Cobra Commander’s Most Ridiculous Terror Plots–And How They Might’ve Worked



Long-time ISB readers might recall that when I broke back into paid comedy writing, it was as a contributing editor to CRACKED Magazine and the popular website that spun out of it. It’s been a while since I contributed over there, but the impending release of the GI Joe movie gave me the chance to return for a look at Cobra Commander’s Most Ridiculous Terror Plots and the real-life events that prove they might’ve actually worked!

Yes, that’s right: An Internet comedy article based around a cartoon from the ’80s. It’s a pretty new idea, but I think it’s just crazy enough to work.

In any case, it gave me an opportunity to explore my favorite thing about Cobra Commander, which is that his plans are completely insane, yet they were considered such a threat that a strike team composed of the greatest soldiers in the entire military had to devote their entire schedule to dealing with him. Sadly, my comparison of his sinister mind-control plots to the continuation of Last Call with Carson Daly (which those of you who follow me on Twitter will recognize as my televised nemesis) was cut out, but there’s still a lot of fun to be had there, so give it a read.

And please enjoy the bonus hilarity of the comments section, which took less than an hour to become the perfect storm of “birthers,” Internet comedy critics, and Juggalos.

What Do You Believe In?

Cobra Commander believes in Hard Work.



Cobra Commander believes in Brotherhood.



Cobra Commander believes in America.



And I believe… in Cobra Commander.



A full list of things Cobra Commander believes in, including Weather Domination, Brain-Wave Scanning, the value of a well-placed kick when training a dog and the MARS Corporation’s affordable laser rifles is available upon request under the Freedom of Information Act.

The Campaign Heats Up

Cobra Commander claims that he has your best interests at heart.



Cobra Commander says he has a plan for dealing with America’s enemies.



Cobra Commander promises Weather Domination, a cabinet staffed by clones of history’s greatest military geniuses, and a tax rebate from a smaller defense budget.

Yeah. Cobra Commander says a lot of things.



But only one man really has the strength, honor and compassion to lead our country in the years to come.



Only one man wants to fight for your rights!



Only one man deserves your vote this fall!




Paid for by Mothers Against No Time for Law and Order.

For a Stronger America

I don’t usually like to get too political here on the ISB, but let’s be honest, folks: There’s too much at stake this year to not pick a side. The economy, health care, the war; these are issues that really matter to me, and with opinions split even within the major parties, I feel like it’s time to make it clear where I stand.

So tonight, the ISB’s coming out in full support of a candidate we can believe in. A man who isn’t bogged down by years of cronyism and won’t put our country’s fate in the hands of the lobbyists. A man who, despite an apparent lack of experience, has a plan for America that transcends the old political boundaries. A man who believes in the power of hope.



Thank you for your time.

The Caffeine-Free Jimmy Olsen

Hi, everyone! I’m Christopher, and apparently, this is my website.

You’ll have to forgive me. I decided on a lark this morning that I was going to skip out on having any caffeine today–marking the first time I’ve done that in… well, let’s just round it off to seventeen years–and I’ve been in something of a fog all day. In fact, to be honest, the past few years are all sort of a blur at this point.

But anyway, it seems I’ve got this website, and I vaguely remember something about updating daily, so I’d better get to it. It’s almost eleven, after all, and I’m starting to get awfully sleepy.

Fortunately, over here by the computer, there was a stack of… well, I guess they’re comic books, but they’re all in black and white and look to be the size of a phonebook. The one on top–Superman Family v.2–had a Post-It stuck to the cover (I’m assuming I wrote it) with “GOOD FOR THE BLOG” written on it next to a drawing of what I think is supposed to be Eddie from Iron Maiden using a “signal watch,” so I guess that’s what I’ll be posting about tonight.

Let’s see here…



From what I understand, this Jimmy Olsen character is Superman’s sidekick, so seeing him become any sort of “outlaw” would certainly be out of character, especially if it’s going to bring him into conflict with his “pal!” That’s definitely something you don’t see every day.

But still, I’m sure there’s a good reason for it. I mean, I wouldn’t be buying so many of these things if they were full of nonsense and explanations that were tenuous at best, right? Let’s press on!

The story proper starts Jimmy paying a visit to a recurring Metropolitan scientist named Professor Potter. The ol’ memory’s still a bit fuzzy around the edges, but I recall that this Potter is something of a genius inventor, with accomplishments ranging from computer science to time travel, so this visit should prove to be very educational.

Today’s invention? The Twin-Maker Ray!



Sadly, Potter’s invention is slightly flawed, and while I’m not sure why, I can’t shake the nagging feeling that I’ve seen a flawed duplicator ray somewhere before.

Either way, Potter’s produces copies that are visually identical, but differing in their qualities, to the point where they become opposites. In an interesting study in duality: An apple produced is sour rather than sweeet, a black rabit is reproduced from a white one, and an ostrich provides…



…a greedy ostrich?

The opposite of “ostrich” is “greed?” What an odd plot point.

Oh well. As you might expect, Professor Potter, who is turning out to be a very irresponsible scientist indeed, eventually turns the ray on Jimmy himself, using him to test the ray’s effectiveness on human beings, without even asking his permission first. I guess it’s obvious now just why he never got his doctorate.

The results are about what you’d expect:



Unlike the simple distinctions that mark the apple, rabbit and ostrich, Jimmy and his double (or as I’ve nicknamed him, “The Deuce”) appear to be exact copies.

The keyword, of course, is “appear,” as it quickly becomes evident that the Deuce is, in fact, evil. So evil, in fact, that he sends Jimmy home by telling him that he’ll cover his job, and then promptly starts doing crimes.

He starts by crashing through a skylight and using his connections with Superman to blackmail a thief into handing over half of his loot, but quickly moves on to more daring exploits, like… Wait.

This can’t be right.

It looks like the Deuce is climbing up a giant statue of Superman that serves as some kind of signpost in order to steal a safe using a giant magnet.



Well that’s just silly!

I mean, that’s not even the airport! It’s an apartment building! What kind of books are these?!

Maybe I should just get through this and move on. With his crimes escalating as he uses his connections to Superman to aid and abet them, the Deuce decides that it’s time to plot his big score: Discovering Superman’s identity and selling it to the mob. And in order to accomplish this task, he elects to take one of Jimmy’s chunks of Kryptonite–though I’m not sure why Jimmy hangs onto a fist-sized rock that can kill his best friend–and wander around the city waiting to see who is weakened when he passes by. The logistics of this plan are… well, it’s awful. Just awful.

Defying all logic–which I’m sensing is a trend in these stories–the plan works almost immediately, and the Deuce discovers that Superman is in reality Clark Kent, mild-mannered etc.

Before he can sell the information, though–thanks in large part to using a sentence so convoluted that it puts mine to shame–he pulls a fadeout, courtesy of Jimmy Classic:



Thus, Jimmy Olsen essentially murders himself with a radioactive meteorite.

Ridiculous. And looking around the house, I see that I’ve got stacks–stacks!–of the same, and I’m starting to get the feeling that I never finished college! Clearly, a change of lifestyle is in order.

But we’ll get to that tomorrow. For now, I’m getting awfully sleepy, and perhaps a trip to bed is in order. But first, I’m a bit parched.

What’s this…? “Starbucks Double Shot Espresso and Cream?” Sounds delicious!







In order to disguise himself while he commits grand theft magnet, the Deuce uses a hood that looks strangely familiar:



Let’s see. Between the hood, the bizarre crimes, and the fact that he’s running away, I think I might’ve stumbled onto something here. Could Evil Jimmy Olsen actually be… Cobra Commander?!