The SuicideGirls™ Annual: Just Don’t Do It!

You know, at first glance, one would think that comic books, which are a primarily visual medium in which the action drives a story to an often-repetitive and predictable climax, would be a natural match with pornography, in which the “action” drives the “story” to an often-repetitive and predictable climax. In practice, though, unless you’re Colleen Coover or Phil Foglio, the combination of the erotic and sequential arts tends to fall somewhere between “flat” and “atrocious.”

Case in point:

 

The Hack Slash/SuicideGirls™ Annual

 

Released a couple of weeks ago to high acclaim from… well, nobody really, this one combines a fictional scantily clad goth girl with a bunch of real-but-fictionalized scantily clad goth girls to create a Möbius strip of pornographic horror that is without question the most exploitative comic book I have ever had in my house. And in case you forgot during my week off, I own a full run of Tarot.

I’ve mentioned my feelings about Hack/Slash before, but in case you missed it, here’s the short version: I’ve given it a shot before and, while I acknowledge that as someone who doesn’t really like horror movies that aren’t about guys named Woody Invincible and Crazy Bee it’s probably just Not For Me, it’s always struck me as a book that can’t figure out whether it wants to be a legitimate horror title or a parody. And as we all know from Mr. Miyagi, walk in middle, sooner or later get squish like grape. Still, I actually do think Tim Seeley’s a pretty good artist, and he’s managed to make a career out of drawing a half-naked punk chick hitting monsters with a baseball bat, so, you know, more power to him. He’s livin’ the dream.

SuicideGirls™, however… Well, since you’re reading this on the Internet, I’m just going to go ahead and assume that you’re already familiar and skip the explanation and get right to the part where I admit that it’s also not my thing. Don’t get me wrong: I can assure you that I like looking at pictures naked girls even more than the next guy, but I don’t feel any particular need to rationalize my enjoyment by billing it as a subculture, and pretending that there’s a connection between me and the naked girl because we both like Iron Maiden is a little too much of buying into the fantasy. And trust me, folks: I read comic books. I know from buying into a fantasy.

So needless to say, the result isn’t exactly chocolate and peanut butter.

The plot goes a little something like this: Tim Seeley woke up one morning and said “You know what? Fuck it, I’m drawing Cassie Hack naked,” and then proceeded to do so with an SG™-style “photoset” in which she’s in a laundromat, stabs a guy, and then strips down to wash her bloodied clothes. And to be fair, it’s pretty well-drawn, despite the fact that most of them are drawings overlaid onto actual photographs of a laundromat for some reason, presumably because “backgrounds” ranked pretty low on the list of priorities with the rest of the non-breast aspects of the picture. Even so, if I wasn’t so sure it was meant to be taken so seriously, it’d be an incredibly accurate riff on the actual SG™ sets, right down to the little story that takes place sequentially.

What? Just because It’s not my thing doesn’t mean I haven’t looked. A guy has to be sure about these things.

Anyway, seems like I’m forgetting something here. Oh, right: There’s also 36 pages of story before that that explains the in-story reason for the set, which is that there’s a supernatural bad guy killing the SuicideGirls™ models, and, as you might expect, Cassie has to go undercover and uncovered in order to lure him out. Ahh. Empowering.

Tonight’s villain is played by Some Dude Named Ian, who has what is quite possibly the best/worst/best again super-villain dialogue of the new Willennium:

 

 

Hey, wait a second! That’s not Some Guy Named Ian! That’s turn-of-the-century Internet humorist/River City Ransom fan Seanbaby!

 

 

If only we had known the horrors that playing Bible Adventures would unleash on the world of alt-porn…

Also, it’s at this point that the factual inaccuracies start to appear:

 

 

PROTIP: Writing about Guitar Wolf will not actually make hot goth girls want to have sex with you. Trust me.

Needless to say, Ian’s a raving maniac who decides to express his creativity through murder, and when he tries it on the above Guitar Wolf fan, he ends up being electrocuted, which has the nasty side effect of transferring his evil soul into a USB drive he’s carrying, I shit you not, that is what happens.

