Great Failures of Villainy, Volume One

When you think about the great, lasting villains of comic books, a few names come to mind. Doctor Doom, with his egomaniacal genius and melodramatic speeches; Magneto, who went from a goofy villain in a purple cape to a complex character with a morality twisted by a need for revenge; and of course, the Joker, whose bright colors and permanent smile would be creepy even if they didn’t stand in direct contrast to the dark, grim hero that he battles against.

You do not, in all likelihood, think of this guy:

 

 

And there’s a pretty good reason for that.

Say hello to Sylvester Sepastopol, folks! And yes: He’s a teenager, despite the fact that he has the bearing and combover of a middle-aged insurance salesman. First appearing in the pages of Teen Titans #19’s “Stepping Stones of a Giant Killer”–conveniently reprinted in second Titans Showcase–Sylvester here was the brainchild of writer Mike Friedrich, who brought us the pure genius of Vampires on the Moon, and the artistic dream team of Gil Kane and Wally Wood. And really, with a legacy like that behind him, how could he fail?

As it turns out, he manages to pull it off pretty spectacularly. So here’s how it all goes down:

Sylvester doesn’t have an origin as much as he just shows up one day on page one looking for The School of Criminology, which appears for exactly ten panels and is then never heard from again, despite the fact that it has the truly awesome distinction of being run by someone called Headmaster-Mind:

 

 

One assumes that unlike other Schools of Criminology, this one is devoted to the practice of crime rather than the study thereof, but that’s pretty much left up to the reader to suss out from the fact that Sylvester rolls in there and announces that he’s got a plan to destroy the Justice League, as seen above.

Sadly, the Headmaster-Mind doesn’t have time for a kid with a dream of world domination, and thus, Sylvester’s quite literally given the boot. However, despite his age, Sylvester isn’t the kind of guy who gives up easily, and resolves to make his own way in the world of Super-Villainy, finally learning the lesson that Will Smith struggled so hard to teach the children of the ’90s. Take it from me…

 

 

Adults just don’t understand!

 

Yeah, yeah, it’s actually parents. I know. Anyway, a few pages later, Sylvester’s plan goes into action as he uses the time-honored tradition of sending his “hang-ups” to the Teen Titans to lure them into a trap. Said hang-ups?

Campus Nazis!

 

 

Given that there’s nothing the heroes of DC Comics like better than busting up a couple of Ratzis, the Titans are quick to roll out in full force, but it’s never really made clear whether that actually happened, or if it’s just something Sylvester made up or orchestrated as bait.

Either way, it works, and once the Titans put the kibosh on the fighting, which includes Wonder Girl making the best joke of her entire career…

 

 

…Sylvester easily lures them into his secret lair, where they are promptly conked on the head via reversed gravity, tied up, and threatend with death at the hands of a genius gone mad.

This, for the record, is where Sylvester’s plan goes completely off the rails.

Why? Because this is where he decides to adopt his own villainous identity, and while I could explain how it all goes wrong, I think you’ll be able to tell for yourselves. Behold! I give you… Punch!

 

 

Man. Where do you even begin with this thing?

I’ve written extensively about the steps one has to take in order to ensure success in the world of diabolical schemes, but it never even occurred to me to advise against a ruffled collar and matching dunce cap. I just assumed it was a given.

And that’s even before we get into the fact that the whole “Punch and Judy” thing really only works when there are two of you.

As should be expected, Sylvester’s brief career as a super-villain is all downhill from there. Because really, you can have all the teleporting belts and anti-gravity rays that you want, but as soon as you slip into your thoroughly researched 14th century jester doublet, there’s really only one way things can end.

 

 

So ends the brief, ill-concieved criminal career of Sylvester Sepastopol, and we at the ISB salute him, if only for the fact that he was able to make even Robin’s costume seem like a respectable set of threads.

 


 

BONUS FEATURE: The ISB Picture Quiz!

Sylvester Sepastopol or a young Stephen Colbert?

 

 

U-DECIDE!!

32 thoughts on “Great Failures of Villainy, Volume One

  1. Huh.

    You know, I always wondered why Colbert had Quesada on his show, and did segments on Civil War and the Death of Captain America, yet he snubbed both Dan DiDio and the Crisis du jour. Now we know why he hates DC so much.

    I know I’d hold a grudge if I got my ass kicked by the Silver Age Titans.

