Spooktoberfest Special: A Lesser Known Power of the Vampire

Despite the fact that they’re one of the most common characters in horror literature, nobody can seem to agree on what a vampire can actually do.

Sure, Stoker’s Dracula lays out the standards that everyone else works from, and while the legend certainly allows for flexibility–Count Dracula himself is a far cry from the earlier conception of the vampire, after all–the vampire fiction that we’ve gotten since diverges to the point of outright contradiction.

The first casualty is often the weakness to running water, but there are stories like Bite Club where even daylight doesn’t present much of a problem with a strong enough sunblock, and as much as I’ve been enjoying the Dresden Files books, I’m not even sure if we’re talking about vampires anymore if you take away the whole part where they drink blood. The abilities, too, are a gray area. Most everyone agrees that they’re strong, but they tend to vacillate between painfully beautiful and hideously ugly, and while the shape-shifting and animal control abilities are right there in the Monster Manual, Buffy dismisses them as a bunch of “gypsy tricks.”

And even worse, there’s almost always a glaring omission from the Vampire skill set:

 

SUPER MIND-CONTROL LASER EYE-BEAMS.

 

And really, why do all these vampire stories insist on trotting out the old neck-biting cliché when it’s well within the power of the Nosferatu to create minions from halfway across the world?

 

 

PLEASE NOTE: The preceding information is only applicable to vampires from Transilvane, the miniature planet so evil that the planet itself has devil horns.

 

 

Seriously. You should hear their metal.

 

You can learn more about the vampires and other assorted monsters of the Planet Transilvane in the pages of Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #142, conveniently reprinted in the absolutely essential Jack Kirby’s Fourth World Omnibus, Vol. 2.

28 thoughts on “Spooktoberfest Special: A Lesser Known Power of the Vampire

  1. On the other hand, what if Kirby is the only one who got it right? Crosseyed space vampires look at you from another planet, marks appear on your neck and you become his mindless minion.
    To the medieval peons of eastern Europe, it must have seen like they were bitten and rose from their graves! It’s all starting to make sense now!

  2. Unless I’m reading it wrong, that’s not a small planet, it’s a large boulder.
    Surrounded by floating cameras?

  3. I’m actually more intrigued by the were-guinea pig in the background of that first panel.
    …The must be the only variation of were-animal that hasn’t appeared in the Anita Blake novels yet.

  4. I misread the Buffy line as ‘gypsy ticks’ – which actually isn’t a bad description of vampires.

  5. Given that this is part of the fourth world I think it’s safe to say that’s actually a vampiric Omega Effect which emerges going in different directions but twists and turns around people to strike bite marks. Kirby was just running out of room so he couldn’t put in the full page of the vampire eyebeams following a convoluted path around the room before hitting their victim.

  6. So, Superman’s known about Transilvane and their remote-control vapirism, and he hasn’t done anything about it?

    What a dick.

  7. Maybe another one their powers is making-superman-forget-all-about transilvane-power.

    Come to think of it I wonder if the quiz from the brotherhood of dada is some kind of vampire.

  8. Ah, yes. The best Jimmy Olsen stories EVER. Possibly the best Kirby stories ever, even…although Kamandi and Devil Dinosaur are strong contenders for that.

  9. Surrounded by floating cameras?

    They’re projectors. They project the old Universal monster movies into the atmosphere, which is why everyone on the planet is a Dracula or a Frankenstein or a Wolf-Man. Superman is able to rehabilitate them at the end by changing the film reel to a film version of Oklahoma!.

  10. Superman is able to rehabilitate them at the end by changing the film reel to a film version of Oklahoma!.

    What a dick.

  11. Speaking of seldom-used vampire powers, Marvel’s Dracula could (depending on the writer)) summon up and control storms. Which probably came in handy most of the time, but didn’t work out so well when he got into a weather control duel with Thor.

  12. “Mad as a brush and almost as bristly.
    4th World Omnibus is definitely on my Christmas list this year.”

    It IS my Christmas list. Well, that and Tecmo Bowl DS. More or less. And this was before I had any inkling of Transilvane’s existence.

  13. Speaking of seldom-used vampire powers, Marvel’s Dracula could (depending on the writer) summon up and control storms.

    If I remember Stoker’s novel right, I think Dracula has that power in it as well. But the chapter where Van Helsing discusses the count’s laser beam eyes with Mina as they board a rocket ship to Transilvane…I must have skipped that one. Just my goddamn luck too.

  14. By the time Dracula fought Thor(’83 or so), he had pretty much run his course. Whereas in the 70’s, it would have been this grandiose affair with Thor and Dracula pontificating and slapping the crap out of one another, with Thor probably under mind control, the Thor/Dracula fight was pretty much a one note affair, with the denouement reserved for Doctor Strange vs. Dracula.

    The only thing I remember about it is that Dracula mentions how much stronger Lady Sif’s blood was compared to Storm’s blood and Thor burning off Dracula’s trousers, and seeing Dracula’s socks.

  15. “Superman is able to rehabilitate them at the end by changing the film reel to a film version of Oklahoma!.

    What a dick.”

    Goes without saying, really. I mean, it is Superman.

    At least he doesn’t kill Lois again in that issue.

  16. Of course, if you read Dracula and other early vampire stories in literature carefully, they don’t actually burst into flames when hit by sunlight; at worst, they’re comatose, and the more powerful ones move around in the daytime quite freely, albeit without access to most of their powers. Neither is the weakness to sunlight present in most of the original folklore, except with chiang shih in China. The whole sundeath thing is actually an invention of the movies, first occurring in F.W. Murnau’s Nosferatu; probably a big vampire plot to throw everybody off the trail established by Stoker’s novel.

  17. I’m actually more intrigued by the were-guinea pig in the background of that first panel.
    …The must be the only variation of were-animal that hasn’t appeared in the Anita Blake novels yet.

    Don’t give her ideas.

    Seriously. Her PA reads this blog, don’tyaknow. ^_^

  18. The only thing I remember about it is […] Thor burning off Dracula’s trousers, and seeing Dracula’s socks.

    I thought in the Wolfman/Colan, Drac always wore spats.

    What? I’m allowed to know that.