Ever since my laziness led me to go through two issues at once to catch up near the end of the first series, it’s been my practice to tackle new issues of the Anita Blake comics over the weekend after they come out. This time, however, there was a problem, as my Internet connection inexplicably died Saturday night, with no technicians available to check it out ’til Monday.
Could it be that fate itself didn’t want me reviewing the latest issue of Laurenn J. Framingham’s vamperotic “master” “work?”
Apparently not. Just when I’d resigned myself to another night devoted to Batman: Arkham Asylum
suffer through another 22 pages for your amusement shine the light of scholarship onto the mysteries of the story. So, you know, I’ve got that goin’ for me.
Now on with it! Grab your own copy and follow along!
1.1: When we last left Anita, she’d taken a hooker back to her apartment with Jean-Claude, but like most things in Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter (up to and including the title), this is not as exciting as it sounds.
That’s right, folks: It’s another eight pages of talking. I have to say, though, as much as I’ve pointed out how this book tends to dwell on the aspects of vampire hunting that involve neither vampires nor hunting, I actually would’ve liked to see the scene where Jean-Claude goes into Anita’s room, looks around at all the stuffed animals (some of which have been poorly laundered recently) and just getting weirded out.
1.4: In this panel, Anita claims that she feels “like a bully.”
Considering that Bully the Little Stuffed Bull is mostly known for stuff like Ten of a Kind, 365 Days With Ben Grimm and other upbeat comics blogging rather than badgering weepy hookers, it’s safe to assume that she feels like Jimmy Hopkins
2.5: And now, dialogue!
The gun in question is Anita’s Firestar nine milimeter, last seen in the book’s most recent scene that involved something resembling action, which was five issues ago. As to why Wheelchair Wanda–and yes, that is the character’s actual name–feels the need to ask if it’s the same gun, and why this made it into both a novel and its comic book adaptation without being cut as pointless busywork for letterer Bill Tortolini, take it up with Framingham. I just read ’em, folks.
3.5: Aaaaaaaaaand we have our first reference to torture of the disabled for sexual thrills as a plot point. Rad. Reference #2, incidentally, will come on page four, but as it’s a reference to torture of the disabled performed by the disabled, it’s probably a matter to be addressed separately. Preferably by someone far less sober than I.
5.4: Prepare your mind for a literary technique, son:
Wow. That is deep. But it should be noted that before the author decided to blow your mindwith that stunner of a revelation, the passage was originally written thus:
Gaynor had done worse than killer her. He had hurt her. And he wished to go on hurting her. He shall leave her as she left him, marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet… buried alive!
7.1: At this point, it is revealed that this story has been driven by–no joke–lost pirate treasure that can only be found by zombies. Seriously. Zombie pirate treasure. That’s what this is about. Pages upon pages of standing around, washing stuffed penguins, making coffee, identifying guns, and it’s all been going on while we could’ve had what is essentially the plot of a Monkey Island game.
There isn’t a word for the level of frustration I’m feeling right now.
7.4: Anita refers here to the “hornless goat” in the context of a voodoo ritual. In previous issues, this has been referred to exclusively as a “white goat.” Now I might be the only one to notice this–I certainly don’t expect anybody else to read these things four or five times–but come on: If you can’t keep your kooky made-up terms for human sacrifice straight, why the heck should I?
11.1-11.2: You know, there’s been a lot of this book devoted to Anita waking up and getting out of bed.
One assumes that by having Anita constantly waking up to bad news–last time zombies, this time… a phone call, though admittedly an omnious one–the author is trying to set up a recurring theme, although it’s more likely that chucking in a few panels of Anita sleeping is just the most efficient way of showing her literally doing nothing, as opposed to the countless scenes where it only seems like she’s lost consciousness.
13.5:
Yep: Shit on a roll. Exactly what I was thinking.
15.5: Whoa! That seems a little uncalled for!
Yes, Anita and Merloni the CSI spend the next five pages trying to gross each other out by throwing chunks of mutliated suburbanites–you know, evidence–at each other in what comes as close as we’re likely to get to conflict…
20.3: …and Anita decides to vent her frustrations by throwing around racial slurs:
Yeah. And you know who else turned his frustrations to racism? That’s right: Adolf Hitler.
I think you see where I’m going with this.
