Some of you may have noticed that while my previous focus during Spooktoberfest has been directed towards more witchity matters, this year’s had a pretty heavy emphasis on vampires. From Hellsing to Tomb of Dracula, from Becky Burdock to the Man From Transilvane, things have been downright Nosferatish around here all month, and believe it or not, there’s a reason for that.
Along with carving the Jack O’Lantern and plotting to get my Christmas tree up as early as is socially acceptable, one of my Halloween traditions is a marathon play-through of the greatest side-scrolling, platform-jumping, vampire-whipping video game saga of all time: Castlevania.
Of course, given that the original NES title spawned something like eight thousand sequels, I don’t play through all of them, but with the classic Symphony of the Night
But sadly, like so many things I love, their brief union with the world of comics was… well, not very good.
Released with a resounding thud in 2005, IDW’s Castlevania: The Belmont Legacy came courtesy of Marc Andreyko (of DC’s Manhunter) and E.J. Su (of TechJacket), and I think it’s safe to say that it’s not their best work. Which, when you think about it, is pretty odd.
Admittedly, licensed horror comics based around video games probably aren’t going to be anyone’s ticket to the Eisner Awards, but when you consider just how much there is to work with in Castlevania, owing to its firm roots in Nintendo Logic, it’s surprising that they didn’t just go all out with it. I mean, this is a series that had to have an entire game built around explaining why the main character fights Dracula with a whip (aside from the fact that it was easier to draw a straight line of pixels than anything else, and the kids love Indiana Jones anyway), so trust me, there’s plenty there to explore.
Me, I would’ve gone for Castlevania III in an attempt to explain how a vampire hunter, a pirate and a witch hooked up with Dracula’s kid in the first place, but instead, Andreyko tells the story of Christopher Belmont:
As the protagonist of the GameBoy titles, Christopher’s probably the least-known hero of the series, which makes him a pretty strange choice to build a series around, but that also means that he’s a essentially a blank slate. Plus, he’s got one of the best titles of the series, Belmont’s Revenge, from back when everything had to involve Symphonies and Arias and Harmonies and Rondos and the Cha-Cha of the Damned or whatever. And yes: You do see his sex face. So really, everything should be good to go, except for one glaring problem.
There is no Goddamn castle in this story.
Okay, well, that’s an exaggeration. There is a castle, but Christopher’s only in it for a grand total of three pages, and everything of any importance takes place either in a village or in a cave. Seriously, dude fights Dracula in a fucking cave. Which would be fine, if this were Caveavania, but it’s not.
Look, I might be a bit of a purist here, and I’ll admit that I’m probably a little more emotionally invested in the series than the average guy, but I imagine that the target audience for a tie-in comic is going to be the same way, and there are certain things I expect to see from a Castlevania book. The series is essentially a Haunted House story writ large, and it oughtta reflect that. I want an entrance hall with zombies in it. I want someone to fight their way from the ground up to confront Dracula. I want a damn Clock Tower where you fight Death itself.
In short, I want a Castle, and considering that this thing is called Castlevania, I don’t think that’s too much to ask, now is it?!
Whoa. Sorry about that, guys. I know I get a little carried away sometimes, but c’mon: We’ve all played Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest. We know how bad things can get when there’s no Castle involved.
So what do they do in lieu of looking for save points and grinding for swords in the Inverted Library? Well, considering that this thing is a five-issue mini-series, not a whole hell of a lot.
In fact, aside from a graveyard full of zombies that’s not nearly as exciting as it sounds, there’s not a lot of monster-fighting at all. Instead, the first issue is devoted mostly to Senor Belmont’s wedding to future kidnapping victim Illya, which is the source of some consternation to Lord Bartley and his daughter Sona, who will be playing the role of the Buxom Harlot this evening:
Coincidentally, that is exactly what Christopher wants, but that’s beside the point here.
With her affections are sternly rebuked and Illya going off to get hitched, Sona does what so many broken-hearted young girls have done in her situation: She goes to resurrect Dracula, the Ultimate Lord of Evil, who is once again given flesh and then steadfastly refuses to wear clothes at any point for the rest of the series:
Thus, Belmont goes off to kill Dracula, Mrs. Belmont sneaks off to help and is immediately taken hostage by the forces of evil, a couple of supporting characters whose names I didn’t catch get turned into vampires, everybody fights in a cave, and it all somehow works out okay.
