With last month’s release of #12, the Marvel adaptation of Guilty Pleasures drew to a close, finally ending the easy target for outright disdain source of the ISB’s most prestigious academic pursuit, but it looks like it’s coming to an end.
I’ve prepared my research, locked up the vice cabinet and for one last time, I’m ready to delve into the mysteries of Laurenn J. Framingham’s vampirotica masterwork. And it occurs to me that in the two years since the Research Department first began exploring the intricacies of the Anita Blake comics, I’ve outlasted a writer, an artist, and a publisher, so I guess the only question left is whether I can outlast Framingham herself.
I guess we’ll find out together.
Grab your own copy and follow along!
Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter: Guilty Pleasures #11
1.1: Those of you who haven’t dulled your memories with the sweet release of Lady Booze might recall that when we last left Our Alleged Heroine and her Kid Sidekick Eddie, seen here about to go back-to-back like Jack Blades and Tommy Shaw in the video for “High Enough”…
…they were in the throes of Mortal Peril. Unfortunately, given that we’ve got twenty-one pages left in this issue alone, I’m forced to assume that they make it out alive.
1.6: According to her narration, Anita is currently being menaced by a bunch of ghouls. Judging by this panel, however…
…I think she’s actually in danger of being mutilated by the Werewolves of London. And their hair is perfect.
2.5: You know, for a guy who’s supposed to be a badass vampire-slaying assassin known only as “Death,” Edward sure is quick to settle on suicide as the solution to being bothered by creatures that are usually scared off by a stern warning. I mean, he doesn’t even want to kill himself in the most badass way possible or anything.
3.5:
In this panel, it’s revealed that Anita can’t figure out that setting a rickety wooden shed full of gasoline on fire would make it burn quickly. Just to clarify here, she is our protagonist.
6.2:
Hmm. Say, Dr. Banner, you want to handle this one?
Bruce Banner, everybody. Let’s give him a hand.
6.6: In this scene, we find that Anita’s made arrangements to meet with the Wererat King at Denny’s at 1:30 AM. Now, I’ve been to Denny’s at 1:30, and while I can confirm that it’s exactly the kind of place where one would expect to encounter eldritch horrors, they tend to be limited to local White Wolf Games enthusiasts.
8.4: Is this the King of the Wererats, or Saved By the Bell super-hunk Mario “A.C. Slater” Lopez?
U-DECIDE!
11.3: You know, it seems like there was something really distinctive about the Wererat King, but I just can’t remember what it–
Oh, right! He’s a Nevernude
Huh. That would actually be pretty awesome.
16.1-16.6: I realize that while I try to keep an academically neutral tone, my annotations for this series can often come off as negative or even scornful at times. So in the interest of fairness, I’d just like the point out that this…
…is actually a pretty good page, and with the smirking vampire ending up in a huge Evil Dead-ish bloodspray, it makes a good sight gag and a decent action sequence.
Also, this marks the first time in the series thus far that Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter has actually killed a vampire. And it only took eleven and a half issues.
18.4: Oh man, this is fantastic.
Nikolaos the 12 year-old girl vampire master? Tired. Nikolaos the 12 year-old girl vampire master who rolls around in a hot pink 80s-style party dress with a ginormous bow in her hair and holy crap are those legwarmers?! That‘s a villain I want to read about.
Man, between this and that last panel, maybe things are starting to turn up for this series after all!
21.1: Hey everybody, it’s Phil–wait just a Goddamn minute! Didn’t he die last issue?! I mean, I realize that this is a story about zombies and vampires, but since it’s also a murder mystery, I assumed character death would have some sort of meaning that wouldn’t be played for maudlin sympathy. Surely I’m mistaken, let me just check my notes here…
Finally, there’s something in this story that elicits an emotional reaction, although I’m not sure “relief†is what Framingham was going for. In any case, given the fact that we’ve a) seen a body, and b) heard Anita say that he’s is dead four times in the span of two pages, I have nothing but confidence that Phillip has shuffled loose this mortal coil and certainly won’t be showing up again in the next issue.
