Ask Road Rage Venom

Dear Road Rage Venom,

Lately, my boyfriend’s been really distant, and when he left his cell phone in my car, I noticed that he stored the numbers of a lot of people that I didn’t know. When I asked, he said they were just friends, but I have my doubts. How do I know if he’s cheating on me?

–Worried in Wilmington




Do you think high gas prices can stop me, Parker?! Thanks to a fuel-efficient import, it’s little more than an amusing FAILURE! We are coming for you, Parker, and not even rush hour traffic on the one-ten is going to stop us from our REVENGE!

Road Rage Venom



Dear Road Rage Venom,

I’ve finally gotten to the point in my career where I feel like I should become a homeowner, but with all the recent craziness in the housing market, I could use some advice. What’s a good fixed-rate APR to try for when I’m looking for a loan?

–Tired of Renting in Renton



Do you REMEMBER, Parker?! Remember how you humiliated us?! REJECTED us?! Our hatred gives us strength, Spider-Man, and this time your friends in the Fantastic Four won’t be around to STOP us! What?! A TOLL ROAD?!


Road Rage Venom



Dear Road Rage Venom,

I’m sick of being a doormat! It’s not that I don’t like my friends, but I feel like I’ve been letting them push me around: I always have to drive people when we go out, and they’re always coming over to my place without calling! How can I be more aggressive about what I want without losing them as friends?

–Timid in Topeka




Our exit is RIGHT THERE, you maniac, and you’re driving TWENTY MILES UNDER THE LIMIT! We have had our turn signal on for thirty seconds, and you are SORELY testing our patience! Revenge will be ours, Parker… Revenge will be ours.

Best of Luck,
Road Rage Venom


Road Rage Venom is a noted expert in both relationships and business whose weekly advice column appears in over seventy newspapers nationwide. His latest book, WE’RE COMING FOR YOU IN OUR VAN, PARKER!!!!, is a nationwide bestseller from Harper Collins. He is not a real doctor.

27 thoughts on “Ask Road Rage Venom

  1. dammit, maybe it’s because i’m drunk but that’s the most brilliant thing i’ve ever seen.

  2. I can’t stop laughing at that clip. “I want to eat your brain … at the next rest area.”

  3. I’m sure the DVD extras on Spiderman 3 will include the added Road rage venom unless I slept through that bit in the actual movie.

  4. Waitaminute….

    Venom’s not wearing his seat belt!!

    (Nor is he wearing any pants, but… well, one thing at a time.)

  5. Remember kids, if you ever pull over at a truck stop, alien symbiotic trannies are not to be messed with.

    On a side note, Stuntman Mike approves.

  6. I remember watching the whole 3 part venom saga as a kid. My whole knowledge of Venom comes from that series.

    But Venom trucking after Spiderman (who of course rides the train to cut down on greenhouse gases) was the funniest shit that show ever did. When I first saw it I thought something like “Even if he does catch up with Spiderman, how is he going to get back on the train?.”

    Good thing there was a bridge over the train, or he would have just gone apeshit on the road while driving back to his shitty apartment.

  7. Wait, so, the Onion has been doing an “Ask Road Rage Venom” column for all this time? How did I only hear about this now?

    Also, awesome blog Chris.

  8. I’ve been reading your blog for over a year, and this may be the best thing you’ve ever done. I’m dead serious.

  9. Mason,

    The Onion has a long-running series of advice columns from people you wouldn’t ordinarily ask for advice, and whose answers don’t address the questions they’re asked in any way. One of my favorites is “Ask a Gutshot Policeman”. So, while I don’t think they’ve ever done Road Rage Venom, it’s a common trope.

    Which just makes it better, because only Sims would think to “Ask Road Rage Venom”. In retrospect, it seems obvious, but all the truly visionary leaps of genius seem obvious after the fact.