Before we get started with tonight’s scholarly examination of the comic book works of Laurenn J. Framingham, the ISB Research Department would like to address a concern regarding our methodology.
Yes, it has been about three months since our last analysis of Marvel’s “popular” series about the adventures of the most ineffectual heroine since Jane Austen’s Emma and her running crew of vampire strippers, which puts us a solid three issues behind. But rest assured, there’s a reason for this.
Really, it all boils down to the fact that they’re fucking awful it takes a certain mindset to search these works for any deeper meaning. Specifically, it requires the Arashikage Mindset, as described by Storm Shadow in GI Joe #103, which–in addition to the assorted benefits of becoming a lethal killing machine–allows the user to “find untapped reserves of strength in the deepest throes of despair.”
As you might imagine, that comes in pretty handy when you’re reading Anita Blake.
Thus, the Research Department stands ready, and tonight, we’re catching up by giving you a double-shot of Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter: Guilty Pleasures for mockery and scorn thoughtful analysis in order to make up for lost time! Grab your own copy and follow along!
Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter: Guilty Pleasures #9
1.5: In this panel, Anita and her pal Ronnie [sigh] Sims–who has apparently taken my Top Gun comparison to heart and now sports a pair of mirrored Aviator shades–engage in a bit of what I think is supposed to be playful banter:
To the untrained writer reader, it might appear that these are jokes, but on closer examination, they’re not. This is actually a definition, and the fact that Anita offers it so readily when prompted may be a reference to her status as the oldest 3rd Grade Spelling Bee Champion in St. Louis history.
2.4: Unless I miss my guess, the young man filling in as a temp for the Church of Eternal Life is actually James Rolfe, the Internet’s Angry Video Game Nerd:
As bizarre as it seems to have him show up in the pages of Anita Blake his presence here serves to remind the reader that as bad as this thing gets, it’s probably still better than playing Night Trap on the Sega CD.
7.1: I hate to nitpick here (NOTE: This is a lie), but…
…I was unaware that “Teddy” was a shortened form of “Edward,” instead thinking that it was short for, you know, “Theodore.” As it turns out, though, Framingham is… not incorrect, in this specific instance.
I would like to point out, however, that the Billy Graham of vampirism is actually Billy Graham.
7.2: This page marks the first appearance of Malcolm, who–in a blatant ripoff of The Chronicles of Solomon Stone‘s Zombie Pope–is the vampire leader of the Church of Eternal Life.
Also, given that his description in the panel above pretty much says “in a thousand years, he’ll be as powerful as as a twelve year old girl,” he’s the least threatening character in the book, barely edging out Anita herself.
9.1:
You’re tellin’ me.
11.4: Judging by her right-angled eyebrows and trapezoidal mouth, I get the idea that Anita’s supposed to be saying something in this panel.
And yet, she’s not. This, however, is easily remedied through my continuing efforts to improve the series:
Stay fly, Anita. Stay fly.
12.3: Not that I’m complaining here, but really…
…what’s the point of rocking the one-shoulder tiger-print strong-man outfit if you’re just going to roll around with a pair of striped boxer shorts underneath? It’s not exactly in keeping with the Tarzan motif, now is it? I guess he’s just trying to maintain a little Muscle Mystery under there.
13.5: Hey everybody! It’s Phillip!
Phillip, as you may recall, is the stripper and mesh t-shirt enthusiast that Anita went to a party with like four issues ago. He’s being tortured, Anita feels bad about that, and while I can’t really think of a reason why, I think we’re supposed to as well.
Incidentally, he’s referred to as her “lover” several times over the next few pages, and that gets a lot better if you read that dialogue in the voice of Will Ferrell’s exhibitionist professor from Saturday Night Live. Come to think of it, that’s true for all the dialogue in this book.
21.4: So, to review. We have Burchard, who is a grown man clocking in at 603 years old, and Nikolaos, who is a thousand year-old vampire and also a twelve year old girl.
… Hold the fucking phone one second. I’ll be right back.
Okay, that’s better. One down, one to go.
Anita Bake: Vampire Hunter: Guilty Pleasures #10
1.3: BEHOLD! Another example of Nikolaos’s vast mental powers!
Putting aside the fact that I don’t recall anyone asking, I have a question here. Is this line actually in the novel, or was it just put in the comic to explain why A Vampire Named Slickback and The Guy Who Looks Just Like Jean-Claude But Is Apparently Not Jean-Claude appeared in the last panel of #9, but in none of the panels surrounding it? I’d read it myself to find out, but… Well, I’ve got enough problems.
2.1: Ever since that last issue, I’ve been looking for an appropriate visual metaphor for what it’s like to read this series. I haven’t found it, but this one comes pretty close:
I believe it was George Orwell who said “If you want a picture of the future of vampire erotica, imagine Anita Blake stabbing you in the testicles–forever.”
