Warrior Wisdom Fridays #8
November 6, 2009 | Posted by Chris Sims
As a service to our readership, each installment of Warrior Wisdom Fridays will provide an inspirational (and actual) quote from the Ultimate Warrior so that those who read it may take it to heart and reflect on how it may improve their lives. Installments of WWF should be accompanied by fifteen to twenty minutes of meditation and reflection, aided by soft music or strong herbal tea.
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WHERE DO YOU GET THESE QUOTES?
I must know.
You’d figure it would be self explanatory.
There are these things called “promos” that wrestlers do sometimes before a match, see.
The Chosen One, is without a doubt, the most Powerful Force in the Entire Universe. Don’t believe me? Just ask Hulk Hogan.
I really like this feature.
But I can not fully understand it.
I am humbled by this sacred wisdom.
This one actually seems to make some sense.
Should I see a doctor?
“Ask your doctor about Warrior Wisdom.
Warrior Wisdom may not be appropriate if you are a pregnant mother, or if you are made out of rich, creamy, caramel.
If you experience dizziness, shortness of breath, or uncomfortable bowel movements, you should discontinue using Warrior Wisdom immediately, and consult a medical professional.
Side effects may include nausea, sexual dysfunction, a viscous discarge from your ears, concussive brain damage, and flatulence.
WARRIOR WISDOM. It’s time to set yourself *free*.”
I think he talks this way because he’s insecure and doesn’t know if his word is law or not. Ulty, baby, it’s okay. Your word is law.
I suddenly have a vision of Doc Strange saying this to Brother Voodoo…
See, when I get the occasional bout of constipation I just eat some raisin bran, maybe take a laxative.
But then again, I’m not an Ultimate Warrior with legions of followers who fights people with reputed voodoo powers.
Every time I read one of these quotes, I feel a little better about that.
The secret is BEER. Beer lets you turn any physical weakness into a greater strength. It also makes you ten feet tall, bulletproof, irresistably witty and charming to the opposite sex, and able to sing in perfect harmony. The Ultimate Warrior is just a shill for the Brewers Guild.
“I really like this feature.
But I can not fully understand it.”
This is the proper response to any Ultimate Warrior promo. Because it was Chris Jericho’s on “Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior”. “I have no idea what he just said, but that sounds cool, so yay!” Something like that. Pretty sure the link’s down.
“The Ultimate Warrior is just a shill for the Brewers Guild.”
I’m pretty sure he hasn’t even eaten bread since the Carter Administration so no, probably not. He just talks like that. All the time.
Even in convenience stores, I bet.
It is not logical, but it is often true.
Truly a warrior-poet.