Chris vs. Previews: November 2007, Round Two

With the major publishers out of the way, the ISB focuses its laser-like beam of critical acumen/luchadore jokes on the latter half of this month’s Previews, and this time, there’s going to be a crucial piece missing.

Yes, as hard as it might be to believe, there’s really nothing worth mentioning in this month’s Apparel section, which only gives credence to my theory that there’s nothing out there that could top the pure joy of the T-Shirt Model All-Stars.

I mean… there is this:

 

 

But I think it says a lot more about the Previews apparel section than the shirt itself that something that blindingly garish is nothing to write home about.

But take heart! Even without the t-shirts and laser-cut logo bracelets, there’s still a ton of stuff waiting for me to take a potshot at it in another “exciting” installment of Chris vs. Previews!

 


 

Comics

 

P. 221 – Lady Death vs. Pandora #1 – Fetish Edition: Look, I hate to start things off so negatively (NOTE: That is a lie) and far be it from me to criticize the shining pillar of sequential art that is Brian Pulido, but I’ve got to call shenanigans on this one. I mean really: It says right here that “the super-minxes look hotter than ever” on this cover, but according to Comic Cavalcade’s “Quite a Pair” edition (P. 236), “Lady Death doesn’t get any hotter!” Which is it, folks?

And then there’s the larger issue, which is this: Is it really such a big deal that this is a “Fetish Edition?” Because I’m pretty sure that EVERY issue of Lady Death is catering to somebody’s fetish. Like, say, this one, where she’s apparently cramming a freshwater trout up her ass:

 

 

And with that, I mark off yet another entry from the Grand Checklist of Phrases I Never Thought I’d Type.

 

P. 232 – Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose #48: You know, given my recent difficulties with everyone’s favorite overendowed sorceress, it’d be pretty easy to just write the book off entirely at this point. But really, when you compare it to the above, a story where Raven Hex literally stabs her sister’s childhood traumas to death with a knife inscribed with an Aleister Crowley quote seems almost charming.

Almost.

 

P. 238 – SuperPowers #1: Okay, back on track here: I’ve done my fair share of harping on about Alex Ross this month, but come on:

 

 

Is it really fair to have a cover promising to “introduce” a couple of characters that Alan Moore did a couple of stories about three years ago, let alone ones that are sixty years old? Really?

 

P. 256 – Voltron: Defender of the Universe Omnibus: Devil’s Due describes this book as “the perfect gift for any fan of Voltron.” Also the perfect gift for any fan of Voltron? Taste.

I mean really: The GZA doesn’t even show up in this, and as we all know, when you form like Voltron, the GZA’s the head!

 

P. 265 – I’ll Be Your Slave: It’s been a while since I’ve drawn your attention to the wispy romances of DMP–mostly because not even Body Language‘s “Less Talk! More Sex!” can top “Friends… with BENEFITS?!” as the single greatest yaoi tagline of all–but this one caught my eye:

Moriya is in charge of finding a model for a new product commercial for a big jewelry brand; but, nobody matches the ideal for perfectoin he has in mind… That is, until he meets Itsuki Ouno.

Correct me if I’m wrong here, but isn’t that just a slightly gayer version of Zoolander? Derelicte my balls indeed.

 

P. 284 – Speed Racer #1: I’ve read enough licensed comics from IDW to realize that they tend not to work out so well–which is what’s keeping me away from their new Doctor Who series for now–but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to you guys that a story where you find out one of Speed’s ancestors used to roll around the Colosseum of Ancient Rome in a souped-up chariot is at least a little appealing.

Then again, I’ve got a full set of Tommy Yune’s Speed Racer mini-series (and Racer X, too) kicking around the collection somewhere, so my opinion on this should be considered dubious at best.

 

P. 295 – Applicant: I don’t normally do this, but I’m going to go ahead and let the solicitation speak for itself on this one:

“One night while rooting through the recycling bin for magazines, I found all the confidential Ph.D. applicant files for the biology department at an Ivy League university from the years 1965-1975. Stapled to many of the yellowed documents were photographs of the prospective students. I tore through the folders and rescued every portrait I could find. Only later did I realize I had to publish them.”

