Heavy.com Presents the Worst of Netflix

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from four years of writing on the Internet, it’s that people absolutely love it when I subject myself to the worst things I can find and write about them for their amusement. And now, thanks to a new column on the newly relaunched Heavy.com, I’m doing it with movies.



The premise here is simple: Every two weeks, I scour Netflix for a movie with a one-star rating and write a brief review, suffering through cinematic masterpieces like Species IV: The Awakening and Perfect 10 Model Boxing v.1 and passing the savings on to you.

This week, I watch the ready-for-Cinemax skin flick Tomcat Angels, which, thanks to an original release in 1991 and a DVD from our pals at Troma in 2003, managed to provide a sexy take on both Iraq wars. That’s right, folks: It’s Iraq-war themed softcore porn.

Also, don’t miss my first column, wherein I review the backyard wrestling extravaganza Splatter Rampage Wrestling, wherein the teenage stars of the “World Rastling Coalition” hit each other with two-by-fours on a trampoline. And you know, that sounds like it’d be pretty entertaining, but in practice, it definitely is not.

The current plan is for me to do a new column every other week (with an additional piece every now and then as well), so if you enjoy ’em, leave a comment over there to let my new paymasters know.

40 thoughts on “Heavy.com Presents the Worst of Netflix

  1. Chris, seriously: Between this, Anita Blake and the occasional Tarot, I’m worried about your long-term health.

    This has got to be the equivalent of a 3-pack a day Lucky Strikes habit.

  2. Because it was filmed locally and I’m actually two Kevin Bacon-degrees away from the director, may I gleefully recommend “Pony Trouble”?

  3. Absolutely the truth-
    Today Netflix recommended an ultra violent 1970’s sexploitation giallo by Lucio Fulci based on my interest in “Kiki’s Delivery Service” by Hayao Miyazaki.
    I am still freaking out.

  4. Terrible movies? I shall suggest two: “Spring Break Shark Attack” and “Lightning Strikes!”. The latter being, quite literally, Kevin Sorbo versus lightning. Sentient lightning. Or something like that.

  5. The latter being, quite literally, Kevin Sorbo versus lightning.

    I’m sorry, this feature is about bad movies, not what sounds like the greatest movie of all time.

  6. I have to agree, sentient lightning is kind of awesome.

    Well, unless it’s the Living Lighting. That guy isn’t that cool.

  7. Are you sure you want to do this? Nobody is forcing you, you do have a say in all this. I mean sure we the readers will enjoy it but seriously lets take a minute here and think about the negative repercussions of doing this to yourself. I think everybody will agree that we are genuinely worried about you and your safety.

  8. “our pals at Troma”

    *holds up broken segment of quote* Well there’s your problem right there!

    Maybe a Worst of Troma segment afterwards, just to let them know you mean business?

  9. Hell man, that film makes “L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to Savage Beach” look like high art. At least that one had the novelty of Shae Marks, Carrie Wescott AND Buff Bagwell being in the film. Sadly it’s 3 stars on netflix…which means Andy Sidaris has been renting it and voting on it ALOT.

  10. You know what’s great about this?
    These are those flicks that most people say “You couldn’t pay me to watch that.”
    Which means that Chris is the guy that said “Yeah, you CAN pay me to see that.”
    As least, I hope you’re getting paid.

  11. I do the same thing with Netflix, because I love subjecting myself to schlock.

    Definitely check out Naked Fear, if you get the chance. Also: Beer Drinkers from Space, Stupid Teenagers Must Die!

  12. Don’t be so quick to diss Perfect 10 Model Boxing. It was on Showtime a few years ago and while I freely admit I tuned in for the attractive women, some of those bouts turned out to be fairly decent amateur boxing.

    Other than that, I’m curious to see how often the phrase “SciFi Channel Original Film” comes up.

  13. Andy Sidaris…Jeebus, there’s a name I haven’t heard since I hit puberty. Good times, good times.

  14. WTF??!! I just checked Netflix and “The Werewolf of Washington” gets two and half stars?! I mean… WTF?!

  15. It’s funny, sure, but I could have done with more length… I mean, I know you have a pretty full plate right now, but that’s like an eighth of your “Bring It On” review. Otherwise, thanks much.

  16. It still sounds better than “Guns” starring Erik Estrada and Danny Trejo. I could have left that comment on the article if it didn’t want me to have a facebook account to comment.

  17. When the editor requests 200-400 words, that is what I write.

    I guess what we’re saying is, editors should pay you to write more.

  18. ahh, Misty Mundae. one of my friends had Lord of the G-String… good god that movie is hilarious and TERRIBLE.

  19. Tomcat Angels isn’t technically a Troma film in the sense that, say, Sgt. Kabukiman is; they only picked up the distribution rights in 2003.

    And buddy, anytime you want to pay me to watch Battlefield Earth for you, feel free.

  20. Chris, no matter how good of a time it might seem, or how many of the “cool” kids, the one who know the latest emotiocons, and punctuations, are pressuring you, please don’t succumb to the temptation of watching the dreaded genre of 1980s German sci-fi sex comedy. Because we love you. Maybe too much.

  21. How do we make comments on heavy.com? I figure that you probably get judged on how many comments you get, so I thought I’d throw one on there about it being funny. I see you got 37 (and counting) here on just a description of what is in the column.

  22. So I go to Heavy.com and. . . . Where’s your column? Under Movies? Comedy? All I see is stuff about gossip blogs and wang pills. WHERE ARRRRRE YOOOOOOUUU?

    Also, for some reason, about a third of the page goes off-screen. Also.

  23. I love Lucio Fulci. He is the true Italian horror maestro. My favorite film is Gates of Hell aka City of the Living Dead. I love it when the chick pukes up her entrails. Gore horror never gets old.