The Clutches of Doctor Doom!

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One of the side effects of working in a comic book store for as long as I have is that when it’s time to hit up the cheap books at a convention, there’s not a whole lot that I’m looking for anymore. Unlike previous years, where I’ve gone up looking to fill out runs of Legion of Super-Heroes or Power Man and Iron Fist, there aren’t too many holes in my collection that need to be patched, and so I ended up coming out of HeroesCon with a mere two comics.

And they were both issues of Life With Archie.

I’ve mentioned Life With Archie and my affection for it before–as recently as yesterday, in fact–but for those of you just joining us, I’ll explain. Life With Archie and its companion series, Archie at Riverdale High, abandoned the alleged humor of the main series in favor of having the title character deal with serious issues like racism, bears, and the occasional “Aura of Satan” that crop up in Riverdale on a monthly basis.

Of course, this being Archie, the word “serious” might be a little strong. Half the stories essentially function like Very Special Episodes of Saved by the Bell, with time-honored plot hooks like someone being framed for thievery, but the other half are just bizarre.

Case in point: Life With Archie #190, featuring Archie’s showdown with Doctor Doom.

 

 

Of course, the Dr. Doom in question is not Victor Von (or Viktor Vaughn), or even the Mad Doctor Doom, who appeared in the pages of Little Archie a year after the first appearance of the Marvel character, which means that there are at least two Doctors Doom in Riverdale, which is actually pretty awesome.

There’s probably like six J. Jonah Jamesons.

No, this is Doctor Cyrus P. Doom, but rest assured: Just like the other two, he is up to no good.

 

 

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The whole thing starts with… well, it actually starts exactly like the opening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but without the wedding at the beginning and the really annoying people insisting that you watch it: Archie and Betty get stuck in the mud outside of a sinister-looking mansion and attempt to take refuge within when they’re greeted by one of the occupants:

 

 

Playing the part of Riff Raff this evening is young Jason Doom, who initially tries to give our heroic young couple the brush-off, but is stymied when his Uncle Cyrus shows up and invites the kids in, which is a pretty generous move for a guy named Doctor Doom.

Then again, perhaps he has an… ulterior motive.

 

 

That’s right, Betty. You haven’t been made cozy until a guy who looks like a wayward clone of Benjamin Franklin has made you cozy.

Before he can put his sexy, sexy master plan into motion, however, Betty stumbles on a secret passage and, being the nosy young snoop that she is, wanders down into the de rigueur secret laboratory below the mansion:

 

 

How exactly she manages to get into Doctor C.P. Doom’s bell jar remains unrevealed, but we’ll have to put that aside for the moment, because this is about where things start to get weird.

Why? Because it is at this point that we find out that Dr. Doom has discovered the secret of immortality. And, purely by coincidence, that he might not be the most stable guy in the world.

 

 

Yes, it turns out that the kindly Dr. Doom is–surprise!–a raving, murderous lunatic, but while he’s perfectly willing to kill Archie and Betty to keep the secret of eternal life, the real threat turns out to be Jason, who is not only egging his loopy uncle on, but taking advantage of his scientific knowhow for his own sinister goals:

 

 

Okay, look: Criticizing the plot of an issue of Life With Archie is sort of like checking the nutrition facts on a Big Mac in that it’s pointless and you knew what you were getting into anyway, but really? Counterfeit Perfume?

I mean, is that really that lucrative? And even if it is, does it really warrant Betty’s “That’s Evil!”? Yeah, it’s pretty shady, but I don’t think a bottle of bootleg CK One quite counts as evil, even in Riverdale.

My theory is that Jason only became a perfume counterfeiter (or “scentlegger” as they’re called in the trade) after the Comics Code Authority had a look, and that in the original script, Jason was totally running a meth lab.

Anyway, Archie isn’t about to let some tweaker hassle his girl, so, true to form, he goes apeshit…

 

 

…and smashes up enough stuff that everything works out okay. Thus, Betty is freed, Jason is jailed, and Dr. Doom is sent to a mental institution, which… is kind of a crappy ending for him, but he seems happy so whatever.

Plus, we all learn an invaluable lesson, and that is this: In Archie Comics, “perfume” is a code-word for “crystal meth.”

And that’s real.

26 thoughts on “The Clutches of Doctor Doom!”

  1. Well, more money spent on comics would mean less money for things like Science Ninja Hero Batman, right? Maybe it’s all for the best.

  2. It gets even more complicated when you factor in that VICTOR Von Doom might well exist in the Archieverse.

    You have to take the approach Morrison took with Batman and assume that every Archie story has happened.

    Now Archie Meets the Punisher never outright SAYS that Doom exists, but enough other Marvel characters make cameo appearances and are mentioned that we can almost certainly assume that DOOM does as well.

    Now this is extra interesting, because at the end of AMtP, Frank goes off to GOTHAM F’N CITY.

    So there is a world in the Multiverse where Archie, Marvel, and DC characters all exist.

    Now. Given all that, I refer you to JUGHEAD’S TIME POLICE, wherein the heel was Morgan Le Fay, who was hinted at being an ancestor of Reggie Mantle.

    Who was it again that used to be a time traveling lover of Morgan Le Fay?

    VICTOR VON GODDAMN DOOM. I will leave it to someone else to connect all the dots, but this means something.

    It means that I need to go outside more.