Seriously, that’s it. There is even less plot here than in the original game, but it goes on for five issues without even a single Medusa Head.
And yet, it does have this.
The Dracula Fetus.
Why they put a question mark after “The End” there, the world may never know.
Didnt some of the games use the old “the end…?” bit in the post victory credit sequence? I know alot of NES and SNES games did (especially those where the creators new sequels were all but garaunteed) but cant remember for sure with the Castlevania series. So, maybe it was just supposed to be a nod to that.
It’s too bad that this comic was so bad, because “Vampire Hunters vs. Naked Dracula” sounds awesome in theory.
…
All right, maybe not, but it is amusing.
For the record, Order of Ecclasia has a direct reference to Simon’s Quest’s other night-day transition quote, and it’s awesome.
Castlevania II was my first exposure to the genre… and goddamn did i do my damnedest to beat it. but sadly, the game was too difficult for my five year old mind to triumph over, and ten long years passed before i came back to it and claimed victory.
Perhaps the question mark is there because the letterer wasn’t sure if his busywork assignment was over.
Castlevania, along with Mario or Mega Man, should be one of those lucky video game properties that is so basic yet so awesome it should be impossible not get at least a fun comic out of, and yet here we are. I blame the Sonic comics. The furry fandom buys that thing in droves, and so publishers mistake fetishists buying wank material for “they like it because its different from the game, we need to make our unique with new extreme characters and settings!” How we managed to be fortunate enough to get a good Street Fighter comic I’m not even sure.
You know, you can’t really tell who Dracula has tied up in that scan because the damsel and the hero both have long blonde hair. Is Castlevania Dracula a gay Dracula?
If you want to read a good vampire comic by Mark Andreyko, let me recommend “The Lost” (Caliber/Chaos! Comics).
Imagine Neil Gaiman writing Peter Pan as a vampire who just happens to be an asshole. Tinkerbell is a demon, and Hook is a vampire hunter.
Awesome.
joffe: you remember the Street Fighter comics that Malibu put out, don’t you? (if you don’t: I envy you so much)
You have to get Konami to make Caveavania. Take the Castlevania formula to a whole new place: Caves!
I’m still holding out for Castlevania: Funktastic Groove.
We desperately need the Japanese take on 70s blaxploitation films. Just to see what they come up with.
We desperately need the Japanese take on 70s blaxploitation films. Just to see what they come up with.
They came up with Birdie from Street Fighter. So no, we really don’t.
Is Castlevania Dracula a gay Dracula?
Ever since Anne Rice and Hamilton have gotten their hands on the genre, all Draculas are gay Draculas.
Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t want to play the hallway stage where you run down an endless row of skeletons in your Cadillac.
Well, I think we have found the source of Hamilton’s inspiration.
For the record, Order of Ecclasia has a direct reference to Simon’s Quest’s other night-day transition quote, and it’s awesome.
Oh wow, I totally didn’t realize that’s what it was until you pointed it out. That is awesome.
Me, I’m still waiting for Andrew to bust out “What is a man?! A miserable pile of secrets!”
Castlevania, along with Mario or Mega Man, should be one of those lucky video game properties that is so basic yet so awesome it should be impossible not get at least a fun comic out of, and yet here we are.
Udon or somebody did a MegaMan comic a couple of years ago that actually wasn’t bad, although it did involve MegaMan pretending to be a Real Live Boy so that he could go to high school. It was kinda like Impulse with Robot Masters.
Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t want to play the hallway stage where you run down an endless row of skeletons in your Cadillac.
Huh. Well when you put it that way…
Sona is highborn? She has the hips (and the stance) that just cry out, “Designed for repeated peasant child-bearing.”
PS
What is Dynamo’s belt buckle doing on the cover of this comic?
I don’t know what you’re talking about: Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest was, far and away, the best Castlevania ever.
