And Then There Was the Time That Betty and Veronica Were Kidnapped For Alien Sex Experiments

A few days ago, I posted this, my new favorite Archie panel:

 

 

The appeal here should be pretty obvious, but it’s worth noting that while this is the weirdest panel in the story–I’m still not sure whether “BLORT!” is someone’s name or just a rare example of Riverdalien profanity–the rest of it is almost equally insane.

The story in question is “The Visit,” recently reprinted in Tales From Riverdale Digest #35, though where it was originally published is anybody’s guess. I suspect, though, that it’s from one of the mid-70s “serious” titles, probably Life with Archie, as it has the same distinct brand of madness that you’ll find in stories about perfume counterfieters or renegade brain surgeons, only magnified to the power of Kirby.

It all starts–of course–with a meteor shower:

 

 

Clearly, there are alien shennanigans afoot! So afoot, in fact, that the very next day…

 

 

…Archie, Betty and Veronica are accosted by Bjordu, who shows up out of nowhwere and immediately starts penetrating the girls.

 

 

With his eyes, I mean.

Over the next few pages, it becomes clear that Bjordu intends to kidnap Betty and Veronica and take them back to the Fourth World for what he claims is SCIENCE! but that I think we can all agree is more along the lines of an interplanetary three-way. Archie makes a valiant–read: completely ineffective–attempt to stop him, but they vanish for a few pages and Archie gets caught in a miniature tornado.

And that’s when things start to get weird.

Because that’s when Bjordu’s sister shows up.

 

 

I say “sister,” because that’s how she’s referred to in the story, but for a blood relative, she seems awfully angry that Bjordu has selected Betty and Veronica for their experiments, noting that he has taken “two of the kind that appeal to you” but neglected poor Archie.

So angry, in fact, that she tries to kill Betty and Veronica with lightning bolts.

 

 

At this point, the metaphors pretty much break down completely, and Sister (I thought she might be the BLORT! mentioned above, but that’s how she’s referred to in the narration) decides that if Bjordu’s going to take Betty and Veronica, she’s going to take Archie:

 

 

Eventually, this interstellar lovers’ tiff ends–more out of the fact that they’ve filled up 11 pages than for any attempt at an in-story reason–and Bjordu and Sis fade into their spaceship and leave three very confused teenagers in their wake:

 

 

Archie Andrews, everybody: America’s Typical Teen!

12 thoughts on “And Then There Was the Time That Betty and Veronica Were Kidnapped For Alien Sex Experiments

  1. Betty and Veronica: alien crack whores.
    See, Bjordu’s sister…shooting crack… the girls… aaah, never mind

  2. Yes, this is thinly veiled stuff you’ve presented.

    ‘For the same scientific reason that you are taking them!’

    Bjordu: ‘Blort that, sister!’

    The weirdest thing is that Sister is making your point for you by her protests. Was this the writer’s attempt to rebel against typical Riverdale sexual behaviour?

    Writer: ‘I can’t write this smut anymore…Maybe some reader will read this and rescue me.”

  3. Bjordu isn’t exactly making eye contact when he appears in panel 3 up there.

    He’s ‘looking at their boobies.’

    …if you know what I mean.

    (same for panel 4??)

  4. Am I the only one concerned that Bjordu looks like a Mike Grell-drawn Reggie? And by the fact that he’s wearing a bodysuit under that vest that has striped stockings?

  5. I remember seeing this plot before! I was wearing a garter belt, making callbacks and throwing rolls of toilet paper at the screen.

  6. Thus, in the Archie-verse, “scientific reason” means…hm…I see.

    So that’s why Dilton walks the way he does.

  7. “later, it was reckoned that the aliens were related to the unexplainable astronomical phenomenon the night before!”

    gee, ya think?

  8. Perhaps I’m wasting my time here pointing this out, but really: so the aliens big plan was to come to Earth by way of a meteor shower everyone could see, but then NOT attack the military Zod-style and NOT attempt to conquer Earth Independence Day-style.

    No, they come down here with fire and brimstone, only to threaten sexual assault against three teenagers, then get into a fight with themselves, then just pick up and leave.

    Even as a drunken extraterrestrial prank, this doesn’t make any sense.

  9. The villain looks kind of like Amazo. I think what happened is he absorbed the powers of Reggie, which is why he looks like him and his evil plan merely resulted in pointless leering and dickery.

  10. “Blort!” must be an alien way of expressing severe pain and anguish. (How would YOU feel if hot, searing laserbeams passed through YOUR eyeballs?)

  11. Whoa, I had totally forgotten about reading this when I was a kid! Really don’t remember the “Blort!”, but the panels of crazy sister appearing and then trying to kill Betty and Veronica apparently stuck themselves in my brain at some point. Oh, and Blortman’s outfit. Thank… you?

    …Thinking about weird/disturbing Archie and Co. stories, any chance anyone here’s seen either the Sabrina where she inherits a supposedly haunted mansion, but the ghosts are actually a cousin who tries to kill her?

    Or the Josie where she buys a claw necklace at a garage sale and it compels her to go to… um, a haunted mansion… but the demons and ghosts are real? And while the mansion ends up burned to the ground, the story pretty much ends with Josie a sobbing wreck while Valerie and Melody pack her into their van before hightailing it out of the wreck?

    …I think what I’m saying is that Archie did to my brain what the aliens want to do to Archie. Or something.

  12. Oh, I totally remember this one. In fact, I believe my brain may be so filled with Archie comic plots that it has left little room for anything else. This may be why I can’t remember the periodic table but can tell you all about that one Archie story where Betty dressed up in an ancient Egyptian costume for a museum show, and the colorist made her little bikini top flesh-toned, so it totally looked like Betty was rockin’ the runway topless.

    I hate myself.