  3. What the hell is going on?

    And why does Doctor Doom look so less evil as soon as you open the cover?

    And…what the hell is counterfeit perfume? How does that even make sense?

  4. I loved Jughead’s Time Police.

    Also, remember that all the Impact (or !mpact, to be more precise) characters existed in the Archiverse. I remember an issue where they all dressed up as their favourite characters to keep control of the copyrights for a costume party. I think Archie was The Web.

  5. SO when Archie buys “perfume” for Veronica at Christmas… he’s just feeding her horrible addictions?

    I mean, I know she wants to live like “common people” but that seems kind of extreme.

  6. When this page first came up, I thought it read “The Churches of Doctor Doom.” That would have been awesome too.

  8. I applaud your adherence to the Chicago Manual of Style guidelines for pluralization of compound nouns – “Doctors Doom” and not “Doctor Dooms.”

  9. Is Betty working for the perfume lobby or something? She sounds like that guy from Metallica complaining about music downloading.

  10. I wonder if somewhere there is a guy with the surname “Doom” who’s actually really nice and every day has to convince people that the candy he makes isn’t poison or that he really just finds good homes for all those puppies he rescues.

  12. “Curse you, Archie! Because of this horrible perfume-based accident, my face is forever scarred! I shall get my revenge on you, Archie, even if it takes the rest of my days and all of my nacho chips! CURSE YOU, ARRRRRCHIE!”

  13. Whatever happened to the first Mad Doctor Doom and his assistant, Chester?

    That question keeps me up at night.

  14. “Is Betty working for the perfume lobby or something? She sounds like that guy from Metallica complaining about music downloading.”

    Okay, admit she’s a little judgemental there, but I just can’t envision her sounding like Lars. Like Minxy Flatbush, sure. Lars, no. Just no.

    And counterfeit perfume is apparently a global problem:

    http://www.arabnews.com/?page=1&section=0&article=96732&d=28&m=5&y=2007&pix=kingdom.jpg&category=Kingdom

    http://www.choice.com.au/viewArticleAsOnePage.aspx?id=106066

    http://www.perfumeandfashion.com/protect-against-fake-counterfeit-perfume/

    One can only assume that Jason Doom has escaped jail and resumed his nefarious ways.

  15. Hmmm. One could postulate the existence of an Ultimates version of Jason Doom, who would undoubtedly have developed mustelid-related scent powers in the same accident that gave Ultimates Archie, Reggie, Jughead, and Betty their bizarre abilities. Of course, he wasn’t around long, his career having been abrubtly terminated when his throat was torn out in a confrontation with Ultimates Squirrel Girl. His last words:

    “Confound these wretched rodents! For every one I fling away, a dozen more vex me!”

    Jason Doom. Vexed to death.

  16. Man, with all that perfume going in and out of Riverdale, its no wonder Betty’s seeing bears. “High adventure” indeed.

  17. I was really proud of myself for guessing that your Ben Franklin clone link was going to be to Dr. McNinja when I saw it. Then I realized that there aren’t that many stories that feature a clone of Ben Franklin as supporting characters. Unless I’m completely ignorant on a subgenre there.

    Also, I need to find a way to work scentlegger in to conversation. That and sex tape broker are my two new favorite seedy professions.

  18. Betty doesn’t fight the friggin’ bear? Can I at least pretend that it’s her growling on the cover?

  19. So are there enough evil Ben Franklins floating around comic-dom now to count as their own sub-genre bow? I prefer the one in Scud: The Disposable Assassin but remain open minded and willing to consider others.

  20. And…what the hell is counterfeit perfume? How does that even make sense?
    Blake, counterfeit perfume is what you get when some person of low character boils up a bunch of dubious crap, slaps on a label saying it’s Chanel No. 5, and sells it as such. Perfume companies, strangely, take a dim view of this.

  21. Can someone get Max Power a grant so he can write a series of books about a shared Marvel/DC/Archie-verse, Wold Newton style? Can’t believe I forgot to ask that.

  22. In the 1970s sitcoms, whenever they wanted to have a “very special episode”, they had a main character getting addicted to diet pills, nothing ever stronger. So maybe that’s where the perfume angle comes in.

    Or maybe in the Archie Universe, selling fake perfume is about as bad as it gets.

    And I swear to Zeus and Hera when I first looked at the panel of Archie smashing up the lab with that lead pipe (I am assuming it is lead, okay), that one of the sound words was SHATNER and not SHATTER.

    Does this mean I am doomed now?

  23. And has anyone tried injecting liquid foam rubber and pulverized nacho cheese chips to see if one can indeed become immortal?

    I’m just sayin’.

    And I never thought jumpers would look so hot.

  24. Also: since DC is planning to integrate the Archie capes into their universe, that only opens the door for more insanity.

    Imagine if Dilton met Will Magnus. Or Sabrina had to battle it out with Alexandra Cabot over who is worthy to wear the Helmet of Fate.

    Jughead meets Matter Eater Lad!

  25. I’ve gotta say, a wayward clone of Benjamin Franklin becoming a demented inventor makes a surprising amount of sense to me. In that purple suit, though, I see a little Joker mixed in… wait, didn’t Joker use fake perfume to poison people with smiles in the old Tim Burton movie? Neat. There’s really a lot going on here. Perhaps there may be more to DC/Marvel/Archie history than we thought.