I don’t know what you’re talking about: Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest was, far and away, the best Castlevania ever.
I can’t believe I’ve had to say this twice in one week, but: You’re wrong, and you might be stupid.
Demon fetus! C’mon, that’s SO played.
A few thoughts from a guy who never played Castlevania:
–Fighting vampires with a whip scores a 6.5 on the Radness Scale. Quite respectable. If the whip, or the whipper, were on fire, it would score an 8.
–Given the prevalence of whip-crackin’ action, how could the comic, or at least the review, not succumb to the awful temptation to use variants on the “OH SNAP!”? I don’t know whether to shake their hands or punch them in their respective mouths.
—Dracula: Blue, Naked, and Smarmy sounds like a spinoff with potential.
–Speed lines in the uterus? That raises a lot of questions. A lot of questions. (And some bad puns about “fast women.”)
–Fighting vampires with a whip scores a 6.5 on the Radness Scale. Quite respectable. If the whip, or the whipper, were on fire, it would score an 8.
Believe it or not, that happens.
Now if only the Castlevania games would incorporate the dirtbike, we’d be set for a 10.0.
To all those bandwagon-jumpers on Manhunter, calling it the most brilliant title (now-cancelled again) on the stands – I just need to point at this and say “I told you so.”
“The end . ..?”
More like “The HELL?”
“Now if only the Castlevania games would incorporate the dirtbike, we’d be set for a 10.0.”
Oh, Castlevania’s already had motorcycles. But it wasn’t at all good.
Speed lines in the uterus? That raises a lot of questions. A lot of questions. (And some bad puns about “fast women.â€)
Hey, you seriously stole my pun I was thinking of for the buxom wench and her unexplained speed lines.
And for those old old-school gamers like me, check out this Legend of Zelda bit of hilarity, Legend of Neil:
http://www.effinfunny.com/legend-of-neil
So there’s a naked Dracula, a buxom harlot, a sex face, whips, and at least one girl tied up… give one of them black hair and we have the next Anita Blake book.
I love Castlevania; I’ve been a fan since I played the first game in the arcade at a Pizza Hut as a kid. The series has some simply amazing entries that more than make up for the less-than-stellar ones (like the N64 titles).
When the comic book came out, I was extremely annoyed that IDW had allowed the book to be written by someone who’d clearly missed the point. Castlevania is NOT about vampire hunting. Dracula may be the destination, but the castle itself is the villain, constantly reshaping itself to ensnare the Belmonts, the Morrises, Alucard and associated adventurers. (That’s why the game is called “Demon Castle Dracula” in Japan) Anyone who doesn’t realize that should not be allowed to work on the comic book series.
But then, IDW also did a terrible job with the Silent Hill comic book series, which read like a mediocre horror book instead of a tightly plotted Lovecraft-esque psychological thriller. That leads me to believe IDW’s editors, more often than not, don’t have much concern for the licenses they pick up; it’s just a cash grab.
Anyhow, my copy of Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia just arrived from Amazon. So if you’ll excuse me…
In the spirit of the musical names for the games, a friend of mine really wanted to pitch “Castlevania: Funktastic Groove” to Konami. It would involve the blaxploitation descendent of Simon Belmont fighting Dracula in 1970s Harlem.
In the spirit of the musical names for the games, a friend of mine really wanted to pitch “Castlevania: Funktastic Groove†to Konami. It would involve the blaxploitation descendent of Simon Belmont fighting Dracula in 1970s Harlem.
Would this be the same friend from Comment #11?
To all those bandwagon-jumpers on Manhunter, calling it the most brilliant title (now-cancelled again) on the stands – I just need to point at this and say “I told you so.â€
But Manhunter is good, as are most things Andreyko works on, including Torso, which still stands as the best Brian Bendis comic. Another reason why this one is so surprising in its not-very-goodness.
Gotta agree with Rushputin.
And then comment that YOU might indeed be wrong and/or stupid.
One castle? Versus traveling between (and exploring) multiple castles? Along with funky Transylvanian towns?
What are you smoking?
In fact, the only thing I don’t like in my Castlevania games? Swords.
Whips* or nothin’, brother.
