I Need Eight Gryffindors

“Now I don’t know about y’all, but I didn’t come out of Number 4 Privet Drive and jump out a fuckin’ flying Ford Anglia to teach dark wizards lessons in charms. Dark wizard ain’t got no charms. They’re the foot-soldiers of a muggle-hatin’ mass-murderin’ maniac and they need to be destroyed.”



“That’s why every sonofabitch we find wearin’ a Death Eater mask, they’re gonna die. We will be cruel to the dark wizard and through our cruelty they will know who we are. They will find the evidence of our cruelty in the Imperiused, Crucioed and Avada Kedavraed bodies of their brothers we leave behind us. And the dark wizards will not be able to help themselves from imagining the cruelty their brothers endured at our hands, at our quidditch bats, and at the ends of our wands.”



“But I got a warnin’ to all would-be aurors. You join Gryffindor and you take on a debit, a debit that you owe me personally. Each and every student in my house owes me one hundred Death Eater scalps. And I want my scalps. And all y’all will get me one hundred Death Eater scalps, taken from the heads of one hundred dead Death Eaters.”



“Or you will die tryin’.”



Inspired by. And Kevin did it first.

71 thoughts on “I Need Eight Gryffindors

  1. “Now lemme ask you this… when all this is over, and you go home… what are you gonna do?”
    “I will throw away my mask.”
    “Uh huh. And yer robes…”
    “I shall burn them.”
    “Right… See, uh, me and mah friends here? We don’t like that…”

  2. This is fucking amazing. If it was just the images that would be one thing, but ol’ Chris went one better.

    Respect sir, respect.

  3. I am slow-clapping here, in my living room, above my laptop. These claps. These slow claps. These are for you, Mr. S.

  4. “Have you heard of Sirius Black?”

    “The whole Slytherin class has heard of Sirius Black.”

  5. OK uhm so , my names ilene , & I’m the most die – harded , obsessed fan of Harry Potter & Daniel Radcliffe . & this is wrong. absolutly wrong . your pathetic & your sick . you have no right. if you want to sit at your computer all day & do shit like this , go ahead . but don’t post it on your pathetic website. its a waste of a site. you have a great day now , & u keep being an asshole. bye(;

  6. Yes, Ilene, exactly. How goddamned dare that sonofabitch asshole Sims post whatever the fuck he wants on his own goddamned blog. That dirty underhanded bastard.

  7. Oh my… i dont think ive laughed so hard for a while… you good sir are amazing! I happen to be a HUGE harry potter fan and get an evil smile on my face when i imagine this actually happening. I loved Inglourious Basterds and I love Harry Potter so why not mix them. I wonder what would be carved into the Death Eaters foreheads… so dont listen to those innocent HP fans cause their not hard enought to understand what a wonderful idea this would have been. Kudos man.. Kudos!

  8. Trust me, that Ilene girl is just some weird obsessed loner like NuttyMadam. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were one and the same. I’m a big Potter fan from back in the day and I say to you that this was awesome! I barely remember what happened in the 7th book so this is as good a plot as any. Using the Deathly Hallows symbol was inspired!

  9. Looks like Ilene is a sixteen-year-old girl who still uses myspace, using a handle like “PolishChicxxx14” while taking pictures of herself not wearing pants in the mirror. Also she is dumb enough to link back to said myspace page when posting a comment like that.

    Today the ISB has lost a proud and loyal reader, may PolishChicxx14 rest in peace.

  10. But if Chris alienates the 16 year old Daniel Radcliffe-obsessed fans, where will the next generation of ISB fans come from?

  11. you have a great day now , & u keep being an asshole.

    There’s some real poetry in there: the two different ways “you” is spelled in the same sentence, the incongruous punctuation spacing, the perfect turn from wishing you well to snotty dismissal. This is like sub-literate Youtube commenting taken to a whole new level. Bravo Ilene. Y’all better recognize.

  12. If that don’t get Ilene into “Big Ups To All My Haters” there is something wrong with the world.

    …wait! Maybe that’s her clever plan?

