The image above appears, more or less, courtesy of The Batman Chronicles v.5, which still ranks behind Wonder Woman and most of Blackhawk for Golden Age bondage content.

From Marvel UK’s aptly-named Bizarre Collectors Special, discovered by my pal Trey.

Normally, I try to stay away from reviewing movies that don’t feature awesome subtitles or Rock ‘n’ Roll Blood Brothers, but I saw Speed Racer last night, and seriously, you guys? If you like the ISB, you need to see this movie.

I’ve been excited about it since the first trailer hit with its promise of what my pal Chad referred to as life-size Hot Wheels tracks and mid-air car battles, but when you get right down to it, there is absolutely no reason for it to be good. I mean, it’s Speed Racer: The Movie for cryin’ out loud, and despite the fact that we’ve all got a lot of fond childhood memories–and the occasional six-issue Tommy Yune mini-series–the source material works a lot better as a source for parody than as actual entertainment.

And yet, it’s great.

Apparently, it hasn’t been getting very good reviews, which I guess can only be chalked up to one of three possibilities: Either the reviewers were turned off by the visual style (which is as close as I’ve seen to being a live-action cartoon, and admittedly that’s not for everyone), they didn’t realize it was going to be so much of a kid’s movie, or they actively hate joy.

Trust me: It is awesome. And how awesome? Well, I don’t want to spoil anything, because I get the feeling that half of the fun is coming to everything fresh, but for those of you who need additional convincing, I’m going to steal a gimmick from Mike Sterling and create an area to do just that. Spoilers start beneath Speed at the starting line, and those of you who want to keep a clean slate can join us after Racer X hits the Roaring Elbow.

Okay, first things first: This is a movie where John Goodman wrestles a Ninja, thus bringing its JGAKQ to a respectable 7.5, right above O Brother, Where Art Thou?, but still well below The Big Lebowski.

The best thing, though, actually happens during one of the races, in which every single car can jump and in which everyone drifts all the time. So there’s this one part where these guys have hired a team of racecar vikings–yes, RACECAR VIKINGS–to kill Speed and Racer X, which one of them tries to do by spinning his car through the air while swinging a giant metal hammer from the bottom, to which Racer X responds by flipping his own car through the air while the Viking is upside down and punching him in the face.

Mid-air vigilante vs. viking car combat. And that’s not even taking the snakeapult into account.

Also, the Modded-up Christina Ricci of Speed Racer is totally hot and she should definitely have a marriage with me toute suite. But everybody already knew that.

So yeah, it’s a lot of fun, but to go ahead and make the inevitable summer movie comparison, I will say that I liked Iron Man a little more. To be fair, though, they’re completely different movies, and while I don’t think Speed Racer has the edge on anything but sheer visual moxie, it’s the one that I’d rather see again. Or to put it another way…

Movie: Speed Racer
Ranking: Four out of a possible Five Sonny Hoopers.

And now, an excerpt from The Dr. Bahlactus Guide to Parenting:

And that’s how we do it on the streets.

The second best fight of the series can be found in Kiyohiko Azuma’s Yotsuba&! v.4.

For those of you who were wondering, this…

…is just how Jack Staff rolls.

So by this point, you all know how it works, right? Someone gets kicked in the face, I give you a list of things I bought this week…

…and then I set out to deliver the Internet’s Most Preposterous Comics Reviews! It’s just that easy!

Comics

Conan #50: This week, the Dark Horse Conan relaunch reaches its milestone final issue–to be reborn next month as Conan the Cimmerian–and Tim Truman and Tomas Giorello go out fighting. Which, of course, is exactly what you should expect from a book about everyone’s favorite barbarian, especially since that’s what we’ve been getting at a very consistent level of quality for over four years now. And this one delivers, too, with a great story backed up by a beautiful page of sketches, a text piece, and of course, The Adventures of Two-Gun Bob.

The most interesting thing about this issue, however, is not Truman and Giorello’s story. Or at least, not the story as it stands on its own. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good, solid stuff that does a bang-up job adapting Robert E. Howard’s unfinished fragment, but this issue also reprints the Roy Thomas/John Buscema version from 1973 as a bonus feature, and while the story it’self is enjoyable, it’s far more fun to see how two different creators can tackle the same source material and come away with something completely different. Thomas’s version, of course, ran in one issue, and since I’d never refer to Truman’s Conan work as being overly decompressed, it makes a great little contrast in the storytelling style.

As to the meat of the stories, well, Conan has a far more active role in this year’s model, what with the fact that he fights monsters, an elder god, a wizard and a zombie, solving his problems with decapitation rather than wenching. And the fact that I can type that last sentence in relatively serious review? Yeah, that’s exactly why I love Conan.

Dynamo 5 Annual #1: And speaking of big expensive anniversary issues that get it right, we have this one, which fills in bits of backstory on Captain Dynamo and provides the second-best jumping on point you could ask for.

The choice of including a full-length reprint along with three new short stories was a pretty good move on Faerber’s part, too: I’ve read every issue of Noble Causes, and while I remembered the scene of Zephyr’s Big Reveal, I’d completely forgotten that he’d laid the seeds of the womanizing Captain Dynamo that far back, and not only did it serve as a good reminder of how creative he can be when he’s planning this stuff out, but it also serves as a nice sampler of what you can get from Noble Causes, too. It’s a win-win!

