I’m not going to lie to you guys. Cubone is messed up.
On the one hand, Cubone not only wears armor and uses weapons, which makes him a badass, but the armor and weapons are made of bones, which makes him some kind of super-metal caveman badass. He’s not just going to use Quick Attack on your enemies, this little guy’s going to beat them unconscious with the bones of his fallen enemy. He is rude.
On the other hand, things start to get a little weird once you find out that his helmet is made from the skull of his dead mother, and is less an affirmation of rudeness than the source of Cubone’s profound psychological problems. And from there on in, he becomes the Saddest PokÃ©mon Ever.
According to our pals over at Bulbapedia…
During the night, it cries for its lost mother and it is unable to let go of the memory of her. Its cries echo within the skull and it comes out as a pained and sad melody that can travel
for miles around its mountain homeland. Sometimes, it can emit mournful sounds during the day. On the night of a full moon, its cries are the loudest – for it seems to recognize its mother’s face in the moon.
Jesus, man. I think I need to go sit down for a minute.
And here we have another fine example of the “fuck it, just draw a face on whatever you had for lunch” school of PokÃ©mon design.
Anyway, as you can tell from the picture above, Shroomish is an angry mushroom that really ought to evolve into an angrier mushroom called Wartobello, but doesn’t. And really, I don’t want to belabor the obvious here, but come on, Shroomish. There have been a lot of video games about angry mushrooms. You’re not really adding anything to the conversation here.
So, uh… it’s not just me, right? You guys see a really super-racist caricature of a Jewish robot too?
Christ. And I thought Jynx was bad.
And then there was the time that they just cold drew a face on a vagina and put it in a children’s game.
Straight up, y’all: Snorlax. Is. The Motherfucker.
This dude goes where he wants, when he wants. And if he decides he wants to sleep on the highway, then guess what? You better find your ass a flute and start putting out some slow jams, because otherwise you are going nowhere, son. Literally all this guy right here does is eat, sleep, and beat ass. That is it.
He is living the American Dream.
Special thanks to Evie and her mental PokÃ©dex.