7.2: Hey everybody! Phillip’s dead!
Finally, there’s something in this story that elicits an emotional reaction, although I’m not sure “relief” is what Framingham was going for. In any case, given the fact that we’ve a) seen a body, and b) heard Anita say that he’s is dead four times in the span of two pages, I have nothing but confidence that Phillip has shuffled loose this mortal coil and certainly won’t be showing up again in the next issue.
I mean, that would just be sloppy.
8.5: In addition to being the first time in the comic that someone’s shoved a piece against Anita from behind…
…this panel marks the return of Edward (aka Teddy, aka Death, aka Scissorpants), the character who actually does things while Anita lays around taking naps and moping about the 40% drop in sales that the mesh t-shirt industry will have to suffer through now that Phillip’s dead.
10.1 – 11.4: In this sequence, Edward cleans Anita’s vampire bite by using Holy Water and a Cross. It’s not made clear in the script, but one can assume that he could have also used the Knife, the Axe or–if he had enough hearts–the Stopwatch.
16.1: Uhh…
16.2: Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me.
Hang on a second. Be right back.
Hokay. That’sh better.
19.1: So anyway, Anita an’ thish guy are goin’ to the cemetery or somethin’. I like that guy. Stupid book oughtta be about him… least he wearsh a Goddamn shirt…
21.1: Hey, did you guys know this thing was a murder mystery? Yeah, I’d forgotten too. Anyway, as it turns out, the vampire murderer is…
Zachary?!
Wait, hold the fuckin’ line here, the vampire murderer around which the entire plot is based is Zack Morris, who showed up for like five minutes in number seven?! That’s the killer?!
Son of a bitch. That’s it, I’m done here.
Is that character actually named Zack Morris?
Would I lie to you, Rags?
It would be the honky-tonk truth, Chris.
What really has me reaching for a drink along with you, Chris, is that this series is based on her BEST book, according to my friends who read her stuff. Her BEST.
What was in the white bottle? I’m not much of a drinker, so the closest thing it looks like to me is a bottle of shampoo.
And hey, as Joel says, we’ve got lots to look forward to. Like Anna getting DP’d by a vampire and a werewolf. Every page.
jesus I havent laughed like that in a while. Good show ol boy!
And yes Rags, he would.
Zack Morris is Sammy in Chief Zabu!
Chris you shouldn’t be so hard on the pedophile vampire. Twelve year old was the ideal age for a wife when they got bit…
No, it still doesn’t help to think of it like that. Okay, then it’s not pedophilia he just likes having sex with people who have the body of twelve year old girls…
Wait, that doesn’t make it any better. Well then, it’s not like pedophiles are a regular feature in… the…
GOD DAMN IT! Forget it. Save some of that alcohol for burning them. It’s the only way to be sure.
The ‘Phillip was dead…’ panel in the second book desperately needs another caption at the bottom reading:
“Huh. As it turns out, I could.”
Seeing Zack Morris and James Rolfe mentioned in the same post just makes me think of what Saved by the Bell would have been like had Screech been a foul-mouthed, anti-social gamer with a mild drinking problem…
…and I weep for the things that will never be.
Thank God for these. I can’t bring myself to read these in my shop. I still can’t believe we sell out every month.
This was a grey and dull day until I read this, thanks a lot sir.
Sims, was that a bottle of Malibu?? I don’t want to lose respect for you, but Malibu???
Geez, next thing you’ll be hitting the Boones Farm…
Will Anita Blake just turn into slime already?!?
Thanks for sacrificing your sanity for the sake of the blog, Mr. Sims. Now go read Storm Front for some good supernatural noir while your liver gently weeps.
In fairness, Dickens notes that Marley is dead about 27 times in the first paragraph of “A Christmas Carol.”
Of course, once he starts digressing into why doornails are particularly dead as opposed to some other type of nail, it’s pretty clear that he was being paid by the word (possibly the syllable), which might explain a lot about Anita Blake as well.
The datebook there in #9…I’m pretty sure 9:00 events are supposed to be scheduled BEFORE 10:00…
I was unaware that “Teddy” was a shortened form of “Edward.”
Ted Kennedy will eat your balls!
A Big Lebowski reference and the finest Irish whiskey ever distilled, all in one post!
Sweeeeeet!
Oh man, Chris, you may have to consider hanging this Anita Blake gig up. At this rate, your liver is going to revolt whenever you pick up one of the issues.
Chris, you should take all of these romps through this garbage heap when the series is done, bind it up, and send it off to Anita Blake as a thank you for the hours of entertainment this tripe has afforded us via your most entertaining wit.
Seriously, how well is this series doing that it hasn’t been canceled? White Tiger was drowning on issue two when Marvel’s fingers hovered over the Kill It Soon button, and yet this one has managed to fly for ten issues?