I mean, that would just be sloppy.
Son of a… Man. This can’t possibly get any worse.
21.4:
What.
21.5:
Oh no. No no no no no.
Look, I’ve read a lot of bad comics in my time. I mean, I’ve got a full run of Tarot, so I think it’s safe to say that my tolerance is pretty high, but there is no way in Hell I’m going to read a comic where there’s a plot point involving a vampire in the body of a twelve year-old girl having sex with the rotting corpse of a male stripper, and fuck you for making me type that.
That’s it. I’m done. You win, Fram–
22.7:
No. I didn’t come this far just to quit at the finish line. I ain’t done yet, you hear me? One more round.
Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter: Guilty Pleasures #12
1.3: Okay. Okay. Keep it together, Sims. Just twenty-two more pages to get through. Seriously, though…
…that bow is incredible.
2.2: Here at the Research Department, Nikolaos has been a pretty prominent source of… Well, let’s just call it “consternation” and move on. With this panel, though, we believe that at least one question about her origins has been answered:
Nikolaos… is actually Miss Frost.
4.6: And now, Burchard has a Katana.
Admittedly, Guilty Pleasures the novel was originally published in 1993, a dizzy, pre-Matrix time in which the katana as your super-cool ultimate weapon hadn’t been run into the ground by anybody except Akira Kurosawa
6.1: You know, it occurs to me that ever since Ron Lim came on the book as the new penciler and slimmed Anita’s thighs down to a closer approximation of a human being that all that extra weight seems to have migrated… up.
10.1: Another interesting art fact: Rather than an actual person, Zachary’s appearance in this panel is modeled after the “Screaming Egon” action figure from the Ghostbusters cartoon line:
13.1: And now, a brief lesson in comedic theory. This is funny:
15.2: This is not.
17.2: In any sensible comic book, the scene above would’ve been our last-panel freeze-frame cut-to-credits finish, but, well, this is Anita Blake, and nothing’s ever that easy here. So instead, it’s time once again to prepare for trouble…
…and make it double.
Yes, it’s Jean-Claude, who insists on being a main character in this trainwreck despite the fact that he hasn’t shown up in like eight issues. In any case, the next few pages are devoted solely to the fact that he is allegedly very handsome, and while I didn’t even think it was possible, I care less now than I did when I started.
And I don’t have to, because…
22.6
I DIDN’T HEAR NO BELL.
Wow. My head hurts just reading the reviews. I don’t know how you made it through 12 actual issues of this.
I tip my hat to you, sir.
Beutiful. You can rest now brave soul.
Screaming Egon!!!
Mr. Sims, you are the man.
Look on the bright side, Chris- Marvel may decide to follow up this (ahem) masterwork by adapting The Laughing Corpse, Framingham’s second Anita Blake novel. Wouldn’t that be fun?
Dear God. It was like reading a primer on how to torture souls in Tarterus. If only there were a way that all of this could be wiped away, a la Men in Black, then maybe we could retain some of our sanity. But as it is now, I’m glad it’s over. America can finally rest…
so they didn’t go pedophilic in the novel right, I mean I’m just assuming.
These annotations are born of evil and joy. Thank you for bearing the cross of Laurenn J. Frammingham readership in our stead, Chris Sims.
there is no way in Hell I’m going to read a comic where there’s a plot point involving a vampire in the body of a twelve year-old girl having sex with the rotting corpse of a male stripper, and fuck you for making me type that.
I’m sorry, but I can hardly wait until you have to deal with the later books in the series in comic form, assuming Marvel ever loses their fucking minds long enough to make them. All the later books make the first few volumes look like models of grace, logic, restraint and *SHUDDER* prudishness. If you want a taste of your future, Penny Arcade sums it up neatly.
Oh, how I’ve been hoping for an undead Victreebell to show up…
Victoreebell? Give me a break.
Koffing, man. Koffing.
