AFD 2009: Chris’s Witchity Tarot Blog!

For April Fool’s Day, the ISB became chris’s witchity tarot blog, a fan-site for everyone’s favorite Broadsword Sword Broad. For the full effect, including the sidebars, check out how the site looked on AFD here.



hi everybody and welcome back to chris’s witchity tarot blog, the internet’s #1 fansite for Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose!! but while our focus around here is normally on the most magickal superheroine in comics, tonight, we’re putting the focus on another character…and this one’s for the ladies! lol!

say hello to Thornwic!



Thornwic makes his first appearance in Tarot #50 for the 3-part story “So Mote It Be!” he hasn’t appeared since, but if you ask the WTB, he’s clearly positioned to be Tarot’s next great adversary!! why?

1. much like peter o’toole, he’s one of the few men who can pull off a double-phallic name.

2. he’s obviously modeled after the wwe’s hunter hearst helmsley:



3. he’s tarot’s opposite number from the fairy realm!!!!!

now some people–mainly those self-important internet blowhards who just don’t “get it”–have their problems with Thornwic, because a lot of them don’t understand why Tarot often goes around fighting evil skyclad, while Thorny (as we call him in my fanfic circles) wears more clothes than anyone else in the series when he’s her equivalent from another realm!! well duh, if you actually read the book, you’d know that in the fairy realm, everyone’s naked all the time, so wearing clothes there is actually just like being naked in the mortal realm!!! so it’s completely the same!!!

besides, naked dudes are gross.

n-e-way, Thorny shows up because there’s this kid who has been pinning fairies to display like a butterfly collector, and we all learn that on a fairy’s body, the breasts are the last thing to decompose (NSFW!!!!!!!!!!!)

this is of course a great crime against the fairy realm, and so Thorny decides he’s going to kill the boy and his family as punishment. that might seem a little harsh, but, well, just take a look at this guy’s moustache and tell me THAT’s not a crime against the fairy realm too:



Tarot of course sees it as her duty to protect mortals–even the ones who hate and fear her, which is probably the most totes original idea in comics evar!!–and so she decides to step in before Thornwic can deliver a devastating pedigree and/or sledgehammer shot to the family, and she has an awesome fight with him in the next issue that starts off with some serious magick!!



UNLIMITED POWER!!!!! lol i love that movie!!

anyway, after some spells get thrown around, the duel moves to swords, and Tarot discovers that not only does her male counterpart actually get to wear clothes, but he’s better at fighting too! so much better, in fact, that he’s able to strip Tarot completely naked while they’re fighting with swords, just to humiliate her before he moves in for the kill!



of course, Tarot’s still our heroine, and she’s not going to go down that easily! so before he can deliver the killing strike, he’s distracted by the fact that Tarot, at the edge of death, has become super aroused!!!



and then she’s rescued by her boyfriend.



and then they have sex in front of her sister. oh, and that family that she was fighting to save? Thornwic had them killed by being crucified before the fight even started. so i guess when you look at it, over the course of three issues, Tarot manages to accomplish…

…well, i’m not sure, but i bet it was empowering!!!!

52 thoughts on “AFD 2009: Chris’s Witchity Tarot Blog!

  1. I had to quit reading this for a little while, I had a haunted vagina to take care of. Luckily, I left the house and can safely surf at my local diner.

  2. 1) Even when writing the Witchity Tarot Blog, even when rocking the Balent look, nothing can seperate Chris Sims and professional wrestling! That is f*****g real!

    1a) The Balent is a new look between goth and comically ridiculous cosplay-level goth! It means “emotional!”

    2) The Eagles? Eww. If you want smooth, you want Steely Dan!

    2a) Steely Dan is named after a vibrator and thus doubly belongs on the WTB.

  3. I think I love you now, Mr. Sims. No man understands the empowering nature of Tarot like you do. Truly there is no heroine more powerful than one who is stripped naked by her ridiculously dressed opponent and rescued by her boyfriend.

  4. “He is spellbound”

    This is the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t it? No wonder it was named BEST COMIC OF ALL TIME.

  5. I realize it’s the season…

    But it’s still terribly disturbing.

    And very funny.

  6. To be fair, if I was a Connecticut blue-blood turned ren-faire psycho killer, and the naked and anatomically unfeasible woman I was about to kill suddenly got all hot and bothered over the thought of her impending death, I’d be forced to give pause too. You have to admit, that would be perplexing to say the least. Perturbing even.

  7. Dear Chris,

    You are a horrible person. Dungeons and Dragons 4e is bad and you should feel bad for supporting it.

  8. From what I’ve seen of the series Tarot DOES go down that easy (wink, wink.. nudge nudge)

  9. Hey Chris, glad to see you’re admitting your true feelings about Tarot today. Keeping things in like that just isn’t healthy.

    Give Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans some snuggles for me!

  10. ..

    Look Chris we all KNOW you’ve been saving your lunch money to have this comic published.


