How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sandy Sanchez?

Those of you who don’t religiously follow comics set in Riverdale might be interested to learn that last week’s issue of Jughead’s Double Digest kicked off a “New Look” story where Jughead’s pals attempt to set him up with a girl so that he won’t feel left out on date night.

But there’s a very slight problem.

See, just like the previous New Look story–Betty & Veronica‘s Bad Boy Trouble–”The Matchmakers” introduces a new character as the catalyst for the story, but while the girls got juvenile delinquent Nick St. Clair, Jughead finds himself romantically entangled with Sandy Sanchez.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m all about Archie’s continuing attempts at diversifying Riverdale and she really does seem like a nice girl, and it’s entirely possible that ten years on the internet have given me a filthy, filthy mind, but Sandy Sanchez? Really? Nobody at Archie could think of any reason why that would be a bad idea?

Then again, since the target audience for the Archie books is–at least in theory–still unspoiled by this truly awful world in which we live, this might just be a case of the creators not even bothering to worry about this stuff, and if that’s the case, it opens up a whole new world of storytelling opportunities.

Thus, with a story based around Archie trying to give Jug the ol’ Sandy Sanchez out of the way, I turned to some friends of mine to find out what other stories we can expect from the Riverdale Crew in the future:

 

“Archie and the gang slug it out on the baseball field in a novel-length saga we had to call: THE UPPER-DECKERS.”
Mark Hale

“Jughead tries to restore a musical instrument he found at the Riverdale dump in a story we just had to call: THE RUSTY TROMBONE.”
Dr. K

“Archie has been getting saucy letters from Betty or Veronica, but which one? Read on to find out in, THE SNAIL TRAIL!”
Ken Lowery

“Archie and Jughead learn what life is like for little people in Riverdale in: THE GRUMPY MUNCHKIN.”
Mark Hale

“Moose is blocking the printer! Archie’s desperately trying to turn in a paper! Will he be able to makes Mrs Grundy Happy when there’s NO REACHAROUND?”
Kevin Church

“Experiments with electricity give the girls quite a buzz when Dilton shows them THE SHOCKER!”
Mark Hale

And my own:

“It’s the field hockey championship, but will a rivalry in sports tear a friendship apart? Find out when Betty & Veronica are: TWO GIRLS, ONE CUP!”

 

Thanks, guys. And to the rest of you, I am truly sorry.

53 thoughts on “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sandy Sanchez?

  1. Sorry for butting in, and I’m not proud of this, but…

    Archie’s article of mail-order clothing goes straight from Ohio to Veronics’a house by mistake! But wouldn’t Veronica look silly wearing A CINCINNATI BOW TIE!

    I apologize for this comment.

  2. Archie’s high-school is having a vote on the best kind of citrus fruit! Can the gang convince their peers to vote for the LEMON PARTY?

  3. I am proud that I have no clue what four of those are. And I think I have the willpower to resist looking them up.

    Well, three of them. The Grumpy Munchkin’s going to be a struggle.

  4. Archie’s long-lost Uncle from Ohio leaves him a steamboat in his will, so the Riverdale gang go to the water! Will Betty and/or Veronica be impressed by Archie’s CLEVELAND STEAMER?

  5. Can Archie and Jughead get their boat to the harbor safely? Find out in…”Archie and Jughead Docking!”

    Also, in this issue! Veronica’s attempt at working to remodel her parent’s bathroom to prove that she has a work ethic goes comically awry in…”Tubgirl” !

    Yeah, well, Chris’ is the clear winner, but I had to try.

  6. “The new kid at Riverdale High, Robert Seals, has set his sights on winning Veronica Lodge’s affections. And Ronnie seems willing to oblige. But Archie isn’t giving up that easy. Find out who wins the day in ARCHIE’S R. SEALS PROBLEM!”

    Maybe too obscure?

  7. Thanks to Dilton’s new flower-powered time machine, Archie and pals find themselves in the swinging 60′s! The only way they can get back home is to have everybody find and make a long string of flowers! But can Reggie, Veronica, Dilton, Betty and Archie cooperate long enough to make a giant DAISY CHAIN?

  8. Wow, I had to read all the way through the story and down to comment #16 to get to one that I’d actually heard of before. I feel all young and innocent.

  9. Turns out we are all too late. While I was looking at wiki, trying to find some references to make myself look clever (I just knew there had to be an obscure Pierre character somewhere), I found this fact:

    *The 1970′s soft-core porn movie “Hot Times” was loosely based of the Archie Gang.

    (I’m pretty sure they mean “on” the Archie Gang, but who am I to correct Wikipedia?)

  10. “It’s Prom! And Archie’s in charge of the refreshments. But when Archie accidentally makes a fruit drink with too much kick, things get out of control! What is the terrible secret of Archie’s DONKEY PUNCH?”

  11. While visiting a Dude Ranch, Veronica finds out that the worse she pretends to be at riding, the more attention she gets from the handsome ranch hand! It’s a rodeo of laughs in REVERSE COWGIRL!