Franklin Richards: Not So Secret Invasion:

SKRULL HERBIE.

That is all.

Gemini #1: So, back to Jay Faerber: As mentioned above, I’m a pretty big fan of his work, and when you get right down to it, I think it all comes down to volume. It’s not that the characters and the stories themselves aren’t good–and far from it; despite the occasional stutter, his books are generally some of the more enjoyable comics around–but when you’re generating this many new super-heroes, something’s gotta stick, and Faerber’s Image work hits it more often than not.

It’s the same principle that I find so engaging about Todd Nauck’s Wildguard and Robert Kirkman’s Capes, but instead of confining it to a single book, Faerber’s building a whole little universe of titles, and his latest has a concept that’s as strong as any of the others. In case you missed the solicitation, it’s a simple premise: Cubicle worker Dan Johnson is a super-hero by night, a fact of which Johnson himself is blissfully unaware. Instead, he’s closely monitored by a team of operators that control his changes in identity.

It’s a fun concept with a surprising twist at the end, and while Jon Sommariva’s art can get a little too stylized at times, it suits the story well, and its highly reminiscent of Humberto Ramos at its best. It’s good stuff.

The Invincible Iron Man #1: So at this point, everyone’s seen the Iron Man movie, right? I mean, it made like four hojillion dollars last weekend, so statistically speaking, we’re all on the same page here. And if that’s the case, well, I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is that the affable, slightly-soused technologist that shows up in the movie hasn’t had a lot in common with his comic book counterpart, since that guy’s spent the past few years in his own title trying to send Captain America to a concentration camp and hiring the Titanium Man to attack Congress.

The good news? Matt Fraction kicked off an Iron Man book this week that is exactly the comic people who liked the movie should be picking up.

I mean, this is a book where Tony Stark goes from outer space to bed with a supermodel to the bridge of the Helicarrier in the span of three pages, then blows right out into a battle against the finest exclamation-point SCIENCE! I’ve seen since Warren Ellis’s Extremis. I’ve mentioned before that there are really only six Iron Man stories you need to read to get everything there is to know about the character, and while this one is certainly a variation on one of those themes–or a couple of them–it all comes off as a slick, fun, entry-level book that’s just full of appeal for the mass audience. If you’ve seen the movie, then you’ve already got the basics of Ezekiel Stane, even without reading his earlier appearances in The Order, and the snappy back-and forth between Tony Stark and The Widow Potts fits right in, too.

Plus, it features an AIM splinter group called Advanced Genocide Mechanics. Those guys just get crazier every day.

Iron Man: Viva Las Vegas #1: And while we’re on the subject of comics for people who liked the Iron Man movie, we have this one, which, as it’s written by director John Favreau and drawn by “Armor Consultant” Adi Granov, might as well have just been called Iron Man: He’s In A Movie, Bitches. Anyway, it’s fun and zips right along–by which I mean that you can read it cover to cover in a leisurely two and a half minutes–but it is quite possibly the most important comic book you will buy this week.

Why?

Because, and I cannot stress this enough, Elsa Bloodstone appears on page one.

Jack Staff #16: Earlier tonight, I was talking to Kevin about our mutual love of Brtain’s Greatest Hero–which in his case amounts to a wholehearted endorsement of any alleged unsavory practices in which Paul Grist may or may not engage–and it occurred to me that there’s really only one way to describe why I love this book so much.

Imagine being able to read eight comic books at the same time, and they’re all absolutely fantastic. That’s what reading Jack Staff is like. Reading Paul Grist comics is like having super-powers.

Wasteland #17: Hey, check it out! I’m blurbed again!

Not a bad quote, if I do say so myself, and pretty accurate when it comes to describing Johnston and Mitten’s work with this issue. However, it’s not the quote I wish I’d come up with, which also made the back cover this month:

Well-spoken, Going Train! Clearly, this is something you should all be reading.

Trades

JLA Presents Aztek: The Ultimate Man: Gather round, children, and I’ll tell you a story of a long-forgotten time, when a book written by Grant Morrison and Mark Millar was so commercially unsuccessful that it was canceled in less than a year. Hard to imagine, I know, but it happened, and this is the proof.

It’s not for lack of awesome, though. In the pantheon of DC’s great late-90s super-hero titles–Ennis and McRea’s Hitman, Morrison and Porter’s JLA, Waid’s Flash and Robinson’s Starman–Aztek always sticks out as the one that never really seemed to get its chance, and as far as I’m concerned, that amounts to one of the biggest missed opportunities in comics. Like all of those books, it’s just loaded with personality, and given enough time, there’s no doubt in my mind that at the very least, Vanity could’ve risen to become the same kind of rich, deeply crafted setting that’s personified by Starman’s Opal City. And yet, it got the axe after #11.

But rest assured: What there is of the series is a heck of a lot of fun, from Aztek’s fight with a guy named “Bloodtype” to the first use of “super-sane” version of the Joker that would crop up later in Morrison’s run on Batman. And it’s because it’s so fun that it’s so tragic that it got canceled.

