Bayonetta Is The Greatest Thing Ever

 

 

If there’s anyone out there who isn’t already familiar with Bayonetta, here’s the high concept: A girl with an English accent who looks like the Baroness fights Angels to the tune of a poppy Japanese cover of Frank Sinatra’s “Fly Me To The Moon,” strapping guns on her feet so that she can kick them in the face and shoot them at the same time. She has an arch-rival (and if I’m reading the subtext correctly, love interest) who Tokyo drifts angels to death on a magic motorcycle that can ride on walls, but that doesn’t stop her from doing things like fighting a gigantic four-legged shark monster with wings while surfing. And after you beat the game, you can unlock additional costumes so that she can do all of these things while wearing a cheerleader outfit.

What I’m trying to say here is that I’m pretty sure Bayonetta was made specifically for me, and anyone else getting enjoyment out of it is incidental at best.

I’d been interested in the game since I first heard about the foot-guns last year, but I was initially going to hold off on actually purchasing it until it hit a price drop. Then pal Andrew told me that there was breakdance fighting. I’m not made of stone, and when you combine windmills with footguns, you’ve got yourself a customer.

 

 

It is unquestionably the most over-the-top thing I have ever seen in my life, and considering I’m the guy who wrote the comic about a half-vampire skateboard champion private detective who is also a wizard and has welded magic wands to his guns, that’s probably saying a lot. I could sit here all night listing the gloriously OTT elements of the game and not even get away from Bayonetta herself, who–what with the fact that she poledances enemies to death, appears to subsist entirely on lollipops, and finishes off combos by turning her clothes (which are also her hair) into hell monsters–loops past exploitation and into parody, and keeps going until it hits a level that I’m not even sure I’ve got words for. And that’s all clearly established before you’re surfing the body of an angel down a lava flow. The only thing that even comes close to it is No More Heroes, a game about an aspiring assassin that I once died in because a guy I’d just cut in half with a lightsaber shot out so much blood that I couldn’t see what I was doing, but even that pales in comparison. Although I will say that if there’s one thing Bayonetta lacks, it’s suplexes.

Of course, all the over-the-top exploitation in the world can’t make a bad game good, but as far as gameplay goes, it’s more than solid. The developers, Platinum Studios, were formed out of the team that made Devil May Cry, and there’s an awful lot of similarity there. Mostly this applies to combat, and the fact that there is a giant lava spider involved (because why not, that’s why), but it also comes through in the fact that yes, in the tradition of DMC suddenly losing its mind and becoming Gradius for ten minutes at the end, Bayonetta will occasionally turn into a completely different game.

Specifically, it becomes Afterburner and Space Harrier, complete with remixed music:

 

 

Even so, I liked these parts, although I’ll admit that what with the barrel rolls that roated the entire screen rather than just Bayonetta (who was riding a missile at the time) made me dizzy as all hell. But that might just be because I’m a sucker for the way the developers tied it into old Sega games, which also gave the “Halos” Bayonetta collected from dead angels–which bear a strong resemblance in both appearance and noise to Sonic the Hedgehog’s rings–a whole new connotation.

Another similarity to Devil May Cry comes in the weapons. Like Dante, Bayonetta’s guns are named after a song–her four guns being “Scarborough Fair” (Parsely, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme) in place of his two, Ebony & Ivory–and like Dante, those and a sword are about all she’ll ever really use. Which isn’t to say that I don’t like the other weapons; the whip (of course there’s a whip) has its uses and I’m actually very fond of the demonic ice skates that allow you to perform the deadliest layback spin ever, but there’s just not that much use for them compared to what you start with. You’d think a set of tonfas that were also rocket launchers would be a bigger deal.

 

 

All told, in both concept and execution it’s one of the most entertaining games I’ve ever played, and while I don’t want to spoil the ending, I will say that the final level is essentially Silver Age Superman as written by Slayer, and that’s something that I didn’t know my life was missing until I finally had it. It’s incredibly fun, and it’s one of the rare games that I can see myself playing through again again to get the high-score achievements.

Well, until Mass Effect 2 comes out, anyway.

34 thoughts on “Bayonetta Is The Greatest Thing Ever

  1. Really, I’m more than a little sick of the term “high concept” being slapped onto every little offbeat idea.

  2. Oh, god…

    You’re sick of the most efficient way to say, “this is what [video game, movie, book, screenplay] is about”?

