Christmas Spectacular: A Very Kirby Christmas!

Posted on by

It probably goes without saying, but given that I try to update the ISB every day, I rarely have any idea what I’m going to be writing about until I actually sit down to do it. Tonight, though, things are a little different.

Yes, with Christmas Eve finally upon us and the magic of the season in full swing, it’s time for something that I’ve been planning on covering since December 26th of last year. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for all-out awesome, because tonight belongs to…

 

 

THE SEAL MEN’S WAR ON SANTA CLAUS!

 

…by Michael Fleisher and–wait for it–Jack Kirby.

Originally created to be the story in 1976’s Sandman #7, this one was shelved when the series was canceled and eventually saw print six years later as part of the all-Christmas Best of DC Digest #22, and while that issue predates my own birth by about eight months, I think it’s safe to say that this comic was made for the ISB.

I mean, just look at that opening panel: It’s a Christmas comics starring Santa Claus where someone’s punching out an animal while being menaced by bears, and it’s drawn by Jack Kirby. With the exception of a car battery, that’s everything I like about comics all thrown into one!

So here’s how it all happens: It all starts on Christmas Eve morning, when young Jed’s sent out into a blizzard by his reasonably horrible guardians so that he can try to get a contribution to the Christmas fund from alleged miser Titus Gottrox. As it turns out, though, Gottrox–who at first appears to be a villain in the classic tradition of Mr. Potter from It’s a Wonderful Life–isn’t all that bad of a guy, and once Jed explains his position…

 

 

…Gottrox offers to donate a cool million bucks to the charity on the condition that Jed proves the existence of Santa Claus before midnight.

Despite the fact that Gottrox is pretty confident that Jed won’t be able to deliver–although he mentions as an aside that he’ll make some sort of contribution anyway–the fact that Jed’s so eager to run off and return with the proof spooks his nephew Rodney, who resolves to follow Jed and keep him from endangering his future inheritance.

Jed, however, has a bit of an ice up his sleeve to ward off any of Rodney’s shenanigans, and with one toot of his magic whistle, the Sandman appears to help out!

 

 

And this, for the record, is where it starts to get crazy.

So, fortunately for Jed, the Sandman and Santa are pals “from way back,” and one quick trip through the ejector tube sends them straight for the North Polar region of the Dream Stream, where the Nightmare Wizard loans them a flying sled, and seriously, you guys? That’s the craziest sentence I’ve ever typed.

 

 

Meanwhile, Rodney stumbles across Jed’s whistle and uses it to trick the Sandman’s dimwitted sidekicks, the aptly named Brute and Glob, into helping him follow. Owing to the fact that he’s almost devoured by the Nightmare Wizard’s man-eating tree Samantha, however, he’s unable to catch up with them before they finally reach Santa’s workshop.

And that’s probably for the best, considering that Jed and the Sandman are immediately set upon by highly aggressive, hammer-toting elves, who are a bit on edge because–get ready for it–Santa has been kidnapped by the Seal Men.

Clearly, this aggression cannot stand, and after deciding that they are in fact bad enough dudes to save Santa Claus, Jed and the Sandman set off to the land of the Seal Men, where they’re promptly bonked on the head and thrown into a dungeon. It’s pretty much exactly what they expected to happen, so once they find Santa, the Sandman quickly melts the wall with his magic whistle.

Just how the Sandman’s magic whistle melts the wall is never satisfactorily explained, but honestly, if we’re going to start nitpicking here, we’ll never get anywhere with this one.

Oh, and as it turns out, Santa’s kind of a jerk:

 

 

…but I think we can chalk that up to his extended imprisonment. Regardless, he quickly gets back to his jolly old self once he gets the opportunity to out his aggression on his captors:

 

 

 

Of course, seeing as it’s Santa we’re talking about, he’s happier talking his problems out than fighting over them, and the reason for their aggression is finally revealed after the Sandman just comes right out and asks the Seal Men “What’s wrong with you people, anyway?! Why are you so determined to sabotage Christmas?”

They’re mad, of course, because they’ve been denied a Merry Christmas, thanks to a series of truly horrible gifts:

 

 

I think we can all sympathize.

Of course, as Jed points out, it’s all just a misunderstanding, and when you’re dealing with an operation designed to deliver toys to every child in the world in one night, these little mix-ups are bound to happen. Santa promises to correct the problem and exchange the gifts, the Seal Men promise not to be so mean anymore, and everyone resolves to have the Merriest Christmas their little hearts will allow.

Well, everyone except Rodney that is, who’s holding Mrs. Claus at gunpoint back at the workshop, but since it takes the Sandman and Santa all of three panels to deal with that little threat, I think we’re safe skipping right over it. Besides, we’ve got to get back to the original point which, if you’ll remember, was proving Santa’s existence to Old Mr. Gottrox! And what better way to do that than with a visit from the Big Guy himself?