I’d have to agree with Mister Sims and go with Victreebell. Or perhaps a vampiric Meowth.
“Also, this marks the first time in the series thus far that Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter has actually killed a vampire. And it only took eleven and a half issues.”
She’ll hunt ’em for eleven and a half, but she’ll catch ’em, and she’ll kill ’em for twelve.
You fuckers . . . you fuckers think this shit is shit?
Man, let me point you people to Terry “Ayn Rand is the best author publishing today” Goodkind, and his Sword of Truth series.
http://sandstormreviews.blogspot.com/2006/08/goodkind-parodies.html
Read the exerpts, if you dare to see pointless gangbangs, monsters with spiked dicks having sex with evil women, more rape than Japan’s annual pornography exports, 8 year old girls getting kicked in the jaw, peaceful protestors armed “only with their hatred for moral clarity” being slaughtered presented as good, and more strawmen than a scarecrow warehouse that serves the entire world’s scarecrow needs.
Come on, Mike. Koffing doesn’t care where he smokes. He’ll light up anywhere, anytime, in front of anybody. That’s bad. Real bad.
Terry Goodkind is a bad author, yes. Possibly the worst. But no one has been stupid enough to transfer is fevered brain-musings to the comic page.
On the other hand, some marketing genius at Marvel thought “Anita Blake + Art = $$$$,” and thus opened up the pits of hell to Chris Sims’ suffering. That is what makes this comic so ‘orribly bad.
Terry Goodkind. Now there’s a name to conjure with. In superior jurisdiction Court.
” Terry Goodkind is a bad author, yes. Possibly the worst. But no one has been stupid enough to transfer is fevered brain-musings to the comic page.”
Oh, give it time…just give it time.
6.6: In this scene, we find that Anita’s made arrangements to meet with the Wererat King at Denny’s at 1:30 AM. Now, I’ve been to Denny’s at 1:30, and while I can confirm that it’s exactly the kind of place where one would expect to encounter eldritch horrors, they tend to be limited to local White Wolf Games enthusiasts.
Hey! Sometimes we went to Perkins. Their food was marginally better…
I want to point out that because Andrew W mentioned it, some comics editor is going to read, and decide to publish it. For which I will hate Andrew forever…
On the other hand I’m bettign they’d be able to get Ditko out of seclusion to write it, so thats KINDA a plus…
You are a hero, Chris!
I can only salute your efforts in staying with a comic that defies belief. Poor Ron Lim – Silver Surfer, various Infinity based shenanigans and now this. Who did he piss off so badly at Marvel to end up drawing this. No matter how severe your pain Chris, his was tenfold.
“Look on the bright side, Chris- Marvel may decide to follow up this (ahem) masterwork by adapting The Laughing Corpse, Framingham’s second Anita Blake novel. Wouldn’t that be fun?”
if i misremember correctly, there was a splash page at the end of issue 12 promising that very thing in October…
I’d just like to point out that while the link does point to the most hardcore-manly actual suicide, the George Romero film ‘Diary of the Dead’ contains quite possibly the most hardcore-manly fictional suicide (which would, of course, be germane to a fictional comic book series.)
In it, a man impales a scythe through his own face in order to get at the zombie behind him that is biting his neck.
The best part? This man is Amish.
You are now freaking out.
The article about that suicide included:
Approximately, 70 surrounding apartments
…
… “chainsaw wound to the neck.â€
[paragraph]
Better known as a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Is this really by a professional writer?
Sign me up also for ‘Warren Zevon: Vampire Hunter’.
(Zevon once toyed with the idea of turning his album ‘The Envoy’ into a kung-fu movie starring himself. That would have worked too.)
Chris, you have truely suffered enough. Unlock that liquor cabinet!
if i misremember correctly, there was a splash page at the end of issue 12 promising that very thing in October…
There is. I was going to mock up a teaser ad for The Annotated Anita Blake v.2, but I was tired. I’ll get to it one of these days.
