Category Archives: Jimmy Olsen
A Friendly Reminder From Leo Dorfman and Murphy Anderson
It doesn’t matter how tough you think you are…
JIMMY OLSEN WILL WRECK YOUR SHIT.
And that’s real.
Mr. Action takes on the Mod Mob–and yes, that’s as awesome as it sounds–in the pages of Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #132.
Ask Not What Jimmy Can Do For You…
Some of you may have heard about this, but today, the United States inaugurated a new President, and while we tried to keep it low key, it’s actually kind of a big deal.
If you caught the Inaugural Address, you might’ve noticed that the theme of it–as it usually is with this sort of thing–was a reminder that we all share responsibility for the world around us and should rise to meet the challenges ahead, and that’s a sentiment that we here at the ISB can wholeheartedly get behind. Because really, when your President gives you a call to action, you answer.
And by “you,” I mean Jimmy Olsen.
Yes, Superman’s Pal takes on the harsh, unforgiving world of jungle warfare at the request of President Nixon in the pages of Jimmy Olsen #132, which is notable as the last issue before Jack Kirby showed up and changed everything. But rest assured: It’s still pretty crazy.
It all starts, as do all historic events, when Jimmy’s out cruising on a yacht with a couple of bikini girls and what is quite possibly the greatest shirt in the history of man:
Sadly, Jimmy isn’t able to spend a lot of time macking on the ladies, because… Well, because he’s Jimmy Olsen, and in the Silver Age, that meant that he couldn’t go downstairs to get a cup of coffee without something strange and occasionally horrible happening to him. This time around, it’s a volcanic eruption that not only creates a new island, but somehow manages to furnish it with a good-sized jungle “within a few days.”
Even more important than the miracle growth, though, is the fact that the new island is exactly halfway between Russia and the United States, and–this being the height of the Cold War–the race is soon on for each country to claim Island X first.
Needless to say, things get a little heated…
…and so Nixon and Brezhnev decide to settle things the old-fashioned way. And when I say old-fashioned, I mean Old Testament: Each nation picks a single champion to duel to the death on Island X, with the winner’s country claiming the territory as their own. So why don’t they just get Superman to do it? Well, according to Superman, it wouldn’t be fair because the Russians don’t have an equivalent, which one would think would be the entire point of having Superman on your side.
Thus, it’s up to Jimmy Olsen, who proves his mettle by–how else?–rolling up his sleeves and punching out a robot:
Because really: When the fate of the country is on the line, you want to entrust your last-ditch military operation to a habitual kidnapping victim in a bow tie. Ah, the Silver Age.
Before long, Jimmy’s off to Island X to face off against the ersatz Ivan Drago that is Bors, and what follows is something that you could refer to as a “deadly game of cat and mouse,” but only if you really, really wanted to sell somebody on this comic. Mostly, it just involves Jimmy and Bors failing to shoot at each other…
…and just, you know. Hanging around:
Eventually,they (of course) learn a grudging respect for each other and the whole thing becomes a moot point anyway when Island X recedes into the sea, but not before we all learn a lesson that I think we can all benefit from.
And that is this:
If you can’t solve your differences with dynamite, then maybe you should just be friends.
Silver Age Tech Support: If Super-Strength Lasts For Four Hours, Consult Your Doctor
Hello, and thank you for contacting the Will Magnus Institute of Super-Science, where we’re solving the death ray and robot-related problems of tomorrow… today! We at the Institute are dedicated to ironing out the minor difficulties that can arise in our fast-paced world of atomic spacemen and gorillas with laser-vision, and while we understand that every situation is different, our troubleshooters are always glad to offer assistance. Please keep in mind that if you have requested your solution to be delivered remotely via Zeta Beam, there may be an additional charge.
PROBLEM: Hi Will, it’s me again.