If someone had pitched me a comic about a vampire hunter searching for zombie pirate treasure, this is not at ALL what I would have imagined.
Does anyone know if they plan to wrap this up next issue or stretch it to six?
Knowing that she can write a book around zombies searching for pirate treasure (and the vampire-hunter trying to stop them) and still screw it up this bad has somehow lowered my respect for Laurel K. Hamilton even more.
You sir, are a funny, funny man.
“Gaynor had done worse than killer her. He had hurt her. And he wished to go on hurting her. He shall leave her as she left him, marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet… buried alive!”
BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!
…sorry.
How is it possible to make a comic that involves searching for zombie pirate treasure that boring!? It’s really quite astounding!
So…this is based on the book series my co-workers are trying to talk me into reading, huh?
Yeah, gonna keep on passing on that.
Last panel – “These aren’t the inexplicably-dripping-even-though-they’re-in-plastic-bags pieces of offal you’re looking for.”
I need to get off the internet more often.
Thank God for the last panel, showing that her chalk white hand in the panel before was due to a glove. For a second I thought maybe the colorist had just given up.
“Grab your own copy and follow along!”
Oh, no. No. Not going to happen.
You know what boggles my mind? The thought that Framingham has to have read these reviews, and does nothing to improve the writing. Amazing.
Can you please do an interview with Ron Lim, the artist on this comic? I want to know what he needs to do to contain the vomit that rises in his throat each time he gets a script to draw. Thank you.
“Badgering weepy hookers.”
Love it.
Also, I have never heard the word “dago” before today. The internet, it educates!
(And now I’m off to find out what it actually means.)
dude… does Godwin’s Law apply when the original blog post mentions Nazis?
You can’t improve the writing without abandoning the source material.
You know, when you get to Laurenn J. Framingham’s Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter: Vacation Dismemberment Werewolf Gangbang Orgy: The Lewdening: Part 1, #4, this will look like the salad days.
I’m still reeling at Wheelchair Wanda.
I mean, how does that even work?
I’ve seen both “hornless goat” and “white goat” used interchangeably for human sacrifice. Well in other fiction about voudoun or santeria. I’m not familiar with either in real life so I’ve got no idea if those terms are accurate. So I don’t think LKH made them up. Hell given all the gamer references I remember from the series she probably got them from her GURPS Voodoo book or something…
I’m always surprised at how DULL they’ve made this comic (which apparently sells pretty well). Its been years since I gave up on the series but I remember the pacing being better. Also how non-skanky the street prostitutes are drawn. But that pretty much always seems true in comics…
Get ready to say goodbye to Anita Blake, and any other questionable comics like Punisher or Destroyer, now that Disney’s buying Marvel.
Get ready to say goodbye to Anita Blake […] now that Disney’s buying Marvel.
What a tragedy that would be. Also, you’re right. It’s not like Disney has ever used one of their corporate holdings to produce mature material, or that they in fact formed an entire company to do just that. Remember how Warner Bros. bought DC and then Batman had to start fighting Elmer Fudd all the time?
Chris, you do know that this means someone is going to bring up Superman And Bugs Bunny, right?
Oh, can’t you let us run around screaming the sky is falling just for a little bit?
Nothing stirs up news and interest like a good bit of sensationalism, Chris.
I for one can’t wait to see Wolverine with Candy-Cane claws.
Really, the only thing I’m worried about is Marvel Island at Universal Studios.
No, but I wish I did, because that would be great.
She definitely didn’t make up hornless goat, aka cabrit sans cor. She just made it duller than human sacrifice ought to be.
What does it say about LKH fans that they continue to buy this awful comic?
… that they’ll buy anything, right? And that’s pretty much why this comic exists.
This week, I will promote synergy, shit on Deborah’s desk, and possibly eat some chicken fingers.
“I think you see where I’m going with this.”
A health care rally in Arizona?
Wasn’t “pirate treasure that can only be found by zombies” the EXACT plot of “Weekend at Bernie’s 2”?
A health care rally in Arizona?
All I’m saying is that if Anita would provide her birth certificate…
Chris, thank you for your valiant attempt to “shine the light of scholarship onto the mysteries of the story” in this issue, as always. However, from your review it would appear that you failed to find a story therein.