  2. ok, I’m officially scared. I just realized that the clown doll my great-grandmother made for me as a child was really a tribute to the greatest villain mind of the world. This would explain some things…

  3. I like how he announces that he has “a rather ingenius plan” to beat the titans. Proving that:

    1. He can’t spell.

    2. He is the most modest supervillain ever.

  4. I have to give it to Dick Grayson. When I saw Punch in costume, my main concern was that no asswhipping that could appear in a Code-approved comic would be enough to avenge what he had done to my eyes. But as usual, the Sensational Character Find of 1940 takes care of business!

  5. 1) Perhaps that’s Headmaster Mr. Mind?

    2)Archie Andrews is the world’s oldest teenager, sir.

  6. I love the Neo-Nazi confirming that he’s bigoted against someone, instead of just jumping to conclusions about that person’s religion. I’d hate to see a Neo-Nazi hate someone based on a faulty prejudgement.

  7. Sorry, Chris, but Michael Kors and Nina Garcia said Punch’s outfit is edgy and yet retro, and they admire his persistence of vision, so Sylvester Sebastopol is one week closer to winning the $100,000 from TRESemmé. The only think that might stop him is if he gets screwed up when he’s on a big ego trip. But what are the odds of that happening?

  8. It’s rare to see a super-villain choose a code-name that advertises what action he expects the heroes to take when they confront him. For knowing the end result of his rather ingenius plan, and yet still persevering to the bitter end, Sylvester Sepastopol gets my props.

    And if that’s how Robin ordinarily punches someone,perhaps Batman should leave Bane to him in all future encounters.

  9. “With what he’s shown us so far, this young genius may just pull it off!”

    Oh, the pulse-pounding excitement! Man, they knew how to wind up the tension back then, didn’t they?

    And the real reason he hasn’t been seen since is that he has spent the next three and a half decades blowing his nose out of the back of his head, thanks to that Robin chin-check. But any day now…

  10. Thanks to that mean Waller lady and her henchmen Flag and Bronze Tiger, Jewlee IS looking for a new partner/husband. Sebastopol could easily have the inside track on that. And for a clingy, criminal crazy with kid, Jewlee was fairly cute…

  11. Hey, just imagine if Sebastopol/Punch showed up in the Suicide Squad – or dumped on the Salvation Run planet… you reckon Geoff Johns is that twisted?

    Cheers!
    Mal

  12. A) “Parents Just Don’t Understand” was all the way back in the ’80s.

    B) I love that the Jewish kid has a fairer complexion than the campus Nazi.

  13. “With what he’s shown us so far, this young genius may just pull it off!”

    Oh, the pulse-pounding excitement! Man, they knew how to wind up the tension back then, didn’t they?

    It becomes a lot more dramatic if you imagine it being spoken by WWE’s Jim Ross.

    Although I guess that’s true of most things.

  14. Daaaamn,

    Robin can drop BOMBS! He socked that guy like he was talking about his mama. Why was D to the G holdin’ it down back in the day as Robin but is lame as Nightwing now? WHY?

  15. awb Says:
    Robin can drop BOMBS! He socked that guy like he was talking about his mama.
    _____________________________

    And yet, he still had the manners to take the boys glasses off before socking him in the face. Always a gentleman, that boy wonder.

  16. Well, A supervillian Punch did show up in the Squad, and survived the experience, only to be killed off fairly recently.

    That one was the one teamed up with Jewelee, and it’s fairly doubtful that this clown and that clown are actually the same clown.

  17. Well, A supervillian Punch did show up in the Squad, and survived the experience, only to be killed off fairly recently.

    That, as I think someone else pointed out, was Punch of Punch and Jewelee fame, an old pair of Captain Atom villains that Johnny O brought back and added a great yuppie psychosexual angle to. I don’t think there’s any relation.

    And yeah, isn’t the art in this thing just gorgeous?

  18. Let me also add my totally needed opinion that this shows off some mighty fine artifying skills. It is even better shown off in black and white.

  19. Perhaps he took his moniker from the venerable British humor magazine of that name? Of course, that magazine may have taken its name from the Italian puppet shows.

  20. Because YOU demanded it:

    Sylvester Sepastopol joins the Thurmond Chang Gang, in the story we had to call:

    Tek Jansen Must Die!

  21. As God is my witness, DC had the nerve to mention him again — albeit for only one frame — in a story in the late 1980s (can’t remember the issue; it may have been in “Secret Origins”), in which a young Wally West was explaining to his parents why it was REALLY important for him to stay in the Titans because “without teamwork, we could never have beaten that ‘Punch’ guy.”

    They didn’t quite have the nerve to actually SHOW him, though — instead, we saw all the Titans dangling from puppet strings on a theater stage looking like complete morons (Wally having apparently forgotten how to vibrate his way out of such things). Personally, if I were Wally, I would have taken great pains to keep that particular incident secret.