Last night, I promised that the second round of this month’s Chris vs. Previews would involve the worst thing I have ever seen. And while the statue of the girl in rocket-skates that comes with a suitcase you can put over her head because the statue itself is ashamed to be dressed in ribbons comes pretty close…
…it doesn’t take the top spot.
What does? Well, to find out, you’ll have to join me as I get through the indies and the merchandise in tonight’s ISB! Or, you could just skip down to the bottom. But really, where’s the fun in that?
P. 216 – Archie Digest #245: From the solicitation:
Who are the Hairies?! Why, they are the top of the iceberg–the part one can see justting out of the depths of the unknown! But what is at the bottom of this symbolic iceberg? Why, File 202 of course! And the secret of that, my friends, means more than mere fright–mere danger–mere death! But don’t let this stop you!
Wait, hang on a second… Sorry, that’s actually the intro text to Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #135. After further consideration, it appears that this issue does not involve Archie joining a “drop-out society” and leading Jughead through the Habitat to the Mountain of Judgment.
I apologize for any confusion.
P. 251 – Project Superpowers #5: I’ll cop to the fact that I haven’t read a single page of Project Superpowers thanks to my distaste for Alex Ross vanity projects, but I do see the covers when they come into the shop, and thus far, I’ve thought that the pairings they’ve been doing have been pretty interesting. This one, however: The Arrow (who shoots arrows) and the Target (who is a target)?
Well-played, Dynamite. Well-played.
P. 273 – The Eternally Hilarious DMP Yaoi Line: The Yaoi section of previews is always good for a few laughs, but I’m starting to get the feeling that somebody over at DMP was asleep on the job this week. I mean, the best tagline they’ve got this month is “More Than Just A Jam Session,” and that’s not even as good as the actual title of the series, Hard Rock.
It does, however, provide us with April’s number one interjection:
“Sweet Sexual Harassment!”
Try using it to add a bit of spice and creepiness to your next moment of surprise! Like, say, “Sweet Sexual Harassment! These Teddy Grahams are delicious!”
P. 322 – The Big Book of Barry Ween, Boy Genius: As hard as it might be to believe now, there was a time when Judd Winick’s comics were actually something to look forward to and enjoy, and that time can be pretty much boiled down to The Adventures of Barry Ween.
For those of you who haven’t read it, here’s the high concept: It’s Dexter’s Laboratory meets South Park. The titular hero is a ten year-old genius who, along with his porn-obsessed best friend Jeremy, gets into all sorts of shenanigans involving space/time portals in his basement and swears like a sailor while he’s at it, and as clichÃ© as those elements are, it actually is pretty funny stuff that’s well worth reading.
Or at least, I think it is. To be fair, I haven’t gone back and read it in years, and odds are that I wouldn’t be able to give it a fair shake if I did, thanks to Winick’s abysmal track record with… well, pretty much everything he’s written for DC. But I can assure you: If 19 year-old Chris was here, he’d turn down the Vandals and give it a very high recommendation.
P. 331 – Atomic Robo TP: 25 year-old Chris, however, is far more likely to turn down the Pipettes and recommend this:
I’ve already covered this in the weekly reviews, but if you missed it, I’ll sum up: Brian Clevinger and Scott Wegener’s Atomic Robo is just about everything I want in a comic book. It’s smart, funny, full of great action, and revolves around a team of
Action Scientists who bear a strong resemblance to the original GI Joe team. What more could you want?
P. 441 – The Apparel Section: It’s been a few months since there’s been anything really worth noting in the once-mighty Previews Apparel Section, but this month, someone was working overtime on the shirt descriptions:
Admittedly, “Team Rainbow” seems to be directed at a niche market, and the less said about “Fruit Punch” the better, but man, “Grievance?” That is gold.
P. 480 – Invisible Man Model Kit:
Wouldn’t it be awesome if this thing was just an empty box with a base in it?
I mean, I’d laugh.
And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for:
P. 502: The Worst Thing I Have Ever Seen:
Where do I even begin with this thing? How about we just go through the solicitation one more time and see if you can spot the number of things that are truly awful here? HINT: It’s the same as the number of aneurysms you’re going to have by the end of the paragraph!
Imported from Japan! From the weird and wonderful world of Tandem Twin, Yamato presents master sculptor Kouichi Yamazaki’s latest incarnation: Dog Bonnie! Inspired by the Golden Retriever, the submissive Bonnie is the perfect companion to Tandem Twin’s Dominant Dog Alma (previously released). Use the accompanying chain to create a themed display of Bonnie and Alma. Kneeling at approximately 7″ tall, Bonnie includes chain, base and a host of accessories: two interchangeable heads, two interchangeable breasts, eyeglasses and mask.
Sweet Sexual Harrassment. Congratulations, Previews. You win. And as always, thanks for keepin’ it classy, Japan.
And on that note, it’s time to call it a night. As always, feel free to let me know about anything that caught your eye in the comments section, but if I don’t respond, it’s because I decided to soak my hands in acid to erase the feeling of actually typing that last one out.