  13. Oh SHIT! I honestly thought the Ilene thing was a joke until I followed the link to her MySpace page. Now it’s even funnier!

  14. Well i hope your all happy with urselfs, grown men making my little girly cry. She loves those books so much and reads them over and over mostly by herself. Why dont you pick on someone your own size, u r nothing but bullies but my dughter will have the last laugh because you will burn in HELL for what you are doing to my baby and the fine literture by Mrs M K Rowlinson.

  15. Now her mom’s here. Damn you, Chris, for making her only mother come on here and berate you for her daughter’s lack of a spine. Damn you.

    Also, we’ll burn in Hell. Bring marshmallows.

  16. Well, we can obviously see where your daughter gets her impeccable spelling from. And I, as an avid Harry Potter fan who has read the books at least 20 times (no exaggeration), find this hilarious. In fact, I think you are insulting Rowling more than we are by perpetuating the idea that HP fans are rabid, unintelligent idiots who cannot take a joke. And if your daughter cried because of a few comments on the internet, I think she really needs to work on her self esteem.

    P.S. Try actually spelling the author’s name right next time.

  17. Now I just have this dream of an Anita Blake/Inglourious Wizerds crossover.

    Well done, Mr. Sims. Well done.

  18. Actually, judging by her speeling, I think Ilene might actually be Tarantino.

    Now given that the Death Eaters were SS analogues anyway your post really isn’t that clever you know?

    Who am I kidding? You magnificant basterd!

    Anyone else suspect the mispelling is simply to stealth message board filters and he’s not admiting it just to seem more artistic?

  19. As a fan of Tarantino and Potter, I must say — kudos, sir. That was glourious (Tarantino spelling).

  20. Harry: I need to know about Death Eaters hiding in graveyards. And you need to tell me right now.
    Yaxley: I respectfully refuse, sir.
    Harry: Actually, Yaxley, we’re all tickled to hear you say that. Quite frankly, watching George beat Death Eaters to death is the closest we ever get to going to a Quidditch match. GEORGE!
    George: Yeah?
    Harry: We got us a Death Eater here who wants to die for his Dark Lord. Oblige him.

    *Quidditch Beater club bangs up against wall ominously*


  21. Wow — you’ve made J.K. Rowling and Jess Nevins cry.

    If you can get either Michael Chabon or E.L. Doctorow to tear up, I’m pretty damn sure you’ll win something, Chris.

  22. PS to Ilene:

    If you’re a Harry Potter fan, may I recommend another British series that I think you’ll enjoy?

    Big Dave, by Millar and Morrison. (Or is that Morrison and Millar?)

  23. Hang on, she was from Poland. Maybe she thinks the movie is pro rather than anti nazi somehow (I mean, she’s too young to go see it) in which case being upset about the mash-up would be understandable.

  24. OMG, this is positively absolutely hilariously brilliant! Four thumbs up (yes, four — I borrowed two from my friend).

    And someone please set up a fund to get Ilene some therapy?

  25. Wasn’t sold until the Deathly Hollows sign for the O in “Inglorious”. Now I will take three, please.

    Also kudos to ElGreco for adding more Quidditch to the proceedings. Everything’s better if you get to say “bludger” in it.

  26. I agree with Evan Waters, what true HP fan would object to this? Also, big ups to El Greco. That dialogue was perfection.

    As another fan of Tarantino and Potter, thank you, and kudos.

  27. Snape: “Mr. Lovegood, my job dictates that we Death Eaters must enter your home and conduct a thorough search before I can officially cross your family’s name off my list. And if there are any irregularities to be found, rest assured they will be. That is unless you have something to tell me that makes the conducting of a search unnecessary. I might add, also, that any information that makes the performance of my duty easier will not be met with punishment. Actually, quite the contrary, it will be met with reward. And that reward will be you and your daughter will be reunited and cease to be harassed in any way by the Death Eaters during the rest of our occupation of the Ministry.”

    Snape: “You are sheltering the undesirables, are you not?”
    Xenophilius Lovegood: “Yes.”
    Snape: “You’re sheltering them underneath your floorboards, are you?”
    Xenohilius Lovegood: “Yes.”