  12. Midge Clump thought telling a few little white lies on the ski-hill would be harmless. But when she started having to craft bigger and bigger whoppers about her skiing skills to keep from getting caught she realized she was in SNOWBALLING TROUBLE!

  13. Uh-oh! There’s a new hottie in town, and he’s taking all of Betty and Veronica’s attention! All the girls in Riverdale (and even Jughead) seem to be in love with him, but Archie just can’t help think that there’s something mysterious about HOT CARL!

  14. I’m trying really, really hard to come up with something that ends in ALABAMA HOT POCKET!, but I’ve got nothing. Chris? Please?

  15. Ok, one last try:
    Uh-oh! It’s the season closer for Archie’s neighborhood baseball league, and the pressure’s on. He trusted Betty to wash his white uniform and lucky socks, and she put it with the colors! How will Archie be able to play with a PINK SOCK!?

  16. Archie and Jughead are mistaken for the usual crew on Pimp My Ride and must pimp out a ride or face Xzibit’s wrath! But how will they fare when it comes to the RIM JOB?

    Archie and Jughead welcome a French foreign exchange student who seems to bring them good fortune. This European Midas gets caught between the two friends in LUCKY PIERRE!

    When both Betty and Veronica are asked to cut and paste a collage each for the school arts fair it can only end in a girl on girl SCISSOR FIGHT!

    It’s Chinese New Year and Archie has accidentally upset the parading revelers! Watch as Riverdale’s favourite son comes face to face with an ANGRY DRAGON!

    Jughead gets a job working in the local vegetarian restaurant, which prepares its meals at your table! In front of the rest of the gang, will Jughead be able to TOSS HIS SALAD?

  17. Archie takes a job at Riverdale’s premier jewelery store, and the employee discount is tempting. Will Betty or Veronica get a PEARL NECKLACE?

  18. “It’s Halloween in Riverdale and Archie has come up with the best costume yet! An old cotton twill sheet with holes cut in it for eyes. He can’t wait to surprise the rest of the gang, but how will they feel about ARCHIE’S BOO KHAKI?!?”

    I have shame

  19. Archie and Jughead had a farm, ee i ee i o.
    And on their farm they have two goatse, ee i ee i o.

  20. For Archie’s explorers of the unknown series….

    Legend has it that a river of molten gold is located in South America!! Treasure hunters Veronica and Betty enlist Adventurer Archie’s help to find it, but when Jthe river takes a deadly turn into a 1000 foot waterfall, can the two girls survive

    Archie’s GOLDEN SHOWER?!?!

    I am so sorry….

  21. Everyone knows Archie’s got the fastest hot rod in town but — wouldn’t you know it? — his car breaks down just before the big race! Will Archie and the gang be able to find a replacement transmission in time? Find out in TRANNY CHASERS!

    Veronica plans on entering Riverdale’s big fashion show but there’s just one problem — she promised her mother she’d watch her prize-winning terriers this weekend! How can she get ready for the show while dealing with these pampered pooches? Find out when Veronica does it DOGGY STYLE!

  22. Personally I think this site is just about the best ad campaign for Archie Comics ever. Who know these things could be so hilarious?

  23. It’s just hours before the big game and Reggie and his gang are up to no good — they’ve stolen Archie’s lucky football helmet, forcing Jughead to team up with Dilton Doiley and seek it out, hidden somewhere in Reggie’s home.

    Will they find it in time and get it to Archie, to restore his confidence and win him the football game? Find out, in our newest issue, BACKDOOR BANDITS!

  24. Archie and Jughead need a summer job, so they turn to Mr. Lodge who asks them to work on his GLASS-BOTTOMED BOAT.

    Meanwhile, over in Betty and Veronica, they are on a health kick, and want to make sure that they get a HOT LUNCH each and every day.

    I can’t believe no one has suggested a crossover with STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE.

  25. There are no bad Andrew Dice Clay jokes, only bad rip-offs of Andrew Dice Clay jokes. You would do well to remember this in the future.

  26. Holy crap! Everyone saved the best one for me!

    “Golly, Jughead! Everybody’s going crazy for your new soft drink! What’s the secret ingredient?”

    “Forget it, Archie, I’ll never spill the beans on my DONKEY PUNCH!”

  27. Dilton’s latest invention provides plenty of laughs and crazy hijinks for Archie and the girls… until Mr. Weatherbee finds out about it, and they all end up HAVING A LOT OF GROUP SEX.

    Oh wait. Too subtle?

  28. A class field trip to Mr Lodge’s tea company leads Archie and the gang to a run-in with some high-tech thieves in “Archie’s TEABAGGING ADVENTURE”.

  29. It’s bake sale time, and everyone wants what Betty is cooking. What is the addictive secret ingredient in her STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE!

  30. Archie joins Riverdale’s air national guard to impress Ronnie and Betty. But does he have the right stuff to earn his RED WINGS?

  31. Archie’s attempt to prepare Thanksgiving dinner for the gang goes tragically awry, resulting in a fight with Jughead! Who will suffer… THE TURKEY SLAP?

  32. Exactly which issue is this?
    Jughead’s Double Digest 139?
    I couldn’t see it even in Amazon