Brace yourselves: It’s another hard-hitting look at this month’s Previews catalog, and while last night’s installment went up against the major publishers, there’s still half a catalog to get through!
Now normally, this is where I’d pause to make a quick joke about the dreaded apparel section, but I’m just not sure there’s anything in there I can make fun of. What do you think, Bernard?
Ah yes. Truly, you are the voice of a generation. Let’s just get on with it.
P. 228 – Veronica #186: BEHOLD! The Archmullet!
Even the strongest of men–which in this case would be Moose Mason–weep openly at its Titian majesty.
P. 238 – Black Summer John Horus Figure:
I’m pretty sure this one took us all by surprise, given that Warren Ellis characters–let alone ones that murder the entire Executive Branch in their first appearance–don’t generally get made into happy-ass mitten-handed Mego simulacra, but I guess I should just be glad that Avatar’s pouring their money into this thing rather than, I dunno, a cover with Lady Death and Pandora in a soul-crushing attempt at being “sexy.”
P. 240 – Lady Death vs. Pandora #1 Super Sexy Edition:
…Oh. Well, nevermind then.
P. 244 – Cover Girl TP: I’m pretty sure he was drunk–since he was, y’know, awake–but comics blogger and Cover Girl cowriter Kevin Church threatened to drive down here and beat me with a sack full of Bloodstrike if I did not draw your attention to the trade for the series, solicited this month from BOOM! Studios.
Threats of back issue-related violence aside, though, Cover Girl actually is an action-packed story with a lot of fun to it that stays thoroughly enjoyable from start to finish at a pretty reasonable $14.99. Add it to your bookshelf and support the idea that people who crack jokes about comics on the Internet really oughtta be writing the darn things.
P. 257 – Superpowered #0: Man, is this the month for people revamping Golden Age books or what? Still, I can’t shake the feeling that the art for this one in particular really reminds me of something… But what?
“OBJECTION! Do you really think this’ll be better than when Alan Moore did the exact same thing?
Oh yeah! That’s what it was.
P. 262 – Dark Xena TP: Normally I’d write a joke here, but my mere attempts at humor could not even begin to hold up next to the majesty that is Dark Xena. Just go ahead and throw away all your other comics: This is the only one you really need.
P. 270 – GI Joe vs. Transformers Omnibus: And this month’s award for the most Overenthusiastic Pull-Quote goes to…
You know, I’ve never really considered “written for Transformers fans” to be what you’d call a strength, but I suppose you take what you can get.
P. 330 – Jenna Jameson’s Shadow Hunter: I sincerely hope that I don’t have to explain to anybody out there why this…
…is not a good idea, but I will say this: Really, Virgin Comics? You’ve got a comic “created” by Jenna Jameson and you’re going to list her as a “best-selling author and entrepeneur?” Really? That’s what you want us to think she’s known for? Not, say, her groundbreaking work in Where The Boys Aren’t 7, Philmore Butts Taking Care of Business, or Grand Theft Auto: Vice City? Really?
Man, Virgin Comics. Your marketing strategy continues to elude me.
p. 380 – Robert E. Howard and Two-Gun Bob: Those of you who keep up with Dark Horse’s Conan series in trades might not be familiar with Jim and Ruth Keegan, but I can assure you that The Adventures of Two-Gun Bob–comic strips wherein the Keegans illustrate a piece of Robert E. Howard’s life taken from his letters to guys like H.P. Lovecraft–are like the tasty dessert that follows a hearty meal of Barbarian Savagery.
Sadly, this isn’t the Two-Gun Bob collection that I thought it was at first glance, but it’s worth dropping ten bucks just to see more of their work from The Best of Robert E. Howard and what the solicitation copy describes as “two splendid examples” of the strip.
P. 410 – Death of Superman Commemorative T-Shirt: Just a reminder from the Previews T-Shirt Model All-Stars:
And now, the real horror-show: Merch
P. 446 – Rock Iconz Rob Halford Statue:
Look, I realize that I make fun of the statues in Previews a lot, and in fact, I plan on continuing that course of action in about seven pages. All I’m saying is that maybe if more of them were inspired by the masterful work of Judas Priest, that wouldn’t happen so much.
P. 454 – Princess Leia Animated Life-Size Monument: And now, the one you’ve all been waiting for:
For those of you who busy trying desperately to make sense of a world gone mad, allow me to confirm your mind-shattering suspicions: This is indeed a five and a half foot-tall representation of what Princess Leia from Star Wars would look like if she was a cartoon, and is referred to as a Monument rather than a statue, presumably owing to the fact that it will serve to memorialize the buyer’s hopes of ever actually losing his virginity.
And it is eight hundred dollars. So yes, dear reader: You can put a price on dignity.
P. 464 – Various Japanese Candies: After that last one, I think we could all use a little comfort food, but normally, not even I would be willing to eat something you can buy in a comic book store that’s marketed towards people who feel the need to tie pieces of metal to their heads to show their misguided love of ninjas. But for real, you guys? Pocky and Rice Candy are good. Real Good!
P. 489 – Capcom Girls Collection: Poison Figure: Here’s a mildly interesting bit of trivia for you: Poison here originally made her first appearance in the Japanese version of Final Fight, which is commonly considered the single greatest video game where you could play as a shirtless mayor who essentially abdicated to spend his time beating the living hell out of juvenile delinquents.
Once the game hit America and the Super NES, however, Nintendo’s notoriously skittish censorship department decided that it probably wasn’t a good idea to have a game where shirtless politicians hit scantily-clad women with lead pipes, and so Poison (and her sprite-sister Roxy) were changed to the mincing Billy and Sid, which opened up a whole other can of worms. Eventually, though, equality reigned, and Poison and her Nazi hat returned as a playable character later on in the series.
