Chris vs. Pokémon, Round Two

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#104: Cubone

 

I’m not going to lie to you guys. Cubone is messed up.

On the one hand, Cubone not only wears armor and uses weapons, which makes him a badass, but the armor and weapons are made of bones, which makes him some kind of super-metal caveman badass. He’s not just going to use Quick Attack on your enemies, this little guy’s going to beat them unconscious with the bones of his fallen enemy. He is rude.

On the other hand, things start to get a little weird once you find out that his helmet is made from the skull of his dead mother, and is less an affirmation of rudeness than the source of Cubone’s profound psychological problems. And from there on in, he becomes the Saddest Pokémon Ever.

According to our pals over at Bulbapedia…

During the night, it cries for its lost mother and it is unable to let go of the memory of her. Its cries echo within the skull and it comes out as a pained and sad melody that can travel
for miles around its mountain homeland. Sometimes, it can emit mournful sounds during the day. On the night of a full moon, its cries are the loudest – for it seems to recognize its mother’s face in the moon.

Jesus, man. I think I need to go sit down for a minute.

 

RATING:

 

#285: Shroomish

 

And here we have another fine example of the “fuck it, just draw a face on whatever you had for lunch” school of Pokémon design.

Anyway, as you can tell from the picture above, Shroomish is an angry mushroom that really ought to evolve into an angrier mushroom called Wartobello, but doesn’t. And really, I don’t want to belabor the obvious here, but come on, Shroomish. There have been a lot of video games about angry mushrooms. You’re not really adding anything to the conversation here.

 

RATING:

 

#476: Probopass

 

So, uh… it’s not just me, right? You guys see a really super-racist caricature of a Jewish robot too?

Christ. And I thought Jynx was bad.

 

RATING:

 

#91: Cloyster

 

And then there was the time that they just cold drew a face on a vagina and put it in a children’s game.

 

RATING:

 

#143: Snorlax

 

Straight up, y’all: Snorlax. Is. The Motherfucker.

This dude goes where he wants, when he wants. And if he decides he wants to sleep on the highway, then guess what? You better find your ass a flute and start putting out some slow jams, because otherwise you are going nowhere, son. Literally all this guy right here does is eat, sleep, and beat ass. That is it.

He is living the American Dream.

 

RATING:

Special thanks to Evie and her mental Pokédex.

47 thoughts on “Chris vs. Pokémon, Round Two”

  5. “Upon evolution, Marowak has overcome the grief of never seeing its mother. Its behavior has become ferocious and savage.”

    Mommy’s dead.
    Daddy’s dead.
    Cubone’s dead.
    I shall become a Marowak.

  10. See, I saw the name “Probopass” and immediately thought “Probe… ass?”

    But sometimes a pokemon is just a pokemon.

  11. oh man,
    chris i just read your west coast rap/beatles t-shirt concept on ‘awesomed by comics’.

    i would rock that shit.

  12. Personally Probopass looks like Humpty to me. Maybe it’s because I want a Pokemon that knows the lyrics to dowhatchalike.

  13. Uh, Chris. Cloyster. The giant spike. You see a lot of vaginas with those? Because, uh, I may want to see some evidence.

    Maybe if it wasn’t in the exact spot where the clitoris would be.

  14. 1. So each Cubone wears its mother’s skull? Then by definition each female can only have one offspring. Since you require two offspring as a bare minimum to maintain species numbers (not including infant mortality and early deaths) then each generation of Cubones has less than half the number before it. They’ll be extinct very quickly, especially with all the would-be Michael Vicks that are running around the Pokemon world.

    2. Holy shit! That vagina is haunted!

  15. I remember thinking Cloyster was the fucking shit as a kid, and maybe now I know why…

    Also, yes, Snorlax rules. One of my most treasured memories as a kid was playing Pokemon Stadium and having my Snorlax use Metronome, which caused him to fucking FLY. HARD. CORE. SON.

    And Probopass wins the “most rifuckingdiculous and stupid looking Pokemon ever”. But the name comes from how he evolves from Nosepass and Proboscis is… yeah.

  16. JSG – Not necessarily. If the Cubone has several young they could each compete with one another for possession of the skull. Thus, each would wear it at different times. When one evolved or was murdered by a sibling, that sibling would take the mother’s skull. And if it was a mature female when it was murdered, its own skull would provide the basis for its own childrens’ morbid obsession.

  17. Sketch of Snorlax I got from Jacob Chabot. It’s hard not to like the big fella . . . he’s like the one relative at Thanksgiving who eats hearty, then passes out. One of my fave Pokemon episodes was when Snorlax’s Pokeball broke, so the gang had to transport its fat ass through the mountains, and part of the plan involved Ash dressing up as a giant apple. Good times.

  20. I’m not sure I see a Jewish caricature, but that might be because I can’t get past a name like Probopass.

  22. I can’t tell if I should pity Cubone or back away slowly from the Jason Voorhees of Pokemon. In either case, thanks for showing us all that a “kid’s” series that is essentially just animated, legal cockfighting can go to an even deeper, wronger level.

  27. “And here we have another fine example of the “fuck it, just draw a face on whatever you had for lunch” school of Pokémon design.”

    BAM – take that nintendo!

    so where’s koffing on this list? i love koffing, let me tell you. i honestly love him more than anything ever in the history of fighting monsters. except maybe the thought of ‘alone time’ with misty’s sisters. no wait how old were they supposed to be again FORGET I SAID ANYTHING

  29. Snorlax… is living the American Dream.

    Snorlax is Dusty Rhodes.

    ***Brain explodes***

    That explains so MUCH.

    AND it is not even that far-fetched. The Japanese love their puroresu.

  30. I totally agree. Cubone is metal and depressing at the same time. Snorlax is one bad mother and Probopass is… something.

  31. And one more thing that just makes cubone more depressing: It’s japanese name is Karakara, which is translated either as “empty husk” or “from nothingness”

    And the original plan for its american name was Orphen.

  32. Snorlax is Dusty Rhodes.

    He’s a tower of power, too sweet to be sour! He’s wined and dined with kings and queens, and ate in alleys on pork and beans!

    Also, he convinced Electabuzz to put on a helmet and crash through a wall once.

  33. Uh, since when have moustaches, fezzes and bird-ears been part of the landscape of anti-semitism? The schnoz yes, but I need to see ringlets before I declare racism.

  36. So the other way to get Snorlax out of your way is to have the 4 Horsemen jump him?

    Snorlax is about to get in that rang and teach Ric Fleeah a thang or two.

    It’s hard to type like the ‘Merican Dream.

  38. You know, maybe Cubone wouldn’t miss its mother so much if it hadn’t killed her just so it could wear her skull as a hat.

  40. You want some other pokemon that’s frightening and depressing?

    Banette. It’s the ghost of a discarded toy that possesses the trashed toy and seeks out the kid who threw it away. In order to harm the child, it performs voodoo on itself.

  41. I always figured Probopass kinda looked like Mario, y’know, as kind of a homage to the big guy.

  42. “Also, he convinced Electabuzz to put on a helmet and crash through a wall once.”

    Oh Chris, you beautiful man.

  43. Damn you for making me want to play Pokemon again.

    Also, the only Pokemon cosplayer I ever saw who was totally hot and rad without any hint of sad or embarassing was dressed as Cubone.

  44. Batman should take a leaf out of Cubone’s book and wear Martha Wayne’s skull as a helmet. That’d definitely strike fear into the hearts of scum everywhere.

  45. It’s a good theory, Dorian, but Kangashkan are a female only breed. There are male and female cubones though.

  47. Is it just me or does it look like cloyster is just gastly is hiding in a vagina??