Cracked.com: Cobra Commander’s Most Ridiculous Terror Plots–And How They Might’ve Worked

 

 

Long-time ISB readers might recall that when I broke back into paid comedy writing, it was as a contributing editor to CRACKED Magazine and the popular website that spun out of it. It’s been a while since I contributed over there, but the impending release of the GI Joe movie gave me the chance to return for a look at Cobra Commander’s Most Ridiculous Terror Plots and the real-life events that prove they might’ve actually worked!

Yes, that’s right: An Internet comedy article based around a cartoon from the ’80s. It’s a pretty new idea, but I think it’s just crazy enough to work.

In any case, it gave me an opportunity to explore my favorite thing about Cobra Commander, which is that his plans are completely insane, yet they were considered such a threat that a strike team composed of the greatest soldiers in the entire military had to devote their entire schedule to dealing with him. Sadly, my comparison of his sinister mind-control plots to the continuation of Last Call with Carson Daly (which those of you who follow me on Twitter will recognize as my televised nemesis) was cut out, but there’s still a lot of fun to be had there, so give it a read.

And please enjoy the bonus hilarity of the comments section, which took less than an hour to become the perfect storm of “birthers,” Internet comedy critics, and Juggalos.

54 thoughts on “Cracked.com: Cobra Commander’s Most Ridiculous Terror Plots–And How They Might’ve Worked

  1. I agree on Dane Cook, but Larry the Cable Guy is kind of funny (as long as he’s not in front of a movie camera, at least).

    The telethon was a particularly silly premise, but (and I know it was a kids’ show so they couldn’t do it) obviously the way to rake in the dough was to promise that the Baroness would flash her goods if they hit their goal, and, for the ladies. Destro would take of his mask.

    Oh, and you forgot about Cobra Commander’s idea to bankrupt America through insane spending justified by threats that unemployment would skyrocket without it (threats forgotten once unemployment went even higher after it passed), scapegoating various sectors of the economy, and vague promises of hope and change.

  2. I think the people who refuse to accept Obama is American and assume he’s a plant from the island of Lemuria or wherever.

    Which is silly.

    He’s from Etheria.

  3. Nice piece, but jeez, that right there is why reading comments always depresses me. Although I did like the writer who defends Palin and hates on Pelosi and Clinton, saying “they are and always will be 100 times worse than any Conservative/Republican woman will ever be. C’mon, let’s be fair about it.”
    See, Chris, it’s not fair to make a joke about how Sarah Palin wears glasses just like the Baroness – it’s only fair if you say that Palin is 100 times better than Hillary Clinton forever.

  4. Birthers are the extremists that claim that Barack Obama was not born in the United States and that his birth certificate was a forgery. This is conspiracy theory at its most insane, right up there with the “moon landing hoax” brigade. If only Obama would pull a Buzz Aldrin and punch these fruitcakes in the face…

  5. He’s from Etheria.

    Actually, I thought he was from R’yleh?

    Ph’nglui mglw’nafh O’bama R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!

  6. The Cracked comments section is a black hole of stupidity, almost as bad as youtube. Every time someone mentions something about Obama, Sarah Palin or any political figure the place gets swarmed with batshit right wingers. I guess Republicans must love pop culture lists.

  7. Hey, I said I knew it was a kids’ show so they wouldn’t do it.

    Now, if only Vertigo did a GI Joe comic…

    (What can I say? You were on target with that 80’s kids/brunette/glasses thing you mentioned).

    Don’t assume I’m a Palin defender, by the way; I think the attacks on her went way over the top, but she reminded me a little too much of W, and 8 years of Chim-Chim in Charge was enough. And we now get to enjoy the bottomless well of crazy that is Joe Biden.

    And for the record, Birthers are idiots. Just like the Truthers (the nitwits who say 9/11 was an inside job). I did hear one loony on Hardball asking why Obama’s original birth certificate hasn’t been released (the one circulating is an official document, but not the original). The answer is simple: not releasing it whips these kooks up and the more attention they get, the easier it is for Obama to lump all his critics in with them.

  8. Of course the key to birther’s “reasoning” is that the documents that were produced when the first “Hey, is it possible that…” questions were raised and all the piles of documents that get dropped on them when someone in the White House stop rolling their eyes at the birthers long enough is that the papers don’t count. It’s a “Certificate of Birth” and not a “Birth Certificate” so obviously it isn’t real.

    And I for one thank these brave people who stand up in the face of logic, evidence, and overwhelming public ridicule. I just hope they stop Obama’s dastardly plan to return the United States to England before the midnight Columbus Day deadline. Preferably in some kind of pyrotechnic intensive chase scene in the last reel.