Well, maybe not tragic. I mean, he did make a pretty lateral movement over to the pages of JLA, where he had one of the series’ best moments fighting Mageddon the Anti-Sun. But still, read that last issue, where Morrison and Millar go through a brief list of the plots they never got a chance to use, and tell me we didn’t miss out big time. Either way, it’s a great little series, and it’s well worth reading.

And that’s the week. As always, any correspondence regarding something I read this week–like the great new issue of Rob Osborne’s Nearly Infamous Zango or the most fun issue yet of Rex Libris, the world’s wordiest comic–can be left below.

As for me, I’m gonna check out this sleep thing everyone’s always talking about. I hope it’s as good as GTA.

Tonight, the ISB takes on the back half of Previews for the small press and the merch, but believe it or not, there’s actually not much that caught my eye, a fact that I assure you has nothing to do with my desire to finish up the blog and go play more Grand Theft Auto.

Even the normally bizarre apparel section is relatively tame, although Marvel’s new shirt names continue to amaze and perplex. I mean, really: Am I crazy…

…or is this a Venom t-shirt that’s named after a brand of pantyhose? And come on, what does “Hulken Spotten-M” even mean?

Maybe it’s a little of both, but intense therapy’s going to have to wait until after I slug it out with the next round! Let’s see what we’ve got here…

Comics

P.216 - Archie #587: Okay, folks, I fully realize that unless they’re belting out Britpop, I’m the only one around here who actually cares about Archie comics, but to be honest, this is the one comic in the entire catalog that I’m most excited about.

Why? Because with this issue, Archie kicks off a four-part series called “Freshman Year” that shows what Archie and the gang were like in their first year of high school. Yes, you read that right: It’s the secret origin of Archie. It is Archie: Year One, and that means that there’s the small yet distinct possibility that Archie’s going to be using lines like “I come in close on Reggie–throw him a growl I’ve brought all the way from Africa–and suddenly everything falls to pieces” or “Stupid Freshman. Stupid, lucky Freshman.”

But why should you be excited about it? Because “Freshman Year” is being written by Batton Lash, who you might remember as the creator of Supernatural Law or the writer of a little thing called…

 

The Punisher Meets Archie!

And really, if you’ve read that book, then you’ll know that it’s not only one of the best Punisher stories of all time–seriously–but it’s also one of the best Archie stories of all time, with an attention to detail and a love of the characters that comes through on every page. Plus, The Man From R.I.V.E.R.D.A.L.E. Seriously.

P.300 - Tales Designed To Thrizzle #4: Normally, I try to stay away from just writing up the stuff I’m going to order unless it’s a special event–considering that I make a list of everything I buy every week anyway–but when Michael Kupperman drops a new issue of Thrizzle, it’s always a special event. And the other issues are offered again too–which is nice, because I never got the copy of #1 I ordered the last time they offered them–so if you’ve never experienced the work of one of the funniest guys in comics, do yourself a favor and jump on.

Otherwise, you’re going to be missing jokes like this, from a list of Dick Tracy’s most forgotten foes:

P.330 - Apocalipstix: And speaking of books that were supposed to have come out already, we have this one, which was originally solicited a full year ago. Apparently, July’s the month for housecleaning around the diamond offices. Actually, come to think of it, Sharknife v.2 was solicited in that same issue. How odd.

Anyway, here’s what I said about it last year: “What really caught my eye here, though, was Apocalipstix, by Ray Fawkes and the totally awesome Cameron Stewart, which looks to be something along the lines of Josie and the Pussycats meets The Road Warrior. And really, there’s nothing about that sentence that I don’t think is awesome.” I agree, Chris ‘07! You’re so smart!

Merchandise

P.486 - Balrog Wall Mount: Rather than throw my own hat in the ring with this one, I’ll just direct you to Dave Lartigue, and the best possible joke that could’ve been made about this monstrosity.

P.528 - Dark Knight Logo Metal Keychains: And now, Chris’s Invincible Craft Corner! Gather up the kids for a simple, awesome activity that you can do at home, and prepare to have your minds blown:

Step One: Get two of these Batman keychains:

Step Two: Link the rings together.

Step Three: YOU NOW HAVE BATARANGCHUKS.

P.568 - Machine Girl DVD: I can’t imagine that there’s anyone reading this who hasn’t already seen the trailer for Machine Girl, which was online for about thirty seconds before I started getting emails from people telling me that the story of a Japanese Schoolgirl with a gatling gun for an arm out for revenge on the Yakuza Ninjas who killed her family was probably the Chris Simsiest Thing That Ever Was.

Where you guys got that impression, I have no idea, but rest assured that I’ll be grabbing this thing the moment it comes out. Drill Bra, people. Drill Bra.

And on that note, we’re pretty much done here! As always, if you have any comments, or you just feel like telling me I’m wrong about something–which, you know, I’m not–feel free to drop a line in the comments section below. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go take out a very healthy accidental eye-gouging insurance policy before my Batarangchuks get here.

After that, though… Look out, Crime!