The Worst of Netflix: Superstarlet A.D.

 

 

This week, postapocalyptic burlesque is not as good as it sounds:

 

Every good movie starts with a filmmaker asking a question: “What if a lone cop had to fight terrorists in a skyscraper?” “What would a Raymond Chandler story look like if it starred an aging burnout in 1991?” “What if we created a new martial art that combined the skill of gymnastics with the kill of karate?” Each of these is the foundation to a work of cinematic genius.

Unfortunately, the makers of Superstarlet A.D. asked a question too, and from what I can tell from watching it, theirs was “What if we made a movie out of a SuicideGirl’s dream journal?”

 

I never thought I’d hit a Fake Tor Johnson that I didn’t like, but, well, here we are.

7 thoughts on “The Worst of Netflix: Superstarlet A.D.

  1. Hunh. When I saw your tweet about it being a Suicide Girl’s dream journal, I just assumed it was going to be SuicideGirls Must Die! Which I can only assume is also one star.

  2. Disappointed! I never get to see my “dream questions” made into movies:

    – “What if some Middle Eastern dictator built a secret underground base from which he threatened to blow up the oil wells of Arabia unless his demands to get his own giant robotic exoskeleton were met, and the only one who could stop him was a butt-kicking scientist played by that Goth chick from NCIS?”

    – “What if there was just ONE zombie in the world, who had to run for his un-life from the hateful hordes of the living, who would turn him into a living human if he was bitten by them?”

    – “What if a snake (not a cartoon or a Jim Henson puppet, and actual snake) could talk, and fire a rocket launcher, and rob a bank — how would the cops stop him?”

    – “What if there were an alternate universe where SuicideGirls, Achmed the Dead Terrorist and Sarah Palin had never existed?”

  3. Surprise comics connection! The director, John Michael McCarthy, used to draw a comic for Fantagraphics called Kid Anarchy.

    Also, he once directed a music video that was mostly a woman in a Confederate flag bikini dancing in front of explosions. I have no idea if it was meant to be funny or not.

  4. “What would a Raymond Chandler story look like if it starred an aging burnout in 1991?”

    I’m going to kick myself, but I just cannot place this one.

  5. I enjoy your heavy.com work, but I’m always afraid to click on the other ads and featured content. I can’t tell what’s SFW.

    “Raymond Chandler with an aging burnout” — took me a minute, too. That’s one of four movies I’ve ever seen twice in the theater.