    Oh, hey! There was something about G.I. Joe! Perhaps Cobra’s newest plot is to disgrace the Joes by producing a terrible movie about them…

  9. Obama’s returning the US to England? Excellent! I’ll break out the tea and crumpets. We can do without the economic armaggedon, though – we’ve got one of those already. k thx bye!

  10. The answer is simple: not releasing it whips these kooks up

    Uh, sure. The fact that Hawaii went electronic years ago and don’t keep paper originals has nothing to do with it. It must be a conspiracy to deflect criticism.

  11. Oh comments section. That was almost like reading a Newsarama thread. Almost.

    Who knew when the internet brought us all together we’d turn out to be a bunch of whining adolescents?

    (BTW, fun article, Chris.)

  12. I made something like the same Palin/Baroness joke when I documented the Top 5 Ways G.I. Joe Was (and Is) Ahead of History. I suspect that the fact that we don’t allow people to leave comments anonymously and we don’t allow political discussion on our forums is why the wingnuts didn’t go completely apeshit. It might also have been that I didn’t make anywhere near as many jokes extending the concept as I could have, like how both women with eyeglasses and a rifle were in charge of armies of white males who could never figure out they were on the losing side.

    The best thing about a conspiracy theory is that any contrary evidence is really just more evidence of how deep the conspiracy really goes. This is why I have come to fucking hate conspiracy theories.

  13. I do realize there’s no absolutely other places online that welcome crackpot political discussion that has nothing to do with the subject at hand in the least and is purely intended to push the commenter’s spaced-out views upon the readers, so it’s a good thing that Mister Sims runs a comics blog so all that delusional and off-topic tripe can be expounded on here.

  14. Chris are you insane?

    I know you “live dangerously”, but you decided that it would be a good idea to poke Sarah Palin, ICP AND Dane Cook with a stick all ON THE SAME DAY?

    You do realize that all three have signed a pact with Satan right?

  15. THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T MAKE POLITICAL JOKES. EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET IS AN EXPERT ON POLITICS, EVEN IF THEY AREN’T.

    Thanks for reading.

  16. which took less than an hour to become the perfect storm of “birthers,” Internet comedy critics, and Juggalos.

    I was all set to be impressed, but really, you invited them there by poking the bears.

    I thought they just materialized…cuz, well, that’s what they do.

  17. POLITICS!

    My problem with Palin was always that if she ever did get elected we’d have to put up with political satire shows always going for the easy “shes so dumb that x” jokes we had to put up with 8 years under Bush, having someone even more noticably slow to react and sketchy in knowledge in a major position would have just led to more of this. Its like a Michael Jackson is weird or Amy Winehouse is a drug addict joke, its not so much a joke as a statement of fact. But comedians seem to enjoy stating it for some sort of false censure amusement effect.

    I mean, I’m not fussed if America prefers to elect officials who seem to be a few crumpets short of a tea party, but when it cuts into my political satire tv enjoyment then you’ve gone too far America.

    Thats why im glad black suave guy won. Im hoping we got a black suave leader in England, with a very miniscule black population this might be a stretch, but maybe we can import. Denzel Washington cant be that busy.

  18. Denzel Washington would totally kick international treaties that limit English fishing quotas RIGHT IN THE FACE.

  19. We might as well say Chris shouldn’t review Blackest Night because comic geeks are so well-known for flying into adolescent rages when you don’t kiss their butts just right. People have a choice how they react to other peoples’ opinions.

  20. You guys should get Wesley Snipes instead so that your official policies can be things like “You think we doin’ this for the March of Dimes?!” and “Always some motherfucker tryin’ to ice-skate uphill.”

  21. We could push the boat out and get Will Smith, he wouldnt really add anything to the mix but during a parliamentary question time I think a well placed “AWWWW HELLLL NAW” would really shut down the opposition questioning governments new tax policy.

  22. The fun thing about politics (gleaned from decades of both amateur and professional study) is that there’s plenty of stupidity to go around. Ergo notes that only 42% of Republicans are certain Obama’s a native born American. In 2007, only 39% of Democrats were certain that Bush didn’t know about 9/11 in advance. http://www.rasmussenreports.com/public_content/politics/current_events/bush_administration/22_believe_bush_knew_about_9_11_attacks_in_advance

    The comforting thing to remember is that the Republicans and Democrats are the mainstream parties, i.e., there are other political parties out there that are even crazier.

