25 thoughts on “Frequently Asked Questions of the Hyborian Age, Vol. 1

  1. Nice backhand, but he should have kept his fingers together for maximum Aparo-ness. It’s all about the technique, Conan!

  2. I’m still fuzzy on the whole “Who in Ishtar’s name he thinks he is?” issue. Is he saying he’s the tooth fairy? Now this mystery will be hanging over me until I get that Chronicles of Conan v15; perhaps then I will know who in Ishtar’s name he thinks he is.

  3. Ironically, Ishtar = Cimmerian god of dental readjustment.

  4. I also dig that Cimmerian pimp-slaps make permanent changes to ones’ visage.

  5. The guy slapped looks like Conan’s uglier twin brother. Very impressive chin. It juts out like a full five inches from his profile.

    Also, this scene would be twice as awesome if we panned out and saw that Conan was simply asking for a free refill on his soft drink or something. It’s really quite amazing how in Hyborean society people constantly felt compelled to dick around with a homicidal barbarian.

    You’d think the deeply sunken eyes, the grimace, the enormous pectoral muscles, and the four foot long battle axe strapped to his back would occasionally give people pause. Yet it somehow never does.

  6. Alan, you’re right! Or maybe that was Conan totally blowing his line in the Aquilonian production of “Oliver Twist”:

    ‘Prithee, sirrah, mayhap I may have some more?’
    ‘MORE! WHAT! Who in Ishtar’s name do you think you are?’
    POW!
    ‘Now hand over your godsbedamned stew, toothless, lest thy gonads be next…’

  7. 10 reasons you would not want to have Conan as a next door neighbor…

    1. say Conan, your grass is getting kind of high and -arrrrrrrggg.

    2.Conan, I don’t like to complain, but your Yak has eaten my Azalias and -aieeeeee.

    3. Conan, you’ve got indoor plumbing, you don’t need to -urrrrrrrrggggg.

    4. Conan, your drunken Cimmerian relatives have defiled my daughter and -nooooooooourk.

    5. Ah, Conan, I can’t help but notice that my fence-line has appeared to move 4 feet closer to my house and, -say, are those my testicles? My, you ARE quick.

    6. Gee, Conan, your seige engines appear to be blocking my driveway, do you think -ohgooooooodnoooooooooooo.

    7. I know thoth-amon is your arch-enemy and all, but could you ask him to be a little more careful on his spell casting. My house has filled up with venomous reptiles and -aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhg.

    8. Nice Halloween decorations Conan, those skulls on Pikes look almost real and, oh. My. Uh, I’ll just put uh, put my candy in this plastic pumpkin for the kids, now. Yes.

    9. Actually Conan, I think he really was here to read the meter and was not in fact a spy for Kush, but yes, his intestines do drape nicely over the rose bushes.

    10. It was bad enough that you’ve taken my wife as your concubine, but did you have to barbeQue the dog? That’s really barbaric- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIeeeeeGodPleaseHelpMeeeeeeee.

  8. You’d think the deeply sunken eyes, the grimace, the enormous pectoral muscles, and the four foot long battle axe strapped to his back would occasionally give people pause.

    Not to mention the bits of jewelled thrones still stuck in his sandals. Those’ve got to hurt. No wonder his brow is so sullen all of the time.

  9. I think I read a missing scene just like this one from “Hamlet: The Director’s Cut” when Polonius was bitchslapped by the prince for asking where he’d been the previous night.

  10. Strangely enough, none of those teeth belong to that guy – the other ones are from the last three dumbasses who asked Conan the Barbarian who he thought he was. Now he just keeps them to chuck backhanded at people… the next time someone asks him, there’ll be four.