Vigoroth the Unholy.” His quote, “On a mountain of skulls in a castle of pain, I sat on a throne of blood,” sums up his ruling style and the probable reasons why he was not well-loved by his subjects. An apparent expert in sorcery and black magic Vigoroth enjoyed an unnaturally long life which came to a very unnatural end when he was poisoned, stabbed, shot, hanged, stretched, disemboweled, drawn and quartered by his own people. As the story goes, as his severed head lay dying, it prophesized that “death is but a doorway; time is but a window – I’ll be back.”

No, wait… sorry, that was Vigo the Carpathian. Vigoroth here is actually some kind of albino monkey, with claws, I guess? And that’s kind of cool, but it’d probably be a lot cooler if he fought Bill Murray.

 

RATING:

 

#279: Pelipper

 

GAH!

Jeez! That thing looks like one of those drawings where you look at it one way and it’s an old crone, but then you look at it another way and it’s a hideous giant-mouthed bird monster. And yet, as disturbing as it is–what with its dead, glassy eyes and the fact that its mouth extends all the way around to its… tailfeathers–it’s not actually intimidating, is it? I mean, these things are supposed to fight each other, right? Pelipper doesn’t look like he’s capable of movement, let alone combat. What’s it gonna do, creep you out so bad that it gets the forfeit? It’s not that weird, all things considered.

Unless… oh man. This thing can talk, can’t it? I bet it sounds like Kuato.

 

RATING:

 

#62: Poliwrath

 

Now this is more like it. Poliwrath rules.

First off, his name: It means many angers. That alone puts him ahead. Then, just look at the guy. He is not here to mess around. He looks like a bouncer at an alien strip club who will hypnotize you with his body-spiral and then punch you in the face. He’s the Hypno-Hustler of the Pokemon world.

And he wears gloves. Why? Because he’s classy.

 

RATING:

38 thoughts on “Chris vs. Pokémon, Volume One”

  1. Under the assumption Poliwrath wears gloves, he also wears a hypno-swirl shirt thing, which doesn’t actually go over the arms and is more simply plugged into the centre of it’s body.

    Pr at some point it was wearing a shirt and busted out of the arms and neck of it Hulk style, and is now simply absorbing it into it’s body.

  2. The only REAL Pokemon are 1-151.

    Death to the false prophet, there i only one true prophet and his name is Snorlax!

  4. Magmar is a cross between a salamander, a duck, and JOHN TRAVOLTA, judging by his/its pose and demeanor. Clearly Stayin’ Alive is the only appropriate soundtrack for viewing and venerating Maymar’s image.

  6. Poliwrath is awesome on so many levels.

    He represents the forgotten school of video games, sporting the Dreamcast logo on his chest, and all.

  7. So Magmar gets 1/5 for being half duck, but is beaten by Pelipper, a deformed pelican? I call shenanigans.

  8. I can’t wait until you get to Lickitung? Ya know, the one that should’ve been named: Cunillingasaur.

  10. Poliwrath reeks of laziness. “What’s the evolved form of Poliwhirl? Something a little bigger, with the swirl going in the opposite direction!” That got rectified with Politoad, which at least looks different.

    Vigoroth is supposed to be a sloth . . . a vigorous sloth. Because Japan, that’s why. Notice how its evolved form — Slaking — is lying down, seemingly ready to pick its nose.

    If you’re taking requests, Chris, I’d like to know your thoughts on Lotad/Lombre/Ludicolo.

  12. Poliwrath is pretty dope (his name also reminds me of an angry pollywog), but I think you’re being too kind to Vigoroth. He’d be an okay Digimon, or Yu-gi-oh or something equally low-rent, where looking tough is all that counts, but I don’t see any of the dopey, Sesame Street cuteness that I look for in a Pokemon.

    Re: Pelliper – I once saw a Youtube clip where a pelican ate a ptarmigan or a pigeon or some kind of bird. It horrified me to this day.

  15. I’ve had a rough week, Chris, but I never imagined it would come to you and me talking about a flaming duck with an ass on its head.

    Which is probably why I haven’t been able to sleep tonight. Thanks, buddy.

  16. At least Magmar evolves into Magmortar, though. Pelipper? As far as that evolutionary line goes, he’s as good as it gets.
    But seriously, don’t look at Magby. It’s just horrid.

  18. So, Chris, you’re going to cover either Blaziken or Monferno, right?

    Because as a kung fu chicken and karate monkey respectively, they were pretty much tailor made for you.

  19. Definitely something I could get used to seeing… although I do think an angry duck could totally fuck up anyone’s shit.

  21. I was hoping you’d linked MST3K:The Movie and not the actual film, This Island Earth. And that hope was fulfilled. Yes we can.

  22. And I don’t know why, but my favorite pokemon is Drowzee

    he rules, and subconsciously, everyone knows it

  26. I liked Charizard because even though he wasn’t a Dragon type he was like “Fuck it, Imma be a dragon anyway.” Also he knew he was too cool for Ash. Ash was a dweeb.

    But the Pokemon I think Chris should review is Doduo, because who the hell uses a Doduo?

  28. I always loved Magmar for his bizarre appearance, c-list status, and that one episode of Pokémon where he fought Charizard atop a volcano.

  29. When inevitably asked to give a concise summation of the whole Pokemon..er..deal, can I make use of the phrase ‘junior-league cockfight’?

  31. I try to ignore Pokemon’s existence whenever possible, but Poliwrath is making that kind of hard right now. He is pretty damn awesome.

  32. It’s Poliwrath way or the highway.
    (I’m only human, okay? I’m bound to make a Road House reference when the word “bouncer” appears.)

  34. I remember hearing that Poliwrath and Poliwhirl originally had a Manji on their chest instead of a spiral, but since most westerners can’t tell the difference between a Manji and a Nazi Swastika (they turn in different directions), 4Kids opted to photoshop the Poli-pokemon with a spiral instead. I wish I could find sources on this, though.

  35. Chris,

    You’re off man.. Pelipper is scary. Look at that mouth. It continues all the way to the very furthest point of it’s back. Pelipper must POO IN IT’S OWN MOUTH! Makes that bite a lot scarier to think about, doesn’t it?

  36. That sounds kinda unlikely, Isaac. Even in the Poli’s original concept art they have the swirl on them, and that was drawn before there was even the decision made to localise Pokémon.

  38. all of the Pokemon are make up of human mind. and they are based on real animals. a human can’t create anything. even you can’t create in your dreams. we can only copy, inspire and find.