Question: In the comment on the image from Page 1, Panel 1 of #11, you say ‘If only the Nuge was there to save them with his bullet-deflecting rock.’
But as far as I can tell, Anita and Eddie’s foes aren’t carrying firearms. So were you suggesting it would be good for Ted Nugent to appear and defend the zombies (is that what those are?) from our supposed heroes? That would be great.
Zombie/Werewolf/Vampire/Just Plain Ted Nugent shows up to protect these monsters that just want to rock/eat brains from the oppressive Vampire Hunter Authority figures. As an added bonus, that could have ended the series at least one issue earlier (because really, could Anita Blake possibly survive against Ted Nugent?)
That’s what I like about these posts. They make people think.
“I got your message…preppie.”
I just did a spit take. Hilarious.
– BR
15.2: This is not.
This looks astonishingly like the final panel in one of those old 70s Hostess pastries ads. E.g.:
http://www.tomheroes.com/Comic%20Ads/hostess%20ads/superman_spy.htm
Though in the Anita Blake panel, Ding-Dongs would be more appropriate.
They’re making a Sword of Truth television series. A comic could be on the horizon, and then you’ll all be wishing for the good old days of Anita “Mary Sue” Blake.
If Marvel had any balls, they’d print out these annotations, put ’em on glossy paper, throw in a intro by Fraction and a varient cover by the zombie-art dude, and market them as the “Official Marvel Anita Blake Encyclopedia.”
Alas, they have no juevos, so my mother-in-law will never know how fundamentally wrong she is to ever have read this crap.
And by crap I mean the Anita Blake crap, not your crap, Chris. Just wanted to be clear.
But… is that Mario Lopez, or A. C. Slater?
Do a Youtube search for “28 Days Slater.” You’ll thank me later.
“I don’t want to be Elfstar! I want to be Debbie!”
Yikes, a Jack Chick tract quote, from DARK DUNGEONS!
I hate to tell you guys, but I’ve heard that there is definitely a Terry Goodkind comic book on the horizon, adapted from the novels. Be afraid.
And Chris… you do realize that if the second collection of Anita Blake sells as well as the first, that they’ll likely adapt the next novel in the series, right?
:-P
My God man. . .what kind of heinous sin did you commit in a past life to warrant this level of atonement? Whatever it is it had to be horrible, just. . .just horrible. . .brrrrr. . .
Stac
Now to place these annotations in a time capsule and bury them, so that future generations may know no matter how much comics suck in their own lifetime, there was once an Anita Blake LTD. And people bought it.
I hate to tell you guys, but I’ve heard that there is definitely a Terry Goodkind comic book on the horizon, adapted from the novels. Be afraid.
I anticipate Mr. A vs. Richard Rahl in a battle for most has the most moral clarity.
Hm… so no more Spidey Super Stories and (for now) no more Annotated Anita Blake: Vampire Groupie.
What are we going to do from now ’til October? Our jobs?
Hopefully any Goodkind adaptation will feature the sequence with the killer demonic chicken. Its comedy gold.
http://www.journalfen.net/users/waltraute/4244.html
“Behold the Abs of NIMH!”
Have I told you lately how awesome you are, Mr. Sims? Because you are.
I really liked how your pointed out how stupid the main character is. And a lot of those lines were lame. The best scene I saw was when Anita FINALLY killed a vampire. Of course, the vampire would have been smart and more fearsome had he tossed Edward’s body at Anita before she could fire the shotgun.
But then, LKH is famously known for making dumb, easy-to-kill villains who always have sex on the brain.
Um…I hate to be the one to share the bad with you, but they are DEFINITELY doing THE LAUGHING CORPSE next. It makes one want to weep. Check her official site with her blog for details.
Yes. I know. I have actually mentioned that in this very comment thread. I say bring it on.
What, was a “This is my BOOM stick” quote too easy?
And check it out: 12.6.6: First sabertooth, now a Guest cameo by Xavier.
I’m loving it