* Also includes chains, flails, and morning stars.
This post fails to mention the fact that Warren Ellis has written the screenplay for a Castlevania feature film that is currently in pre-production.
Or maybe it would just be best not to mention that…
Though, with the Manhunter comments… would Manhunter be getting canceled if she fought a naked smarmy Dracula?
“We’ve all played Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest. We know how bad things can get when there’s no Castle involved.”
once you play some more of Order of Eccelsia you’ll change your mind. i’m about 25% of the way through and there’s no real castle. or whip. there’s just old school difficulty, a hot chick with magic powers, and a Chupacabra. hell yes
best handheld Castlevania yet
“You have to get Konami to make Caveavania. Take the Castlevania formula to a whole new place: Caves!”
like the caves under the castle in Symphony of the Night? or the awesome caves in OoE?
man i hate it when i’m not playing Eccelsia
once you play some more of Order of Eccelsia you’ll change your mind. i’m about 25% of the way through and there’s no real castle.
It shows up eventually.
One castle? Versus traveling between (and exploring) multiple castles? Along with funky Transylvanian towns?
Those weren’t castles, they were manors; the towns were pointless and the gameplay was ridiculous, nonsensical and counterintuitive.
In other words, it is you who is the stupid one. Ha ha, ha ha.
So:
Castlevania II
Tribbles
Centaurs
Cousin-fucking
Scans_daily
All horrible things that will be defended in the ISB’s comments section.
I eagerly anticipate what indefensible thing Chris will find fans of next.
When did cousin fucking come up? And who defended it? George Michael Bluth?
This post fails to mention the fact that Warren Ellis has written the screenplay for a Castlevania feature film that is currently in pre-production.
And Grant Morrison has allegedly written an adaptation of Area 51. I doubt either will see the light of day, at least as penned.
And who defended it?
Shelbyville Manhattan, for one.
I never finished the mini-series, and I’m so glad that I didn’t, but I guess Death didn’t show up? You know a Castlevania is in trouble if Death doesn’t show up. It’s like Dracula was throwing a party and was going over the plans with his best buddy Death, but if Death decides to skip this one so he can stay home and watch Simpsons repeats, don’t expect a good party.
From the other side of things, if Death takes an active role in the resurrection of Dracula, then you know things just got awesome. I think the irony of Death bringing anything back to life could easily fill a mini-series.
When did cousin fucking come up? And who defended it? George Michael Bluth?
Right here. And I thought you were a fan, Brad.
There’s a Castlevania movie in post-production? And Warren Ellis is writing? Weird.
The Area 51 one is real and I believe is still underway. I’m more excited with Morrison writing the screenplay to the We3 movie. Since, you know, his own work and all.
Manhunter got canceled again??
Aw, crap.
I just always assume Manhunter is canceled.
Dorian Says:
So:
Castlevania II
Tribbles
Centaurs
Cousin-fucking
Scans_daily
All horrible things that will be defended in the ISB’s comments section.
I eagerly anticipate what indefensible thing Chris will find fans of next.
Hey now. I’m a big fan of seeing centaurs fuck their cousins with tribbles. I take pictures of the tribble-horseass-rogering, then photoshop the shots into a Castlevania comic and post it to scans_daily.
Then I kill kittens, throw their carcasses into a blender, whip the remains into a froth, and serve it to old people with advanced dementia, claiming the cups contain “protein shakes.”
Top that, bitches.
Castlevania II is okay, but only if you forget almost everything that came after. And the first one, which is a tightly-packed gauntlet of cruelty and awesome.
What killed the comic for me was the fact that in two issues, the Belmont didn’t kill anything. Most of the games would have gotten you started in the first thirty seconds or so.
Now, they could have adapted CV: Bloodlines, which has you traveling from Castlevania to Atlantis, the Leaning Tower, a German factory, Versailles, and friggin’ Carfax Abbey, at roughly the same time as WWI. That would have been cool.
“Would this be the same friend from Comment #11?”
It would actually. I have to admit that I wasn’t reading the comments too carefully, as I was not expecting the words “Funktastic Groove” to show up.
We need to remedy this situation by using it more.