One of the things you’ll find out if you spend a lot of time in large rooms filled with comics is that you start inventing little games to make things more interesting, and while we were going through the quarter boxes at the Con, Phil and I decided to see who could come up with the Most 90s Cover Ever.
Now, it’s easy to go with the big ones, like X-Force #1, but we decided to get a little more esoteric this time out. Phil’s is up over at his site, and here’s mine:
How many reasons are there that this is the most ’90s cover of all time? Thirty-six… caliber.
But here are the main ones:
- Jake Gallows, in addition to sporting a trenchcoat and bladed metal gauntlets, is wearing a fused-tooth grimace that even AxeWÃ¼lf’s Hellmut VandegÃ¤arde would have trouble mustering.
- He is also holding a giant machine-gun that ejects shells in defiance of the laws of gravity.
- Not only does it feature Wolverine, but WOLVERINE WITH SPIKED SHOULDERPADS…
- …who is deflecting bullets (?) with his claws…
- …but has sadly succumbed to almost fatal crosshatching.
- Daredevil’s gorilla arms.
- IT IS AN ISSUE OF PUNISHER 2099.
And perhaps most importantly…
Admittedly, it lacks both foil and a mullet, but I think I’ve made my case here. But if you want to get in on the action and take your shot at winning the fabulous prizes1 that come with finding the greatest representation of Dave Campbell’s favorite decade, feel free to post ’em. Ideally, they should be things that you buy specifically for this purpose (thus adding the extra challenge of telling another person “Yes, I would like to buy this issue of Brigade“), but I’m not picky.
That’s just how life is… on the edge.
1: There are no fabulous prizes.
EDIT: Kevin Wins.
I think Daredevil’s mask ties will count in place of a ponytail. Bonus points for obtrusively large signature box.
I still enjoyed the “Matching the venom shirt with the hairstyle” bingo.
We had venom-short-hair, venom-ponytail, venom-baseball-cap, venom-permy-fro-thing, and venom-widow’s-peak. I can’t believe the entire con I didn’t encounter venom-bald.
Oh man, I’d forgotten about Venom Shirt Bingo. That was fantastic.
As great as that 2099 cover is – I think Phil trumps you with the holo-foil slutty-Sue FF cover.
HULK WRITE COMIC BOOK.
Ah yes, now I remember why I nearly gave up comics during the ’90s.
That Punisher 2099 cover would kick far more ass per meter with a little hologram action, though.
it looks like Ol’ Jake is one-handing that machine gun, with his other hand on his hip. I dont know if that’s intentional or not, but if it is… that’s chutzpah.
Yeah, I think Phil’s FF may just have the edge. However, this is really a contest with no winners, as it just proves that 90s comics were actually worse than you remember.
The only comic, and I do mean only, that I can think of that not only could match this *and* Rainbow Foil Fantastic Four would have to be the issue of X-Men where they managed to give away the entire plot of the comic on the front cover. That’s right. I don’t remember the issue number as I’ve blocked that part of my brain with booze and chair shots, but it was part of the “Magneto’s gone bat-shit crazy” arc where he pulled the adamantium out of Wolverine’s body. Not only is this done in glorious over-shaded goodness, but there was a hologram card on the cover. Not the entire cover, mind you, but just part, as if to say, “Look at me. Not at the glaring plot point on the cover of this issue which, unfortunately, came out a week earlier than planned thereby ruining the climax of the crossover happening in Uncanny X-Men. LOOK AT ME, DAMMIT!!!”
I give it to Phil.
a) displays a reasonably-sized foot
b) lacks pouches or thigh-straps
I too have to give the edge to Phil, just for the Sue-as-MILF action + the Torch wearing a leather jacket while aflame.
“…I’m going after the Public Enemy…”
Why would the Punisher go after Chuck D., Flav, and Terminator X??
Phil’s cover lacks the grimaces and teeth-clenching of Chris’s. Also, the FF cover, while nineties-fied TO THE EXTREME!, looks like a normal cover that had been doctored with standard elements of the decade. The Punisher 2099 cover is more purely nineties crap — Wolverine and the Punisher are nineties comics incarnate, and throwing in the elements Chris cites, well, shee-oot.
Surely there’s an Image comic out there even more nineties-fied? Some book touted as an “ALL NEW VIOLENT SUPER-HERO” book? Could it get any more nineties than the first issue of Youngblood?
NOW I remember why I quit reading mainstream comics for like a decade.
I’d bet anything Thor is sporting a mullet under that helmet. And Punisher’s bullets are not defying gravity as I am also certain that our heroes are leaping, en masse, out of the QuinJet. Or something.
I’m glad I didn’t collect that comic book series.
Your comic is definitely the better (that is almost certainly the wrong word) of the two. Sue looks almost friendly. Still, without pouches you simply can not represent the decade. I am sorry, sir, but I shall have to fail you.
I have to go with this one. Because Punisher 2099, that’s why.
Jamie up above is describing either X-men 25 or Wolverine 75, I can’t remember which. Either way, I own it, via subscription.
