This Stuff Sucks: The Worst Vampire Merchandise Ever



Today at ComicsAlliance, I’ve rounded up a gallery of the worst vampire merchandise the Internet has to offer (and one, see above, that is totally rad), and while this might come as a shock, Twilight merch only accounts for 20% of it.

Special thanks for this one goes out to Dave Campbell, Dr. K, Anna and Piers for their help with this one, although since in Anna’s case, “help” meant showing me things that were absolutely terrifying, I’m not sure if “thanks” is the right word. Seriously, though, I couldn’t have done it without them.

As to the contents of the article, the title’s a bit misleading, as it doesn’t have the absolute worst piece of vampire-related ephemera to ever hit shelves, for as all ISB die-hards know, that is an honor that belongs to one thing and one thing only:



Seriously you guys. It’s just the worst.

42 thoughts on “This Stuff Sucks: The Worst Vampire Merchandise Ever

  1. I don’t get the hatred of Simon’s Quest. If anything, the game’s biggest failing was that it was ahead of its time, blending adventure with RPG elements. Don’t be a hater.

  2. I don’t get the hatred of Simon’s Quest.

    It sucks, it’s stupid and I hate it, and you’re wrong for suggesting it’s not terrible.

  3. I spoke to Simon’s Quest the other day, Chris, and it told me that you are a very special person.

    Why do you hate Simon’s Quest so when it only wants to extend you a hand of friendship, and perhaps a delightful fruit basket?

  4. I like Simon’s Quest, but then, I like a lot of things that are considered to be terrible.

  5. I was stuck in Simon’s Quest for ages until I found out about having to select that Blue Crystal and kneel for five seconds in order to progress. Even as a kid I knew that was total bullshit. BULLSHIT!

  6. The dude who made that video has the attention span of a dung beetle.

    Not just a regular beetle. A dung beetle. A beetle that is SO IMPATIENT that can’t be bothered to find food that isn’t, literally, feces.

    And yes, that wall thing would have sucked, if there was no such thing as Nintendo Power, or friends, or those book things that he SO IMPATIENTLY b-buttoned his way right past without reading. Nobody who played this game didn’t know about the red crystal.

    Do not worry, “Just Some Guy” I am prepared to bring the love for Simon’s Quest. Also Faxanadu.

  7. A puzzle that you need to consult an outside source to solve is not really a good puzzle (unless it’s like the Carmen Sandiego games and the outside source is an Atlas or an encyclopedia or something educational like that.) Even today, when we have GameFAQs, that’s kinda dickish.

    I’ll give CASTLEVANIA 2 points for ambition, and for trying to expand the gameplay mechanics of the first into an open-world exploration game. It was a really great idea, they just didn’t properly realize it. (I understand that later entries eventually went back to the idea and did it right, though the last Castlevania game I’ve played was IV.)

  8. Gotta say, I’m in the “love CV2” camp, too. I liked that it was so different from what came before, which seemed to be the way to go back in the day with NES games – Super Mario 2, Zelda 2, Goonies 2 – all great sequels. Yes, dying when you fall in the water was cheap, but pitfalls existed in EVERY platformer back then (and even these days) – it’s part of the platformer experience. The only 8-bit game I can think of that water didn’t kill was Super Mario 3.

  9. Not to seem like I’m kissing ass or anything, but …

    This article is the best thing I’ve read all day.

    And seriously, Simon’s Quest MADE ME HATE VIDEO GAMES.

    Sims for the win.

  10. When I first read this post, my first reaction, like some of you all, was “hey, I liked Simon’s Quest!” But reading the comments, and watching that video, made me remember all the annoying things about it. I’d totally forgotten about the day/night thing! I’ll say that I still really like the concept, the execution really was pretty terrible though.

    On the other hand, maybe it’s just indicative of how much crap we used to put up with as little NES gamers. The bit about the annoying password system reminded me of what I think is the best NES game of all time, River City Ransom. That had an absolutely ridiculous password system. As did Metroid, which I’d rank #2. And a lot of the annoying things about Simon’s Quest–losing all your hearts when you die, dying in water, etc.–are totally routine for an era of games that, in retrospect, are unbelievably difficult and repetitive.

  11. Rush:

    Ravenloft, the campaign setting, was indeed published in 1990.

    AD&D Module I6: Ravenloft, however, was published in 1983.

  12. I want someone to make a Simon’s Quest retro clone called Sim’s Quest where your goal is to kill H. Akamatsu after a young Chris Sim’s plays Simon’s Quest.

    What a terrible night to have a curse …

  13. “How can anything involving a protagonist named Simon NOT be terrible, seriously?”

    Well all the other Castlevania games starring Simon Belmont for a start…

    And the Simon the Sorcerer games. Except the third one, that was abominable.

  14. I haven’t played Simon’s Quest since I was a kid but God did I hate it back then. I couldn’t understand why everyone seemed to like it. So boring and confusing. I even owned a strategy guide that explained how to beat it yet still never got around to doing it.

  15. I was going to defend Simon’s Quest, but before doing so I brought it up on my emulator and played for fifteen minutes. When I came to, I didn’t know where I was, or why my hands were covered in blood.

    So yeah… That game is way worse than I remembered. I guess when I was a kid I just put up with a lot more annoying, repetitive crap from my games. Thank GOD the technology evolved.

  16. If having your face on a shower curtain is the price of fame, then I revel in my anonymity.

    (Jesus, he looks like Eraserhead.)

  17. I have to hand it to your readers, Chris.
    I would have thought that instead of all of this “Castlevania” talk, the board would be lit up with comments about the Twilight dildo.

  18. At least it’s a debate about Castlevania II and not a discussion on which stake Buffy uses.

    Which funny enough, the Comics Alliance comments also only had one comment about the Twilight dildo. Are we all missing the bigger picture here?

  19. You know, I’m pretty sure that I’ve mentioned in the comments here in the past that I have (if not love) at least non-hate for Simon’s Quest.

    But we are missing the big picture here:


    I’m pretty sure all future dictionaries will have a new definition of rad from now on.

  20. Not entirely accurate – the worst piece of vampire merchandise is the World’s of Power children’s book BASED on Castlevania 2.

  21. Wow, worse than the Castlevania comic book by IDW, even? I think they’re on equal footing.

  22. Well, on the one hand, Castlevania: The Belmont Legacy has the Dracula Fetus, which is hilarious.

    On the other hand it has the Dracula Fetus.

  23. How can anything involving a protagonist named Simon NOT be terrible, seriously?

    Gurren Lagann had a main character named Simon and it’s one of the most awesome things in existence.

  24. Oh Simon’s Quest. How I loved getting absolutely stuck. Beating the first castle and getting the rib and then…. Well I had no clue so I just walked around for a while and when the game stopped nauseating me I tried again.
    Mind you, this was before I had easy internet access, so now if i could stop hating it long enough I can just look up a Walkthrough. However, like Dracula, my hate just keeps resurrecting itself.