    Seriously, it’s a simple adjective/noun combo, like “shortest route” or “simple recipe”. What it isn’t is a catchphrase like, I don’t know, “Where’s the Beef?” or a lazy, generic non-critique like “meh”.

    Feel free to provide a simpler, more fitting substitute for “what Bayonetta is about” than “high concept”.

  3. But now that you mention it, I’m more than a little sick of the term “greatest thing ever” being slapped on every little greatest thing ever that comes along.

    So trite. And cliche. A blog-trope, if you will.

  4. There’s a simple way around that. We agree that the ISB is the all-time greatest greatest thing ever and whatever Chris presents as the greatest ever is recognized as a valid subset.

    It leaves all the other bloggers up the creek, but I’m good with that.

  5. Games should just stop having final bosses.

    Nothing is going to top Bayonetta’s last battle.

  6. Lacking suplexes?

    in the first 5 minutes Bayonetta German suplexes about 10 angels onto a gravestone.

    Maybe that’s all the suplexing the game has to offer, but I feel that is enough.

  7. Yeah, Dante had some fist weapons but similar to Bayonetta those tended to get used less often probably for similar reasons. Well, until Nero came along – the guy who is all “I’m gonna kill you demons” to a pair of naked chicks dangling from a demon frog Angler Fish style, rubbing on each other. Dante would have attacked too, but not after a much better quip like “Hey ladies, hope you didn’t start without me *wink wink*.” Nero was just so sub-par for that reason alone…

    So yeah, as a kinda fan of DMC games (and apparently a masochist that flips off the “Easy Mode” offer) I think you’ve sold me on it already. Once I figure out what to do about this Red-Ring…

  8. I meekly suggest that Bayonetta is NOT the greatest thing ever. I got tired of it after about an hour, largely because of the constant load screens and that horrendous mini-game you had to play just to get health potions. Any game where it’s actually better to die and reload a boss battle just to get full health isn’t the best made game on the planet.

    I also feel that the first hour of the game is nothing but a continuous stream of cheap boss battles with a little extra padding (just to get halos), and I’ve heard the rest of the game is as well.

    What Chris calls high concept I call obnoxiously sexist. The weird still-frame-moving-clothes filmstrip cutscenes were unnecessary artsy junk. And, while I on the whole like J-pop, I swear they picked the most gratingly obnoxious J-pop tracks for this game.

    Okay. Meek suggestion over. Chris Sims and the ISB are certainly great, and I value the opinions put forward by both. Even when I STRONGLY disagree with them, as I do here, since I think Bayonetta is one of the most overrated games I’ve ever played.

    Okay. Meek suggestion really over. I’ll be gone with my contrary self now.

  9. I am so sick of this idea in gaming: “in the tradition of DMC suddenly losing its mind and becoming Gradius for ten minutes at the end, Bayonetta will occasionally turn into a completely different game”. I’m working my way through Rogue Trooper at the moment, and the indecently enjoyable stealthing, running and gunning keep getting interrupted by tedious FPS stages where you have to use a big cannon that needs reloading every five seconds and traverses agonisingly slowly. Variety isn’t always good, developers! Harrumph.

  10. I think your primary problem is that you’re playing Rogue Trooper.

    OH YEAH, this reminds me that No More Heroes 2, Mass Effect 2, and the new Capcom Versus game all come out on the same day. That’s going to suck.

  11. It was only last week I was thinking to myself: “It’d be prety Cool if Sims did video game reviews; seems he’s a pretty big fan.”

    Great write up, Chris. I really don’t think there’s anything someone could say about that game at this point that would make me NOT buy it, though I am still all over L4D2 and Borderlands, and Mass Effect 2 comes out tomorrow, so I’ll probably wait until the price cut you initially were eyeing.

  12. I’m so sick of the term “video game” being slapped on every little software entertainment program.

  13. “A girl with an English accent who looks like the Baroness fights Angels to the tune of a poppy Japanese cover of Frank Sinatra’s “Fly Me To The Moon,” strapping guns on her feet so that she can kick them in the face and shoot them at the same time. She has an arch-rival (and if I’m reading the subtext correctly, love interest) who Tokyo drifts angels to death on a magic motorcycle that can ride on walls, but that doesn’t stop her from doing things like fighting a gigantic four-legged shark monster with wings while surfing. And after you beat the game, you can unlock additional costumes so that she can do all of these things while wearing a cheerleader outfit.”

