FINALLY!
Some of you may have forgotten that I am, in fact, History’s Greatest Villain (since 2005â„¢!), but I still keep my ear to the ground in matters of personal death rays, and I was pretty excited to discover The Spyder III, which beats the pants off the competition in terms of portability, price, and ability to set skin on fire.
I’ve got a birthday coming up, you know.
Doesn’t your personal stance on Star Wars prohibit you from using a death ray with a light-saber hilt?
I’ve always felt that for true comic book-themed villainy you need an uncomfortable subtext of death coming (no pun intended) from something vaguely phallic, so call me a bluff old traditionalist if you wish, but the inorganic aesthetic of the emitter ruins the already shaky premise of ‘budget’ villainy, because unless your nemesis is looking at the giant robot gorilla sent to destroy him and thinking “why is this guy robbing banks when he could make a mint on patents alone?” you just aren’t doing it right.
It’s like tying someone to a rocket – you ruin the aerodynamics and the thing is just as likely to spin off course and miss Hoover Dam entirely, but you do these things for the craftsmanship, you know? It’s its own reward, and no expense should be spared.
“Cut-price death ray” indeed. What’s the world coming to? This kind of low-rent villainy is why we have rapes on satellites.
And they even throw in a pair of LaserShades for free. There’s part of your supervillain disguise sorted as well!
They even sell a Photonic Disruptor.
I used to work with eye-blinding, skin-burning lasers myself (which were infra-red and so also invisible – which is a bonus!) but they were never this cheap or portable.
Apparently even looking at something this laser is pointing at is enough to permanently blind you. They don’t make comics in braille, Chris, and it’d be too expensive to pay someone to recreate them with action figures.
Take it from someone who’s been in the criminal mastermind business, man and boy, for over 40 years: get a villain chair.
Sure, an energy demolecularizer is a lot of fun, and a cash cow for extortion of small communities. But a villain chair — after being modded up with an anti-gravity unit, some defense mechanisms, and a good universal remote — is something you’ll use and appreciate for years. (Particularly when you get to my age.)
Just ask yourself: What would Modok do?
And they’re selling this to the average Star Wars geek why? I foresee lots and lots of blind dumbasses.
And they’re selling this to the average Star Wars geek why? I foresee lots and lots of blind dumbasses.
“Not really seeing a downside here,” said Chris, being a total jerk.
Yeah, you’re right. What was I thinking?
Alright.
Time to buy about forty of these, tie them together, and get some serious Kirby Krackle going.