Long-time ISB readers might have noticed that for 2009, I finally gave up on Chris vs. Previews, my long-running roundup of the comic shop’s catalog. A couple of people have even gone so far as to ask why, and it really just comes down to the fact that I suddenly remembered that I totally hated writing those things every month.

Still, there are some things that just can’t pass without comment, so tonight, I’m bringing CvP out of retirement for this:

P. 138 – Dead @ 17: Afterbirth:

Uh, yeah, hey Josh Howard, are you aware that your comic is called Dead @ 17: Afterbirth? Because if you’re not, that’s probably something you should be aware of, and if you are, that brings up a whole new set of problems. I mean, sure, coming up with a title isn’t always easy, and “Afterbirth” might’ve seemed like a good idea at the time, but I can assure you that the prospect of going into a store and saying “Hey, you guys got Afterbirth yet?” isn’t something I’d be looking forward to, no matter how well last summer’s Hack/Slash: Placenta sold.

Just a heads-up.

Tonight, the ISB goes toe-to-toe with the back half of the Previews catalog to pore through the small press and the merchandise! Because really, where would you guys be if I wasn’t around to tell you that dropping a hundred and fifty bucks on this…

…is probably not a good idea.

Now let’s get to it!

Comics

P. 187 – Wizard Magazine: Oh, Wizard.

Don’t ever change.

P. 196 – Blank Comic Books: I’ll admit that while my first reaction to this thing was “Blank comic books?! What, for the people too lazy to drive over to Kinko’s and work the stapler themselves?”, I’ve warmed up to the idea a little bit. The problem, though, is that the solicitation tries to bill it as three different products in an attempt to disguise the fact that it’s blank paper and staples. In the course of one paragraph, it goes from being a DIY tool to a gag gift for collectors (get it slabbed for X-TRA HILARITY!), and if you don’t buy that, well, it’s a convention sketchbook! I mean, sure, you could use it for all that stuff, but let’s be honest: It’s a pack of blank paper that costs ten bucks, and trying to hedge your bets only makes the con more obvious.

P. 208 – Sabrina the Teenage Witch #100: My affection for Tania Del Rio’s manga-style Sabrina stories has been a long-running joke here on the ISB, but the punchline there is that I actually do like it a heck of a lot. And really, what’s not to like about a series where everyone’s favorite Teenage Witch joins an underground student organization dedicated to overthrowing the government? Yes. Really.

Of course, it couldn’t last forever, and a forty-two issue run is nothing to sneeze at–especially at Archie, where forty-two issues that tell a continuous story is a concept that’s pretty much unheard-of–but still, the fact that it’s coming to an end and being replaced by the story of Sabrina’s cat before he was a cat doesn’t really thrill me.

Man, Previews! You’re just full of bad news this month!

P. 292 – Scott Pilgrim vs. The Universe:

Okay, Previews! All is forgiven!

P. 294 – True Tales of the Roller Derby: And hey, speaking of things I’m excited about from Oni Press, we have this, which combines two things I love: Women’s roller derby and the art of Friend of the ISB Dennis Culver. Culver’s a good egg and a heck of a talent, and for proof, you need look no further than the stuff that he posts on his sketchjournal. It’s great stuff, and seeing him turn his talents to all-girl rollerskate violence is something I’m definitely looking forward to.

Merch

P. 373 – Ghost Rider “Muerte” T-Shirt: Hey! I didn’t give these guys the rights to make a t-shirt featuring The Vengeful Spirit of William Henry Harrison, from my groundbreaking patriotic action special, The Presitron! What gives?!

P. 406 – Jack of Hearts Mini-Bust: The following product has been certified RAD by bitterandrew:

And finally…

P. 472 – Ah My Buddha! DVD:

Ikkou is your everyday teenage boy with everyday teenage desires. Too bad he’s training to be a priest in a Buddhist temple full of incredibly gorgeous and obviously available priestesses! The temple is usually called on to perform exorcisms, and Ikkou’s iner power is on hand for whenever things get out of control. A little flash of skin (usually a lot) from his female colleagues is enough to supercharge him, but the aftermath involves dealing with an extra turned-on priest whose loins were blazing to begin with!

And that’s this month. As always, if anything caught your eye, feel free to tell me about it, but rest assured: I’ve already got Tokyo Gore Police in the queue.