Friends, it’s been a long while since I’ve seen anything that approached the raw comedic potential of what we’ve got here. I don’t even know what exactly’s included in this, but even if it’s just forty-eight pages of headshots of nerds from the early ’70s, the four dollar price of admission is a bargain.

 

P. 324 – Spiral Bound: When I originally saw the ad for Top Shelf’s “Kid’s Month,” I thought it was promoting a second volume of Aaron Renier’s Spiral Bound, and that thought got me pretty excited. Unfortunately, there’s still no sequel, but it does provide an easy way for anyone who’s never read it to jump on, and I highly recommend you do just that.

I originally picked mine up at the Top Shelf booth at HeroesCon a couple of years ago, and if memory serves, I described it then as the kind of story I always wanted when I was a kid. It’s an easy statement to stand by too, and if you think you or a kid you know might like a story of lovesick elephants, sculpture contests, sea monsters, secret passages and intrepid bunny-rabbit reporters for the school paper, pick it up. It’s great stuff.

 

P. 348 – Gumby v.1: And while we’re on the subject of good-natured boosterism, I’d just like to remind everyone that Bob Burden and Rick Geary’s first trade of Gumby is resolicited here, and just so we’re clear on this, that’s a book where this happens:

 

 

Yes. That is Johnny Cash descending from Heaven to help Gumby save his girlfriend from circus people, and if that’s not enough to get you to order this one, then check your six-string at the door, bucko.

 


 

Books

 

P. 368 – Blood and (Dis)Honour:

 

 

You know, you wouldn’t think that a girl who looked like she just escaped from an all-chupacabra production of Amadeus could come off as that pretentious, but having that non-Euclidian ribcage really helps her pull it off.

 

Merch

 

P. 459 – Excellent Model Core: Tsukasa Bullet #02 Hanako-San Figure: Oh what the hell?

 

 

So it’s come to this: A “sexy cow-woman” figure.

I never thought the day would come when I longed for the carefree, innocent days of the catgirl, and yet, here we are. Well-played, Japan. Well-played.

 

P. 466 – Creator’s Laboratory #013: Air Gear – Simca PVC Statue: My original plan for this one was going to be to make fun of the outfit…

 

 

…but when I thought about it, I realized that an officer’s cap, goggles, sailor uniform top, fingerless leather gloves, and ass-less leather chaps is perfectly normal attire for the high-stakes sport of rocket-powered in-line skating. I mean, it just makes sense.

 

P. 489 – Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? Board Game: In a perfect world, this thing would just be a box with Jeff Foxworthy’s smiling mug on it containing a single piece of paper that said “Did you purchase this game? If so, congratulations: You are not smarter than a fifth grader.”

Profits would be through the roof.

 


 

And with that bit of marketing wizardry, we close the door on what was quite possibly the most bitter installment of Chris vs. Previews to date! But as always, feel free to vent your own spleen in the comments section below if something caught your eye.

As for me, I’m going to go read Gumby again, and do my best to think happy thoughts.

29 thoughts on “Chris vs. Previews: November 2007, Round Two

  1. Well…the thing is about that last statue…

    “Rocket-Powered Inline Skating” does sound fairly bitchin’. The rest of the thing, though…yeah.

    Most bitter? Maybe. But still damned hilarious.

  2. I wanted to write a joke using the phrase ‘ride that Cow-girl’ but decided I would rather gouge my eyes out after looking at the statue.

  3. When I was flipping through and saw that picture of Lady Death and the fish I thought to myself “I KNOW Chris is going to have something to say about that!” Thanks for not letting me down.

  4. “…who looked like she just escaped from an all-chupacabra production of Amadeus could come off as that pretentious, but having that non-Euclidian ribcage really helps her pull it off.”

    This was the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks.

    Thank you, sir. Thank you.

  5. Thanks, Chris. Now I can safely make my Previews order with my local shop.

    I would have missed Applicant without your help.

    And you aren’t bitter. Previews sucked esp. the Marvel section. I wanted to cancel a couple of Marvel titles just out of spite.