One might only wish that one day about thirty-five years ago Murray Boltinoff had gently whispered into Bob Haney’s ear the immortal phrase “lost pirate treasure that can only be found by zombies.” If for no other reason that Haney would have actually written a story in one twenty-page issue. Deadman as guest-star, I think.
Star Trek Reference! Yes!
*Retreats back to the shadows*
Why were you sober? That seems foolish.
“Chris, you do know that this means someone is going to bring up Superman And Bugs Bunny, right?”
Ah, you mean the second best Superman/bunny crossover ever?
http://www.comics-db.com/comic-book/1117682-Superman_Meets_The_Quik_Bunny.html
Chris, seriously, Ron Lim on War Rocket Ajax would be the best/most awkward interview EVER.
No joke, I think Ron Lim is great. I love his cosmic Marvel stuff from the ’80s and ’90s, and aside from his tendency to give female characters in the Anita Blake comics huuuuuuuuuuge racks, he’s a marked improvement from how the book started. Ain’t his fault Jean-Claude wears a button-less poet shirt.
But, you, it’s…
Kevin Church, you just blew my mind.
…that next you’ll be bringing us the Annotated Mein Kampf? Or maybe the Annotated New Adventures of Hitler?
Either that, or you’re proposing that Captain America punch Anita Blake in the face.
I was thinking myself that the art in this had kind of levelled off and found a good place, even more so than when he took over. I like that Lim has mastered the totally unneccesary art of making boobs look even bigger by squishing the waist in like a Mesopotamian fertility cult statue. Also, Wanda’s sad face in 1.1 cracks me up.
…proposing that Captain America punch Anita Blake in the face.
YES!!!
Chris Sims Says:
There’s more sleeping in this book than in the entirety of Sandman Mystery Theatre
Have we found our next Chris Sims out-of-context pull-quote for the inevitable hardcover? I think we might have.
Didn’t Ron Lim do the Infinity Gauntlet and Infinity War mini-series? Because those were AWESOME. Especially the bit where Captain America stands toe-to-toe with Thanos and basically spits in Thanos’ eye because that’s how Cap rolls.
LurkerWithout Says:
Hell given all the gamer references I remember from the series she probably got them from her GURPS Voodoo book or something…
Love the GURPS reference and you are probably right. I’m sure that GURPS Voodoo sits on her desk right next to GURPS Undead. If she ever includes a character called Kromm, we’ll know for sure.
Infinity Gauntlet was Lim and George Perez. Don’t know how they split the work, but yeah, that was a very well-drawn series.
The line about SANDMAN MYSTERY THEATRE is still cracking me up.
Remember how Warner Bros. bought DC and then Batman had to start fighting Elmer Fudd all the time?
I am goddamn sorry I missed those issues.
PS
Get ready to say goodbye to Anita Blake […] now that Disney’s buying Marvel.
Well, I look forward to how they’ll deal with this in Criminal.
It’d be nice to see the phrase “Fuck a duck” made literal.
I’m always surprised at how DULL they’ve made this comic (which apparently sells pretty well). Its been years since I gave up on the series but I remember the pacing being better.
This comic is pretty well faithful to the novels. I read these books within the last three months, and I tell you that the pacing is spot on.
Yeah. And you know who else turned his frustrations to racism? That’s right: Adolf Hitler.
I think you see where I’m going with this.
You know what else Anita has in common with Adolf Hitler? She spends a lot of time wishing she had blonde hair and blue eyes. She really, really pines after being a Nordic superwoman.
Wheelchair Wanda is just charming to me. I can’t help but imagine her as this perky, upbeat person who isn’t about to let being physically challenged prevent her from going out there and being the best sex worker she can be, goshdarn it!
Remember how Warner Bros. bought DC and then Batman had to start fighting Elmer Fudd all the time?
On the other hand, as soon as Disney bought ABC, the entire TGIF line-up had to visit Disney World. Osborne would probably try to get Hades and Pete (not Parker) on his side, and recreate the MCP to do his bidding. It could be interesting. Something in 616 should be (personal opinion–deal) for a change.
On the bus ride here I saw somebody reading an Anita Blake hardcover graphic novel/trade and thought of you, Chris
Aaaand out of fucking nowhere, it’s CASUAL RACISM MONDAY!
