Ask Road Rage Venom

Dear Road Rage Venom,

Help! When I first got to college, my roommate was great, and while we still get along about half the time, the other half is a nightmare! She’s constantly complaining about how loud my music is, even when I’m wearing headphones while I study, and sometimes she’ll just go crazy and start yelling at me over the slightest thing. I may not be a perfect roomie, but I know I’m not doing anything that bad! Can you give me some advice on what to do before I divide the room down the middle like a bad sitcom?

–Up The Walls at UCLA




You CANNOT avoid us, PARKER! Have you forgotten that WE are immune to your pathetic “Spider-Sense?” We can strike at ANY TIME, from ANYWHERE, and keeping your turn signal on for EIGHT MILES will not spare you from our well-deserved VENGEANCE! Sooner or later, your Exit will come, Parker… And THEN you will be OURS!

Good Luck,
Road Rage Venom



Dear Road Rage Venom,

Lately, I’ve been noticing that one of the girls at work has been stopping by my desk to chat. Normally, I wouldn’t think anything of it, but her visits seem to have gotten more and more frequent lately, and even when we’re just talking about work, her smile lights up the cubicle. I’ve always been the shy type, but after seeing you help so many people, I knew you could do the same for me. So put it to me straight: Is she interested, or am I reading too much into office chit-chat?

–Lovestruck in Laramie



Did you REALLY think that this PITIFUL effort would stop me, Parker?! An eighty-car train inching along the tracks is hardly an impassable barrier, and the sharp agony of the its whistle is NOTHING compared to the burning HATRED we feel for you! The hate that comes from the way you HUMILIATED us when we were Eddie Brock, and rejected–WHAT?! It’s STOPPING?! We have been sitting here for SIX MINUTES ALREADY! But every SECOND that goes by only INCREASES our RAGE–BACKWARDS?!


Road Rage Venom



Dear Road Rage Venom,

Ever since I saw Old Yeller as a kid, I’ve always thought that a growing boy should have a dog. Well, fast forward a few decades, and my own son’s old enough that I think he could handle the responsibility of a pet. The only problem is what kind of dog we should get for him? He likes all kinds, and while my wife thinks a big dog like a German Shepherd would be too much and favors a smaller one, I’m not sure how much fun he’d have with a little puppy. Who’s right?

–Pet Lover in Peoria



Roadside Assistance? Yes, we have a–my member number? All right, it’s 221314. Yes. We are on the freeway just past Exit 27, and we have a flat tire.

…Yes. No, if we HAD a spare tire, we wouldn’t be CALLING for ASSISTANCE! Our VENGEANCE demands SWIFT and–NO! DO NOT PUT US ON HOLD AGAIN! Each SECOND you delay dispatching a tow truck takes Spider-Man further from our grasp! DO NOT–Hello? HELLO?!

Oh that’s it, you just made THE LIST. The world won’t miss another foolish phone operator anyway, especially one that sounds just… like…


Road Rage Venom


Road Rage Venom is a noted expert in both relationships and business whose weekly advice column appears in over seventy newspapers nationwide. His latest book, A FOUR-WAY STOP SIGN WILL ONLY DELAY THE INEVITABLE, PARKER!!!!!, is a nationwide bestseller from Harper Collins. He is not a real doctor.

21 thoughts on “Ask Road Rage Venom

  1. The train one kicks ass. There’s train tracks right down the road from me and I know how poor Venom feels there.

  2. I personally like the put on hold bit best myself. This joke really shouldn’t have been so funny a 2nd time; but it was. And yes, we are reading on the weekend anyway. Nice Try.

  3. Strangely enough, I was just telling my dad about the previous Ask Road Rage Venom,since he has such a random love of the Spiderman cereal box prize squirters. & this is one sequel that lives up to the original. I feel Venom on all three of them. ::certainly has no road or phone rage issues:: He should just be glad Parker knows he has a turn signal.

  4. It’s 9:58 in the morning. And I am hung over. And the first thing I do is fire up my computer and go to the ISB.

    Thank God the comforting words of Road Rage Venom were there for me!

  5. Meh. I’m deeply sorry, but Road Rage Venom just doesn’t cut it for me. It’s mildly humorous, but not up to your usual standards. Of course, you know that, otherwise you’d not have tagged it ‘Nobody reads this on the weekend anyways’. But we do, Mr. Sims, we do.

    OK, the title of his latest book did give me a chuckle. I don’t wanna be a total meanie.

  6. There is something about that image of Venom honking, so angry, so angry about that Spider-Man who just cut us off!!! that is truly timeless. I’m so glad you could capture this for us, Mr Sims. So glad.

  7. Also: I dunno why, but the titles of Venom’s books are always the funniest parts.

    Also: Also: this installment of Road Rage Venom was, in fact, funnier than the first.

    Good job!

  8. Road Rage Venom has allowed us to see past the visage of a hideous, hinge-jawed, snake-tongued monster to embrace and even love the poor, sympathetic commuter that lies beneath.

    I feel your pain, Road Rage Venom. I feel your pain, and I understand.

  9. It’s a little startling to realize that Road Rage Venom has just about all of the personality and depth of the Venom we’ve become accustomed to seeing in the comics. Only, y’know. With more wheel-punching.

  10. I [heart] Road Rage Venom too. In fact, I feel he’s uniquely qualified to counsel some family members. How’s his parallel parking technique?

  11. Road Rage Venom: STILL a less goofy, more understandable character than Penance.


  12. I was ready to end my life until I read Road Rage Venom’s insights on relationships. I am saved! Thank you, Road Rage Venom!