I’ll be honest with you, folks: I don’t always look forward to our little chats about the Previews catalog. It’s not that I don’t like talking about comics, or making ill-informed judgments on things that won’t come out for three months (because Lord knows I am all about that), it’s just that going through the catalog over and over again looking for the funniest yaoi solicitation can wear a guy down after a while.

This time, though… Well, I’ve been looking forward to talking about this one since it hit the shelves!

Sure, it might be because I’m bitter beyond my years and there’s a heck of a lot to make fun of this time around, but still! It’s a Christmas Miracle!

So join us as the ISB puts away the yuletide fun and tackles five hundred pages of stuff you don’t need! Tonight, the major publishers!

Dark Horse Comics

P. 35 – Herbie Archives v.3: With this, Dark Horse wraps up their collection of Herbie–of which, if you’ll recall, I’m a fan–and I’ve got to admit, I’m a little surprised that they didn’t just go ahead and throw in the John Byrne story from the 1992 reprints and the appearance in Bob Burden’s Flaming Carrot, both of which were published by Dark Horse. Admittedly, those don’t really fit with the whole “archive” format, but it’s so close to having everything, and it’s not like those two stories are going to get slapped together anywhere else.

That said, there’s still enough fun in nine issues of Herbie–especially in those last issues, where the series goes completely insane before it gets the axe–to fill up a dozen other comics, and getting the whole series collected is sweeter than a dozen lollipops. Well, except the one that could travel through time. That thing was rad.

DC Comics

P. 66 – Batman #686: Finally, super-hero fans can learn what people who have read both Swamp Thing and Sandman have known for years: That Neil Gaiman really wants to be Alan Moore. Not that that’s a bad thing. I mean, if you’re going to write comics, you could shoot a lot lower–Terry Moore, for instance–but when you’re putting out a story called “Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader” that presumably deals with the ersatz “death” of a character that we all know is going to be running around none the worse for wear next month, the comparison snaps right into focus.

Needless to say, I’m more than a little skeptical: Just by nature of its inescapable homage to “Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow,” this story’s stepping into a pretty big shadow, and while I actually do like Neil Gaiman a heck of a lot (enough to spring for four volumes of the Absolute Sandman), his last work with Batman was, what, the Secret Origins story about Poison Ivy from twenty years ago? Throw in more recent stuff like 1602 (also with Andy Kubert) that completely falls apart at the end thanks to what reads like an obvious editorial suggestion to keep it open for sequels, and you’ve got a comic that I’m interested in enough to read, but not really looking forward to.

Of course, I’d probably feel a little better about it if this thing didn’t have the vaguest solicitation ever. I mean really, telling me that a story “explores the intricate relationshps between Bruce Wayne and his friends and adversaries” and that it has an “unexpected climax” doesn’t really tell me anything, now does it?

P. 69 – Batman Confidential #26: Telling me that a story features “the comic book debut of King Tut” drawn by JOSE LUIS GARCIA-LOPEZ however…

…that gets me crunk! Can Egghead, Bookworm, and Marsha, Queen of Diamonds be far behind?!

(FUN FACT: Bringing back the characters from Batman ’66 was not just my Batman pitch, it was everyone’s Batman pitch, and I’m amazed it took this long. God bless you, Weir and DeFillippis.)

P. 85 – R.E.B.E.L.S.: Aaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha… Seriously? R.E.B.E.L.S.?!

So, to review: The market apparently cannot support an ongoing Legion of Super-Heroes title, but there is room in the publishing schedule for a spin-off of a spin-off that was last published in 1996. Jesus, what’s next, a new Darkhawk #1?

Of course, I say that, but let’s be honest here: I’m gonna read this, because–and this is a crucial weakness that DC apparently heard about–I will buy any comic with a monster that shoots lightning out of his brain on the cover. I roll Validus-Style, homies. And that’s real.

Image Comics

P. 150 – Jersey Gods #1:

No joke here, just a heads-up that Jersey Gods is coming out, and you all need to get on that toute suite. I’ve actually read the first issue of this one–courtesy of artist and Friend of the ISB Dan McDaid–and I can say in all honesty that it’s every bit as fun as you’d want a book about Kirby-style cosmic powers falling in love with a girl from the Garden State to be. There was a preview of it–or rather, an original backup story–in the last issue of Invincible, so check it out, then do us all a favor and let your local retailer know you’d like a copy this February. It’s well worth it.