    Oh, so this is what Chris Sims’s wet dreams look like.

    I’m not sure if that’s an incentive or a decentive to buy the game. But it is tempting, I’ll give you that.

  14. “What Chris calls high concept I call obnoxiously sexist.”

    I’m fairly certain FrankenCastle isn’t sexist, and it’s certainly high concept.

    Which is to say that the two terms are independent.

  15. @BringTheNoise –

    I actually missed that comment the first time through. Although I’m sure that I understand what thebluesader is saying — and I do agree with him or her to some extent — I just can’t give up the opportunity to point out that if a monster with Hitler-headed fists is sexist, I’m just gonna go ahead and swear off sex forever and ever, Amen.

    We should probably just leave it there, because I don’t think anyone really wants to turn this into a giant fight about women in popular media again. (If they do, I’m gonna be in my bunker.)

  16. @People who commented to my thing:

    I was saying that if people are going to refer to Bayonetta in general as a high concept game, I’d say no, because sexism isn’t necessarily high concept (it can be, but it isn’t in this game, as far as I’m concerned). And yes, I think Bayonetta’s sexism and tired ethnic tropes and other things overshadow it’s being high concept. Generally speaking.

    If we’re talking specifics, and I guess Chris was, then yes, there are lots of individual things in this game that are high concept. Though I admit that I probably didn’t see a lot of them. Because I didn’t play the game very long. Because I didn’t like it.

    But I did like the freaky cherub heads on the killer angels. I’m not sure if that’s high concept, or just freaky, or if freaky is high concept. But if both are each other and/or whatnot, then yes/no, I liked/did not not-like the freaky high concept of that.

    And I too have no interest in getting into the women in popular media thing again. Here, anyway. Outside of here, IT’S ALL I AM. Or not. Either way.

    BTW, to those who would like to know, I am all man. Most of the time. As far as you’re all concerned. I think.

  17. … to the tune of a poppy Japanese cover of Frank Sinatra’s “Fly Me To The Moon,” …

    Would it be the same version played over the closing credits of Neon Genesis: Evangelion?

  18. Would it be the same version played over the closing credits of Neon Genesis: Evangelion?

    Having never seen Evangelion, I don’t know, but the credits refer to it as the “Climax Mix,” which seems pretty keyed to Bayonetta specifically.

    I should’ve mentioned that in the section on Bayonetta’s insane oversexualization: You don’t do finishing moves, you do “climaxes.” You don’t just shoot a bunch of dudes while rapid-tapping Y or B, you do “bullet climaxes.” STILL HILARIOUS.

  19. The game is a little front-end-heavy as far as its suplexes are concerned. The first big bossfight against Fortitudo, the giant-face-with-two-dragons-attached-and-wings-too, is only progressed by tearing the dragonheads off, German-suplexing them, and then allowing demon-hands to pull them into the underworld.

  20. I meekly suggest that Bayonetta is NOT the greatest thing ever. I got tired of it after about an hour, largely because of the constant load screens and that horrendous mini-game you had to play just to get health potions. Any game where it’s actually better to die and reload a boss battle just to get full health isn’t the best made game on the planet.

    As we say here in South Carolina, YOU LIE!

    Or at least, I disagree with you. The end-of-level mini-game grew on me, but you don’t actually NEED to play it to get health potions (well, health lollipops). You can buy them at the store; the mini-game just allows you to get past the inventory limit or make an extra bunch of Halos that you can put towards a cheerleader outfit.

    I don’t begrudge the game that; it actually gave me a better sense of accomplishment when I made it through a tough level without dying.

    What Chris calls high concept I call obnoxiously sexist.

    I’d find it hard to argue with you on that point, but I’d stand by my statement that Bayonetta’s exploitation-film setup a selling point to me. I’d rather play a game that was up front about it than one that tried to couch its titillation behind falsely “empowered” characters. There’s a sort of tongue-in-cheek attitude to the whole thing that blends more into pushing things over the top than, I don’t know, sticking Tifa in a tank top and waiting for the DeviantArt commissions to roll in.

    I guess it all comes down to personal taste, and that’s what makes this crazy world go ’round.

