Today at Heavy.com, it’s the Worst of Netflix: Adam West’s Tales From Beyond:
Though the Worst of Netflix has taught us nothing if not that pretty much anyone can make a movie and get national distribution, the actual process can be a little more complicated than that. If a project is going to stick out in the pages of whatever catalog the people who program channels like Showtime Beyond use to pick out their late night fare, it needs to offer something other films don’t. It needs an edge.
Fortunately for the makers of this week’s Worst of Netflix entry, they had the good fortune to be making their movie right around the time that Family Guy got canceled and left plenty of incidental voice actors with spare time on their hands, and were able to get the biggest edge of all: former costumed vigilante Adam West.
If that’s not enough, there’s a contest this week where you–yes you–can earn a cool fifty bucks and get the chance to make my jokes funnier in the future! So get to it!
The Worst of Netflix on Heavy.com: The Choice of a New Generation!
I can’t seem to figure out how to comment over there (it may be due to the ancient browser my company forces us to use) I’ll have to make my “The restaurant’s offer of ‘Breakfast Any Time’ was unusually sincere,” comment over here.
I can’t comment over there either, but the caption I thought of-
“This looks like the set up to the worst joke EVER. And it is.”
You guys know I’m not gonna give you fifty bucks, right?
Do you have to login to facebook to comment over there?
Phil, I tried that and got an “access denied” error on submit. Then I tried to send a bug report to the contact address they list on the site and got a “no mailbox” bounce. That’s efficient.
Hello, K. Thor Jensen of Heavy here. If you have issues with our comments system (it does happen), any captions left here will be counted as well.
I’ve just been informed by my editor that you can leave your captions here and he’ll count ’em if you’re having difficulty leaving one at Heavy.
Everybody’s a winner!
“Oh Brian Blessed, how far you have fallen.”
A variation on that one: “Brian Blessed look-alikes were half-off with the Castro.”
“Another lazy morning at Kid Rock’s summer cottage.”
“Tarnation Miss Delilah, I don’t think that waitress is ever coming back with my credit card.”
“On the right, Liam Neeson does penance for The Phantom Menance.”
Menace! Crap…
“Between takes on the latest Rob Zombie flick, three distinguished Actor’s Studio alum stop to ponder how Stanislavsky would approach the sublime experience of being violated by Sid Haig – all in unspeakable ways.”
“Dammit, Obi-Wan, get up off the floor.”
I’m sorry, but I was enjoying the article up until I came across the term “Bataan death-march of horror”. I’m Filipino sir, and although I understand that guys like me reading your blog are in the minority, you should know that I take offense at such a tasteless joke. I don’t suppose people would find “Auschwitz concentration camp of horror” particularly funny, right?
Um, I’m Jewish and I make a shitload of Holocaust jokes. And enjoy them too. So yeah, it’s kind of having a sense of humor.
“Inigo Montoya made some bad life choices after avenging his father’s death.”
“Hmmm…Flower Head Woman never have second cup KROGG’s coffee…”
“That is STANK! What is that, stinkweed tea?”
I’m just going to concede to Tim.
“The film festival drew quite a a colorful costumed audience, as it was showing My Fair Lady, Antony and Cleopatra, Braveheart, and, last but certainly not least, Breakin’.”
“Too bad he missed the IHOP – that had The Village People.”
‘Mary’s tea party was getting a lot more interesting now that the LSD in her Earl Grey was kicking in’
Or
‘Mary and Jeff tried their best not to laugh as the enormous hobo confessed his love to their bewildered friend’
Or
‘Madam, I expect this from the barbarian, but you slurp your tea like a common troll’
Or
‘Hrulf watched in shock as the lady in the booth next to him slowly began to eat her coffee cup.’
Or
‘When her husband looked away, Mary discretely spat out another tooth. The crack was taking it’s toll.’
“Recast it with a viking and a pilgrim, and you’ve got a Snickers commercial.”
“They said, I bet they’ll never make it
But just look at us holding on
We’re still together still going strong”
Comments be broken.
“God’s hooks, must she fart each time she sips her tea?”
“Tryouts for the new Snickers Feast did not go as planned.”
Hey, thanks for taking a swipe at Seth McFarlane… I cannot overstate how much I hate that show.
Comments be broken.
REALLY. I DEFINITELY DID NOT KNOW THAT. THERE ARE NOT, IN FACT, COMMENTS TO THAT EFFECT IN THIS VERY THREAD. THANK YOU FOR POINTING IT OUT, DEAR READER.
You can shave a Wookie, but you can’t take him to Denny’s
“The Cast of the Great Einstein Crosstime Gang Bang Volume 3 take a lunch break…”
“The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’s straight to video sequel.”
“Who knew Hell was an IHOP?”
“What, no overweight Han Solo impersonator?”
‘So far Mary’s speed dating experience was a bit disappointing, but she figured at least it couldn’t get any worse.’
maybe one more…
‘While sipping her coffee and browsing on her laptop, Mary wondered if she should tell anyone that the comments were broken.’
What is it with the “magic remote control” plot that so frequently leads to terrible, incoherent stories? And why does it show up so often in anthology flicks? There was one of those in “Creepshow III,” which somehow has a two-star review; otherwise it’d be perfect for your column.
“What you mean, you love Trogdar but not IN love with Trogdar?”
“Man, Senor Cardgage’s poker parties are weird.”
(Late, yes, but I couldn’t resist).