Hell, if this series can float, then Angarr the Screamer has a monthly series locked down EASY!
So, remind me again why this series hasn’t been canceled and buried in a shallow grave in the middle of the Nevada desert?
What? You thought the killer was going to be A.C. Slater? No way. Everybody knows Zack was the evil mastermind in that crew.
So, remind me again why this series hasn’t been canceled and buried in a shallow grave in the middle of the Nevada desert?
Because it apparently sells well?
*shrug*
Don’t look at me. I don’t even try to understand what will and won’t sell to comics and/or other fandoms any more…
Also, Lord Ffogg?
I have to agree with your friends who told you that the first book is the best. Actually, the books up until _Blue Moon_ are pretty decent. Then the author decided that she wanted to write porn instead. It’s not bad porn, mind you. It’s just a shame that such an interesting world got blown to hell for the sake of a Mary Sue with a size fetish.
Two files at the shop I work at get ten copies of Anita Blake. Each. A good 5 more get 2-3 copies.
A sad state of affairs.
All said and done, if and when the second mini comes out (and with the sales this book gets, it’ll be more like “when”), please. Do not continue this feature. If not for the lives of the local hobo community, then for the sake of your own life. As much as I enjoy reading, it would really suck if reading this book did you in.
Chris Sims, you are a wise man. When in doubt, consult Dr. Scotch.
Oh sweet lord..these things don’t get better do they? That looked horrible. Thanks for reading it for us.
Freaking Zachary! I should have known. It’s always the person you least suspect, therefore the person I’ve never even heard of was a dead certainty. How ironic.
Sims, was that a bottle of Malibu?
Yup. As a noted Girl Drink Drunk, I can confirm that Malibu Coconut Rum is delicious, especially when drunk from a Luke Cage: Power Man pint glass.
In other news, Happy 400th All-New ISB Post To Me.
Oh, pumpkin. I don’t know how I missed you were doing these (possibly self-inflicted amnesia), but let me just tell you as one of the suckers who paid good money for the novels these were based on…
…that dialog is right out of the books.
And the Zach thing doesn’t make any more sense in the books, either. Which is a hallmarks of LKH’s novels, I quit reading on like, the 13th one or so, whichever one it was that you got through the overblown sexin’ to the last 20 pages of the book and the bad guys LEFT A NOTE saying they had ended their killing spree and were leaving town, but they’d be back….
Wait wait wait.
Is the mindset named for Storm Shadow or is Storm Shadow named for the mindset?
Is there anything that does NOT taste delicious when drunk from a Luke Cage: Power Man pint glass?
My gris gris hungers!
Issue 10, Page 2, Panel 1 has given me a title for my new band:
Shanked in the Wang!
Let’s RAWK!
7.1: I hate to nitpick here (NOTE: This is a lie), but who writes an appointment in their diary for 10.00 BEFORE one for 9.00?
*looks at Burchard*
Hmmmm. That’s not what I thought Lex Luthor would do in between building giant power suits and finding new colors of kryptonite. But to each his own.
Don’t hate on the Malibu.
For Comment #11:
Weep no more! Watch “Celebrity Fit Club” and that is the EXACT plot, only it’s REAL.
P.S. Be warned that watching “Celebrity Fit Club” will be similar to reading an Anita Blake comic.
P.P.S. Yes, I am ashamed that my first comment on this blog I’ve read for like a year mentions “Celebrity Fit Club.” So, um, also … Chris you’re so funny!
Guilty Pleasures, the book, is much better than the comic.
this is not to say it is great literature. it is not.
but it’s pretty good beach fiction.
i’ve bought every issue of this mini, and laughed my butt off all the way through. unintentional humor is the best kind.
Harvey, that wouldn’t be a Bon Jovi cover band, would it?
Shanked through the wang,
And you’re to blame,
You give looove,
a bad name.
At least you can make it somewhat entertaining(drinking helps). But like the Belmont clan, I wish I could destroy this series with a whip.
It’s just a shame that such an interesting world got blown to hell for the sake of a Mary Sue with a size fetish.
Seriously? Do they actually provide measurements, and all of that?
Furu Says:
Wait wait wait.
Is the mindset named for Storm Shadow or is Storm Shadow named for the mindset?
Storm Shadow, and the mindset, are both named after Storm Shadow’s clan. I believe his real name was Tommy Arishikage, although his last name was usually referred to as “something unpronouncable”.
I’d much rather talk about GI Joe than Anita Blake, but bless you for taking it in the ‘nads (& the liver) for all of us, Sims.
Seriously? Do they actually provide measurements, and all of that?
Its been awhile since I gave up on the series, but damn near. I’m looking forward to the comics version of her OTHER series. Which is like this one except with Faeries who have constant sex. Often in large groups…
You see, it’s things like this that make me glad I gouged my own eyes out years ago and now have an elderly woman read me all my entertainment.