Hey, those nineties comics were my intro to the medium!
For your approval: Bloodhunter #1. The first and only issue of a series, with a cover featuring:
1. “Blood” in the title.
2. A foil and embossed cover.
3. Improbably anatomy
4. Wolverine-like mask framing the face.
5. A blade that’s extremely large.
6. A gun that’s larger.
7. A cape that’s torn to shreds.
8. Gritted teeth.
9. The artist’s signature is on a goddamn bone.
AHHH! My EYEs!!!
Blood Hunter Wins.
This stuff is why I was reading Stray Bullets and Hell Boy in the 90s.
Damn you for making me remember paying good money for this issue, thinking “Holy crap, are they going to roll out Thor, Daredevil, and Wolverine OF THE FUTURE in a single issue???”. The answer was, of course, “Holy crap, no!! Sucker!! We just made you buy PUNISHER 2099!!!”. I believe I wept hot tears of rage when the truth came out.
Damn you, sir.
I retract my vote for Phil. Kevin has reached to the very pits of hell and extracted something so…horrifying that words can barely describe it (though his summation comes close). I’d add bonus points for
1) a purple costume on what was likely intended to be the manliest of manly comic heroes,
2) gratuitous skulls to signify something ‘gritty’, no doubt, and
3) a cape blowing in the wind one way, whilst the remainder of the cover shows no such adherence to physics (such as the flames in the backround).
Also, couldn’t a “blood hunter” prick his own skin and say he’d been successful in his little safari? How is that intimidating at all?
That would be X-Men #25. The next comic in the crossover, Wolverine #75, is my favorite of all time. I think it is the hologram that does it for me.
I will be entering this contest…but I will not beat Punisher 2099…or Kevin’s entry.
Okay, I agree, Kevin wins. But the best part of the whole contest is the page you posted from inside that issue.
“How old are you?”
“Thirty six… caliber!”
“Where do you live?”
“On the edge.” (said with gritted teeth)
My co-workers are looking at me funny. Hysterical suppressed giggling will do that to you.
Good god in heaven. Bloodhunter Wins. We all lose.
There’s no way this can win (no pouches) but superdickery.com recommends this for students of all that was wrong with the 1990’s:
*Spikes on Supergirl’s arms and ankles (I think those are supposed to be near the ankles, not sure because…)
*Supergirl’s anatomy is impossible, even for a protoplasmic shape shifter or whatever the hell Matrix was.
*What is the deal with Superman’s neck?
*Superman’s pose looks very painful
*Pretty much everything about Supergirl
If it hadn’t been for Astro City, Sandman, Starman, and a few others, I would have abandoned comics forever in the 1990’s.
bloodhunter definitely takes it. then sue ‘cougar’ richards. finally, our future comes in at third. you guys GOT to keep this up!
Here’s my entry.
Ghost Rider is Gnarly
And people wonder why I gave up Marvel for the 90s.
I would humbly point out that only going to the Pockets N’ Guns portion of the 90s overlooks the much more dominant ethic of 90s comics, which is Nearly Naked “Bad Girls.”
Nothing says 90s like the phrase “Collector’s Item!” on the cover.
Here’s my entry:
What do i win for owning a near complete set of 2099 comics. All i need are: 2099 Sketchbook, Ghost Rider 2099 #25, and Spider-Man 2099 #35 (both covers). If I wanted to get picky, I could use the foil covers of a couple of the #25’s (Doom and Punisher, IIRC).
What can I say? They were my first. You never forget your first.
How about this one:
* Issue #0
* Foil embossed
* Impossible shoulder pads w/ spikes
* Stylishly torn cape
* Bendy wrists and calves
* Ribbony headband, elbow wraps, AND knee wraps
* Pronounced furrow lines through mask
* Eight-pack abs
Oh man… these are all magical… but notintheface gets my vote. It even has Liefeet on every single character! Even the giant robot in the background has comparitive Liefeet!
And, dude… one-eyed cyborg chick with an extra pair of arms growing out of her boobs! Astounding.
Hmm… my post from earlier didn’t show up for some reason.
Here’s a 90s-style cover:
* Issue #0
* Extreme font
* Foil embossed
* Massive impractical shoulder pads with spikes
* Torn cape
* Furrow lines through character’s mask
* Eight-pack abs
* Bendy shins, forearms, and wrists
* Headband, bicep wraps, and knee wraps fluttering like crazy
The legs on the robot in notintheface’s entry remind me of a Mighty Mugg, and that makes me happy. Partially because I can ignore the rest of the characters on the cover (the hellish Puck/Wolverine hybrid is the one that freaks me out the most), but also because Mighty Muggs are great.
Here’s my (late) entry.
Mine’s a weird case because, well, it’s not from the 90’s…in fact it hasn’t even come out yet…yeah.
“Liefeet”. BWAH HA HA HAAA!
That even tops “ass-length ponytail”.
Wo die Suchmaschine mich den lieben Tag hinfuehrt :) Gute Homepage, ich werde nochmals vorbeischauen.