  21. Mr. Sims, obviously you are unaware of the best weapon in the game. Not surprising, as it requires you to complete 100 chapters on Normal difficulty or higher.

    It’s a pair nunchucks, with guns in them. Gunchucks. While using them Bayonetta does her best Bruce Lee impersonation.

  22. I hate to say this, I mean I really hate to say this, but Bayonetta reminded me of Tarot. Two witches with overwhelming physical attributes, those outfits, and all the silliness, I just couldn’t get over it. Sorry man.

    I’m totally with you on Mass Effect 2 though. I hope I get months out of that. I know you’re a busy man, Sims, busier than you used to be, but I hope you can get back into heavy gaming the way you used to be, when you left USC.

    I think it would make you a happier man, and whenever possible, a video game review by you would easily compare to those of Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw.

  23. @Ben:

    Wow. I didn’t even think of how much this thing DOES strike a certain Tarot note. And now that I’m thinking about it, I want a rated M Tarot game oh-so-bad.

    No doubt that would be obnoxiously sexist too, and probably terrible. But oh, what a glorious fail it would be! Or it would just be a mediocre Bloodrayne ripoff with the female anatomy dialed down to more acceptable levels.

    On second thought, forget I said anything.

    @Chris:

    I agree in that I certainly prefer my exploitative sexism up front instead of buried under supposed female empowerment. But to me that’s like saying I prefer Barbie over the former Bratz dolls: why do I have to accept any variety of sexism at all? (The point being that sexism is bad, not that I wish there were better dolls on the market. I’m not that guy. Though if I was, I’d probably still be pissed.)

    I also agree that if Bayonetta’s sexism felt like traditional exploitation cinema sexism, I’d have less of a problem with it. I love exploitation cinema as much as the next smirking hipster. The issue is, I didn’t get that vibe from Bayonetta. I got a vibe that it WANTED me to think it was doing the exploitation movie thing, but nothing more. And that was irritating.

    I’m splitting hairs now, so I guess that means the debate, as it was, is over. I’ll leave this topic with but one lowly suggestion: play and review Dante’s Inferno when it comes out. As the demo was fantastically awesome, I assume the game will be as well, which means you will of course like it, and I will of course like it, and then you can state you do here, and I can agree with you in the comments.

    Because I’ve only talked to you in your comments section twice, once being this time, and the last time being about how I don’t like Grant Morrison. And I’d like the chance to look like the positive, happy-go-lucky guy I pretend I am in real life.

    …You know, other than by simply not shooting my mouth off in your comments’ section. But…well…what fun is that?

  24. Sounds good. My favorite, though, is still Whiplash, in which a weasel(!) with exposed wires to his brain(!!) has to destroy an animal research facility while taking orders from a supercomputer. Oh. He’s also handcuffed to an invulnerable(!!!) rabbit, who developed his invulnerability from repeated hair-spray tests(!!!!) and is employed as a fuzzy flail.

    Not the best playing game, but every time I look at my shelf I start laughing and end up popping it in. Got a feeling that Bayonetta might be similar in that regard.

  25. I flipped a coin a month ago and it came up Darksiders. Cool as hell, w/ wild-ass monster designs (not enough, though)and a weird similarity to Legend of Zelda.
    But I’ll get right on Bayonetta, just as soon as I finish Mass Effect 2. And Bioshock 2. And whenever Alpha Protocol comes out.

  26. First time poster, long time blah blah. Wanted to chip in.

    Anecdotally – my sister isn’t a gamer, is a movie buff, considers herself a feminist, and after seeing me play Bayonetta is now playing it through on Easy and laughing along with the ridiculous over-sexualisation.

    That doesn’t mean it’s not sexist, or that my sister is a hypocrite. It’s just so stylised that it really doesn’t contribute anything to any kind of gender debate you could want it to. Bayonetta doesn’t look like a real woman, but not in the Lara Croft sense where it’s simply male idealisation. She doesn’t look like a real woman because she has nine foot long legs and can TURN INTO A PANTHER. If that’s objectification of women, then, well, fuck it. I think it’s reasonable to expect women to be able to turn into a panther.

    I don’t actually think the game is all that titillating. My sister put it better than I can: “I’m not sure if this is the gayest thing I’ve ever seen, or if it’s heterosexual in ways we cannot currently fathom.”