And now you know… the rest of the story.
And that about wraps it up from the only comics blog that’s not afraid to reference Paul Harvey while talking about Final Fight for this month, but if anything caught your eye–like the Yotsuba Kiowai action figure that’s going to look awesome once I get it home and put it next to Super Hero Squad Galactus–feel free to let me know.
As for me, I’m heading to sleep, but not before I do my level best to blast all memories of that Princess Leia monument right out of my memory! Come on, gin! We’ve got work to do!
“Really? Thatâ€™s what you want us to think sheâ€™s known for?”
Well, they are Virgins. Maybe they don’t know.
Hey Chris, there’s even MORE to the story of Poison that you probably don’t want to know.
The replacement of Poison and Roxy didn’t happen in the japanese version, but capcom went ahead and put in the instruction booklet the fact that the girls were pre-op transsexuals, which didn’t satisfy Nintendo so they replaced them anyways. Capcom has tried to rectify the gender issue a few times but it’s still anyone’s guess.
Paul Harvey. Wow.
And now page two.
So, I’m gonna both totally nerd out and be a correctionary jerk but dude-
Poison’s the tranny, roxy’s like his kid sister. I they met in an orphanage or something, and she totally looks up to him.
Obviously, it totaly worked out.
Why must you people insist on typing things I can’t un-see?
While Poison’s getting her gender reassignment surgery, maybe someone can also work on fixing that horribly deformed left leg.
Come on, gin! Weâ€™ve got work to do!
At first, I mistakenly read that as “Come on, girl. Weâ€™ve got work to do!” which brings a completely different take on Chris’ night-time antics.
I love the fighting game trivia. I recently got to drunkenly tell people about the Poison backstory at a party that featured a Final Fight arcade cabinet (the only good thing about the party), which sort of interested at least one person.
And that’s what counts.
P.S. That irritating kid in what I think is a Nightwing shirt (not sure) really needs to get bullied to high hell at high school. That’ll show him.
And Jameson hasn’t looked like that for years. Nowadays she looks like a cross between a trout and a Hefty bag full of wire hangers.
What’s the Attack Value on that Rob Halford Heroclix?
Attack value? LEATHER, my boy. LEATHER.
Is it pointless to wonder how Lady Death and Pandora are even STANDING? Do they both have super-strength? Can Pandora fly? Is the fact that they are 91% naked supposed to sufficiently distract me from stuff like if Pandora”s wrist and abdominal strength are sufficient to support her self on Lady Death’s hip? Or that they’ve GOT to be about to fall over, and since Lady D.’s holding a sword, that could be bad news…?
Would it still be wrong to want to put the Princess Leia statue on my lawn if it were on sale?
Announcement: Lobster Johnson: The Iron Prometheus #2 is 100% pure cut Chris Sims.
That is all.
The existence of the John Horus figure is justified for making you write the phrase, “happy-ass mitten-handed Mego simulacra.” Sadly, I cannot think of any instance in which I will be able to use that phrase in a conversation.
Would it still be wrong to want to put the Princess Leia statue on my lawn if it were on sale?
Yes, ’cause someone might put their eye out on cartoon Carrie Fisher’s incredibly pointy boobs. You’d feel bad.
Man. Anyone else ever wonder what Carrie Fisher actually thinks of the type of people who’ll shell out eight big ones for a cartoonized version of a character she played 30 years ago? We ought call her up and ask her.
This just in:
You know, I think you should jump in on the reviving-public-domain-Golden-Age-character bandwagon.
But if you do, there’s one thing that will guarantee sales:
Can I photoshop them all into Nintendo DS Games? Like, Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin is suddenly about Jonathan, Charlotte, and the Black Terror fighting Dracula?
Please do Sir.
It will truly be a thing of beauty.
But add bear fighting anyway.
Final Fight is actually the second greatest video game where you could play as a shirtless mayor who essentially abdicated to spend his time beating the living hell out of juvenile delinquents.
The greatest video game where you could play as a shirtless mayor who essentially abdicated to spend his time beating the living hell out of juvenile delinquents is actually Final Fight 2.
If we’re counting Japanese games, the other games move down the list and Final Fight 3 takes the top spot as it was called Final Fight Tough in Japan. Now YOU know the rest of the story.
ok it seemed to eat my comment from earlier, so sorry if I double post.
The Mike Haggar story doesn’t just stop with Final Fight. He was in Saturday Night Slam Masters, a 4 player beat-em-up set in the Square Circle. Check it out.
Wait. Poison’s a… a guy?
… MY CHILDHOOD IS A LIE!
Bernard needs to chiggidy-check himself before he riggidy-wrecks hisself.
A study in contrast was illuminated on the Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back commentary: Carrie Fisher made Kevin Smith and his producers put it in writing that her cameo would have no Leia jokes, and she was pretty distant on set (but professional) whereas Mark Hamill was very jovial, didn’t mind a single SW ref, and was happy to swap SW stories with the cast.
Probably the worst part about that Jenna Jameson cover is that she doesn’t look anything like that anymore. Once upon a time – hot, regardless of her profession. Now: she looks like some of sort of skeletal duck-thing.
Chris, just remember Guitar Wolf’s advice from Wild Zero.
I read that Leia item three times before I realized it was 5.5 *feet* tall.
You know, Iâ€™ve never really considered â€œwritten for Transformers fansâ€ to be what youâ€™d call a strength, but I suppose you take what you can get.
Says the guy who likes Manga Sabrina.
Dan, that’s because Mark Hamill is awesome.