Ah, 1975. When you could master the martial arts without ever leaving your home:
(Click for a larger, slightly legible image)
Yes, chopping your throat in the pages of Deadly Hands of Kung Fu #20–the same issue that brought you the historic first meeting of Jack Kirby and Chuck Norris–is the combat system that can change your life: Aicondo! And while it doesn’t quite capture the elegance of Count Dante and the Dance of Death, there’s a lot to like about it.
First, I like that Aicondo is a combat system that has been distilled from ancient fighting arts, because when you’re choosing the right way to take out a nondescript bald assailant and/or romance a lady with the power of your gi and feathered hair, you want something described in the same terms as a fine wine. If only they promised that the deadly secrets of Aicondo had been cask-aged for sixteen years in the highlands of Scotland, that $6.95 would’ve been on its way a lot sooner.
And then there’s the actual sales pitch, wherein it is made abundantly clear that Aicondo is not a sport and is, in fact, a razor-sharp system of action response, a term I intend to apply to virtually everything I do in my day-to-day life from now on. Also of note, the fact that Aicondo, unlike lesser self-defense systems, is not a martial “art.”
Why? Because art is for girls.
And seriously, why bother with girls when you can Select A Trusted Friend–a line that makes the crucial mistake of assuming that the readers of Deadly Hands of Kung Fu actually had trusted friends–with whom you could share your secrets, tone your body, and develop a bond built around mail-order certificates and a vaguely-defined “fraternity?”
I mean really, this thing practically sells itself.
Don’t forget that it’s also the answer to violence in the streets. Violence by the thief, the bully, and even the THRILL SEEKER. That’s the worst violence of all.
Also, art is sufficiently manly if your body is a MASTERPIECE MACHINE.
Violence by the thief, the bully, and even the THRILL SEEKER. That’s the worst violence of all.
Finally, the answer to unchecked happy-slapping has been found.
What!? “Render your attacker helpless with minimal physical force”!! That’s the weakest sales pitch ever. It should AT LEAST have the phrases “like unto a thing of IRON” and “earthshattering” in there somewhere.
There would be many more Aicondo men out there today if “with minimal physical force” was replaced by “by punching holes in him with the EARTHSHATTERING power of your fists like unto things of IRON!!” NOW we’re talking MASTERPIECE MACHINES!
I was looking at the picture at the upper left, and his arm must be about a foot long, given the terrible perspective.
(I also saw the face on the AICONDO MASTER, and for some other reason thought “Sal Buscema drew THAT?”)
(I also saw the face on the AICONDO MASTER, and for some other reason thought “Sal Buscema drew THAT?â€)
I thought maybe it was Ernie Colon.
Next time Batman throws a battery at someone, I hope the sound it makes as it crushes all bone and hope is ‘Aicondo.’
I’m sure Aicondo masters really do get lots of high-quality tail. But I’m skeptical that they’re still wearing the gi when they do it.
No, they’re wearing Chuck Norris’ elastic-gusset pants – and nothing else.
Did they ever have ads for those incredibly sleazy “secrets of the pick up masters” things in comic books? The way I remember it, it was always all Charles Atlas or Count Dante type stuff. Don’t get me wrong: they are two of the greatest statesmen of modern times. But it seems like the ass-kicking was none-too-subtlely meant to be the means to the end of being allowed to touch girls’ boobies. X-ray specs and hypno-coins aside, why not cut out the violent middleman and go straight to the point?
Nothing to do with Aicondo, but it is a cover featuring The Shadow stabbing an octopus in its face with a swordfish, and is therefore important:
http://www.comics.org/coverview.lasso?id=3138&zoom=4
Who knows what evil lurks in the face of an octopus? The Shadow knows. So he stabs it with a swordfish.
Aicondo ruined my life man. I sent away for it once and it never came in the mail. I spent many a teary eyed afternoon waiting by the mail box. (sigh) I never thought I would have my heart broken trying to become an Aicondo Man. That’s why I turned to a life of crime. Or at least watching other people’s lives of crime on tv.
I think the reason that it would appear to be fake would be that Batman is the only aicondo master in the world and bought all the kits in order to prevent someone less worthy getting their hands on it’s secrets.
Andy
Q. Where do martial arts masters go on holidays?
A. Time-share aicondos. Boom-boom-tish!
Thenkyew thenkyew – try the veal.