    And Wesley Snipes would get eaten alive in Britain (I’ve seen the PM’s Question Time). What you need is a badass who can lull his opponents into a false sense of security with a deep soothing voice. So, obviously, Morgan Freeman. The Convention on Fishing and Conservation of Living Resources of the High Seas wouldn’t stand a chance.

  23. Nice work!

    I loved your “Beginner’s Guide to Supervillainy” way back when, and this is yet another solid article that will help make better villains of us all.

    Case studies are SO important…

  24. “There was something about G.I. Joe! Perhaps Cobra’s newest plot is to disgrace the Joes by producing a terrible movie about them…”

    After Revenge of the Fallen I have a new definition of terrible. I don’t think the Joes have anything to worry about, at least ranked against the rest of this summer.

  25. Nick, two words: Speed. Suits.

    (Oh, and pushing it back from a mid-July release to August is a really bad sign for those who know how studio scheduling works.)

  26. I’m disappointed that Ron Paul didn’t enter into the equation somewhere.

    Maybe if I chant his name three times I can summon some of his supporters to this comment thread.

    Also, this and this both seem relevant to the topic at hand.

  27. @Scott

    Morgan Freeman is a little too good to be PM, sullied by politics, maybe he could just be king. Im not suggesting we totally disregard the Windsor line, but we could trade out Charles for Freeman and then trade back on his passing.

    He would look incredibly dignified on our money and his placid tones would really perk up the Christmas address. If Morgan Freeman told me it has been a good year for the commonwealth, I would believe him.

    “Get busy living and increasing gross domestic product, or get busy dying”

  28. The fun thing about politics (gleaned from decades of both amateur and professional study) is that there’s plenty of stupidity to go around. Ergo notes that only 42% of Republicans are certain Obama’s a native born American. In 2007, only 39% of Democrats were certain that Bush didn’t know about 9/11 in advance.

    Well, I think that’s just 61% of Democrats thinking the President can actually read memos. Particularly ones entitled, oh… “Osama Bin Laden determined to strike U.S.” :)

    Now I want Tina Fey to dress as the Baroness. Is that wrong?

  29. Tina Fey as the Baroness would be awesome. Tina Fey as Sarah Palin as the Baroness would be even better.

    I can’t believe that nobody’s endorsed Samuel L. Jackson for PM.

    Topic? Nice article, Chris. I need to watch that telethon episode now…

  30. Actually, part of that 61% are “not sure,” but the rest include the “W knew and did nothing (probably on the orders of Skull and Bones)” and “The U.S. government was obviously behind it, because we made a model with chicken wire and sterno and it didn’t fall down” crowd.

    Speaking of falling buildings, this is unbelievable:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozfzr3kkp_4

    Ooh, Tina Fey as the Baroness. There is NOTHING wrong with that. In fact, I think I like that better than Sienna Miller (sorry, I like Miller, but she’s just too petite).

    I was going to suggest Samuel L. Jackson, but I figured he’d remind some of Margaret Thatcher, and I didn’t know how that would go over.

    Okay, Jackson would be like a more mellow, less intimidating Thatcher, but still…

  31. How is it whenever Chris writes an article for another site the comments there are always mind-blowingly retarded? And that’s putting it mildly.

  32. Surely England has its own Black Actors who could become prime minister without needing to use American ones? Also, man, you’re like a chemical catalyst for internet stupidity, Sims. Surely there must be a way to harness that power and use it to take over the world? Wait… is your post about Cobra plots actually a Cobra plot?! Dastardly meta!

  33. Brad: It’s all part of a Cobra plot?

    This would seem to make sense except for the fact all Cobra plots are hilariously awesome. The comments over at Cracked… not so much.

  34. Here’s my beef. Me and my brethren of C.A.M.P. (Clown-Attired Male Prostitutes) have lost our good name. Donning clown costumes and makeup, then performing carnal acts upon paying customers, is a noble deed, and one that cannot be learned overnight. (If you think giving a client a Reverse Rebo and taking her to the Magical Land of Allakazam while keeping your greasepaint from running is easy, I assure you, you’re wrong.)

    Yet our labor has been devalued by amateurs taking our good name. You call yourselves “juggling gigolos?” You have not earned the right to be called “juggalos!”

    I and my fellow members of C.A.M.P. are disgusted by this degradation of the good name of circus-clown-themed man-strumpetry.

  35. “This would seem to make sense except for the fact all Cobra plots are hilariously awesome. The comments over at Cracked… not so much.”

    They can’t all be winners. Or any, actually. But some less so. That’s my theory, I’m sticking to it.