Listen, like most grown men, I’ve struck up a strong friendship with a younger colleague (I’ll call him “Jim”) that I spend a lot of time with when I’m dodging the woman who is desperately in love with me. Our relationship’s usually great, but recently, my pal’s gotten his hands on your Hyperonâ„¢ Strength Formula, and ever since, he’s gotten a little…
…well, the word Pa always used was “uppity.”
Just to be clear, it’s not that I’m jealous or worried that he’s going to get more attention than me anything–not like the time I gained the ability to shoot a tiny version of myself out of my hand and people started to like it more than me–but is there any way I can get rid of his powers? For his own good, I mean. Not because I’m jealous.
Sincerely,
Mild-Mannered in Metroplis
PS: Not jealous at all. Honest.
SOLUTION: Fortunately for you, M.M., the Hyperonâ„¢ Strength Formula is designed with the repeat customer in mind, which means that its effects should be wearing off in the next few days, with or without your intervention.
If I may be allowed to play amateur psychologist, however, it would seem that your problem stems not from the strength provided by the formula (which has now met FDA approval for sale in over eight states!), but rather, the irresponsible way in which “Jim” chooses to use it. Clearly, you need to teach your friend a lesson.
You might balk at this responsibility, but keep in mind that this is a bold Silver Age in which we live, full of new technologies and complex problems that can only be solved by being a massive tool to your best friends. And you, with all your power, have a responsibility to be the biggest jackass of them all, for their own good.
Here’s what I suggest, and keep in mind: I am a doctor:
Simply dress up as the man’s employer and make him believe that he has committed murder.
Then, once he’s thoroughly convinced that he’s taken the life of one of his closest friends, have him thrown in jail, preferably with criminals that he’s had a hand in locking it up:
After a few days on Death Row being bought and sold by other inmates for a handful of cigarettes and a crumpled-up picture of his stewardess girlfriend, your friend will learn the value of leaving the super-strength to those who came by it honestly: By being born with it.
And even if he later discovers your ruse…
…he’s sure to recognize that you had his best interests in mind and forgive you.
And even if he doesn’t, why bother with human friends at all, when we here at the institute can build one for you out of the element of your choice, such as noble gold, trustworthy iron, or even platinum!
Sweet, obedient platinum…
Regards,
Dr. Will Magnus
Spooktoberfest Special: A Lesser Known Power of the Vampire
Despite the fact that they’re one of the most common characters in horror literature, nobody can seem to agree on what a vampire can actually do.
Sure, Stoker’s Dracula
The first casualty is often the weakness to running water, but there are stories like Bite Club
And even worse, there’s almost always a glaring omission from the Vampire skill set:
SUPER MIND-CONTROL LASER EYE-BEAMS.
And really, why do all these vampire stories insist on trotting out the old neck-biting cliché when it’s well within the power of the Nosferatu to create minions from halfway across the world?
PLEASE NOTE: The preceding information is only applicable to vampires from Transilvane, the miniature planet so evil that the planet itself has devil horns.
Seriously. You should hear their metal.
You can learn more about the vampires and other assorted monsters of the Planet Transilvane in the pages of Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #142, conveniently reprinted in the absolutely essential Jack Kirby’s Fourth World Omnibus, Vol. 2
Just A Reminder…
The Caffeine-Free Jimmy Olsen
Hi, everyone! I’m Christopher, and apparently, this is my website.
You’ll have to forgive me. I decided on a lark this morning that I was going to skip out on having any caffeine today–marking the first time I’ve done that in… well, let’s just round it off to seventeen years–and I’ve been in something of a fog all day. In fact, to be honest, the past few years are all sort of a blur at this point.
But anyway, it seems I’ve got this website, and I vaguely remember something about updating daily, so I’d better get to it. It’s almost eleven, after all, and I’m starting to get awfully sleepy.
Fortunately, over here by the computer, there was a stack of… well, I guess they’re comic books, but they’re all in black and white and look to be the size of a phonebook. The one on top–Superman Family v.2
Let’s see here…
From what I understand, this Jimmy Olsen character is Superman’s sidekick, so seeing him become any sort of “outlaw” would certainly be out of character, especially if it’s going to bring him into conflict with his “pal!” That’s definitely something you don’t see every day.
