Over the past six hundred years or so, Dracula has been involved in a lot of terrible things. There’s all the impalings of course, and the thing where he feeds on a terrified populace, and then you get into the minor stuff like the many zoning violations that arise from spontaneous Demon Castle Construction.
His second-greatest crime*, however, is that he has inspired others to make terrible, terrible vampire movies.
For this week’s Worst of Netflix column, I’ve taken on the no-budget vampire “anthology” Red Lips 2: Bloodlust, and while this might not be clear in the review, it is quite possibly the worst movie I have ever seen.
Essentially two unrelated movies stitched togther to form one shambling cinematic horror, Red Lips 2 manages to combine the lingering, unerotic, possibly meth-induced nudity of a truck stop magazine rack with the cinematic acumen of a Manos: Hands of Fate. Thrill! as writer-star Maria Ortiz and Canadian “scream queen” Debbie Rochon improv their way through scenes where the sound is so bad that all you can hear is that they’re stepping on each other’s lines! Chill! as you realize that the movie theater set is just the oddly spacious bathroom set with the single toilet swapped out for two rows of seats! Spill! your drink as the previously softcore sex scenes suddenly turn into an unobstructed shot of the slimy male lead’s junk!
Over at the column, there’s a picture of the guy–clothed, thankfully, though to be honest that’s not much of an improvement–and when you see it, I want you to think about this: I saw that dude naked for you guys.
Dracula, you owe me big time.
*: Dracula’s greatest crime, of course, is his involvement in Castlevania 2: Simon’s Quest.