Admittedly, I’m sure the absurdity of it’s completely on purpose, and it’s well in keeping with the slasher flick aesthetic that Seeley’s going for, but for the sequence of events that leads into the comic-book counterparts of actual people getting horrifically murdered, it seems a little weird. Or maybe I just take these things too seriously, which, since we’re 844 words into the post at this point, is the far more likely option.

In any case, before long, it’s Cassie to the rescue, and while she initially balks at stripping for the camera, she comes around after a convincing speech on the nature of personal freedom that’s worthy of later-era Bobby Donnell:

 

 

So convincing, in fact, that this would be adopted as the national ethos of the Hawkmen of Mongo. For an entirely different connotation, however, imagine the exact same speech delivered by a leering Jackie Treehorn.

Of course, needs must when the devil drives, and when there’s a ghost rolling around in Instant Messenger making models kill themselves–because they’re SuicideGirls™, GET IT?!–desperate times call for getting naked. And to make a long story short (too late) it works, and everything eventually works out okay when Cassie’s able to stab the model Ian’s currently possessing right in the tattooed rack, which you’d think would’ve been listed under the “potential negative results” heading in the above speech.

Thus, with the body count capped at a respectable four, the story proper ends with Cassie giving her profits from the photo set to the homeless, because the only thing that’s better than imaginary porn is imaginary charity.

 

 

Oh Hulk Hands. You make everything better!

39 thoughts on “The SuicideGirls™ Annual: Just Don’t Do It!

  1. That’s turn-of-the-century Internet humorist/River City Ransom fan Seanbaby!

    You heard it here first, kids: an obsession with comic book Hostess Ads will eventually lead to a trail of bodies.

    And your soul in a 4GB thumb drive.

  2. Love recognizes no boundaries, genders or nationalities … or good taste. Let’s rescue our blood-brother, Ace. Rock and roll!

  3. So…if alternative models don’t take of their clothes for ethically questionable websites, the terrorists win?

  4. While writing about Guitar Wolf may not make hot goth girls want to sleep with you, talking loudly about PJ Harvey on a train can make a hot kinda-goth-in-a-way girl (hair was blue at the time and she likes PJ, but missed the concert) pissed off with you enough to remember your voice months later at a pub. We’re married now. Also Rachel (wife’s name), as I’ve mentioned here before, introduced me to Guitar Wolf, so there’s that too.

    A friend of mine’s band, The Exploders, played a suicide girl gig once. They were really looking forward to it, but it turned out lame and `just like any other strip show you’ve ever been too, only with less blonds, slightly better- but still not really sexy- music and really not that many more tatoos’.

    Also, welcome back from your holiday.

  5. While we’re on the subject, can they really call themselves SuicideGirls if they don’t actually make an effort to kill themselves? If there’s no corpse, then they’re not really SuicideGirls, they’re just girls.

  6. Sod the SuicideGirls, the Lebowski link gave me a bloody great start to the day – that and reminding all and sundry that Doom is a man apart.

    Just say “no” to nudity girls.

    Then say “oh, alright then” afterwards

  7. I remain convinced that the best use of SuicideGirls in comics is Nextwave. The dread Rorkannu, you see, wants SuicideGirls. Also, one hundred of the Earth Dollars.

  8. Speaking of Guitar Wolf, I was shocked to learn that he plays guitar on the Cartoon Network “Teen Titans” theme. He even makes a cameo in the video for it!

    Strangely, they emphasize the autograph from Joan Jett on the back of his leather jacket as he turns and walks away after the guitar solo.

  9. it turned out lame and `just like any other strip show you’ve ever been too

    I look forward to the day when I’ve seen so many naked women that I can honestly say the above sentence without any sarcasm.

    Somehow, I doubt it will come soon.

  10. No wait, you can’t end the review there. I NEED to know what the deal with Hulk Hand is. wtf?

  11. see, it’s rubber, and since the bad guy was electric, it meant he couldn’t affect her. basic cartoon science.

  12. Jhota, in a comic book dedicated to the SuicideGirls *that* was the only piece of rubber clothing they could find?

  13. “And your soul in a 4GB thumb drive.”