But still, I’m sure there’s a good reason for it. I mean, I wouldn’t be buying so many of these things if they were full of nonsense and explanations that were tenuous at best, right? Let’s press on!
The story proper starts Jimmy paying a visit to a recurring Metropolitan scientist named Professor Potter. The ol’ memory’s still a bit fuzzy around the edges, but I recall that this Potter is something of a genius inventor, with accomplishments ranging from computer science to time travel, so this visit should prove to be very educational.
Today’s invention? The Twin-Maker Ray!
Sadly, Potter’s invention is slightly flawed, and while I’m not sure why, I can’t shake the nagging feeling that I’ve seen a flawed duplicator ray somewhere before.
Either way, Potter’s produces copies that are visually identical, but differing in their qualities, to the point where they become opposites. In an interesting study in duality: An apple produced is sour rather than sweeet, a black rabit is reproduced from a white one, and an ostrich provides…
…a greedy ostrich?
The opposite of “ostrich” is “greed?” What an odd plot point.
Oh well. As you might expect, Professor Potter, who is turning out to be a very irresponsible scientist indeed, eventually turns the ray on Jimmy himself, using him to test the ray’s effectiveness on human beings, without even asking his permission first. I guess it’s obvious now just why he never got his doctorate.
The results are about what you’d expect:
Unlike the simple distinctions that mark the apple, rabbit and ostrich, Jimmy and his double (or as I’ve nicknamed him, “The Deuce”) appear to be exact copies.
The keyword, of course, is “appear,” as it quickly becomes evident that the Deuce is, in fact, evil. So evil, in fact, that he sends Jimmy home by telling him that he’ll cover his job, and then promptly starts doing crimes.
He starts by crashing through a skylight and using his connections with Superman to blackmail a thief into handing over half of his loot, but quickly moves on to more daring exploits, like… Wait.
This can’t be right.
It looks like the Deuce is climbing up a giant statue of Superman that serves as some kind of signpost in order to steal a safe using a giant magnet.
Well that’s just silly!
I mean, that’s not even the airport! It’s an apartment building! What kind of books are these?!
Maybe I should just get through this and move on. With his crimes escalating as he uses his connections to Superman to aid and abet them, the Deuce decides that it’s time to plot his big score: Discovering Superman’s identity and selling it to the mob. And in order to accomplish this task, he elects to take one of Jimmy’s chunks of Kryptonite–though I’m not sure why Jimmy hangs onto a fist-sized rock that can kill his best friend–and wander around the city waiting to see who is weakened when he passes by. The logistics of this plan are… well, it’s awful. Just awful.
Defying all logic–which I’m sensing is a trend in these stories–the plan works almost immediately, and the Deuce discovers that Superman is in reality Clark Kent, mild-mannered etc.
Before he can sell the information, though–thanks in large part to using a sentence so convoluted that it puts mine to shame–he pulls a fadeout, courtesy of Jimmy Classic:
Thus, Jimmy Olsen essentially murders himself with a radioactive meteorite.
Ridiculous. And looking around the house, I see that I’ve got stacks–stacks!–of the same, and I’m starting to get the feeling that I never finished college! Clearly, a change of lifestyle is in order.
But we’ll get to that tomorrow. For now, I’m getting awfully sleepy, and perhaps a trip to bed is in order. But first, I’m a bit parched.
What’s this…? “Starbucks Double Shot Espresso and Cream?” Sounds delicious!
…
In order to disguise himself while he commits grand theft magnet, the Deuce uses a hood that looks strangely familiar:
Let’s see. Between the hood, the bizarre crimes, and the fact that he’s running away, I think I might’ve stumbled onto something here. Could Evil Jimmy Olsen actually be… Cobra Commander?!
