In 1989, Lieutenant William “Mad Dog” Rizer was called before the Senate Military Investigations Committee to discuss his statements regarding the effectiveness of military operations in response to the Red Falcon invasion of the previous year. The following is a transcript of his testimony before Congress.
SENATOR JONATHAN PERKINS (R, TX): Please state your name for the record.
LIEUTENANT WILLIAM RIZER: Lieutenant Bill Rizer, United States Marine Corps. Codename “Mad Dog.”
SEN. PERKINS: Thank you, Lieutenant. And before we get started, I’d like to commend you for your actions during the conflict. Purple Heart, Medal of Honor… Says here you received the citation for valor almost thirty times, is that correct?
LT. RIZER: Yes sir.
SEN. PERKINS: Well I thank you, and your country thanks you for your service, Lieutenant.
LT. RIZER: It was an honor to serve, sir. I just wish things could’ve gone a little differently.
SENATOR ELIZABETH VAN HOUSEN (D, MA): Yes, about that. Would you care to outline your opinions for us?
LT. RIZER: To put it bluntly, Senator, we were simply not prepared for what we encountered over the course of the Red Falcon conflict.
SEN. VAN HOUSEN: And by “we,” you mean…?
LT. RIZER: Me and Lance–that is, Sgt. Bean.
SENATOR ARTHUR WEATHERTON (R, NM): With all due respect, Lieutenant, I fail to see how the failure to equip two Marines necessitates a Congressional investigation. Why haven’t we heard from the rest of the soldiers involved in the operation?
LT. RIZER: Because Lance and I were the total forces committed to the Red Falcon conflict, Senator.
SEN. WEATHERTON: … Oh. Carry on.
LT. RIZER: Right. Now, I know that at the time of our deployment, resources were already committed to providing support for the Bionic Commando project, but sending two men to fight an entire army of technologically advanced aliens… I can’t imagine that America needed to close the grapple-arm gap that badly. And our equipment was… well, it was sub-par.
SEN. VAN HOUSEN: It says in our files that you were not issued body armor, is that correct?
LT. RIZER: No ma’am, that’s a misprint.
SEN. VAN HOUSEN: So you were issued body armor?
LT. RIZER: No ma’am. We weren’t even issued shirts. But that wouldn’t have been such an issue if we hadn’t been given substandard weaponry.
SEN. WEATHERTON: Oh not this again. Wily Robotics is a perfectly fine arms man–
LT. RIZER: Senator, I’m sorry to interrupt, but that’s not the issue here. I’ve heard the stories of Wily Robotics being offered a no-bid contract for defense manufacturing just like everyone else, but it’s your job to determine the truth of that matter. It’s my job to present the facts as I see them, and I’ll tell your right now that the WR-88 was not suited to a combat action of this nature. It’s a single shot rifle, Senator. I’m not sure if you’ve ever served, but if you have, I’d be interested in hearing you explain to me how one man with a single-shot rifle is supposed to assault a fortress like this.
SEN. PERKINS: We were assured that advanced weapons were provided for you at various points.
LT. RIZER: Yeah, well, I don’t know who came up with the idea of loading guns into giant metal footballs and firing them out of a cannon on a Destroyer anchored a mile offshore, but it actually works out pretty poorly in practice. And even if it had worked, the guns themselves were… Well, they were no good. The assault rifle should’ve been standard equipment, and the laser…
[Lt. Rizer picks up a Wily Robotics LG-88 and pulls the trigger, causing a laser beam to inch out of the barrel for less than two feet.]
LT. RIZER: Senator, I was trained on a MARS Corporation Model 21, and the fact that this is the weapon that replaced it… It’s criminal. Simply criminal.
SEN. VAN HOUSEN: You say you also have issues with your training?
LT. RIZER: Yes ma’am.
SEN. VAN HOUSEN: How so?
LT. RIZER: I don’t place the blame for any failure in this area on the men who trained me. They are good soldiers to a man, and their training is the only reason I’m sitting here today. It’s a failure of intelligence on the part of brass if it’s anything. I was trained to face infantrymen, non-traditional enemy combatants… I was even taught how to take out an APC if the situation came up. But the things I saw in that jungle… Nobody ever told me how to fight stuff like that.
SEN. WEATHERTON: Can you be more specific?
SEN. VAN HOUSEN: Ground Vaginas?
LT. RIZER: Yes ma’am. Ground Vaginas.
LT. RIZER: With teeth. That’s… that’s how they got Lance. I tried to hold them off, but…
SEN. PERKINS: I think we’ve heard enough. We’ll break here. Thank you, Lieutenant.
LT. RIZER: Thank you, Senator.
Following Lt. Rizer’s testimony, Sgt. Lance “Scorpion” Bean was posthumously awarded the Medal of Honor. Legislation was later passed ensuring that in any future conflicts, soldiers would at least be issued shoulder pads.