    You kids and your inflated storage space. My soul fits onto a single sided 5 1/4″ with room left over for Commander Keen.

    I know I’m probably the only one but when I look at SuicideGirls I can’t help but think of what they’ll be like ten or fifteen years down the road. I try to work out which ones will be trying to continue their lives but are constantly embarrassed when their past at SuicideGirls is dug up and which ones will still be desperately trying to hang on to that image despite being worn out by the time they’re thirty. Goths have nothing on how bleak I am.

  14. I’m amazed the SG defenders out there haven’t started attacking folks on this thread already. The second someone even suggests that SG could be porn, they tend to get all huffy.

    Postmodern take on classic pin-up imagery? Yes.

    Millennium era redefinition of sexiness? Sure.

    Porn site? Well, people are paying monthly fees to look naked ladies for the purposes of sexual gratification, aren’t they?

  15. Awww, Seanbaby … man I used to spend hours on end just reading the photo captions on his website! Then he kinda just stopped updating it.

  16. Thank GOD I’m not the only one who remembers Seanbaby. That sight was a freakin’ phenomenon among me and my friends when we were in high school.

    What? The Internet was still new.

  17. He still writes monthly in a well known gaming magazine.

    It makes sense he’s still remembered.

  18. For real “drawings overlaid onto actual photographs of a laundromat” action, check out Knuffle Bunny by Mo Willems. (Currently my 15 month old daughter’s favorite book and if she grows up to be a “Suicide Girl” I’m taking all of you down with me.)It might also help rinse your brain clean of this gem of a comic.

  19. I’m writing a heartfelt TV movie about the Suicide Girls.

    Here’s a preview:

    RAVYNN: One day, maybe, when we’ve learned the true meaning of friendship and love, we’ll finally be Suicide…Women.
    (RAVYNN, RAVE INN, CHRISTIE AND RAY VENN hug, cry)

  20. This line caused me physical pain.
    he ends up being electrocuted, which has the nasty side effect of transferring his evil soul into a USB drive he’s carrying, I shit you not, that is what happens.

    But then I got to thinking, screw the televangelists and the medical establishment! All you really need for immortality is a USB drive, an electrical outlet, and a fork!

    It must be true, it’s in a comic book.

  21. ““And your soul in a 4GB thumb drive.”

    You kids and your inflated storage space. My soul fits onto a single sided 5 1/4″ with room left over for Commander Keen.”

    Yes, but Seanbaby is a complicated man with big dreams.

  22. But then I got to thinking, screw the televangelists and the medical establishment! All you really need for immortality is a USB drive, an electrical outlet, and a fork!

    It must be true, it’s in a comic book.

    Only works if your soul is evil, though.

    Better get crushing those puppies!

  23. You know, I once went through your archives and saw that you said that someday you would to an A-Z guide to comic book pornography. Still waiting on that.

    At least you know the Foglios are good.

  24. I did some more reading, and apparently Hack/Slash had an earlier crossover with Lakeshore Strangler and child’s plaything Chuckie. Given that this series is basically about a girl who goes from town to town solving mysteries with occasional guest stars, it stands to reason that Hack/Slash is just an updated version of The New Scooby Doo Movies, which means that the SuicideGirls are the new Harlem Globetrotters. And because that analogy forced me to put SG and the Globetrotters in the same part of my brain, I am consequently picturing Curly Neal on the court in PVC bootsm a feather boa, and a black and pink “Hot Topic” version of the Globetrotter uniform. I hate my mind.

  25. You know, I once went through your archives and saw that you said that someday you would to an A-Z guide to comic book pornography.

    I would, but it would require reliving once again The Worst Thing I Have Seen In American Comics.

  26. BTW, welcome back. Hope you had a nice vacation. Glad I didn’t bother to check the site at work today.

  27. Didn’t know the annual had come out. Now I’ve got a nice little note made to add it to the Hack/Slash things I need to own.

    Well, really, just extra ontop of the Omnibus.

    But it sounds deliciously warped cheesy and sweet.

  28. To be fair Nick Cave shows and Guitar Wolf shows are good places to meet hot goth girls