Marvel Comics

Secret Warriors #1: It’s been… let’s see here… three, maybe four years since I’ve voluntarily read a comic with the words “Brian Bendis” on the cover, and while I’m perfectly happy to stay far, far away from the fallout of “Dark Reign,” it looks like the streak is finally over. Why? Because Secret Warriors is going to be cowritten by Jonathan Hickman, and in addition to being a fellow South Carolinian and a hell of a nice guy, Hickman’s one of the best new talents to hit the mainstream in the past few years. It’s not just that he tells good stories–although he does that, The Nightly News is a great read, and while Pax Romana slowed down a little at the finish line, the high concept alone made it worth sticking with–but that his stuff is innovative. It just doesn’t look like anything else that’s out there, and the more of that sensibility that we can get in comics, the more I want to read ’em. Plus, maybe there’s a chance we’ll get a Jonathan Hickman Nick Fury story out of this one, because dude. That would be awesome.

P. 13 – Agents of Atlas #1: Oh snap, they’re back!

And now they’re ongoing?! This is, without question, the best news to come out of Marvel since they announced the Devil Dinosaur hardcover.

P. 26 – Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk Reprints: Brother, I don’t care what your day job is, but if it takes three years for you to write twenty-two pages of Wolverine and the Hulk punching each other, then you should not be writing comics.

P. 41 – Fantastic Four #564: And while we’re on the subject of deadlines, here’s the Christmas issue of Fantastic Four, solicited with a release date of February 4. The Christmas Issue. If this book comes out on time, it’ll still be two months late.

P. 63 – Darkhawk #1: AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA! SERIOUSLY?! DARKHAWK #1?!

Man, guys, I was just kidding up there. You didn’t really have to do it!

P. 71 – Cable #11: Another first: Believe it or not, I have never bought an issue of Cable in my life, despite being the perfect age in the early ’90s to have been totally stoked about a guy whose power was carrying a giant gun. Thankfully, I was otherwise occupied by Kaine, the evil third Spider-Man clone who could totally kill guys by sticking his hands to their faces with his spider-powers.

…Jesus Christ, the ’90s.

Anyway, as of February, the streak will be over, because Cable #11 is the first part of a story drawn by Phonogram and Suburban Glamour’s Jamie McKelvie, and that’s something I’ve got to see. And if you don’t know why, I’ll explain:

See, this is what Cable looks like:

… and this is what Jamie McKelvie’s art looks like:

I cannot wait.

And that takes care of the majors! Join us tomorrow night when the ISB hits the back half of the catalog for the small press and the merchandise, but in the meantime, if anybody knows what the hell R.E.B.E.L.S. stands for, let me know. I know L.E.G.I.O.N., S.H.I.E.L.D., M.O.D.O.K., and U.L.T.I.M.A.T.U.M., but somehow that one slipped by me.

You know, when I was but a lad, I was always taught not to judge someone by their appearance, and while I try to live up to that lesson, let’s be honest here, folks: Sometimes the way someone looks can tell you a lot about them.

For instance, if you see a guy wearing this…

…it’s probably safe to assume that he is the baddest motherfucker that you will ever meet.

And even more, you can tell that he shops in the back half of the Previews Catalog, which is exactly what’s on the docket for tonight’s look at the small press and the merchandise! Onward!

P. 197 – Public Enemy v.1: Welcome to the Terrordome TPB: You know, I could’ve sworn that the Public Enemy comic–of which I was a devoted reader–never actually finished, which was a darn shame, because it featured a scene where Flavor Flav went ninja on some guys with a bladed clock on a ten foot gold chain, and that’s something everyone should have in their collection. In any case, it’s offered here in a new collection, and while it is a bit pricey at $22.99, it’s well worth it, as writer Adam Wallenta is a prophet that I think you oughtta listen to! What he can say to you, what you oughtta do is follow for now, power to the people say make a miracle! Pump the lyrical! Black is back, all in, we’re gonna win, check it out (yeah y’all!) come on, HERE WE GO AGAIN!

Whoa! Sorry… Didn’t mean to get old school on you guys. It’s just how I roll.