  11. Laughing at the cats’ names, then slightly disturbed that I got most of the references …

  12. oh my goddess u guys! i gotta shaare this

    My eng prof is such a meanie she refused to accept my paper on TAROT. she said it was “a mysoginistic peice of shit” and said i get a zero unless i read some moldy old book she picks. i bet she hasn’t even read it.

  13. Lurker, just like a Dwarf Planet like Pluto or Ceres is not a Planet, so a Swordmaiden like Tarot is not a Maiden.;-)

  14. The funniest part of this to me is that the alt text stopped playing along with the joke. DOT. DOT. DOT, indeed.

  15. When you say “they had sex in front of her sister” do you mean Tarot and her boyfriend or Tarot and Thornwic? Or Tarot and her boyfriend and Thornwic?

    Also, I’ve totally read that book you’re currently reading, and it is a classic pillar of the Western literary canon. Kudos to you, Mr. Sims.

  16. The post had me snerking inside but looking at the page, I totally lost it. Thanks a lot, Mr. Sims!

    Nice pic. :D

  17. Oh Lord, Thornwic’s crotch bulge.

    The crotch bulge.

    I have seen that which I cannot unsee.

  18. With all this empowering and grrrl-power blog material you’ve switched to recently, Chris, admit it: you’re really Valerie D’Orazio, aren’t you?

  19. @Chris Sims: You could seriously just devote an entire new blog for Tarot reviews from now on. Phantastic shit, my friend! So magickcal!!

  20. “My breasts, aroused by my thoughts of sex with my partners, attract his attention”

    So, she’s about to be killed by an overdressed guy with a sword who has stripped her naked…and her presumed last thoughts are about all the people she’ll never have sex with again? “And I’ll miss you most of all, Scarecrow?”

    I suppose that does fit with her personality thus far, I shouldn’t complain.

  21. If only Joss Whedon could be this empowering… well, he’s getting there. I just have one question: is Thornwic dead or did he just kind of hang out while Tarot and Balent were having sex?

  22. this is now the greatest web site in the world.

    i thought that Tarot was that strange book that i would never read, but now i realize my mistake, and have created a religion around this greatness. bow down before the witchity goodness!

  23. Celia: That part’s in character, sure, but I’m still staggered by how dumb Thornwic is. Why would you deliberately slice off her clothes in the middle of a life-or-death swordfight if your reaction to a naked woman is going to be “BOOBIES!”?

  24. After staring at that first picture for far too long, I still can’t decide if that long streak of white on Thornwic’s pants is a seam or stream.

  25. The cat names are my favorite part. Kudos to your April Fool’s gag. It’s right up there with Adult Swim airing The Room last night.

  26. My immediate reaction was that ragging on Tarot was too… obvious? easy? … but now I know my mon Chris don’t shiv. It got better & better the more I saw how committed you were. The header, the bio, the blurbs, the Boocat and Tarot faces in mock Sims style… BAM! Awesome.

  27. One of the things of living in a non-USA country is that I fall into April Fool’s day pranks every damn year. Well played, Mr. Sims.

  28. (I want to laugh, right, except that I own a black cat named after a character from Dracula. So, you know, ha ha, mothafucka, these are your fuckin’ clothes, in the immortal words of Samuel L. Jackson.)

  29. Oh, boy…I was so busy reading your latest post about Tarot, because those are quite fun to read, and managed to miss all the jokes in the sidebar and layout. Then I noticed them all at once and said “What the hell is wrong with Sims?”…and, so, you became the first and only person today to fool me on April Fool’s Day. Well done.

  30. man i wish Holly Golighty had more of a fanbase ’cause this would scandalize them
    did the comic have a thinly-veiled Jack White get killed after the release of ‘I Know That We Love One Another’?

    dammit i want a White Stripes comic book

  31. I only know this from reading the ISB, but I think they’re two different Hollys Golightly. There must be some protocol for remedying this confusing situation. If they were superheroes, they’d just fight for the name, goths must have something similar, you can’t show up at a LARP and have 20 people all named Dante Ravenwolf McShadowmoon…maybe a dance-off or something, whoever moves more loses.

  32. “Dante Ravenwolf McShadowmoon”

    Hey, I think he lived in my dorm back in my Penn State days! As I recall, his parents were really fond of family get-togethers where they’d all play wiffleball.

    Or maybe that was some other McShadowmoon.

  33. This was like one of those “peek into a dark alternate universe” specials.Gave me chills.
    Wait, that’s a real comic book?


  34. Tim C – you can sue over another band using your name
    unless your band name is just a letter, which is why there is an American X and an Australian X

  35. True, and Wiki says that the singer actually is (incredibly) named Holly Golightly Smith, which makes moot the question of whether you can sue if you both lifted the same name from Truman Capote. But unless they’re stealing each other’s market share, I doubt the courts would care, and since one is a rocker and the other is a comic book colorist (and, I must admit, a pretty good one), I think we’re back to the dance-off idea…

  36. I dunno what Tarot was so upset about, certainly the dude getting lassoed by Fay Dude there doesn’t look more than mildly offended there.