No, seriously, how the hell did that make it into print?
Never let it be said that 50-odd comments to a Sims post is too many.
I know Chris said about the lack of vampire hunting going on in this book about a vampire hunter, but…is there ANY?
It’s weird to think that Tarot is officially more exciting than Anita Blake. Not that Tarot had any vampire hunting (I honestly can’t remember, but it wouldn’t surprise me). But at any rate it did certainly have a haunted vagina.
Hmm. Perhaps that’s what Anita Blake needs: spirit-infested genitalia.
“Hmm. Perhaps that’s what Anita Blake needs: spirit-infested genitalia.”
Anita’s genitalia get plenty infested later on in the series. You’ll read so many things you wish you could unread but can’t.
Anita does periodically get infested by a spirit, but it’s a chick, and the chick is usually saying, “aw, c’mon, Anita! You know you want get all of those penises ballsdeep in you!” followed by Anita saying, “want ’em so bad!!!!”
No, seriously, how the hell did that make it into print?
Because dago is less known than nigger as an ethnic slur?
“Get ready to say goodbye to Anita Blake, and any other questionable comics like Punisher or Destroyer, now that Disney’s buying Marvel.”
Is anyone else imagining a sequence similar to the end of Neil Gaiman’s “Whatever Happened To The Caped Crusader”, but with Max comics?
“No, seriously, how the hell did that make it into print?
Because dago is less known than nigger as an ethnic slur?”
Or the editor just stopped reading the damn thing months ago for their sanity. That’s possible.
I don’t recall any zombie pirate treasure, but maybe I’m just blocking it all out after I got fed up with the books. Especially after introducing a character who’s only remarkable trait is his large dong. Yeah, seriously.
Zombie pirate treasure? You mean like in To the Lighthouse? Framingham, that’s one Woolf homage too many.
…am I the only one who thinks that Anita’s hair gives the subtle impression of a mullet?
“You know what else Anita has in common with Adolf Hitler? She spends a lot of time wishing she had blonde hair and blue eyes. She really, really pines after being a Nordic superwoman.”
Later on in the books, LKH tries to cover this up by making every blond a screeching bitch who is jealous of Anita.
Then even later on she realizes this makes it even MORE obvious and just makes pretty much EVERY woman a screeching bitch who is jealous of Anita.
Wheelchair Wanda is just charming to me. I can’t help but imagine her as this perky, upbeat person who isn’t about to let being physically challenged prevent her from going out there and being the best sex worker she can be, goshdarn it!
I like that her wardrobe choices suggest that the penciller confused “sex worker” with “social worker.” Unless St. Louis am Bizarro World, and social workers there wear leather miniskirts and fishnets.
I don’t want to be insensitive but why is Wheelchair Wanda wearing sensible shoes? It’s not like she has to walk in them so why isn’t she wearing the sluttiest high heels possible that guys might possibly be attracted to? (to go along with her peasant skirt and t-shirt of course). It is Bizarro World.
JupiterPluvius Says:
Wheelchair Wanda is just charming to me. I can’t help but imagine her as this perky, upbeat person who isn’t about to let being physically challenged prevent her from going out there and being the best sex worker she can be, goshdarn it!
Actually, if I remember it right, she was described as being dressed a little less hooker-ish (not in terrible detail, but you got the drift). Not so “normal outfit”, I guess, but you got the impression she wasn’t in fishnets or any of that. I think it was because she was well known and guys were going for the wheelchair-bound fetish so she really didn’t have to dress up that much.
I don’t think Anita mentioned Wanda’s shoes (even though Anita details her own outfits heavily). I don’t own a copy (one friend of mine in high school would buy them and we’d pass them around the group, back when they were first coming out), else I’d double-check that.
No, guys, everyone knows that Dago is an italian-published argentinian comic.
Do you doubt it? Check it out (page in italian):
http://www.ubcfumetti.com/enciclopedia/?12218
Best,
Hunter (Pedro Bouça)
Ah, I love to read this interpreting of Anita Blake, and to read the comments. You crack me up!
If I remember it right, the Laughing corpse was entirely about how to indulge Anita into a little human sacrificing.
There wasn´t an inkling of a treasure anywhere. And it still weirds me out that there isn´t any trace of vampires or hunting going on.