Brace yourselves: It’s another hard-hitting look at this month’s Previews catalog, and while last night’s installment went up against the major publishers, there’s still half a catalog to get through!
Now normally, this is where I’d pause to make a quick joke about the dreaded apparel section, but I’m just not sure there’s anything in there I can make fun of. What do you think, Bernard?
Ah yes. Truly, you are the voice of a generation. Let’s just get on with it.
P. 228 – Veronica #186: BEHOLD! The Archmullet!
Even the strongest of men–which in this case would be Moose Mason–weep openly at its Titian majesty.
P. 238 – Black Summer John Horus Figure:
I’m pretty sure this one took us all by surprise, given that Warren Ellis characters–let alone ones that murder the entire Executive Branch in their first appearance–don’t generally get made into happy-ass mitten-handed Mego simulacra, but I guess I should just be glad that Avatar’s pouring their money into this thing rather than, I dunno, a cover with Lady Death and Pandora in a soul-crushing attempt at being “sexy.”
P. 240 – Lady Death vs. Pandora #1 Super Sexy Edition:
…Oh. Well, nevermind then.
P. 244 – Cover Girl TP: I’m pretty sure he was drunk–since he was, y’know, awake–but comics blogger and Cover Girl cowriter Kevin Church threatened to drive down here and beat me with a sack full of Bloodstrike if I did not draw your attention to the trade for the series, solicited this month from BOOM! Studios.
Threats of back issue-related violence aside, though, Cover Girl actually is an action-packed story with a lot of fun to it that stays thoroughly enjoyable from start to finish at a pretty reasonable $14.99. Add it to your bookshelf and support the idea that people who crack jokes about comics on the Internet really oughtta be writing the darn things.
P. 257 – Superpowered #0: Man, is this the month for people revamping Golden Age books or what? Still, I can’t shake the feeling that the art for this one in particular really reminds me of something… But what?
“OBJECTION! Do you really think this’ll be better than when Alan Moore did the exact same thing?
Oh yeah! That’s what it was.
P. 262 – Dark Xena TP: Normally I’d write a joke here, but my mere attempts at humor could not even begin to hold up next to the majesty that is Dark Xena. Just go ahead and throw away all your other comics: This is the only one you really need.
P. 270 – GI Joe vs. Transformers Omnibus: And this month’s award for the most Overenthusiastic Pull-Quote goes to…
You know, I’ve never really considered “written for Transformers fans” to be what you’d call a strength, but I suppose you take what you can get.
P. 330 – Jenna Jameson’s Shadow Hunter: I sincerely hope that I don’t have to explain to anybody out there why this…
…is not a good idea, but I will say this: Really, Virgin Comics? You’ve got a comic “created” by Jenna Jameson and you’re going to list her as a “best-selling author and entrepeneur?” Really? That’s what you want us to think she’s known for? Not, say, her groundbreaking work in Where The Boys Aren’t 7, Philmore Butts Taking Care of Business, or Grand Theft Auto: Vice City? Really?
Man, Virgin Comics. Your marketing strategy continues to elude me.
p. 380 – Robert E. Howard and Two-Gun Bob: Those of you who keep up with Dark Horse’s Conan series in trades might not be familiar with Jim and Ruth Keegan, but I can assure you that The Adventures of Two-Gun Bob–comic strips wherein the Keegans illustrate a piece of Robert E. Howard’s life taken from his letters to guys like H.P. Lovecraft–are like the tasty dessert that follows a hearty meal of Barbarian Savagery.
Sadly, this isn’t the Two-Gun Bob collection that I thought it was at first glance, but it’s worth dropping ten bucks just to see more of their work from The Best of Robert E. Howard and what the solicitation copy describes as “two splendid examples” of the strip.
P. 410 – Death of Superman Commemorative T-Shirt: Just a reminder from the Previews T-Shirt Model All-Stars:
And now, the real horror-show: Merch
P. 446 – Rock Iconz Rob Halford Statue:
Look, I realize that I make fun of the statues in Previews a lot, and in fact, I plan on continuing that course of action in about seven pages. All I’m saying is that maybe if more of them were inspired by the masterful work of Judas Priest, that wouldn’t happen so much.
P. 454 – Princess Leia Animated Life-Size Monument: And now, the one you’ve all been waiting for:
For those of you who busy trying desperately to make sense of a world gone mad, allow me to confirm your mind-shattering suspicions: This is indeed a five and a half foot-tall representation of what Princess Leia from Star Wars would look like if she was a cartoon, and is referred to as a Monument rather than a statue, presumably owing to the fact that it will serve to memorialize the buyer’s hopes of ever actually losing his virginity.
And it is eight hundred dollars. So yes, dear reader: You can put a price on dignity.
P. 464 – Various Japanese Candies: After that last one, I think we could all use a little comfort food, but normally, not even I would be willing to eat something you can buy in a comic book store that’s marketed towards people who feel the need to tie pieces of metal to their heads to show their misguided love of ninjas. But for real, you guys? Pocky and Rice Candy are good. Real Good!
P. 489 – Capcom Girls Collection: Poison Figure: Here’s a mildly interesting bit of trivia for you: Poison here originally made her first appearance in the Japanese version of Final Fight, which is commonly considered the single greatest video game where you could play as a shirtless mayor who essentially abdicated to spend his time beating the living hell out of juvenile delinquents.
Once the game hit America and the Super NES, however, Nintendo’s notoriously skittish censorship department decided that it probably wasn’t a good idea to have a game where shirtless politicians hit scantily-clad women with lead pipes, and so Poison (and her sprite-sister Roxy) were changed to the mincing Billy and Sid, which opened up a whole other can of worms. Eventually, though, equality reigned, and Poison and her Nazi hat returned as a playable character later on in the series.
And now you know… the rest of the story.
And that about wraps it up from the only comics blog that’s not afraid to reference Paul Harvey while talking about Final Fight for this month, but if anything caught your eye–like the Yotsuba Kiowai action figure that’s going to look awesome once I get it home and put it next to Super Hero Squad Galactus–feel free to let me know.
As for me, I’m heading to sleep, but not before I do my level best to blast all memories of that Princess Leia monument right out of my memory! Come on, gin! We’ve got work to do!