  6. I just assumed the Lady Death fish-ass picture was just a piece of Mr. Sims photoshop, what with the hilarious use of some sort of lens flarey glow for effect, with the purpose of mocking the ‘sexy’ and ‘out-there’ nature of Pulido comics.

    But, that’s a real cover?

    Jings.

    It’s still not as ill-advised as that Wolverine shirt, though. PUKE.

  7. Applicant originally came out a few years ago as a self-published mini, and… well, it’s EVEN BETTER than that solicitation promises. I’ve bought five or six of them over the years to give to friends.

  8. I want to agree with TTTWLAM above:

    You know, you wouldn’t think that a girl who looked like she just escaped from an all-chupacabra production of Amadeus could come off as that pretentious, but having that non-Euclidian ribcage really helps her pull it off.

    …just made my day.

  9. 1. “Applicant” rules.

    2. Bonus points for use of the phrase “non-Euclidean.”

  10. “And then there’s the larger issue, which is this: Is it really such a big deal that this is a “Fetish Edition?” Because I’m pretty sure that EVERY issue of Lady Death is catering to somebody’s fetish. Like, say, this one, where she’s apparently cramming a freshwater trout up her ass”

    The best part of this is that I was listening to Led Zepelin when I read that.

  11. Come to think of it, wouldn’t non-assless chaps be pants? Or maybe hip waders.

    As for the Lady Death fish colonoscopy cover, maybe she just doesn’t understand the proper procedure for that barefisted “Okie noodling” style of fishing.

  12. Wu jokes? In my ISB? Apparently more likely than I thought.

    Also, I own that cowgirl statue. Got it from an import store a while ago. ^_^

    And yeah, the Air Gear statue is cracky, but you have to expect that considering the series was created by Oh! Great(sic), a guy who started his career writing and drawing amature porn.

  13. I have to say that I think “Less talk! More sex!” trumps “Friends… With Benefits?!” But I bow to your superior knowledge of the arcane tome known as Previews…

    And thank you for bringing the anal bestiality swimsuit cover to broader attention; I would hate to live in a world where only I were subjected to that particular image.

    And I just realized you didn’t mention the Bob Haney/Mike Allred “lost Titans annual” in the Big Two post. Wasn’t that solicited this month?

  14. Hey, I’m trying to plan out my holiday vacation time, don’t you have a 1,000th post anniversary coming up sometime soon?

  15. And I just realized you didn’t mention the Bob Haney/Mike Allred “lost Titans annual” in the Big Two post. Wasn’t that solicited this month?

    Oh, you’re right, I totally forgot. But as Dr. K pointed out, I was the one at the HeroesCon DC Nation panel who asked Dan DiDio when they were going to go ahead and put that out.

    His response back in June? “No plans at this time.” Go figure. Either way, I’m taking credit for it, and I’m sure I’ll have plenty to say once it comes out.

    Hey, I’m trying to plan out my holiday vacation time, don’t you have a 1,000th post anniversary coming up sometime soon?

    Do I? Let’s see, 794 posts on ISB Classic, plus 190 so far on ANADISB comes out to this being the 984th Invincible Super-Blog post.

    So yeah, I guess I do. I’ll probably hold off on the celebrations until January 6, though, as that’ll mark the third Awesomeversary.

  16. I can look at successions of Lois Lane & Jimmy Olsen comics all day and not suffer any ill-effects, but I can’t stop looking at the fish above. Why? Why is it there? Who decided to draw it and what did they mean?? Was it a mistake? I mean, it’s a fish, in her butt, and they believe that image will induce me to buy their comic??

  17. Re: the fish

    Is anyone having a Pickman’s Model moment of fear?

    What if it was photo-referenced?!?!?!

  18. ¡Las SUPERPOTENCIAS nunca introducen combatientes extremos estupendos BRANDNEW antes de considerado! ¡Fantástico! ¡Cada uno ahora parte con los pantalones en su cabeza en la celebración para las cubiertas de ALEXO ROSSO! Ariba!

  19. “Is anyone having a Pickman’s Model moment of fear?

    What if it was photo-referenced?!?!?!”

    This made me laugh quite a lot. I swear, if I hadn’t read some Lovecraft at art college, I wouldn’t understand half of what is said on the internet…