 

 

And remember he does! Thus, Jed gets the million for charity, the Seal Men get their presents sorted out, Gottrox gets to fly Santa’s sleigh…

 

 

…the Sandman gets one last issue before he’s kicked back to cancellation, and, perhaps most importantly, we all get exactly the kind of Christmas special you’d expect from the man who brought us all those wonderful stories and horrible dreams.

And really, aren’t those what Christmas is all about?

 

 

33 thoughts on “Christmas Spectacular: A Very Kirby Christmas!”

  1. Man, turns out santa is a sarcastic ass.

    I can’t help but notice, despite all the awesome, this issue has a sever lack of foot to face action.

  4. “The Sandman quickly melts the wall with his magic whistle.”

    That’s easily the dirtiest Christmas entendre I’ve read all season.

    This is not a complaint.

  6. My Gods, that is sheer freaking joy. There is a tear in my eye, no word of a lie.

    Thanks, Chris.

    Merry Christmas.

  9. The enormous pot belly…the skill at fisticuffs…the smack-talking…

    Holy crap, Santa Claus is really Volstagg!

    Awesome selection for Christmas Eve, and a Merry Christmas to Chris and all the other ISB readers!

  12. I don’t know if you ever see Forbes Fictional Fifteen, their annual roundup of the richest fictional characters (Bruce Wayne is a perennial fixture and Tony Stark has appeared as well). They listed Santa Claus as the richest fictional character for many years running but had to pull him from this year’s list. Why? Santa isn’t fictional. Merry Christmas, everybody!

  14. Mr. Sims, you have contributed a great amount of sheer awesome to the world with your blog. You introduced me to the sheer joy of OMAC hitting crowds in the face all at once, and yet…and yet…you have NEVER posted anything better, more awesome than this. A Jack Kirby drawn Santa Claus wrecking the faces of seal men and talking smack to millionaires…this is, and shall always be, the Best Thing Ever. I salute you!

  15. Dear Jack Kirby: Thank you for going all out and actually naming the miser villian Got-Rocks. You are my hero, sir. You are the tiny wings on my ankles.

    I demand that Gottrox be reintroduced in canon. He can have corporate wars with Vandal Savage.

  17. Where is Optimus’ left leg in that bottom panel?

    Anyways, this officially rules. Merry Christmas!

  18. Frank Springer paid no heed to crazy ideas like perspective and such. It was just some daft toy tie-in anyway- everyone would’ve forgotten about it by that time next year ;)

    Holy crap, it’s after midnight GMT! A happy Christmas to all y’all at the ISB! Woo!

  19. Did anyone mention the creepy fact, that the Seal-men are wielding FLENSING KNIVES !

    Whaling factories used this broad knife on a stout pole design to “Flense” or slice the meat of the whale, away from the blubber, before boiling it to gain the oil.

    Of course, it was also used when people killed seals like the elephant seal and the sea lion, for their oil.

    Be like cow-men attacking with slaughter house skinning knives.

    Groovy!.

  20. The issue hit stores eight months before… so maybe, just maybe, the moment they began to _print_ this comic was the MOMENT OF YOUR VERY CONCEPTION.

  21. Good stuff! I’ve never seen this story reprinted in 25 years — it is time! Let us consider Santa Claus to be one of the New Gods so this story can be included in a future Omnibus edition!

    As it is written, so it shall be…on Christmas!

    Thanks for the great site and Merry Christmas!

  22. Santa Claus surely is a New God in Morrison’s Fifth World! Awesome, Chris. I always loved Kirby’s Sandman book and never knew this lost story existed. Thanks for a great gift. Merry Christmas and enjoy that new Waring Blender. Crushes ice like a mother, I said.

  23. If you want a vision of the future, imagine Santa’s buckled boot stamping on a Seal Man’s face, forever.

  24. So….beautiful.

    I don’t know where to begin.

    This just beat out that episode of the Ghostbusters cartoon where they caught the three ghosts that visited Scrooge for my favorite Christmas special.

  25. Just how funky is Santa, anyway? “You’d better pour on some HUSTLE!” That’s an amazing post, Chris.

    Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

    Cheers,
    Mal

  27. “this aggression cannot stand”? Did you misquote The Dude? Regardless, Happy Xmas and thanks for the awesomeness.

  30. I guess it’s common knowledge that after Michael Fleisher wrote this story, Harlan Ellison called him “bugfuck” and Fleisher sued both Ellison and Gary Groth for two million dollars?

    (Fleisher lost, and basically stopped writing comics…)

  33. Umm. . . So nobody made a crack about “Christmas Seals” in this story? I’m kind of disappointed.