P. 203 – Archie Comics: Well, here’s two things I never thought I’d live to see:

1. Archie and Jughead roaming around the postapocalyptic future in their hover-car, and…

2. Betty and Veronica in leather catsuits in something other than my fan-fiction. Truly, we live in an amazing time.

P. 228 – Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose #54: You know, we have a lot of fun with Tarot here on the ISB, but one of the things that keeps me coming back is that every time you think that there is no way for Jim Balent’s madness to top itself, it totally does.

Case in point (or cas ein point, if you prefer): BEHOLD!

The Mergina

Once again, Broadsword Comics has answered the tough questions. Well played, Jim Balent. Well played.

P. 262 – More Yaoi From the Fine Folks at DMP: There aren’t any egregious taglines in this month’s parade of wispiness, but while I was reading through, I did find this:

“Koh’s dilemma is his fiery attraction towards his brother-in-law Naruki, and he spends his days restraining the dangerous passion that screams for Naruki’s embrace… One day, Naruki is unexpectedly transformed into a strong-willed seme.”

Okay, two things:

1. What the hell is a “seme?”

2. Do I really want to know?

Probably not. Moving on.

P. 271 – Comic Book Comics #2: I’ve talked about how much I love Fred Van Lente and Ryan Dunlavey’s work before–both Action Philosophers and their current work on delivering the history of the comics industry in highly entertaining comic book format–but they’ve really outdone themselves with this one on the cover alone:

I mean, Steve Ditko struggling to escape the vice-like grip of a smiling, monstrous Stan Lee? Yeah, that’s pretty much how it went.

P. 352 – Teenagers From the Future: Hey, everybody! I’m in Previews!

Or, to be more accurate, the book of essays about the Legion of Super-Heroes that I contributed a piece to is in Previews, but hey, that’s close enough for now. In any case, it’s been available on Amazon for a while now (hint hint), but for those of you who were waiting for it to be available at your local comic shop, now’s your chance to make sure your retailer is devoting as much shelf space as possible to getting me my royalty check, and read what I had to say about the teenage cruelty of the Legionnaires besides.

Also of note, Teenagers From the Future is a featured item in this month’s Previews Book section, where it shares a page with, among other things, a novel by Anita Blake creatrix Laurell K. Hamilton, and guess what?

Mine’s bigger.

P. 442 – Creators Labo #19 Kinsetsushien Maid Sangou Chan: Brother.

“Masterfully packaged in a clear, round display, Kinsetsushien Maid Sangou Chan comes with real metal chains, a bearclaw-like object, display base“–mirrored for upskirt convenience–“and interchangeable costume parts.”

EDIT: Oh hey! Pal Dave covered this thing in his own Previews roundup, and was as mystified by those things as I was.

And that’s this month in Previews! As always, if anything caught your eye this time around, feel free to let me know.

Seriously, though. “Bearclaw-like objects?” I mean really.

What, again?!

Yes, in an effort to actually beat the order deadline this month, it’s time once again for the ISB to bring you the rootinest, tootinest roundup of the Previews catalog, jam packed with stuff you don’t need! Tonight, I’ll be your guide through what the major publishers are putting on offer this month, so let’s get to it.

Dark Horse Comics

P. 39 – Conan the Cimmerian #7: I don’t mean to fall back into more political matters–as I wouldn’t want to scandalize my more sensitive readers–but if I don’t mention this, I know I’ll get a ton of emails about it: It came out today that among his many other qualities, President-Elect Barack Obama collects Conan the Barbarian comics, and I’m pretty sure that this fact is totally awesome. I mean, not since Teddy Roosevelt have we had a leader that could truly appreciate the sight of a man punching out a panther.

In other news, I have never been quite so conflicted as I was when I read that this issue would crescendo into “a flurry of swords and emotion.”

DC Comics

P. 71 – Vigilante #2: According to an interview with Marv Wolfman, “we will learn who the new Vigilante is, but not in the first issues. Hints will be given but we also won’t drag it out too long. Although there are connections to previous characters, who he is in the DCU is less important than his life itself. We will be following a character in the midst of personal redemption and hopefully his personal story will be of interest as well as the individual plots themselves.”

Sharp-eyed readers and fans of things that are totally awesome will of course recognize this as the exact premise of DC’s greatest Iowan counterterrorist, Wild Dog, whose mysterious secret identity was a plot point for the first four-issue miniseries. I think it’s safe to assume, then, that the new Vigilante will eventually unmask to reveal another mask, which will in turn reveal Jack Wheeler, in his new role as the Babushka Doll of the gun-toting crimefighter set.

