In the past, the ISB’s buildup to Valentine’s Day has tended to focus on comics’ more catastrophic romantic failures, like the supremely hated Terry Long. This, I think, says a lot more about me than it probably should, so this year, I thought we’d delve into the love life of the greatest lover in comics history.

That’s right, folks: It’s time once again for that four-color Casanova, that Don Juan of the DCU…

 

Mister James Bartholomew Olsen!

Yeah, I know. He might not seem like much in that shot, but take a look at his track record. Even if you don’t count his recurring failures with Lucy Lane (which we don’t, because Lucy Lane is a hateful bitch), Jimmy’s been romantically involved with three Legionnaires, a sinister heiress, two alien princesses, an undercover Gestapo agent, a Kandorian terrorist, and a Viking fembot. The guy’s like James Bond and Jim Kirk put together, and that’s just how he rolls in continuity! Imaginary stories, on the other hand, offer up a whole new wealth of possibilities.

And that’s what brings us to tonight’s tale of ahhhhhhhhROMANCE, a daring two-part novel of imaginary nuptuals that they just had to call…

Jimmy Olsen Marries Supergirl!

Originally offered up by Jerry Siegel, Curt Swan and Stan Kaye in 1961’s Jimmy Olsen #57–and conveniently reprinted along with a bunch of other gems in DC’s Greatest Imaginary Stories–this one opens up with Jimmy searching for a scoop, and deciding that the best way to sell papers would be to write a story about his own demonstration of his Superman trophies at Midvale Orphanage. Because, y’know, the Daily Planet never actually published anything remotely resembling news.

Midvale Orphanage, of course, was the home of one Linda Danvers, alias Kara Zor-El, alias Supergirl, and yes, I realize that Jimmy Olsen cruising orphanages for teenage brides is, morally speaking, dubious at best. But come on, folks: Could you say no to this bit of Swansian hotness?

Yeah, I know. Still a little weird.

What’s even weirder is that Linda’s even there at the first place, since she’d already been adopted. But, as she tells Jimmy, “my parents are now abroad, on an important trip! They’ve arranged for me to stay here while they’re gone!”

So, just to go through that one more time, Linda’s parents went on vacation and left their adopted daughter at the orphanage. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Danvers. You’re the worst parents ever.

So really, is it any wonder that their daughter falls for a dashing older man with a collection of super-trinkets and a fetching bowtie? I think not. What really seals the deal, however, is the shocking return of Silver Age Plot Device #47: Red Kryptonite.

…and of course, the Red K not only removes Linda’s super-powers, but completely obliterates her memory of even having them or being Supergirl.

Thus, without the baggage that comes with being a Kryptonian to hold her back, she sets off on a whirlwind romance worthy of the greatest issues of Charlton’s Love Diary:

Ah, young love!

Believe it or not, the actual courtship goes swimmingly, and when even Superman decides that reminding Kara that she has super-powers would interfere with her happiness, they decide–as per our title–to get married, and we all learn a valuable lesson:

Well, two lessons:

1. Even on the day of his best friend’s wedding, Superman can’t be bothered to get one of his robots to show up so that nobody figures out he’s actually Clark Kent, and…

2. Schadenfreude is so much better when it involves Lucy Lane.

Of course, as you might well know, people change once they get married. For some people, though…

…the change is a little more drastic than others.

So with that, Linda regains her memory, and decides that she can’t just come right out and tell Jimmy that she’s Supergirl–or, for that matter, that Supergirl even exists–without preparing him first. Thus, in an effort to spare the love of her life, she comes up with a plan that is in no way insane and manipulative:

Whoops, sorry, got my notes mixed up. I meant to say that her plan is completely insane and maniuplative. Clearly, she’s become a Kryptonian once more.

With her slightly sinister plot in mind, it’s not long before Jimmy proves once again that he has the attention span of a goldfish and gives her the opportunity to save him from dying while riding a lifelike replica of Superman.

Sadly, this also robs the world of the funniest celebrity obituary of 1961, but alas, sacrifices must be made.

Anyway, Supergirl uses the rescue as an excuse to recap her origin and start putting the moves on Jimmy, setting up a two-sided love triangle that gives us a glimpse at the rarely seen Pensive Jimmy:

Of course, Jimmy didn’t get to be the world-famous sidekick with an international fan-club and a membership in a team of future space teens by not being a stand-up guy, so even with Supergirl throwing herself at him at every turn, including during an episode where she “rescues” him from the shapely princess of an underground kingdom…

…he does the right thing, tells Supergirl that he’s very sorry, and then confesses the whole thing to Linda. Which, y’know, is exactly what she wanted anyway, so everything works out okay!

Doesn’t it just get you right here?