When all this is said and done, I want them to publish an edition with your annotations there on the page. I’ll buy two copies in hardcover, and another in paperback. Make it happen, Sims. Make. It. Happen.
Why is it that only just now, I noticed that Anita Blake’s hairdo has a kind of resemblance to what Sigourney Weaver had in the first Alien film?
Ha ha, a month or so back, one of my old girlfriends sent me an e-mail asking me about the Anita Blake comics. She said she really liked the books and wanted to know what the comics were like.
I sent her the link to Sim’s first “Annotation”.
Haven’t heard from her since.
Is it me, or does Anita Blake sort of look Asian in these last two issues?
She also seems to change heights as the story goes on…
That first panel: Oooooooh, what a KYOOT lil’ nose! aw lookit dat nose! Oo has a cute lil’ nose, the zombie animator does, she does!
Cover to #10: Boy, those are some parallel blood flows they got there. That’s torturin’ by the book.
And we are so unworthy of BOTH Flex Mentallo AND Castlevania references in one post!
SeanJJordan,
We miss you and your wife! (both replaced as editor and writer)… I think we’d all agree the book was at it’s funniest while you guys were on board!
It’s too bad that Ron’s artwork is improving the characters, the alien features that Brett Booth had going on made this book even more funny.
Hey… there’s three comics up there. And you only annotated two of them. You get back in there soldier! …well, once you can see straight again, I guess.
THANK YOU! I’ve been waiting forever.
“A Vampire Named Slickback”
I love you SO MUCH for that.
I have to agree with your friends who told you that the first book is the best. Actually, the books up until _Blue Moon_ are pretty decent. Then the author decided that she wanted to write porn instead. It’s not bad porn, mind you. It’s just a shame that such an interesting world got blown to hell for the sake of a Mary Sue with a size fetish.
Actually, it IS bad porn, which is what makes it so damn boring since she gave up having even the ghost of a plot/mystery in favor of it. In the newest book, she actually skipped a two-day, three-guy-one-girl fuckfest instead of giving a multi-chapter blow-by-blow (as it were) rundown like she usually does. I was shocked. Also, there was absolutely no mystery, no plot, and Anita just got a whole new group of supernatural men to almost literally worship her. This is why I refuse to actually buy the books anymore; instead I just leech off the generosity of Borders’ providing comfy couches and read it there.
Ever since my pal Mike decided he wasn’t a mixologist, and I helped him drink all the mixers in his cabinet, I too have been a Girly Drink enthusiast.
I recommend finding some Klass agua frescas mix (Mexican for Flavorade), Mango flavored, add Rum, and pass out.
I am torn between glee that a) I do not have to sully my comic shelf with this crapola, and can just read your snark and b) I will not turn into some sort of hideous, Smirnoff Ice swilling alcoholic-type woman through actually laying hands and eyes upon the actual comic; and sadness, because my liver- and sanity’s- gain is your entrance to the Betty Ford, soon enough.
You are indeed a brave little toaster, and I salute you, good sir. Have fun in the Betty, and don’t smoke anything Lohan offers you.
Honestly, I can’t keep all these characters straight, even with your help, Chris. What an absolute turd this series is.
And what the hell’s a gris-gris??
And what the hell’s a gris-gris??
A voodoo charm. And don’t feel bad about not keeping everyone straight; the big joke as the series progresses is that every male is interchangeable, since most of them have long hair of some impossible hue, and eyes of mystifying description. Hell, a fae male in her Merry series gains a tan and goes through a complete colour change between books because she obviously forgot what she had made him look like previously. No joke.
I was astonished that 60 comments went by without someone honouring your EXCELLENT quip, “How Cranstonesque”.
I can’t make up my mind about that. Was it just hidden amoungst too much greatness?. Or am I being gauche by pointing it out?.
Who knows?.
The Shadow knows ! . . . .
CASTLEVANIA REFERENCE FOR THE WIN
Someone pointed these Annotated posts out to me when I put up scans from the new series ‘Laughing Corpse’ and I’ve spent the majority enjoying these reviews. You’re going to do this with the news ones too, right?
And you in your epic coolness decide that the best way to make fun of a comic book (that you seem to hate) is by scanning every other image and deliriously trying to insult every little problem to the point that you’re just making shit up instead of actually griping? I’m not sure if that makes you a fanboy or a psychotic.
A famous wordsmith once said “The lady doth protest too much”.
*And that one line is funnier than your entire ranting review.
And you in your epic coolness decide that the best way to make fun of a comic book (that you seem to hate) is by scanning every other image and deliriously trying to insult every little problem to the point that you’re just making shit up instead of actually griping? I’m not sure if that makes you a fanboy or a psychotic.
A famous wordsmith once said “The lady doth protest too muchâ€.
*And that one line is funnier than your entire ranting review.
We’re onto you, Framingham.