P. 73 – Superman #681: Hey, I didn’t know they were doing a grim and gritty revamp of Bazooka Joe!

He blew the biggest bubbles, until one day… they consumed him. Now, he’s back… for revenge!

P. 83 – Green Lantern #38: Now, I’m not a regular Green Lantern reader, so when I saw this cover, I had to go find a friend to explain if this was indeed what it appeared to be, a cover featuring a woman vomiting copious amounts of blood:

His answer was that yes it is, because when you become a Red Lantern, you puke out all your blood so that it can be replaced with hate.

Moving on.

P. 89 – The Losers by Jack Kirby HC: Fuck yes.

This one was already discussed in the comments section of last month’s Previews post, but aside from the fact that I’m pretty excited about it (which should be obvious, since it’s Kirby stuff I’ve never read before), there’s something you need to know: This is yet another one that we have Dr. K to thank for, meaning that he’s only a Steve Ditko hardcover and a Sugar & Spike showcase away from a perfect record of convention requests and predictions.

P. 117 – Sandman Mystery Theatre v.7: The Mist and Phantom of the Fair: No joke for this one, just a general recommendation: Despite its ostensible tie-in to their gothy flagship, Matt Wagner and Steve Seagle’s Sandman Mystery Theatre–which focuses on the Golden Age Sandman and the many, many times he had sex with his girlfriend Dian–is probably one of Vertigo’s most unappreciated masterpieces. It’s great stuff, and in addition to “The Mist,” a fun, sort-of-tie-in to James Robinson’s Starman, this one has “Phantom of the Fair,” which, given its reputation as the best story of the run, has always been one of the hardest to track down in back issues.

So, if you like well-done period mysteries with the maximum amount of super-hero content that Vertigo will allow, check it out.

Image Comics

P. 146 – G-Man #1: And speaking of things that I wholeheartedly endorse, this month sees a reoffer of Chris Giarrusso’s G-Man, which everyone should own. Pretty much everybody knows Giarrusso from the Mini-Marvels, but some of you might not know that he brought that same sense of fun to his own universe of kid super-heroes. They originally ran as back-up strips in Savage Dragon–which, when you get right down to it, seems like a pretty odd place for the all-ages adventures of a hero-in-training–but in this one, it branches out into a longer story that’s some of Giarrusso’s best work. Well worth it.

Marvel Comics

P. 29 – Spider-Man: Fear Itself #1: This January, Marvel will finally be giving in to massive demand and putting out a team-up between Spider-Man and the Macabre Man-Thing! Because who hasn’t wanted that, right?

In any case, this issue will apparently deal with a situation that “connects to both Peter Parker’s youth and his present-day adventures,” and… wait a second. Something from Peter Parker’s youth? And since this is the Man-Thing, whose touch burns those who know fear, it’s gotta be something he’d be afraid of even today. And since the latest Spider-Man issues have been dealing with people from his past showing up… Oh man.

This is gonna be the return of Skip Westcott, isn’t it?

P. 50 – Punisher #1: One of the stranger pieces of news from Marvel this week is that Punisher War Journal is getting canceled and replaced with The Punisher (volume eight), while The Punisher (volume seven) is being renamed without being canceled to The Punisher: Frank Castle (volume… one? I guess?) for what appears to be no damn reason at all.

Anyway, now this is happening:

Yes, everyone’s favorite non-Wild Dog vigilante is going to take on the Sentry, and while I’m not sure what writer Rick Remender has planned for the series, I’m guessing that Frank’s gonna shoot him so hard that he goes back in time to the Silver Age, and the only time we see him from now on will be in the pages of awesome Jeff Parker/Paul Tobin Age of the Sentry stories.

What? S’what I’d do.

P. 58 – Thor #600: A Mighty Marvel Milestone from the creator of Gwen Stacy and Norman Osborn’s Ninja Babies and the writer of Nightcat! Do you DARE miss it?!

And that’s about it for the major publishers. As always, feel free to mention anything that caught your eye this month, and be back tomorrow for a look at the small press and the merchandise.

Me, I’ll be over here trying to graph out that Punisher thing until it starts to make sense. It, uh.. It might take a while.